Husband has scared me - is this to do with drink withdrawal?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Husband and I have been together 10years, two dc.

Very recently he acknowledged and sought help for his drinking. The GP has said he wasn't an alcoholic but was a problem drinker. He advised him to not drink 3 days a week, and moderately drink the rest of the days (within the units allowed).

This worried me as I felt that a) he wasn't entirely honest with the GP as to how much a problem drink was becoming and b) it would become a case of him thinking he could drink as much as he wanted in those days.

Anyway, today he had 2-3 glasses of wine with his dinner. The first drink he had in a week. And he has become a nasty nasty person.

He started a row with me, said some very vicious things.

It started because I asked him if he could sit with me for an hour tonight instead of playing on his computer. He's either out drinking with friends or his head is turned away from us (me and the children) playing on his PC games. I asked for one hour together tonight.

He flipped and we had a tremendous row. He was so seething at one point I thought he was going to hit me. He did but he was spitting at me (not deliberately) but he was shaking with anger and raised his hands to me. I literally have run away upstairs.

He bought things up I had no idea he felt that way about - we never see his friends (he only has drinking buddies, we have a baby and toddler) plus he never arranges anything anyway. He's angry at me because 2 years ago I didn't show I was having enough fun at his friend wedding. I was feeling ill, I was 22 weeks pregnant at the time and they had a drinks reception that last 5 hours, where only drink was served and no food not even canapés until dinner, so I was standing - there was no seating - for 5 hours drinking orange juice. Eventually I felt faint and almost collapsed and someone bought me some bread to tide me over until dinner was served. I was anaemic during both pregnancies.

Another time he's angry at me about which came out tonight was a time we went to his friends out for a BBQ. I was 8 months pregnant at the time (and dc2 was very big - 99th centile). It was the hottest day of the year, last summer remember the heat wave? And his friends had no shade in their garden so we were out int he direct sunlight for a few hours. I was running around looking after toddler whilst heavily pregnant stood in the direct sunlight for 4 hours, again felt miserable. I was polite but was feeling irritable and not great. I was also working FT up until 8.5 months, so I barely got any rest as it was.

Sorry I'm rambling, anyway, all this has come out tonight and I have no idea where it has all come from?

Could it be a drink withdrawal thing? Was it because he drank for the first time today in a week? Is it me? Was I wrong for asking him to spend an hour with me this evening?

Please I am genuinely shocked as to what happened and why this has happend.

Thank you for reading my rambling.

I feel like I fuelled things by smashing them but I ws so angry and upset. He's obviously resentful for me trying to get him to change.

Thank you all for listening and helping me. I'm going to bed now and will update you in the morning.

Hope you get some sleep, NickName.

He's talking rubbish, as everyone else has pointed out.

Is there anything he does do that you feel positive about?

Please think about what you will do if he doesn't change. Think about your children. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is shit and can affect your whole life. You may not argue in front of the children or anything, but that doesn't mean they're not aware, and as they grow older, they'll become more aware, unless things change.

OP, what kind of life is this for you and your children? Even without the drinking issue what is he contributing to the happiness of you and your children? The drinking is very concerning, but aside from that he is behaving like a first class selfish twat, not a husband/father.

I am beginning to doubt he went to the doctor at all.

I also now want to say LTB. Sorry.

It's likely nothing to do with alcohol withdrawal, he had a break for 3days so it went to his head.

He probably blames you for making him look at the alcohol as a problem so he spits bile at you for anything and everything.

That will then make you blow up giving him a reason to be able to drink which then makes his drinking your fault therefor he doesn't have a problem with drink. You make him need to have a drink so it's your problem if you don't like it (in his head)

Even if the gp did say that smell bullshit tbh three glasses is excessive with a meal anyway. Would be less than an hour no! I can make 2 glasses (half a bottle) last all night and not want any more

He sounds both alcoholic and abusive. Do some reading and get yourself some security so that you are able to leave if/when you are ready.

Can I ask how your relationship has been over the past 10 years, as all we know about is the nasty incident that happened yesterday, but nothing about the past. Has his drinking been a problem all through the past decade or does it "ebb and flow" so to speak. I agree with others that the actual term e.g. alcoholic, problem drinker etc is irrelevant. If drinking to excess is affecting your home life (which it is - at least in the recent past) and your work like (is this happening?) then it is a problem.

I'm not sure he went to the GP either and even if he did he would almost certainly not have said the true amount he was drinking. In a busy GP surgery there is not going to be time to go into the reasons for the drinking. I think there is a view that you should have several alcohol free days during the week to allow your liver to recuperate, so to speak, so that's where the 3 days might have come from. Also it would have been quite reasonable for a GP to say that moderate drinking on say 4 nights a week would be ok.

The issues that he brought up during the row seem to me like he was casting around for something he could "legitimately" (in his view) blame you for, because something was "eating away at him" - could it be guilt I wonder. I think a lot of men (in particular) mask their guilt with anger. Women do this too, but I think as women we are more inclined to recognise and act out our true feelings, rather than masking them. Men are less emotionally literate in general and so are more likely to mask their true feelings.

What are positives in your marriage?
Have things got worse since the children arrived?
Does you DH hold down a responsible job - do you have any financial worries?
Do you enjoy alcohol and feel relaxed by it, as many of us do, or have you been worried in the past about his drinking - is what happened last night a very unusual incident.

Re the computer - I honestly think this is an addiction and I am addicted to a certain extent, not on games but just poddling around different sites which is why I am posting this at 2.10 a.m. when I should be in bed!!!

Sorry to be asking so many questions - just trying to get a handle on things, so maybe able to offer more help.

The man is drinking, lying and aggressive. Smashing the headphones was not an appropriate response but, as a one off and in the face of extreme provocation, shouldn't side-track you.

