DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[ilikemysleep]

Joinyour playfellows I am imagining what her DH's thought processes might be. I imagine that he is envious, because he sees his wife with choices and doesn't perceive he has the same range of choices. He possibly perceives that she gets to do something she loves while he has to do something he hates. He possibly perceives 'oh great, that's 3 or 4 more years of her not earning so I have to stay in this fecking job I hate while she gets to do something she loves and I keep the roof over all our heads'. I did not have any proof that this is his thought pattern. It is a hypothesis. It is a pretty petty and mean way to think but I can see how it might be a way a depressed and unhappy person might think. I did not realise that speculation was forbidden when trying to consider points of view on a realtionships thread.

[MadameLeBean]

Whoa whoa whoa RED FLAG

"He said this is because I'll be around men"

He is controlling definitely
Leave!

[tiredandsadmum]

Ex used to be very competitive with me on eg tiredness, stress etc. His resentment about me and others poured off him and was very unpleasant to see. The competitiveness has continued even now we are divorced and it is just as unpleasant to be around. I don't think your OH attitude will change :(

[lunar1]

I think it's lazy and selfish to be staying in bed till ten every day. I can't imagine doing that, i don't blame him for being resentful. Do you really never get up with him?

[Lottiedoubtie]

Perhaps he is. He has openly said that he's dreading it. He said this was because I'll be around men.

Ergo he is a twat.

[HandMini]

He smokes weed every hour? That is an EXTREME habit. His sex drive is, of course, fucked. Unless this changes nothing else will. I suspect his jealousy and paranoia are also weed driven.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think you should get up when you like and nobody has the right to tell you what you are doing wrong (in their eyes)
He sounds quite abusive actually.
I agree with others, it doesn't sound like he will change.
If you think its better to stay together for the dc well that's up to you, but then you'll have to cope with possible resentment from your dc.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

He smokes pot every hour - there is your problem right there.

What you will achieve by staying with this man, is that your kids will grow up to think its normal for daddy to belittle mummy and be very disappointed in her. It's also ok to be addicted to pot. It's also ok to be jealous of your partner when they are around the opposite sex or in fact if they seem happy at all .

Your kids will also eventually lose respect for you because they will think its normal. It's not. Look at the bigger picture here.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I think it's lazy and selfish to be staying in bed till ten every day. I can't imagine doing that, i don't blame him for being resentful. Do you really never get up with him?

Really lunar?

I think it's pretty selfish to be openly resentful to your DW and cause an atmosphere in your house with DC around. I also think smoking pot hourly is selfish. And I think it's selfish to object to your wife's fully funded PHD on the grounds that it will bring her into contact with men!

Do you seriously think the OP's morning concern is the real issue here? 'Woman, know your place'.

[NaturalBaby]

I'd keep things pretty simple and try to get him to take a long, hard look at himself - what is really going on that he has to criticise things you do?

Things like being messy and not cooking are just a part of who you are and how you work best. Is he 'perfect'?

Life with kids is tough and it gets tougher when you have to start doing the school run as you're very aware of.

What does he do when you challenge him? What would he do/say if you stood up for yourself and told him you felt upset and bullied by the way he speaks to you?

[MrsMaryCooper]

Smoking every hour out in the car - that is his primary relationship not you or the kids. Everything else stems from this.

[womblesofwestminster]

Who is forcing him to continue in a career he loathes?

The pressure of supporting a family.

In his eyes you have it easy. I agree with him.

Will I in September?

without him bending the session to fit his own agenda i.e blaming you for all the problems.

Would surely Relate would see through that?

Of course he's stressed he's sole earner in job he hates.why don't you get job help out

I'm a WAHM (albeit on low money. The PhD is so I can make more money and have job security rather than the freelance I'm doing). Is full-time childcare not 'helping out'? :(

I am envious of my husband's ability to leave the house to go to work without managing several children and of his ability to talk to grown ups and have a lunch break and the way he gets to sleep all night without waking to breastfeed a baby.

This! I'm envious of his career and adult contact, but I encourage him.

