Husband has scared me - is this to do with drink withdrawal?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Husband and I have been together 10years, two dc.

Very recently he acknowledged and sought help for his drinking. The GP has said he wasn't an alcoholic but was a problem drinker. He advised him to not drink 3 days a week, and moderately drink the rest of the days (within the units allowed).

This worried me as I felt that a) he wasn't entirely honest with the GP as to how much a problem drink was becoming and b) it would become a case of him thinking he could drink as much as he wanted in those days.

Anyway, today he had 2-3 glasses of wine with his dinner. The first drink he had in a week. And he has become a nasty nasty person.

He started a row with me, said some very vicious things.

It started because I asked him if he could sit with me for an hour tonight instead of playing on his computer. He's either out drinking with friends or his head is turned away from us (me and the children) playing on his PC games. I asked for one hour together tonight.

He flipped and we had a tremendous row. He was so seething at one point I thought he was going to hit me. He did but he was spitting at me (not deliberately) but he was shaking with anger and raised his hands to me. I literally have run away upstairs.

He bought things up I had no idea he felt that way about - we never see his friends (he only has drinking buddies, we have a baby and toddler) plus he never arranges anything anyway. He's angry at me because 2 years ago I didn't show I was having enough fun at his friend wedding. I was feeling ill, I was 22 weeks pregnant at the time and they had a drinks reception that last 5 hours, where only drink was served and no food not even canapés until dinner, so I was standing - there was no seating - for 5 hours drinking orange juice. Eventually I felt faint and almost collapsed and someone bought me some bread to tide me over until dinner was served. I was anaemic during both pregnancies.

Another time he's angry at me about which came out tonight was a time we went to his friends out for a BBQ. I was 8 months pregnant at the time (and dc2 was very big - 99th centile). It was the hottest day of the year, last summer remember the heat wave? And his friends had no shade in their garden so we were out int he direct sunlight for a few hours. I was running around looking after toddler whilst heavily pregnant stood in the direct sunlight for 4 hours, again felt miserable. I was polite but was feeling irritable and not great. I was also working FT up until 8.5 months, so I barely got any rest as it was.

Sorry I'm rambling, anyway, all this has come out tonight and I have no idea where it has all come from?

Could it be a drink withdrawal thing? Was it because he drank for the first time today in a week? Is it me? Was I wrong for asking him to spend an hour with me this evening?

Please I am genuinely shocked as to what happened and why this has happend.

Thank you for reading my rambling.

the doctor can prescribe a mild tranquiliser to ease him through the withdrawal. mood does tend to lift after a while of not drinking but he has to get through that initial withdrawal and rollercoaster. apart from anything else he may not be used to feeling his feelings anymore having just drunk them down for so long.

i'm lost as to whether to focus on the drinking or to focus on this not being fair on you

Perhaps directing him towards AA might help? If he admits he has a problem then seeking specific support might be good.

Wow that is some real insight he has into what is going on. He needs more help clearly. You need to go to a support group for families of alcoholics. It sounds awful OP but maybe things can get better in the relationship if he can admit the extent of the problem and get proper support. What he is doing, cutting back, is unsustainable.

Hi OP,
Sorry you are going through this.

You need to stop worrying about him and start worrying about you. You are the only one secure thing for your children because their father is an abusive alcoholic. Stand up for them by standing up for yourself. He wants everything to be about him. He is being disgustingly selfish and nasty as well as self-pitying and self-involved. Meanwhile you get no respect and the children are seeing you being treated abominably.

You need to be strong. Stop running around him and trying to work out 'why why why' or what you can do to help. This is a never-ending piece of string. Talk to your RL friends and family, talk to your GP. Gather help around you for yourself and your children. Please don't spend all your time worrying about making him alright, this is not going to be the answer for you.

You and the children cannot continue to live like this. It is ultimatum time.

Thank you... numpty that's how I feel. One part of me feels it's not fair for me and the children to have to walk on eggshells around him while he sits with his back to us. The other part wants to help him as he's admitted a problem.

does he have parents he could stay with for a little while?

When he was sobbing, that may have been the best time to get on the phone to aa and tell him what needs to be done! It's clear he has a problem, I hope he agrees to help

If he never touched another drop, you cannot have a healthy relationship with a man who would treat you with such awful, wilful neglect while pregnant - and then get angry with you about it.

Or a man who would leave his tired, sick wife with the bulk of the childcare and responsibility for financial affairs, while he drinks or plays games to cope with his 'demons'

Or a man who breaks his children's toys - drunk, sober or in withdrawal.

