DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[LauraBridges]

It sounds like you aren't happy together but having children under 5 is always hard. May be best to stick it out until the youngest is 5 at least.

As ilike says would you like it with rolls reversed - you up early he sleeping in to 10 (I have never once heard of a mother of young children whose children sleep until 10am - that is amazing. Mine woke from about 5am every day always !!! so not surprising he is jealous). Perhaps offer him that once you have passed the PhD you will get a job which will enable you to do all the earning and he can stay home for a few years.

[RandomMess]

I have to say overall it doesn't sound like a good dynamic...

[pointythings]

It sounds to me as if you have done your best to change and he has done fuck-all about changing the things you don't like about him.

So you and your DCs need/like more sleep than he does - why should you be a martyr to his routines? What benefits would it bring him if you dragged yourselves out of bed early every day? It sounds controlling to me.

He does sound as if he will never be satisfied unless you are the perfect wifey of his dreams. I really wouldn't put up with it.

[womblesofwestminster]

PhD in Sept which again, is a bit of a luxury choice assuming that you are not going to be bringing in much of an income during that time

It's a scholarship and everything is paid for - fees, living expenses, travel expenses. It's worth 50k. I worked hard to compete for it.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I'm interested in your decision to give up work.

Who was most keen for you to become financially dependent on him?

[Logg1e]

Join I was asking myself the same question. When I was at primary school I remember getting up, dressed, breakfasted and off to school with everyone else still in bed. I remember saying to my mum it was a bit lonely on my own (actually, I found it scary downstairs, especially the bathroom) and would she get up with me. She laughed and shook her head.

So, now, it's really important to me that we all get up and do things as a family. Not every morning, the kids sometimes get up before us and sometimes me or partner have an early start and tell the other to stay in bed. But I love that most of the time we all get up and make a productive start to the day together.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

I could never be with some one who resents me.

op it sounds as though you have tried hard over the years to rectify his problems with you, but I'm sure he will just find fault in other outlets.

Can I just point out that op said it was a joint agreement that she would be a SAHM and she is training for her career. WHY is it seen lazy ?

op please dont be with anyone who sees you as disappointing.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Is he proud of you for that very impressive achievement?

(Bloody well done, by the way. That is fantastic. You should be very proud :) )

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

logg that is not the case here though is it?

[ilikemysleep]

Yes, but it's jammy, isn't it? Its a fun or luxury item for you. It's not contributing to the family pot of money, albeit it isn't taking out of it. Could your DH do a PhD if he was fully funded? I guess not because he has the responsibility of supporting you and the kids. Is the 50k over the full 3/4 years? You are still getting to make choices he doesn't have, and whilst some partners are able to be very supportive in that situation, some others get envious. Especially when they are doing a job they hate.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Can I just point out that op said it was a joint agreement that she would be a SAHM and she is training for her career. WHY is it seen lazy ?

I don't know if I provoked that question with my last one, but just in case I did - I was not at all insinuating that OP was lazy, I was wondering whether he encouraged her to be dependent on him because it would make it easier for him to bully her.

[Logg1e]

No Cigar it isn't, I wasn't suggesting it was, I was answering JoinYourPlayfellow's question.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

op good for you!!!

I'm having to hold my career for a while, slightly jealous

[womblesofwestminster]

it's just that resentment that is continuing.

I wonder why it continues despite me addressing the issues that triggered it.

is it only his opinion that your cooking and cleaning isn't up to scratch

They are now.

May be best to stick it out until the youngest is 5 at least.

I like this idea. Having young kids is hard for most parents.

Perhaps offer him that once you have passed the PhD you will get a job which will enable you to do all the earning and he can stay home for a few years.

I don't think I'll ever earn what he earns (62k). Also, are you suggesting I produce more children so he can become a SAHD? I'll be pushing 40 but it's certainly an option.

What benefits would it bring him if you dragged yourselves out of bed early every day?

In his words, 'it would be fair'.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

join it wasn't directed at you!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

A person who really loves you is not jealous of you when good things happen for you.

They are pleased.

[Finickynotfussy]

The PhD sounds great! Is your DH a teeny bit jealous? I wonder how he will cope when you start on it.

[Logg1e]

I don't see how any of us can be certain what the situation is here. I keep thinking what ilikemysleep is posting, but I agree with OP that you don't marry someone and then change them.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

With a 2 and a 3 year old, the right time to get up is with them. If you want to get up earlier, fine, of not, so what? As long as you arent lolling around in bed at 11 when they have been awake in their cots for an hour.

If your dh got up and five and the dcs didnt wake til seven would he also insist on you waking at five?

It is a luxury to be doing the Phd because as much as you have put the effort in to secure the funding, it is something you desire. To your DH, you are getting to do what you want and he isnt/cant. However, I would ask is he making any steps tp change his work situation? If not, that really isnt your fault and he shouldnt be punishing you for it.

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

It sounds to me as if you have done your best to change and he has done fuck-all about changing the things you don't like about him.

This.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Thanks Logg1e :)

I agree with you that parents should get out of bed to breakfast with their children and not leave them to their own devices in the morning.

I don't think children need to be dragged out of bed in the morning when they would rather be asleep because their father is jealous of their mother.

[Finickynotfussy]

I am slightly at the idea that a PhD plus caring for two toddlers is an easy option...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"To make it clear, I don't want to LTB - mostly for the kids, but also I do still love him"

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is there to love about such a person or are you simply afraid of becoming a single mother to two children?. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. Personally the emotional cost of staying I feel within this is now too high. I think even if you were to do everything "right" he would still find fault and nickpick because he is never happy but blames you for his misery. They say that misery loves company and you provide that for him.

If your children are still in bed there's nothing wrong to my mind with getting up later. You will have to get up earlier soon enough when they start school so enjoy the extra sleep whilst you can.

And what do you think of his cannabis usage?. That probably also accounts for the lack of sex drive as well. How often does he smoke this and where?.

As for your comment, "I don't want to LTB- mostly for the kids", you cannot burden a child with a choice that you have made. Also if your marriage is loveless they may well grow up to regard that as the norm.
Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing them and copy from?.

[ilikemysleep]

Joinyour playfellows I disagree a bit. A person who is in a career they enjoy or who is basically happy would be pleased if something good happened to their partner. A person who is forced to continue in an unhappy career because of he money it brings in whilst watching their partner able to pursue their dreams in part because of this job they loathe, therefore trapping them in that job for several more years, and knowing that the PhD will still not enable a career that earns similar so can't see any chance to stop doing the loathsome job, would probably be envious. Even if they were otherwise a really nice person. Being in a job you hate and seeing no way out can be totally soul destroying, esp if your partner is able to follow their dreams in a way you cannot.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I really don't think it sounds 'jammy' tbh. It sounds hard won and worthwhile.

Yes, perhaps her lifestyle has been enabled by her DH to an extent. That doesn't give him the right to be unpleasant about it.

He has plenty of choices- respectfully discuss options for him changing his job, respectfully discuss options for OP changing her lifestyle, put up with what he agreed to and originally wanted or file for a divorce.

Hanging around being resentful and critical isn't on.