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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need handholding please

79 replies

Palepowder · 20/02/2014 05:54

I know my husband is having an affair (too much evidence to mention here but texts and email history). He doesn't deny it. Typically they are colleagues, I know who she is. He wants us to split, says there is no future.

I am absolutely ripped apart.

We have four young children and we don't live in the UK. He travels a lot with work so has ample time for whatever he likes.

The writing is on the wall, the marriage hasn't been going well for months. The affair started last year. Some horrid things have been said by us both. Before I found out about OW I genuinely thought we could work it out (I still do) but he won't consider it. I think he has agreed to counselling but he dragging his feet over committing to it and says he doesn't think it will change anything.

I just feel so alone and desperate. I can't leave and get some headspace because of the kids, he won't leave the house until he gets legal advice and he's dragging his feet over that too. It's complicated because we aren't UK resident.
We are away as a family this week on holiday but this is killing me. I can't eat or sleep and I can't escape at any point. My parents are coming to stay next week (they know what's going on) but I don't even think I get through that far.

How on earth am I ever going to get over this and move on? I am struggling just to function and it's tearing me apart.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 20/02/2014 06:04

You poor thing, this sounds unbearable.

But it is bearable. One day at a time and just aim to get to your parents' arrival.

You need to get your own legal advice. And I'd stop making life in your home comfortable for him. No laundry, no shared bed, no cooking for him.

Original poster
Palepowder · 20/02/2014 06:56

Thank you. I feel so helpless. I'm not even in the country in which I live, let alone back in the UK. I just found out the solicitor I was recommended and had previously spoken to is on holiday until next week. Feel so alone.
He holds all the cards.
I've been awake for hours.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 20/02/2014 07:05

Please don't feel alone, lots of us here will keep you company.

whydidthishappen · 20/02/2014 07:05

He does not hold all the cards. He is the cheater. You are the primary care-giver to the children.
Get legal advise and start to see exactly the cards you hold. Exactly.

You poor woman. Flowers

paxtecum · 20/02/2014 07:15

Pale: Although it feels terrible now, the timing of your DPs coming over could work well for you.

Could you take one of of parents with you to see the solicitor next week.

Can you arrange an appointment with the solicitor now for next week and take one of parents with you?

Best wishes to you.

Original poster
Palepowder · 20/02/2014 07:44

Thank you all. Thinking about him with her is all consuming at the moment. His text meant for her, arranging a 'work' trip to London, was sent to me. It's almost as if he does it on purpose, leaving evidence everywhere. He is staggeringly heartless. How could he do this to us?

I will try to call someone in my home city to arrange advice in the country I'm living in.
My sister also recommended me a solicitor in the UK, I have already contacted her but she's on holiday this week :(

Keep talking to me please. So alone.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 20/02/2014 08:00

How old are your children Pale, and what are the schooling arrangements? I'm wondering if you have any time today when you can sit down with a cup of tea and take a few minutes.

DrJeanGrey · 20/02/2014 08:03

Pale, can I ask why you can't leave? I know it sometimes feels that way, but usually you can work something out and if he has left you fr another woman I do feel that getting home to family would be best for you.

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 08:06

What a horrible man. But if he won't give up this woman you're going to have to make a new

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 08:14

Sorry- new plan.

Is he there when your parents are there?
Get dc passports, and look at flying back with your parents.

Get copies of all his bank stuff, all assets and a copy of his passport.

Look on reunite website for advice.

Look at the price of rental properties for you at home near your parents. Work out how much you need to set up home and pay rent, buy a car etc. Pick somewhere nice with space you need.

Tell him the cost and say if its in your bank account by next week you'll leave.

Make sure he is on your tenancy agreement so he has to pay the rent. This will help with getting ongoing maintenance .

Don't worry about schools and stuff- do that on arrival and let your parents help you.

Post on legal for advice too, plus there is a post on overseas from a legal bod about this very topic.

If your country is more sympathetic to wives and sahm then file for divorce ASAP so dh can't get in first.

