DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[womblesofwestminster]

You need to do your own research on that but make sure you do so that you know what your options are.

Yes I will do. Do you not know the answer then?

[bigkidsdidit]

Why is everyone focussing on the time you wake up when your DC are at school you'll be getting up at 8 to drop them off. There's no issue with sleeping in if they do!

I'm an academic and I am very impressed indeed with your phd funding. That is seriously Impressive :)

He sounds like he wants to drag you down. I'd leave him but I grew up very happily with a very happy single mother and I understand that might skew my view.

[Lottiedoubtie]

Does he think you should get a job. Is that the problem?

RTFT

The problem he has with her PhD is that it might bring her into contact with men. I'd imagine a FT job would we worse?

Oh and she does have a job.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Do you not know the answer then?

I didn't mention spousal maintenance, you did. I mentioned the CSA figures. So you need to do your own research on the issue.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

OP - I think people are being very harsh.

All choices were made together.
You are:

• working from home freelance,
  
• providing free childcare (should you be working outside your home, both your salaries would contribute to nursery bills),
  
• cleaning,
  
• cooking,
  

And from September:

• doing a PHD, again after agreeing as a family about doing it.
  

I think the pot smoking is the issue and the children's sleep and your waking up are a massive distraction from the main issues.

I do much less than you (not working freelance) and my husband is massively more supportive than yours.

[wyrdyBird]

I loathe undermining in all its forms; and you've certainly had plenty of that, from the sound of it.

It's hard to call, simply because no-one is perfect. If you have any self awareness you tend to see truth in it, perhaps try to correct it......until eventually,you see the goal is not constructive criticism at all, but to make you unhappy, and the criticiser feel superior.

If the goal posts keep moving, and he doesn't praise or admire you for anything, you can be sure this is about bullying you - and nothing else.

By the way - no, Relate cannot necessarily be relied on to see through manipulation or bullying, if that is taking place in your relationship. If you see a counsellor, it's better to see one on your own to begin with.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

He is a bully. I don't blame you for wanting out.

Being jealous of your wife because she gets sleep is pathetic.

[womblesofwestminster]

bigkidsdidit Thank you (for saying it's impressive).

I'm hoping Relate can help us. I really don't want to split up. The thought deeply upsets me. Despite all this crap, I feel bonded to DH. We've been through a lot and I've grown as a person (in more good ways than bad) over these 10 years. When we have family time together, it's great (aside from occasional toddler tantrums). I don't want to rip that apart. I just don't want to be resented either.

[womblesofwestminster]

If you have any self awareness you tend to see truth in it, perhaps try to correct it......until eventually,you see the goal is not constructive criticism at all, but to make you unhappy, and the criticiser feel superior.

I think you're right. From what I hear, DH feels very bullied at work, and so perhaps needs to feel superior at home?

[wyrdyBird]

This is the problem for you, though, wombles
This made me finally realise that he will always resent me. This is the way it's always going to be, no matter what I do

It's as if you've been trying to be the person he wants, to deserve his praise and love over the years, and it's dawned on you you will never get it no matter how many hoops you jump through. This is a hard realisation to make.

I do hope you can find help, and can understand that you want things to work. But this isn't a small problem you're having to deal with.

[User3433399]

OP, I was going to come on and say I've been where you are: a nagging DH wanting everything done perfectly and never being quite good enough (in spite of me working, looking after the house and having a non-sleeping one year old). I got to the point of thinking about leaving with DD as I couldn't bear never feeling good enough. With support on here I told him so and set out the rules of engagement - if he didn't like how/when I did something, do it himself, outsource it or accept how I did it in my own time. To his credit, he accepted he was being unreasonable and it's rare I get nagged or undermined.

However, DH would not ever be concerned about me being around men (WTAF?) and doesn't smoke pot hourly (I don't think this is a side issue - one partner being stoned can't be a recipe for great communication and responsiveness?). These things suggest the problem is deeper than mismatched expectations/standards of housework etc., esp. as he's never stopped smoking with repeated asking and the affect on your sex life.

