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Original poster

How did trying again work out?

45 replies

Minx82 · 21/02/2014 21:26

My partner cheated on me in 2012. We separated for 5 months but I was so weak and we got back together. 18 months on it's still hard. Did anyone else take back a cheating partner and how did it pan out? Some days we are so happy and other days it's still painful.

OP posts:
kansasmum · 21/02/2014 21:33

I took my Dh back. We had months of counselling and it took a long time before I trusted him. But we renewed our vows in 2005 and had Ds in 2007 and are really happy now.
It was very hard and I nearly gave up several times. My Dh worked really hard to regain my trust and was open and honest with phone / work schedule/email etc etc for months after we got back together.
I'd be lying if I said it was easy. I questioned my decision many times but our marriage now is really good- better than before his affair, it really is. Counselling taught us how to really communicate with each other which was a massive help in our case.

divorcedtobe · 21/02/2014 21:39

No no no no. Do not put yourself through that shitfest of shitty doom. Been there done that. He will do it again. Has he shown genuine remorse? Is he different? What does he DO that makes your instinct feel satisfied that he is sorry and changed? Trust your gut. If it feels sad. Then you are flogging a dead donkey. Sorry but I have been in your place and the inevitable has happened. And thank goodness. Don't settle for less. I'm alone now and bloody hell, it's a beautiful peaceful contented place. Trust is precious. He has pissed al over your trust. You must trust yourself and what your gut it telling you.

Good luck if you stick it out, but don't be afraid of a life without him. It's often a happier existence than second guessing your life away.

ButICantaloupe · 21/02/2014 21:40

It was hard, really hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be. It took me over 2 years to forgive him. It took 2 years to not think about it every single day. For the first year it consumed my thoughts, there wasn't a waking hour that went by that I didn't think about it.

Now, 3 years since I found out (nearly to the day) I can say I'm glad I stayed with him. Glad I married him. In a strange way, I'm glad it happened because I feel we are so much stronger now.

It takes a long time, but only you (and he) will know if your relationship is worth the heartache.

Original poster
Minx82 · 21/02/2014 21:40

We started at relate counselling just before Christmas. He's open with his emails, FB, phone etc. I was so broken when it happened, I don't think I could cope if I had to go through that again. I have no family. I'm very much on my own. I love him despite what he put me and our daughter through, but I very much hold back for fear of being hurt again and sometimes worry being hurt again is inevitable.

OP posts:
ButICantaloupe · 21/02/2014 21:42

sometimes worry being hurt again is inevitable.

That's worrying. I don't feel that way. Why do you worry that it is "inevitable"?

Original poster
Minx82 · 21/02/2014 21:52

Because of other people stories Ifeel it's inevitable and sayings like. Once a cheater always a cheater, and hearing, if u took him bk he knows he can do it again. It messes with head. He says it was the worst mistake he made and I think we are both very honest it counselling. It's good to hear for some people they have moved on.

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 21/02/2014 22:02

I took my DH back, and it has worked out fine. I'm 2 years on, and you know what, I think I can finally say it means nothing to me now. His affair caused many things to change, mainly our communication and behaviour towards each other. I have a better, stronger, happier marriage now than I ever had before.

All this is down to DH demonstrating through his actions that he is sorry, it is in the past, he would do anything for dd and me, and he very much wants his future to be with us. If he wasn't showing me this I probably wouldn't be here.

All you have to go on is how he behaves now. What other people say is irrelevant, they aren't living your life.

It is hard though, and it has taken me these past two years to get where I am now.

mineofuselessinformation · 21/02/2014 22:09

I think it really depends on how the cheating partner behaves - if they show genuine remorse, are completely open and make it obvious they've made a huge mistake, maybe it can work out.
My xh came back at my request, would never explain why he did what he did, and just carried on as if nothing happened. We're now divorced.

ButICantaloupe · 21/02/2014 22:16

Don't let others cloud your thoughts.

I only told a handful of friends about DH cheating on me as, frankly, I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.

Do you think he has it in him to do it again?

I can see the change in DH and I can feel the change in our relationship.

