DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[georgesdino]

I doubt I would be impressed if dh was at home all day and did what you wrote as I would wonder what he had been doing. It must have been frustrating for him for you to do nothing at home and not have a job for all those years.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

No, it's a PhD, two small children AND work she does at home!

The lazy wagon.

I find the idea that the OP has to be as miserable as he is quite worrying really.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

I really don't get the its a luxury regarding the PhD.

They both agreed she would be a SAHM.
Both kids are pre school age.
Op has got off her arse and secured funding so she can be proactive and do so e thing that would financially benefit the whole family.

What's to be jealous about? He should be damn well fucking proud of her!

I

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Who is forcing him to continue in a career he loathes?

Is anyone?

[babyheaves]

I have some sympathy for your DH. Not for him being a perpetual whinger, but as the breadwinner I don't have the choices that my OH has and I'd be lying if I didn't say I resent it at times.

He can't stay in bed till 10, or go and study something he is interested in. He has to get up every morning and go and do a job that he hates so his wife and children have a roof over their heads and the rest. In his eyes you have it easy. I agree with him.

Whether you can put up with him resenting you is your choice, but I expect that as a single parent you would find your choices curtailed as well. Be grateful that you have them.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

george op said he complained about the list of issues and has done her best to rectify them.

Not everyone is a natural stepford house wife.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would think twice about actually doing couples counselling with this person at all. I would have counselling solely so you can talk freely and without him bending the session to fit his own agenda i.e blaming you for all the problems.

[ilikemysleep]

finiky - I don't think it's an easier option at all. I think the OP has easier choices. She is able to choose to do a PhD because her partner supports the family on his salary. This will then mean that for several more years he will have to carry on in a job he hates because she won't be earning. I'm not surprised he's envious, he doesn't have the choice to do that.

I have no doubt at all that the OP will be working her butt off doing a PhD and looking after 2 under 5s. I am surprised it's even a possibility to manage, actually. :)

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

at some of the responses on here? What fucking century are we living in?

Be grateful op that your dh is eternally disappointed with you! because at least you have a fuckng roof over your head!!!

[bubblesmonkey]

I'd tell him all the issues you've 'corrected' in your marriage, give him a list of things to correct, and tell him once he's caught up with you you'll consider changing other things.
My partner sleeps more than I do and although I am envious, and it can seem unfair, it's not up to me to dictate! I wouldn't dream of it. It would be different if you were sleeping in once the kids were awake.

[babyheaves]

join I'm not her DH, but in my situation I'm certainly stuck in a job i don't like. It's not so easy as going and getting something else, is it. The fixed outgoings need to be met and other bills paid. If you're the main earner you have the responsibilities for all of that on your shoulders.

Responsibility to your family can force you into staying in a job you hate. Such is life.

[scottishmummy]

Of course he's stressed he's sole earner in job he hates.why don't you get job help out
He gets up early to work,and you'll not do so til September?no wonder he annoyed
He's knocking himself out and you're up at 10am doing own sweet thing

[ilikemysleep]

Yep, I think getting DH into a job he actually enjoys might be the crux of the matter. Maybe if he was happier everything would be better. I don't agree with the OP's DH, I can just imagine my way into how he might be feeling, in the circumstances.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I am envious of my husband's ability to leave the house to go to work without managing several children and of his ability to talk to grown ups and have a lunch break and the way he gets to sleep all night without waking to breastfeed a baby. I don't carp on and on about it, souring our relationship in order to get my own back. I accept that in life there are differences and I love him. At some point in the future I may be the one leaving the house.

I think you sound very reasonable OP.

[georgesdino]

Cigarettes - It said it took her years. I am definitely not a stepford wife. Dh is soon to be sahd of 3 and I would be annoyed if he didnt pull his weight.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

baby there are more issues here than him just being in a job he hates.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

What a shame he can't be pleased for you about all the stuff you are doing, looking after 2 dcs, working and studying too! Impressive. Shame he can't be proud of you for all this.

His main concern seems to be that he feels he is suffering, and if he is suffering he'd like you to be suffering too, or at least not to be enjoying your life too much. What a git. He feels the need to criticise the way you live, because he hasn't actually sorted himself out yet. He is working in a job he doesnt enjoy, self-medicating with pot to dull his misery, but it is dulling his sex life and yours, and he is doing nothing to address any of these issues, his issues. Instead he is focussing on what you do and don't do and finding fault.

I think he needs to find himself another job and start doing some stuff to improve his lot.

[womblesofwestminster]

Who was most keen for you to become financially dependent on him?

It was a 100% joint decision. And both DC were planned.