He sounds controlling, depressed and like he'll drag you down regardless of your successes. I'm not saying LTB, but if you said you were seriously thinking of it would it shake him up?

FWIW if you do want to make a go of things, I do think getting up at 10am is a bit much. If he's miserable leaving in the morning, you making a bit of an effort to have a cup of tea with him first thing is a show of solidarity (even if you go straight back to bed afterwards) would be a nice thing to do. I am now a mum of two very young kids and I could not in any universe get everything in the house done sleeping until 10am (unfortunately mine get up at 6am) so again if the 'house with kids in' state is antagonising him getting up even an hour earlier in the morning might be worth it if you have time to get stuff done.

You making any additional effort would have to be contingent on him cutting his pot use and dropping the nagging though. He needs to change massively.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

He smokes pot every hour. He doesn't see anything wrong with constantly shouting and swearing at you. His main concern about you doing a PhD is that it will bring you into contact with other men.
He is seething with resentment towards you every single day.

I understand that you feel bonded with him, perhaps because he helped you through a difficult period in your life, but perhaps that bond isn't so healthy after all?

I suspect that you getting up at 7 every day and tidying the house more wouldn't actually make him any less hostile towards you. He is deeply unhappy with his lot and is choosing to blame you for everything.

I think that he is the one who needs to 'correct' his behaviour, not you.

You say he is a good father, but a good father wouldn't be permanently stoned and verbally abusive towards his children's mother.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Wombles is not taking 50K out of future earnings. She has a scholarship. What does it matter what time she gets up? If they are not living in a total tip, what does it matter what time basic housework/cooking gets done? Are we saying everyone has to be miserable/sleep deprived? My XH had this sense of things being 'fair'. In reality, this meant if he was doing something he didn't enjoy, I had to do something I didn't enjoy also. When I was doing my degree, and trying to finish a late essay studying, he volunteered to put a shelf up. This somehow involved me standing under a ladder holding tools for half an hour to save him getting down every so often to get one. I was expected to stop studying because he was doing something...this was typical of the attitude by the way, not just a self indulgent whinge. If the OP's partner is like this, it gets old very quickly.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

By the way, Wombles, has he even congratulated you on your great achievement of winning the scholarship?

I genuinely believe that if he really cared about you at all (and not just as a cook/cleaner), he would be delighted that you had done so well, regardless of the money it might contribute in the future.

Instead, he seems to be using it as just another stick to beat you with.

If he is so unhappy in his job then HE has to find some way of dealing with it, even if it means finding another job that pays a bit less. Surely the peace of mind would compensate for that?

But I don't think he will, because he seems to get a certain amount of satisfaction from blaming YOU for absolutely all his frustrations.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

I forgot to say: when he is blaming you for spending too much on Ebay, would it be worth asking how much he spends on pot every week or month?

[Twinklestein]

I was going to ask what Zorba asked.

OP for you and other women who get stuck in this type of relationship: he does not have high standards, it is not that you do not come up to scratch, it is simply that he is using criticism to control you.

That's why your ebay spending is monitored, but his pot habit is off limits. Whatever faults he has, there is no question that he is doing a nothing wrong, or should change - the focus is all on you. So you are kept on your toes, running after his approval. And it's working, you have not noticed that he is doing a number on you.

Whatever you do, however much you change, he will never stop criticising you, he will simply add new things, that is how he keeps you under control.

[Twinklestein]

anything wrong not a nothing wrong

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Also, my XH is someone who is never going to be happy. I was 'failing' as a wife. Indeed, he famously signed up for OD apparently the final straw being because I wouln't go owl-watching with him one night....ho hum. Maybe yours is like this too OP, but I hope not. My XH continues to be a miserable, resentful git, despite the new wife, and emails/texts far too often, giving the impression that New Wife has not lived up to his impossibly high standards either...