Maybe it is to do with drink withdrawal but the root cause is Being a Horrible Fucking Twat. Maybe not LTB at this point but make it clear he has to choose: if he wants to carry on boozing and being a bastard, he had better not let the door hit him on the arse on the way out.

Please phone AA yourself, to get yourself some advice and put things into perspective for you - drink or no drink he should NEVER have shouted at you like that, you can't just be left as something to unleash his emotions on.

For the moment don't try and fix your husbands alcoholism, the gp may have given him the perfect advice but people frequently lie if they don't like what they hear, or the gp may have been a bit crap - in which your husband needs to get further help for himself.

This is really and truly not your problem, it is his problem to sort out if he wants to.

For your own sanity try and get some space to put your thoughts in order as to what your prepared to put with and for how long.

He's clearly an alcoholic and also a horrible person. Why do you want to continue this relationship?
Are you scared of being alone? Worried about money? Worried about your DC?

Three large glasses of wine is at least 9 units of alcohol. The daily guidelines for men is 3 to 4 units. He is obviously not able to drink within the guidelines.

I agree with others posters. Did you go to the doctors with him? Are you sure he really went? And do you know if he was telling them truth about how much he drinks? How much do you really think he drinks? Does he accept he has a problem? If he does not accept he has a problem he will not stop drinking.

There is no GP in this entire country that would have advised your husband as he claims. The rubbish he is peddlng about not being an alcoholic but a 'problem drinker' because he can go three days without a drink, and not 'qualifying' for AA? What a load of bunkum - no GP said any such things to him.
I don't even think he minimised what he drank to said GP...I think he didn't go and see one at all.
He is lying to you.
And he is abusing you.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

"he said the GP said if you go without alcohol for 3 days in a row you an never be classed as an alcoholic"

What is YOUR definition of an alcoholic?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of YOURS are being met here?.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot change it
You cannot cure it

My guess is that he's had a drink problem most of if not his entire adult life and you have excused/minimised it for your own reasons. Perhaps you thought too that he would change once he became a parent - well no. No-one else too but his drinking buddies would put up with him; it is therefore of no surprise to me at all that his only friends are themselves alcoholics.

Did you yourself grow up in a home where alcoholism featured?.

I do not believe for one second that he actually visited the GP at all and has instead told you what you want to hear. The above sentence in particular that he said to you is a complete lot of old tosh, no GP would have stated such a thing. Alcoholics as well are supremely selfish and mired in denial.

He is neither willing or able to want to deal with his alcoholism and is also making your home life a complete misery by being abusive towards you as well. Alcoholism is truly a family disease and you're as caught up in it as he is; you need to step off that merry go around. What has
been tried to date has not worked and is not working.

I would suggest you talk to Al-anon today if possible as they are helpful to family members of alcoholics.

Is this really what you want your children to remember about their childhoods; they won't thank you for staying with such a person and will wonder of you why you put him before them instead.

Re the GP appointment:-

"He didn't want me at the appointment with him"

That is no surprise either; I do not think for one minute that he attended the surgery. Your H is lying through his teeth.

I am sorry you are living like this, I have no more useful advice but hope you had a restful night and feel ok this morning.

In my opinion if he was going to have a chance of staying married to you, he would have to be completely open, and that would mean joint appointments with the doctor.
And contacting AA in front of you.

You shouldn't be begging him to spend time with you. It should be his choice, but he should be completely clear that his behaviour could well lead to the break up of your marriage. His choice.

His gp can only go in what he is told. Fact is, if you or I went to the dr and said " I think perhaps my alcohol intake is a bit high" but yet played down any kind of "problem drinking", then it would be perfectly sensible to advise a couple of alcohol free days and to stick to weekly units.

However if you husband had said, "I get aggressive toward my wife when drunk" then I'm sure the gp would advise abstinence.

I believe your husband lied/played things down to receive the original advice, and regardless, the goalposts have changed now forever given that he has crossed the line and become so abusive to you whilst under the influence.

You have to live with this man. If it was me I would not accept any drinking full stop, and if he has issues with you he should discuss them in the cold light of day.

He sounds very immature. I hope you are ok now op.

his gp may have said that he is not alcohol dependent if he can go three days without drink. that isn't the same thing as not being alcoholic, it just means he hasn't yet gotten to the stage where his body is so dependent he becomes seriously ill if he suddenly stops.

there is no 'qualification' for aa btw - anyone who thinks they have a problem with alcohol can go and just sit and listen and work out if they are an alcoholic.

tbh though OP his alcohol problems sound like the tip of the iceberg if he has you standing around for hours without food whilst heavily pregnant, or stuck out in the sunshine chasing a toddler whilst again heavily pregnant. who does that? not a nice person i'm afraid. someone who cares about you considers how you're feeling, whether you are comfortable etc. his friends sound like a load of shit bags too if they let you stand all that time at the reception without one of them having the gumption to find you a chair ffs.

Thank you everyone. I do think he went to the GP buti think he very much downplayed how bad things have got. We had an almighty row today in front of the kids, he broke some their toys and ripped two of his tops before sobbing that've has a problem.

I don't know how to help!

He said he feels alone and that none in the world miss him if he had gone. He said he's using his computer as a substitute for alcohol and justwantsto block us out and play anytime he's not at work to kill time.

I ant live like that - together but apart.i want to help him but he won't tellme how to help! I scared to talk to him and hate that the poor dc witnessed such a horrible row.

numpty I remember almost crying because one of his friends gf was trying to find me some bread and a chair to sit on when she saw how bad I was feeling.

He says he doesn't have real friends on,y drinking buddies and maybe my guess is he's scared of not having any friends if he cuts drinking right down.

Sorry that should read sobbing that he has a problem.