Husband has scared me - is this to do with drink withdrawal?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Husband and I have been together 10years, two dc.

Very recently he acknowledged and sought help for his drinking. The GP has said he wasn't an alcoholic but was a problem drinker. He advised him to not drink 3 days a week, and moderately drink the rest of the days (within the units allowed).

This worried me as I felt that a) he wasn't entirely honest with the GP as to how much a problem drink was becoming and b) it would become a case of him thinking he could drink as much as he wanted in those days.

Anyway, today he had 2-3 glasses of wine with his dinner. The first drink he had in a week. And he has become a nasty nasty person.

He started a row with me, said some very vicious things.

It started because I asked him if he could sit with me for an hour tonight instead of playing on his computer. He's either out drinking with friends or his head is turned away from us (me and the children) playing on his PC games. I asked for one hour together tonight.

He flipped and we had a tremendous row. He was so seething at one point I thought he was going to hit me. He did but he was spitting at me (not deliberately) but he was shaking with anger and raised his hands to me. I literally have run away upstairs.

He bought things up I had no idea he felt that way about - we never see his friends (he only has drinking buddies, we have a baby and toddler) plus he never arranges anything anyway. He's angry at me because 2 years ago I didn't show I was having enough fun at his friend wedding. I was feeling ill, I was 22 weeks pregnant at the time and they had a drinks reception that last 5 hours, where only drink was served and no food not even canapés until dinner, so I was standing - there was no seating - for 5 hours drinking orange juice. Eventually I felt faint and almost collapsed and someone bought me some bread to tide me over until dinner was served. I was anaemic during both pregnancies.

Another time he's angry at me about which came out tonight was a time we went to his friends out for a BBQ. I was 8 months pregnant at the time (and dc2 was very big - 99th centile). It was the hottest day of the year, last summer remember the heat wave? And his friends had no shade in their garden so we were out int he direct sunlight for a few hours. I was running around looking after toddler whilst heavily pregnant stood in the direct sunlight for 4 hours, again felt miserable. I was polite but was feeling irritable and not great. I was also working FT up until 8.5 months, so I barely got any rest as it was.

Sorry I'm rambling, anyway, all this has come out tonight and I have no idea where it has all come from?

Could it be a drink withdrawal thing? Was it because he drank for the first time today in a week? Is it me? Was I wrong for asking him to spend an hour with me this evening?

Please I am genuinely shocked as to what happened and why this has happend.

Thank you for reading my rambling.

Well from an alcoholics perspective, yes it has got to be his choice to call but I see no harm in saying "here are some people who will help you, if you really want it".

A lot of people do not know about AA or are greatly misinformed. Alcoholics also do not know what is wrong with them. I am aware this will sound crazy to a normal person but it is true, nor do we choose drink over our families.

Alcoholism is a disease just like cancer, diabetes ect. We do not choose to be diseased, we are born that way.

The OP expressed that she wanted to help her husband. She can't help him get dry but she can help by pointing him in the right direction and becoming educated in alcoholism.

Well, chicken wing, this man's disease is making him a danger to his children, and he needs to go and live somewhere else.

Alcoholism is a disease just like cancer, diabetes ect. We do not choose to be diseased, we are born that way.

Alcoholism is an addiction just like smoking cigarettes or compulsively doing cocaine. And just like with fags or coke, all addictions ultimately come down to a choice - you either choose to continue to indulge your addiction or you choose to do something about it.

The addiction encourages you to lie to others and, particularly, to lie to yourself about what it is you are doing, why and what effects it is having on yourself and those you care about.

What AA (and other addiction treatments do) is to point out that it is a choice you are making to believe those lies and that you can choose differently. In AA you are encouraged to choose not to drink, just for today. Allan Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Smoking" encourages you to choose to be a non-smoker forever more. If addictions didn't boil down to choice then AA, Alan Carr and all other addiction treatments simply wouldn't work.

Any genetic pre-disposition towards alcoholism seems linked more to simple variation in how alcohol (and other drugs) affect certain people than anything special. It seems to be a similar thing to how painkillers and anti-depressants affect different people in different ways.

Learned behaviour seems to be at least as important, if not much more so, than any genetic pre-disposition. If you grow up seeing your parents and their friends blowing off their responsibilities in favour of getting pissed out of their brains on a regular basis then it's no surprise if you grow up to develop your own substance abuse problems as well.

This word 'Angry' comes up a lot when you're describing your OP. & all the petty past stuff he is resentful about, involves you being at friends' events and not behaving 'appropriately' in his eyes. I think this tells you where you lie in his list of priorities. I also think he doesn't like you. No wonder you broke his headphones, its frustration at his minimising of you.

Please remember that you and your DCs matter too, wont you? & one day perhaps sit and have an honest think about how you feel life will be with him in years to come...include within that, your DCs growing up in an atmosphere clouded by alcoholism and their father's attitude towards their mother.