I don't think you can help him, OP - you need the help here.

Oh God - you've had some great advice on this thread. I don't have anything to add but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you

I'm horrified at the breaking of the toys - particularly in front of the children. That's really upset me so lord knows how you're feeling and the DCs.

This can't go on. Problem or not, you can't expose the DCs to this type of behaviour. Can you ask him to leave and go to his parents for a bit. If not, can you leave and go to your parents with the DCs? I'm really worried about the three of you being there

It's great that you want to help him but, honestly, unless you are either a recovered alcoholic and/or a trained addiction counsellor there's bugger-all you can realistically do to help him.

My guess, as others have said, is that the anger you saw is a combination of a) him seeing you as the "booze police" and getting between him and alcohol, and b) him subconsciously trying to engineer a situation where he could justify to himself going out to get even more alcohol.

This morning he was hungover, feeling remorseful and sorry for himself. Hence what he said. I don't doubt for a second that, right then, he meant what he said. But moments of clarity like that mean very little if they're not followed by serious action by him. There are any number of services and charities that can help him. But he needs to take the lead in accessing them.

Fundamentally the answer to all of the "Why does he do...?" type questions is "Because he's an alcoholic". Many alcoholics go to the doctor, lie about their drinking, and come back with some bullshit about what the doctor actually said. And still they keep drinking. Many alcoholics break down in tears begging for help. And still they keep drinking. Many alcoholics can stay sober for days, weeks, months or even years. And still they go back to drinking.

An alcoholic who talks about wanting help but still keeps drinking is just another active alcoholic. Active alcoholics make shitty partners and shitty parents because their real relationship is with alcohol, not people.

There's an excellent book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I recommend you read it.

I think you need to focus on you and the DCs now.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that SS will swoop in and take your DCs However, just should there be any referral to external agencies, (perhaps by the GP if he goes again and tells the truth or, God forbid, the police if they have to be called if he goes bonkers again), you want to b able to demonstrate that safeguarding the DCs is and has been your top priority - over helping him.

I know that if my DH suddenly started acting like this, then helping him (an adult, who can help himself) would be secondary

NickNamechangedforthis,

re your comment:-
"Thank you everyone. I do think he went to the GP buti think he very much downplayed how bad things have got. We had an almighty row today in front of the kids, he broke some their toys and ripped two of his tops before sobbing that've has a problem.

I don't know how to help!

He said he feels alone and that none in the world miss him if he had gone. He said he's using his computer as a substitute for alcohol and justwantsto block us out and play anytime he's not at work to kill time.

I ant live like that - together but apart.i want to help him but he won't tellme how to help! I scared to talk to him and hate that the poor dc witnessed such a horrible row".

He has crossed yet another line.

Yet again you are playing the co-dependent enabler and provoker roles here to perfection, I am sorry to reiterate this but you are really as caught up in this as he is.

This man is unwilling to help his own self and has lied about the GP appointment. I ask you how can YOU, yes you his wife help him exactly?. Stop helping him and let him go!!. All you have done to date is enable this as well. He does not want your bloody help and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him anyway. Sorry that sounds harsh but its true.

This happened and presumably you are both still there in this house?.

Awful for the children to have seen this as well and they've had their toys busted as well. FGS put yourself and your children first now for a change, not this man. How dare he wreak your lives like this!. But you are not helping in this either.

What sort of life do you want your children to have?. They will simply not have any sort of good childhood if you remain with this man out of pity or any innate fear on your part of being "alone".

You can't help him, he has to help himself. You need to concentrate on your own well being and that of your DC. He needs to face up to his problems - nobody can help him with this.
Please consider contacting Alcoholics Anonymous - they can be a massive help to partners of alcoholics in just the same situation as you. Best wishes.

wyrdyBird is talking great sense.
It does not matter whether he drinks 3 glasses of wine or 23.
It does not matter whether he went to the gp or not (although now I have heard that there is a medical distinction between being an alcoholic and a 'problem drinker' and that there you need to 'qualify for AA', I think I have heard it all)
You could not 'help' him anyway, as others have said
It does, however, matter very much that he is a nasty, nasty, nasty man.
All the behaviours you mention are beyond foul.
Please plan to leave with the children - or to get him to leave and never come back!

You need Al-anon now more than ever to talk to.

Their helpline number is 020 7403 0888 and they are there every day.