DrJeanGrey · 21/02/2014 23:08

I am currently being asked to take DH back after he left me. it wasn't an affair but he just didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. I know it's not the same thing, but I have never felt so confused. There's so much anger, so much hurt, so much loss of trust but at the same time I do love him. I sympathise with you OP. Some decisions are not easy to make. I am not sure how you stop yourself from letting others cloud your thoughts. Sometimes when you are very confused and conflicted it feels like the thoughts of others are the only ones you have, doesn't it?

superstarheartbreaker · 21/02/2014 23:16

It's up to you but I could not get past this tbh. I have dumped many guys for far less than this but I guess if it is marriage your talking about then you have made a huge investment and if he shows remorse then there may be hope.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2014 05:27

Worked out very badly for me. He was apologetic and appeared to be doing all the right things but, after the initial shock wore off and I had chance to properly think, all I felt for him was contempt and irritation. I wanted to love and forgive, I didn't relish the idea of being single again but, every time I looked at him, I hated him for the way he had hurt me. I didn't trust him but I just didn't care any more.

JingleMyBells · 22/02/2014 09:44

I'm not putting a downer on anyone who says their husband is open with phones, emails etc but how do you know they haven't got a separate phone/email account? I have been cheated on so know the pain and would never forgive.

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 10:22

DrJean

When I say don't let others cloud your thoughts, I mean a number of things;

  1. Don't let the experience of others dictate how you feel about your relationship.
  2. Dont listen to the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' it's not always true.
  3. Trust your own judgement. Does it feel right to you? Do you trust him? Can you see yourself having no doubts in the future?

I know it's hard, I've been exactly where the OP is. What got me through was the above.

DrJeanGrey · 22/02/2014 10:28

BIC, thanks that's very good advice. I have to say I think your choice was very brave. I sometimes think in the OPs situation it's easy to be motivated by fear / anger and it might not always be the best choice to walk away. I would like to think that sometimes adversity of this nature can result in a stronger relationship. It definitely takes courage to try.

RandomMess · 22/02/2014 10:30

My dh really really hurt me, completely shut himself off emotionally. He is too frightened to change.

I was completely & utterly broken and it has taken be a long time to forgive and be ready to trust him again. Turns out he's not ready to try again so I'm intending to leave Sad

Each situation is different.

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 10:34

Dr.Jean how can you know there wad no one else? Men usually only do what yours did when there is in fact someone else.

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 10:36

Thank you DrJean Smile

It was very hard, as I said in my PP it was much harder than I thought it would be. It took longer to get over it than I thought it would. At times, I felt like I wanted to give up, but I had seen a complete change in him, in our relationship and in the way we were with each other. I felt that was worth persevering for and now, I can honestly say it was.

The OP is the only one who can judge whether its the right thing to do to walk away or try again. That makes the decision even harder, IMO.

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 10:38

Each situation is different.

Completely agree.

ageofgrandillusion · 22/02/2014 10:52

Agree totally that each situation is different.
All i would say is that i find it amazing that people who have had the dirty done on them can ever 100 per cent trust that same person again. It's okay saying that the DH is being open and honest in counselling and all that stuff but we all have a side of us we keep to ourselves. Personally, i would say cheating in a marriage - especially with young kids - is a dealbreaker. It completely makes a mockery of the marriage - it turns it into a farce. And counselling has become the cheating fucker's 'get out of jail free card' of the modern age.
But that's just my opinion.

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 11:17

Has it happened to you age?

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 11:21

I think having children and being married would make the betrayal much, much harder to forgive.

When my (now) DH, cheated on me we had only been together for a few months. I think that is a major factor in my situation.

I do trust him now. Mainly because it was very early on, I understand why it happened and he has changed his behaviour completely.

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 11:23

*I think it was a major

ageofgrandillusion · 22/02/2014 11:32

Millyblods - no.

worsestershiresauce · 22/02/2014 13:38

Jingle I think if anyone feels the need to check emails/phone etc then they shouldn't be with that partner. I don't check anything DH is doing. If I had even a niggling doubt I wouldn't stay. I go by his behaviour each and every day. When someone is running a double life there are signs, and if you have experienced it once you are very attuned to them. The stakes are high, and he knows that. I trust him as much as I trust anyone. Anyone can break trust, not just someone who as done it before.