I'm never sure why people keep on posting once the OP has "signed off" which she did sometime ago. She has had a lot of good advice and some I am sure she has found difficult to accept. It's so easy isn't it to be tapping away on a screen about LTBastard etc. If only life were that simple, there wouldn't be any need for these kinds of forum.

Just in case OP comes back however I would like to point out that a GP will not alert Social Services because a man presents with a drinking problem.

HowardTMoon I find your posts very impressive, especially in relation to this old chestnut about alcoholism being a disease, rather than an addiction, and like any addiction, be it smoking, gambling, drug taking, eating too little or too much, even exercise can become an addiction.

I'm hoping that the OP may still be lurking.

First of all, you don't need to stay with him and expose yourself and your children to this in order to support him. You can tell him that things are in hold until he sorts himself out then carry on with your life and care for your dc.

But be aware that he is also showing all the signs of an abuser, and that won't magically disappear along with the drinking. It is a separate and second issue that he has to address. He won't be able to do that until he is clear if alcohol, but his attitude of you having to behave how he wants in public, breaking the kids toys etc needs to change. Use your time apart to read up on this. The Lundy Bancroft book is good, and specifically addresses alcohol and abuse. There are also many online resources. Do equip yourself mentally and practically for going it alone, and try not to get drawn into hi drama.

You really need to separate yourself as the more you get drawn in the worse he will get. I really hope that you have some rl support and best wishes.

nana - wouldn't the GP alert SS if the man told the truth though? That he went nuts in front of his children and broke their toys? That was my point - sorry all if unclear

the thing is that being an alcoholic isn't like having an addiction actually. it is nothing like smoking. what is 'wrong' with the person often has it's roots way earlier than when their drinking became a problem.

i agree there is no harm in the OP telling her husband about aa and asking him to call them. only he can make himself go or keep going or actually listen openly when he gets there but getting there is a good first step however it happens.

Is alcoholism the only substance abuse issue that has some magic ingredient over and above simple addiction or are there others? If we called a smack addict a "heroinic" would it make them something special too?

from what you've told me he sounds like a generally horrendous person who also has a drink problem,

What do you get from this relationship?

someone who takes heroine on a daily basis will become addicted. many people drink on a daily basis without becoming alcohol dependent or an alcoholic.

why is that do you think if alcohol is just another addictive substance like nicotine?

heroin even

and i'm pretty sure that if they sold heroin legally on every corner a lot of the people we call alcoholics would be using that instead or as well.

I just wanted to add my voice to what others have said:

It is absolute rubbish that someone can't be an alcoholic if they are able to not drink for 3 days in a row. Alcoholism is all about being defenceless/unable to stop after the first drink. I can't believe that any GP would seriously say that, so am tempted to think that your DH was lying.

I would also bet money on him having had more wine than you saw him drinking at dinner. He may well have had some on the quiet before dinner or even have it stashed away somewhere else in the house. He may well be very defensive about his drinking and be lashing out at you because he has been pulled up on it.

Either way, it sounds like you are having a Hellish time and my heart goes out to you. I wouldn't sweat over the headphones, you were at the end of your rag - and I don't see how anyone could think it normal for him not to eat with the rest of the family and play computer games instead.

The trouble with alcoholism/problem drinking is that you can't force anyone to acknowledge they have a problem or steer them towards stopping/cutting down. It has to come from them. Often the best strategy is the 'tough love' one where you refuse to cover for them/make allowances. My father only stopped drinking when my stepmother left him (as opposed to threatening to leave him).

A v good idea to go to an Al-Anon meeting, as a couple of other posters have recommended.

Good luck, OP. Sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate...

I think alcoholism here is a bit of a red herring and may distract you OP from the real issue.
That your OH is not a good person. Regardless of drink.
He needs to sort himself out while limiting the damage he can do to the children and you.

why is that do you think if alcohol is just another addictive substance like nicotine?

and i'm pretty sure that if they sold heroin legally on every corner a lot of the people we call alcoholics would be using that instead or as well.

I'm sorry numptynamechange but you've confused me now. You seem to be saying that alcoholism both is and isn't different from other addictions.

no. i don't - it was you said it was just like other ones hence i asked you to explain something that you've quoted me asking you but haven't actually answered.

and no i'm not saying it's just like other addictions i'm saying that the 'ism of the alcoholic is most easily and readily channeled into alcohol in some cases because that's the most readily available, socially acceptable and introduced to young 'medicine' available and that some would treat that 'ism with other medicines too if that medicine were as readily available.

however i'd still like to hear your thoughts on how if alcoholism is just like heroin addiction how come some people can drink relatively heavily daily for a considerable period of time and not become an alcoholic whereas if they did the same with heroine they would indeed be addicted?