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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me it will be OK

46 replies

buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 19:07

I have recently discovered I am pregnant (unplanned) and that my DH of less than 2 years has been having an affair. I am in shock, I think. I seem to be functioning on autodrive and nothing has sunk in yet.

He is sleeping in the spare room but I have no idea how to process anything that is happening at the moment.
What on earth is going to happen? How am I going to get through a pregnancy on my own, let alone what happens when the baby arrives?

Has anybody been in a similar situation and had it turn out OK? How did you cope?

I have a million thoughts and questions, my head is a mess right now.

OP posts:

randommoniker · 22/02/2014 20:39

My father was an utter arse and my mother had to divorce him when I was 1. She brought me up as a single mother and it was brilliant. I am sure it was v. tough for her at times, but I never wished they'd stayed together and never felt I was missing out on anything. Single mothers and their children often have a specially close bond.

Good luck to you and so sorry you are having to deal with these 2 big unexpected bombshells at once.

ThePinkOcelot · 22/02/2014 20:41

Well, I've certainly learned something today. It's the wifes fault when her H has an affair!! Quite, get real!

So sorry OP. Look after yourself and concentrate on what is the best way forward for you. An unmumsnetty hug for you ((()))

Original poster

buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 20:41

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I am just functioning at the moment. I have had a very chilled out day watching Netflix, reading and waiting for it all to hit me.

I am scared to tell anybody IRL, it is so embarrassing and I feel stupid for marrying and trusting him, let alone finding myself in this situation.

He is still living here at the moment, in the spare room.

Do you know what the stupidest thing is? He keeps crying and all I can do is feel sorry for him. I feel like I have ruined his relationship with the OW by falling pregnant and I feel sorry for him. WTF? Why is my brain doing that to me?

OP posts:

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 20:46

He's the one who has been stupid. And sneaky and unkind and broken his vows and let a lot of people down.

Is his name on the lease? Can you afford the rent on your own until the lease runs out?

He keeps crying and all I can do is feel sorry for him Why is he crying? You know what they say on here, "Was he crying when he was balls deep in another woman?".

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 20:48

I feel sorry for him. WTF? Why is my brain doing that to me?

I think it's because we can't turn our feelings off like that, you can't suddenly not love someone, even if just the habit of loving someone is all that remains - you know? Like ending a phone call with "I love you" or putting a kiss on the end of a text. Habit.

randommoniker · 22/02/2014 20:50

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Whatsoever. You are married and got pregnant. He is the one who should feel embarrassed and ashamed.

As to why you are feeling sorry for him, I suspect your hormones may be playing a part. No expert on this, but I remember becoming increasingly soppy and blubby about anything remotely moving on TV or in the news when pregnant. Your 'caring' antennae are probably acutely tuned just now.

But I'd try to ignore those signals and focus on yourself and your baby - assuming you plan on keeping it. You need to put yourself first and be kind to yourself. My bet is you'll be surprised how strong you can be.

Original poster

buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 20:54

King thank you, your posts have really made me smile. He is a dick! It hadn't occurred to me that everyone else has been fooled too. That is a comforting perspective, and one that makes me feel less foolish.

Logg1e you are right. I still love him and it is horrid to see people you love hurting. Shame he doesn't feel the same about hurting me!

OP posts:

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

buildalegohouse · 22/02/2014 21:14

cunts walk among us......

I should have this printed on a t-shirt and wear it every day.

OP posts:

IHateWinter · 22/02/2014 21:19

He needs to leave and go to his marriage wrecking bit on the side. How dare he do this and then keep himself hanging around.

You are in shock.

I think I would be inclined to contact my friend again and go stay with her for a few nights. You need to be able to breakdown without Mr can't keep his pants on in your face.

Its good you have a job. Routine is what you need, plus you won't have the grim prospect of going to the job centre.