Logg1e I would never do to my kids what your mum did to you. Leave them to get ready on their own. How sad :(

You are still getting to make choices he doesn't have, and whilst some partners are able to be very supportive in that situation, some others get envious. Especially when they are doing a job they hate.

If we split, I will still be doing the PhD, but I won't be living under the weight of his constant resentment.

We agreed I'd be a SAHM. It just so happens I'm doing that and training too as well as the money I'm making freelance from home.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

his will then mean that for several more years he will have to carry on in a job he hates because she won't be earning.

You made that up.

That's not in any of her posts.

Her PhD will not cost them a penny and she is currently looking after their children as well as working from home.

They agreed between then that she should risk her ability to support herself in the future to look after their kids.

SHE made herself vulnerable to do a job that suited him.

The fact that she used her time so well and has managed to secure funding for a PhD is totally fucking wonderful and only a miserable bastard wouldn't be delighted for her.

If he wants to leave his job, then that is a separate conversation.

Why did he want his wife to give up work if he hated his job so much?

It was obviously going to limit his options in terms of work and earnings.

It seems to me that he loves being miserable and feels some kind of need to bring his wife down.

I also note that you say you were "broken" when you met and I wonder how much he really enjoyed your dependence (despite complaining about it to make you feel shit about yourself)?

I doubt it's only jealousy and resentment that is eating at him, I suspect it's also his feeling that you are slipping out of his control.

[Cabrinha]

The morning thing...
If your kids don't settle and you're up 4x a night, then you take sleep where you can get it.
But...
I just wouldn't feel in a partnership with someone who stayed in bed every morning. Is that what you do?

I got up early to leave my boyfriend's this morning. He rarely gets a chance for a lie in, but he chose to get up and potter about around, even though it was only for 10 minutes. It's because he wants to be around me. No resentment from me if he'd stayed in bed, I chose to play squash at 08:30! But I enjoyed that last door step kiss...

Now a boyfriend of 6 months when the kids are away is honeymoon period. Married with 2 kids is different. But... It shouldn't be totally different. Sometimes, you shouldn't be letting yourself out like you live alone. Sometimes your wife should take advantage of the kids sleeping until 10:00 and send you off to work with a smile on your face from some unexpected morning kitchen action ;) Works both ways of course.

I'm not saying you're wrong for not doing that. I'm saying something is wrong in your relationship if you don't want to.

The constant picking at you sounds very suspect.

I'm not saying you not getting up in itself is something YOU do wrong, it could be symptomatic that the relationship is wrong.

The PhD is an amazing achievement, but if 50K is over 4 years and fees and travel to be deducted from that, it's potentially not a large wage. And it's not a short commitment - 3 or 4 years?

He SHOULD be pleased for you. But if he were a good man / husband otherwise, you know what? I'd allow him a bit if resentment to work through. Well - jealousy more than resentment. You will be choosing to do something you presumably have a passion for?

There's obviously too much backstory to really say though, if you're in counselling and have sex issues too.

If he's not an arse and you do love him, I'd suggest a compromise: 2 days a week you get up with him (you can go back to bed after, afterall!) but he agrees you both get up 30 minutes earlier and have a cup of tea and a chat together.

[TheCrackFox]

He doesn't sound like he even likes you.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

The fact that she used her time so well and has managed to secure funding for a PhD is totally fucking wonderful and only a miserable bastard wouldn't be delighted for her.

That with fecking bells on!!

[Logg1e]

OP I didn't mean to suggest for a second you would, I was just answering join's question and trying to explain why it's so important to me now (getting up before 10am).

You know, I can't decide whether your husband has a point or a problem. But, it doesn't matter, does it? Either way, the relationship's not working for you and making you unhappy.

[MadameLeBean]

He sounds jealous. Because he is not happy with his life so taking it out on you. But his behaviour is bullying IMO. Relentless criticism no matter how many things you change to keep him happy? That's abusive.

[womblesofwestminster]

The PhD sounds great! Is your DH a teeny bit jealous? I wonder how he will cope when you start on it.

Perhaps he is. He has openly said that he's dreading it. He said this was because I'll be around men.

But he's never tried to persuade me not to do it.

I am slightly grin at the idea that a PhD plus caring for two toddlers is an easy option...

It makes me very, very :( that he thinks that.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He's a good dad. I enjoy that. And sometimes we have a laugh together. Thinking of DH shacking up with a new woman upsets me.

And what do you think of his cannabis usage?. That probably also accounts for the lack of sex drive as well. How often does he smoke this and where?.

He smokes it every hour. He goes to the car to do it. I can't say how often he does it (if at all) when at work.

you cannot burden a child with a choice that you have made.

No. I'd never tell them. I'd certainly never blame them. It's my choice not to LTB.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing them and copy from?

Not at all. But neither is splitting.