Do call them.

just ignore the posts you find too much for now if you want to OP.

some are very harsh towards you and i can imagine how they will feel right now.

i do think he needs to get out of the house till he gets some help. talk to him now whilst he's remorseful and before he's drunk about what happened in front of the children and that he needs to go now and deal with this away from the children.

Please listen to Attila. Please. She speaks so much sense

This thread has really upset me. Normally I can distance myself a bit but I just feel so awful for your DCs and for you.

You must prioritise your DCs here.

OP needs to read all the posts no matter how difficult they are for her to read. It will be hard but my respect for her would go up a further notch if she did read them all.

She can ignore the advice but there's been a row there this morning with some of their children's toys broken by their dad. A further line has been crossed.

Problem here is as well that she has likely minimised and excused him for so long its become almost normal. She's perhaps become conditioned over time to his excessive drinking. OP is on a merry go around that she badly needs to get off.

My main concern here is primarily for both the OP and her children; they do not need or warrant a drunkard for a dad/H in their lives. Alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic, it is truly a family disease with wide reaching consequences for all involved.

Attila is right though - you can't help him, except by making it extremely clear to him that he has to stop the drinking and shape up. Only by him realising that he and he alone is the problem, and he and he alone can fix it, will things get better. (Sorry for Yoda-esque speak!)

HE has to do the work. Anything you try to do to help him along, soften the pain, control his drinking etc. will not help him in the long run.

All you can do now is keep yourself and your children safe, and leave him to sort himself out. If you feel safe with him in the house then that is up to you (frankly I wouldn't at the moment, he sounds almost psychotic!) but he needs to do this by himself and for himself, first and foremost.

I am disgusted that he took his temper out on your DC's toys, that's just awful. I hope they are ok (the DC, not the toys!)

In front of the kids? Time to leave and sort this out from afar, your relationship now has to take second place to the damage this is now causing the children.

Okay I am very serious about changing things and never want my children to have to witness this again. Is the only solution to divorce then? He's broken down this morning and asked for help. He said he feels alone in the world and that if he wasn't here no one would miss him.

This was the first full week he didn't drink everyday or get drunk.

Surely I need to support him? Is divorce really the only solution here?

I suffered from anxiety issues afrer dc2 was born and he stuck by me shouldn't I be there for him?

I totally understand that alcoholism wrecks lives - my father is an alcoholic, but what about the people that get help and recover?

I feel as if I'm in a catch 22 - stay with him and I'm enabling leave him and I didn't even help him when he needed me the most.

I feel like shit.

I don't think you need to move immediately to divorce. However, he needs to get out of the house until he has sorted out what sounds like a very serious drinking problem.

I say it's serious because arguing and behaving like that in front of the children Is. Not. On. They can't chose whether to be treated like that. Therefore you have to protect them from that behaviour

He has treated you terribly too. You do have a choice. If you had no children and were accepting of being treated like shit then, as two adults, you could get on with it

However, you have children and your first priority is them. Therefore, you can't be available to "help" him. Presumably your anxiety did not lead you to create dreadful, damaging, scenes in front of your children? If it had, then your husband would have been quite right to tell you that caring for your children had to be his first priority over helping you.

Do you see how you cannot equate the two?

Why is he asking YOU for help. It's not for you to help him. It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is the children

He can get help. From the GP and AA. Then it's up to him to help himself

Explain to him that, as a responsible and loving parent, he will not want you to put helping him above caring for the DCs. Therefore, you can point him in the direction of help -AA etc - but he needs to contact them himself etc.

He also needs to get out of your house or you and the DC do.

Divorce may not be the only way , but you need to show you're serious. I would want him to leave until he's shown real, sustained evidence that he's getting support and hasn't been drinking. The main thing at the moment is you need to know the children will be safe and while he's in the house, you can't know that. Also, by letting him stay, there's nothing to show him you are putting the children's needs first. He can carry on, things might be uncomfortable for a bit, but that's all. There's no real need for him to change, because you're still there - it is enabling, not supporting.

I have scars on my hand and forehead. My mother was drunk and lost her temper. I nearly lost an eye. What if it's not the toys next time he loses control? I don't doubt my mother never meant to hit me, but she did and it changed our relationship forever and not in a good way. The scars aren't very noticeable to others, but I know they're there and I also think it's got a lot to do with me having very few close relationships, because I can't trust people easily. All because my mother hit me when she was drunk. Your husband has shown he's capable of behaving like this. Please don't expose your children to the risk any more.

bear -