Your parents may initially be shocked and say some unhelpful, even hurtful things, but they will be with you in the end. Don't write off your other friends as sources of help. In a crisis I often find its those you don't expect who are there for you the most.

HUGS I am thinking of you tonight. Things absolutely will get better. I swear.

IHateWinter · 22/02/2014 21:21

*cunts walk among us......

I should have this printed on a t-shirt and wear it every day.*

I'd buy one.

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 21:31

OP I was married 9 months, NINE! & had a 14 month old & a 2 month old when my darrrrling exhusbands affair came to light.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT-its his for being a toerag.

Stay strong because you do not need to be in a relationship 'for the kids'. He has had his little bubble burst. You CAN do this, its amazing how family & friends rally around. This is the worst part-knowing that life as you knew it/planned it isnt going to be that way, but past the shock, anger, hate, resent, there is a big beaming light of a babies smile & giggle.
Stay strong & there are plenty of MNers here for support, kind words, an ear to burn &

Twinkleandbunty · 22/02/2014 23:24

Pregnancy hormones do strange things to us OP!
I let my twat of an ex live with me for 6 months (obvs I didn't know about OW at this point - it all came out when DS was 5 weeks old - nice)
I felt like such a fool, but he hadn't been honest with me to allow me to make a clear decision (I was deluded enough to think it was just shock and we'd get back together...)

Anyway. My point is that you have information. You know for sure that he's a cheating arse wipe.
Get him to move OUT. If they stay in the house it's a mind fuck. You need space to think.

Twinkleandbunty · 22/02/2014 23:25

I want a t-shirt too

Newjobthankgod · 23/02/2014 01:30

You sound like an awesome strong woman. He signs like a total douche.

How long has his affair been happening? If you are only 5 weeks pregnant I guess there is no way for him to hide the fact from OW that he was still sleeping with you as well....he has probably been telling her the opposite. Sucks to be his dumb ass.

Newjobthankgod · 23/02/2014 01:33

I would contact OW immediately and tell her that you are 5 weeks pregnant by him. Burst her bubble. Clearly he was having his cake and eating it too and now he is busted hence the sobs. OW probably has no idea he was still sleeping with you. Don't feel sorry for his crocodile tears. He cries because he can't go back and forth between two women and hide it anymore.

EllaFitzgerald · 23/02/2014 12:50

What an utter arse he is. You have absolutely nothing to feel stupid about because you chose to trust that your long term partner wasn't going to behave like that. He is going to have his friends and family looking at him and judging him for what he's done. Nobody will be judging you.

And the poster above was quite right when she said that people have affairs for a reason. The reason is that they are lying, cheating arseholes. Don't listen to anyone who tries to suggest otherwise. You can't be responsible for someone else's decision to cheat in a relationship.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/02/2014 16:58

Why is he still in your house forcing you to watch his pathetic and contemptible sobbing and carrying on?

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

You can ring and tell him when the baby is born.

In the meantime there is no reason for you to have anything to do with him at all.

IHateWinter · 23/02/2014 17:51

Be wary buildalegohouse about what his crying means. As another poster said, once his OW discovers that you are pregnant the make believe love nest that they have built together may soon quickly collapse. I'm betting he only told you about the affair because he wants to signal to the other woman that getting you pregnant was a mistake, and stop her ending it. She may even have given him an ultimatum. He's crying because he is being forced to leave you earlier rather than in his own comfortable time.

Once he is confronted with the sober reality of his choices and sees you moving on getting ahead, he is likely to have a sudden change of heart. Either now or several months down the line. No matter how adamant he is now that he wants things to end.

Don't let your natural emotions for him cause you to forget what he has done and crucially what it says about how he really feels about you.

You really are better off without him. No one should treat someone they've known for 12 years like this.

There is a better man out there for you and your baby (if you decide to keep it) I have been where you are and there is a beautiful rainbow at the end plus you become stronger than you thought possible.

Did you manage to contact your friend again?

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