How did trying again work out?

[Minx82]

My partner cheated on me in 2012. We separated for 5 months but I was so weak and we got back together. 18 months on it's still hard. Did anyone else take back a cheating partner and how did it pan out? Some days we are so happy and other days it's still painful.

Hum... This is more negative than positive.

What everyone's saying is that, whichever route you take, leaving or staying, both are incredibly difficult emotionally. Make sure your decision is made for the right reasons, from a position of strength & with 100% commitment from your partner. Anything less and the knowledge that you've sold yourself short will only add to the misery.

minx I think the summary from those of us that have experienced it is that a) you just KNOW if they are really remorseful. I was just kidding myself b) It is very possible to have more than happy one phone. Mine did. c) only you know whether you can truly forgive. Some can, some can't

Whatever you decide, you need to ask yourself whether it makes you happier than the other option.

have one phone !!!!

Minx it is quite natural how you are feeling. Each year that goes by it gets easier but the first couple of years can be tough. Some weeks can be fine and others you overthink everything all over again. As long as he is open and tells that he is in love with you and is doing all he can to show you then if you want to make it work you just have to accept that there will be good and bad days. This new relationship you are now in is not the same as the old one, never will be. This is a different relationship and everything has changed so maybe you could try and treat it like that.

Good grief Milly, that sounds utterly bloody depressing.

I think what Cogito says resonates here because in your situation both choices are difficult and painful. There's no escaping that part.

I can tell you I had a beloved great Aunt who was married for 50 odd years to my great uncle. They had a beautiful marriage - one that always inspired me - and it was always to this aunt that I turned for relationship advice. She was a wise old bird.

She died recently, and I found out that her husband had an affair when they were much younger in their 40s. She forgave it, they rebuilt the marriage and enjoyed a happy life where they absolutely adored each other. He never cheated again.

Since she died about a year ago, my great uncle has been a lost man, he no longer wants to live, we are all very worried about him. To him - she was the world.

All I am saying with this post is that sometimes things are not always black and white. It depends very much on the person, the reasons, the circumstances and how you feel about it all.

Why depressing Cognito?

I'm saying that it takes time but you can get through it and have the most amazing new relationship with the same man and go on to love each other even more.

Would you really expect it all to just get better instantly. Some things are worth working at.

In my case it was a waste of time - just prolonging the inevitable.

Sorry to be negative, but it just wasn't worth it for me

MillyBlods, I love that: "I'm saying that it takes time but you can get through it and have the most amazing new relationship with the same man and go on to love each other even more." "Would you really expect it all to just get better instantly. Some things are worth working at."

I know it doesn't apply to all situations. It depends whether the relationship is worth saving.

Cogito you wrote in a thread a while back that you first decided to try again with your exH, but then you discovered him contacting OW when you were on a reconciliation holiday. That probably has a lot to do with your reservations here.

If OP's partner is committed, supportive and sorry then the situation is far more positive than you are suggesting.

I'm in a situation where we are as a couple happier and stronger than previously. I'm not kidding myself. It isn't hard work. That can happen. Only the OP can know her own personal situation.

Mine was 'committed and supportive' right until I overheard the phone-call. That's the trouble with this. You've only the other person's word for any of it and, if the other person has already shown themselves to be untrustworthy, it's a Catch 22.

BTW... @Milly, it was the expression 'the first couple of years can be tough' that I found depressing.

ButICantaloupe yes I think it is very different if you were only together a few months.

Thank you everyone for the different views. Both paths are hard.

Minx what is it that makes some of the times so bad?
Do you continue to bring up the affair and still want to go over the details?
Do you punish him for what he did still?

They had the ability to do it once who says it can't happen again. The best cheaters are the ones who know how to cover everything up when still cheating on you

Milly,no I don't bring it up or go over it. I just find it hard to cope with how much he hurt us and how much I didn't recognise him as a person during that bad time.

Cogito no you don't only have their word for it. Their word is the last possible thing anyone should rely on as words are just that. Words. You have their actions. Now in your case exH was saying he was committed and supportive, but acting otherwise. You were absolutely right to move on with your life without him.

I am in a position where everything my DH does reassures me that I made the right decision. If that ever changes, well so will my decision. Simple really. Feet firmly on the ground here.

OP does your DH act in a way that makes you feel happy, and loved? Do you feel comfortable? Are there any niggling little things that don't add up? I think you probably know deep down whether things will work out.