Atbeckandcall · 20/02/2014 09:14

Hi Pale,

What a rotten situation for you and your children. I hope with some words of comfort from us lot it can help.
Firstly, if divorce is on the cards, have a look at an expat divorce. Have a look online, there solicitors that specialise in this area that will be most helpful.
Also, keep all the evidence you have that your husband has commuted adultery and for the time being don't remove your children from the country of residence, unless, you have your husband's written consent.
Hope this helps at all.

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 09:20

You can leave with the children if you have his c

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 09:22

You can leave with the children if you have his consent, even if it's a holiday and you just don't return, filing for divorce and citing unreasonable behaviour.

Get a pad and write it all down, copies of everything etc. he's treating you and the dc very badly. Now is the time to get angry and stay clear headed.

Where do you want to live?

Quitelikely · 20/02/2014 09:25

I would leave the children with him for a few days. After all they're his kids. You should go to your parents to clear your head. See how he likes being in your shoes.

Only time will heal the pain. You can do this. Please see the gp. Meds can help in the short term for things like this.

BeginnersGuide · 20/02/2014 09:33

Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like he wanted you to find out so that he didn't have to tell you himself.
See if you can get him to counselling even if it is so you can work through and understand the break up so that you can get to the best possible place you can be. After all you are going to be parents to your dcs forever so anything you can both do to at least make it bearable is worth a shot. Assuming he will participate. If not might be worth going by yourself so you have someone to talk to.

You are being so strong. I don't think I could stay if I was in your situation. Try and get some time by yourself when your parents come to stay.

Logg1e · 20/02/2014 10:09

I wouldn't spend one minute in counselling with him.

Original poster
Palepowder · 20/02/2014 10:50

Hello, thanks for all your replies. I am speaking to a UK solicitor later today and have made contact with one in the country where we live.
I'm not sure just leaving with the kids is an option as initial advice I've had(from a solicitor) was that I should be seen to be putting the kids first i.e. keep them in school here until the end of the school year. School fees paid by the employer until end of academic year. Schools in the UK are problematical as I know that they are all over-subscribed in the area where we have our house and I could end up (at least initially) with kids in different schools - not unheard of. I spoke to the LEA about school places a few weeks ago. I really don't want to unsettle them anymore than I have to right now.
We have tenants in our UK house until April but I could try and rent another place if that's what it takes.

It's all such an awful awful mess. My mind is spinning. He admits he hasn't thought about the practicalities. Not sure he cares. It's always been my job to worry about them! Just scared he could trap me here (it is Europe, so thats a positive). I will look into flights home for me to have a break. Very little time to myself at the moment.
At least I've kept copies of all the 'evidence' and I took copies of bank balances here and UK last week.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 20/02/2014 10:54

I think that it helps to think of the worse case scenario (and then realise you can handle it). Do you have the financial capability to fly everyone home, rent until April and buy uniform for the children to go to new schools?

Logg1e · 20/02/2014 10:55

And I think, OP that this, "I will look into flights home for me to have a break. Very little time to myself at the moment." is an essential for the sake of your health.

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 11:03

Give your tenants notice for April and apply to the schools , as it's mid year you do it direct.

I don't know what you mean by having to be seen to put the dc first. You are, by leaving your dh who isn't even bothering to hide his affair and looking to provide them with a stable home.

Who have you that advice? Do you really think you could live like this and your dc put up with it?

If he says it's over you have to accept it and concentrate on the future.

Original poster
Palepowder · 20/02/2014 16:10

Spoke to a UK solicitor today. Was very reassuring. Then had a chat with him pointing out some things he'll need to start thinking about now. I don't think he's thought it through at all.

Going to book flights home at the weekend. He will have to take time off work as a result. He's furious, said I was being unfair. He has a perverse view of fair!Angry

Feeling better, it will no doubt hit me again tonight.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 20/02/2014 16:26

You've just got to ride the emotions. I'm so glad that you're making yourself some space. It'll do you good to realise the kind of decisions you can start making.

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 19:22

That's good you feel better. Keep going.

As for you being unfair! He's a chancer isn't he?

KingR0llo · 20/02/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThoughtsPlease · 20/02/2014 19:32

Are you booking flights for you and the children?

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