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Original poster

Tell me it will be OK

46 replies

buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 19:07

I have recently discovered I am pregnant (unplanned) and that my DH of less than 2 years has been having an affair. I am in shock, I think. I seem to be functioning on autodrive and nothing has sunk in yet.

He is sleeping in the spare room but I have no idea how to process anything that is happening at the moment.
What on earth is going to happen? How am I going to get through a pregnancy on my own, let alone what happens when the baby arrives?

Has anybody been in a similar situation and had it turn out OK? How did you cope?

I have a million thoughts and questions, my head is a mess right now.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 22/02/2014 19:14

I suppose it depends upon the reason for the affair. I do think that's important in regards to sticking at it.

Did he own up? How long? Does he want to stay?

I know the rug has been pulled from under you but I know you will get sound advice here.

The only true thing I can say is that you won't feel this way forever, it will get easier, nicer and better.

Original poster
buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 19:17

He admitted it, I had no idea. He doesn't want us to be together but says he wants to be involved with the baby. I can't even begin to get my head around the practicalities of how that will work with a tiny baby.

OP posts:
Twinkleandbunty · 22/02/2014 19:21

You poor thing Sad
You are probably in shock - two massive life changing events.
Similar happened to me - I got dumped when I told my ex I was pregnant (OW was waiting in the background it turned out).
I went through my pregnancy alone but with the support of wonderful friends, and am raising DS on my own. He sees his dad, but I'm the one who makes the day to day decisions and now I just feel sorry for my ex as he's missing out on so much!
If you decide to go it alone you will be fine - it's not easy but it's the most rewarding thing you'll do.
Take things slowly and look after yourself. Talk to your friends/family and get RL support. Keep posting here - you will be fine xx

Quitelikely · 22/02/2014 19:21

Oh dear. What a terrible shame. It's hard realising you're with a cheat but even worse given that your pregnant and that he doesn't want to work at it.

Can you kick him out? How many weeks are you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2014 19:24

Do you have someone IRL you can be with at the moment? Friends or family perhaps? Tell him to leave rather than having him hanging around the place. Sorry you've had such a horrible shock

SerenaBracken · 22/02/2014 19:26

"I suppose it depends upon the reason for the affair."
I learn something new everyday, such as there are reasons for affairs.

How far gone are you? Are you seeing it through? Was he kind to you until the baby news? Your parents? His parents? What help do have lined up? Work? Benefits?

IHateWinter · 22/02/2014 19:31

less than 2 years together. What a bastard. And I-don't-want-you-but would-like-the-baby-speech just to really stick the boot in.

The good thing is that

A) you've found out sooner rather than later that he isn't marriage material after all. Imagine if you had invested 10+ years marriage?

B) Theres only one baby with him, which means it will be easier for you to get back your autonomy 2 DCs+ and it gets harder.

Don't think too far ahead you'll only stress yourself out. Do you have friends or family? Don't be ashamed to lean on other people (lol prostrate yourself flat on others if necessary)

This may sound strange but if you have any male friends lean on them especially. It helps fill the gap.

It can be done and you can get through this and come out happier. I promise. I speak from experience.

Can you stay in the marital home?

Fancynancypants1 · 22/02/2014 19:40

Really sorry to hear about your husbands affair but don't let it ruin your pregnancy.

Maybe you need to separate so there is no emotional harm. See how things pan out.

You might have to reconcile yourself to being a lone parent amd bearing the burden of child rearing, financial burden and keeping your own job open. But beong a single parent is actually quite enjoyable and you can look forward to meeting a good man if your marriage does end.

Whatever your feelings towards your husband, resolve to keep your unborn baby. Listen to no one who tells you otherwise. This child will mean the world to you and bring you real joy. x

Quitelikely · 22/02/2014 19:40

Serena it's relevant for some. It might be black and white to you but not for everyone.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 19:47

OP how many weeks pregnant are you?

I know that this is scary and unfair, but you will be ok, and things will get easier.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 19:48

Against my better judgement... QuiteLikely why does it matter what the reason is for this man's cheating? He's left his wife, that's what she has to deal with.

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinkleandbunty · 22/02/2014 20:00

Agree that if someone cheats they cheat. There are no 'reasons' or excuses IMO.
People should have the courage and decency to get out of one relationship before getting intimate with, or shagging someone else.
If that is deemed black and white then so be it. I've seen too much hurt, humiliation and devastation caused by blurring of lines between one relationship and the next.

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quitelikely · 22/02/2014 20:06

There is a reason for everything, everything.

The reason could be they had no sex for months, she was abusive to him and so on. Sometimes, just sometimes people can't leave an unhappy relationship so they seek what is missing elsewhere. This means a person should take some responsibility for the relationship not working out.

This means there is a correlation between the things.

So one partner might say ok I have been awful to live with the past few months, I'm sorry, I will sort it, lets try again.

And lots of people try again after an affair.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 20:17

Bullshit QuiteLikely. You're suggesting that the OP drove her husband to have sex with another woman because she was abusing him? I don't think that this is the thread for telling a woman she needs to take responsibility for the cheating and lying and sex that her husband chose.

Wrapdress · 22/02/2014 20:20

I have a child (now an adult) and have never married. Not going to lie. It's exhausting and lonely. Never had money problems luckily, but it is the sheer logistics of birthing and raising a child on your own that is the challenge.

Then again I have heard couples argue:
"The baby needs changing."
"You change him."
"I changed him last time."
"No you didn't. It's your turn."
"I am in the middle of gardening. My hands are dirty."
"So, I changed him last time. You still have to do it."
"I'm not doing it, you have to."

....and, really, my baby would have already been changed while this conversation goes on and on and on and on.....

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 20:29

I am less than 5 weeks, we found out only a few days ago and he broke his news yesterday. I knew something was wrong, as although the pregnancy was unplanned I thought he would be happy about it. We have been together for 10 years and always planned to have children. When I told him he completely shut down, went out for a walk and then was really distant. I was completely shocked and broken about his reaction.

When he told me about the affair I felt like, 'oh, that makes sense then'. I know it hasn't sunk in as I haven't even cried yet.

Prior to this things have been fine, a little stale and boring and he has been 'off' sometimes but I have always put that down to work stresses (for both of us).

I have a small number of close friends but no-one that I can really lean on heavily. I tried ringing my closest friend yesterday and couldn't get hold of her.
My family are supportive to a point, but very judgemental and see things as being very black and white. I'm not ready to tell them yet. My parents have been married for 30+ years and don't have any experience of anything like this. I knew I would find some wise souls on here with useful support and advice.

I have a good job and am able to support myself financially. We are renting and I will be able to continue to live here until the lease is up but will need to find a house for when the baby arrives.

OP posts:
KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 20:33

OP you need to have a think about whether you want to continue with the pregnancy.

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 20:34

Cross-posted with Rollo I agree about trying to contact your friend for some RL support. Can you text or email her saying that you could really do with meeting up?

jayho · 22/02/2014 20:35

you said been together 2 years, do you mean been together 10 years, living together 2 years?

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 20:38

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