[msdiamant]

OP, do your children sleep well through the night? When do you go to bed? I am SAHM and my DH works very hard. But during the holidays or when he works from home DH can sleep for 10-12 hours. Then he would wake up, eat, watch TV, doing his things. I feel sad on those occasions and sometimes angry as he is not thinking about us starting day together. I have been the only one waking up to give breakfast to children since their birth. Even when I was deadly tired he would prefer to stay in bed longer.
I have been asked by a few friends if I wanted to do PhD and my answer was "no". In order to complete it within a few years you need to work really hard throughout the day and I cannot do it because of children. I would suggest you to collect as much material as possible now before starting it as it will really take your time. With small children you will mostly be able to do it in the evening.
I think you should talk to your DH about your relationship. Tell him that you have tried so hard to improve but he is never happy with you. Someone suggested for you to wake up earlier at least 3 times a week. That would be considered of you. Once he goes to work, go back to bed but do not tell him about it :)
P.S. My DH worked on PhD when the children were little. 5 and 8 now. He spent the whole days on it. It took him more than 4 years to complete it because of lack of data.

[TenThousandThings]

"DH has arthritis and type 1 diabetes so is up and down all night."
Is he suffering from sleep deprivation?

[Thetallesttower]

It sounds like he is trying to grind you down because he is failing to be who he wants to be. This may not be deliberate but it has to stop.

The hourly pot smoking would be a dealbreaker for me, presumably he smells of pot all the time and he also can't be looking after the children for long periods without needing to smoke.

You have done very well, you do mention you have anxiety though and I wonder about the practicalities of doing a PhD alongside caring for children. Don't the funding body expect you to be doing this full-time or are you doing it part-time? PT may be more realistic but not sure what this does to your finances.

I am also surprised about the children- is it really that typical for children to sleep 14 hours a night? I have never heard of children sleeping in so late unless they go to bed very late, in my husband's culture they go to bed very late (10/11) and then sleep late. But sleeping from 7-8 til up to 10 am sounds a little odd if I'm completely honest.

Whatever the sleeping arrangements, though, this is trivial compared to his constant criticism and dope smoking which will just grind you down over the years. Being criticised is soul destroying, I think partners should do it the least amount possible as it is so destructive in a relationship. Also- my betting is that he doesn't cook much, clean much, do anything on the list (does he get up early with the kids on the weekend and play with them?) Only you that has to change, eh?

[msdiamant]

Me too thinks it is a bit odd that OP's children sleep that long. Usuall toddlers wake up before 9am if not before 8 or 7am unless they go to bed around midnight which is oddfor llittle children.

[TheButterHalf]

OP should never have sent me this link. Thetallesttower, I do indeed smoke pot, once the children are in bed, they settle themselves and its rare to have to see to them again, by 'hourly pot smoker' OP means 8pm, 9pm, 10pm. My day monday to thursday is leave for work around 7.30am, return home by 6pm, and spend a couple of hours with the children, When the OP returns home around 7.45 we put the children to bed together. After I have completed my chores, we split the household chores almost 50/50, I smoke some pot and watch TV. On Fridays OP is home all day, Saturday morning I get the kids up ( i have to wake them ) and take them to a local soft play, my Dad has the children saturday afternoon when we both catch up with chores and have some free time. On a sunday I get a lie-in, not getting out until 11am this morning, before any of the children or the OP were up.

Recently I have started a new job which isn't working out, I am seriously worried about loosing this job and have ( in a blokes typical way ) tried to talk about this but it is all spilling out as resentment, and by resentment I mean a very strong sense of unfairness. We have agreed to see Relate where it should be discussed, not here on mumsnet.

[Logg1e]

So TheButterHalf is OP's husband. That's the second thread in 24 hours where that's happened.

[ToddlerHoover]

Fuck me. You have that life and you're resentful? You don't know you're born.

I think you both seriously need to grow up. You both sound lazy and entitled, if I'm honest. Time to put on your big boy parenting pants (both of you) and stop whinging.