His main concern seems to be that he feels he is suffering, and if he is suffering he'd like you to be suffering too, or at least not to be enjoying your life too much. What a git. He feels the need to criticise the way you live, because he hasn't actually sorted himself out yet. He is working in a job he doesnt enjoy, self-medicating with pot to dull his misery, but it is dulling his sex life and yours, and he is doing nothing to address any of these issues, his issues. Instead he is focussing on what you do and don't do and finding fault.

In a nutshell, you've summed up exactly how I see it from my perspective.

I also note that you say you were "broken" when you met and I wonder how much he really enjoyed your dependence (despite complaining about it to make you feel shit about yourself)?

If he enjoyed it, why would he nag me to change it?

I'm wondering if a massive part of our issues is the age gap (13 years, sorry I should have said, it seldom enters my mind but it might be relevant here).

He doesn't sound like he even likes you.

It feels like that a lot :(

[LoonvanBoon]

Really surprised that so many earlier posts have glossed over the DH's pot smoking habit while criticizing the OP (looking after young children, working from home AND securing excellent PhD funding) as lazy.

Don't know why you didn't give this info. about how often your DH is smoking pot at the beginning, though, OP. It must be affecting him massively - general behaviour & sex drive - as well as having a significant financial impact on you both. Was this discussed when you had the sex counselling?

To me this wouldn't be tolerable, even without the other issues. Add in the constant criticism / controlling behaviour, & I would certainly be rethinking the relationship in your position.

[scottishmummy]

What do you want to happen?how would you like this to resolve

[AnandaTimeIn]

You're right to stay in bed till 10 now that you still can. You've got 15-odd years of the school run ahead of you.

Your husband sounds like an ass and a bully.

I don't know how you've put up with it for 10 years and it makes me sad that you think you are not good enough as you are.

His constant criticism of you - while he himself is not perfect - is a constant drip drip chipping away at your confidence.
Please don't bring your children up in this kind of environment believing relationships are like this.

[AnandaTimeIn]

Oh, and by the way I smoke too and am a LP, everthing here runs smoothly in the household. DS is in his final year of uni.

Not all "pot" smokers are losers. In fact, better a joint to relax in the evening than be drugged up to the eyeballs on sleeping pills or anti-depressants!

[Viviennemary]

Sounds as if he is resentful of having to support you financially. And if you are not pulling your weight at home I can see why he is annoyed. All these arrangements do have to be mutually agreed. You do sound a bit entitled to me I'm afraid.

[womblesofwestminster]

have to cope with possible resentment from your dc


Wouldn't they resent me for splitting? My parents divorced when I was 12. It was utterly horrible.

[womblesofwestminster]

What does he do when you challenge him? What would he do/say if you stood up for yourself and told him you felt upset and bullied by the way he speaks to you?

He just ends up shouting or saying "fuck off" or leaving and going to the car for his pot.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

From someone who has been in this position, I can't see it getting any better unless he changes his attitude.

I was never 'good enough' for my ex, and he is still criticising me to this day. It does make you very anxious and question your self worth.

Funnily enough I am also an academic, and i think this plus how well I did in my degree boiled his piss as he never finished uni although I encouraged him to go back.

[LoonvanBoon]

He sounds abusive. Has he always shouted & sworn at you, & has his cannabis use always been so extreme?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Crickey.

I couldn't deal with this attitude all the time. He is changing you as much as he can and when you address those things, he changes you some more. And then knobs off for a toke as and when he wants.

[RandomMess]

Okay caught up with the more recent posts. He's being an arse, he is miserable with his life and seems intent on making you miserable in yours!!!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

If he enjoyed it, why would he nag me to change it?

Because he enjoys nagging you.

He likes criticising you, he likes making you feel bad about yourself and then getting to watch you fix the things he has complained about.

It must be a massive power trip.

But it probably didn't occur to him that eventually you would become so independent that you would be able to achieve really impressive things.

He didn't rate you enough to see how clever and capable you were and that eventually you wouldn't need him.

He needs you to need him. He needs you to be dependent on him. He is afraid of an independent you that has choices that you might exercise.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

At least you will get 20% of the £62k when you leave him.