Need handholding please

[Palepowder]

I know my husband is having an affair (too much evidence to mention here but texts and email history). He doesn't deny it. Typically they are colleagues, I know who she is. He wants us to split, says there is no future.

I am absolutely ripped apart.

We have four young children and we don't live in the UK. He travels a lot with work so has ample time for whatever he likes.

The writing is on the wall, the marriage hasn't been going well for months. The affair started last year. Some horrid things have been said by us both. Before I found out about OW I genuinely thought we could work it out (I still do) but he won't consider it. I think he has agreed to counselling but he dragging his feet over committing to it and says he doesn't think it will change anything.

I just feel so alone and desperate. I can't leave and get some headspace because of the kids, he won't leave the house until he gets legal advice and he's dragging his feet over that too. It's complicated because we aren't UK resident.
We are away as a family this week on holiday but this is killing me. I can't eat or sleep and I can't escape at any point. My parents are coming to stay next week (they know what's going on) but I don't even think I get through that far.

How on earth am I ever going to get over this and move on? I am struggling just to function and it's tearing me apart.

[Palepowder]

I'm not in Germany, but will PM you King.
I have just booked flights for me to go back and see my family in the UK. Husband will have the kids for a few days.
I'm not just unfair, apparently I forced him to do all this!
Going to be a long night.

[Atbeckandcall]

Well done you, chin up

[Logg1e]

If he starts, I'd smile sweetly and walk away. One thing about the relationship ending is you don't have to listen to him any more.

[tribpot]

Christ. You think the least the fucker could do is welcome a chance to spend some time with the children he will inevitably see less of in the future.

I would expect him to sabotage your attempt to go home in some way, as (a) he obviously has no interest in caring for his children and (b) he is hellbent on breaking your spirit. He won't want you spending time with people who are going to make you feel better, and stronger.

Please stop thinking you could work things out with this person. He's treated you with complete disrespect - so hold your own head up and remember you are worth more than that.

[Lavenderhoney]

Will you be sorting out housing and schools at home?

And are your parents still coming to stay? And will you go back with them with the dc?

I don't know where you are, but if its the ME be extremely careful about leaving your dc behind and going.

Have you told a solicitor you are flying without the dc? You need time to think but don't sabotage yourself for the future. If he can't manage the kids on his own, then get him to email you saying so. All helpful one day, perhaps.

[Palepowder]

Lavenderhoney- no, not in The ME.

Been up and all night. Kids saw me crying last night- it's so hard.

[Logg1e]

It is hard, but it will get easier. When's your flight home, and is the plan to return with your parents next week?

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

This is the point when you need to really get angry and tough. He will start blowing hot air and trying to destabilise you, keep posting here and stick with good legal advice. Did he really think he could keep going balls deep in OW but you would keep washing his clothes and feeding him! Find your inner tigress Pale. Get away from this turd of a man. Once you and the DCs are gone and his cosy set up has evaporated, he will find her less appealing I am sure.

[WeAreDetective]

Just dropping in to give you a hug. You have had good advice.

Hope today is better x

[Palepowder]

We had a good chat this morning - we've agreed to counselling, for some closure at least. He's not giving much away. I'm finding him/the whole thing quite unbearable.

[Logg1e]

What do you want to get out of the counselling? Remember, he is no longer your friend.

[scornedwoman67]

Of course he says you're not being fair - it isn't quite playing out how he thought it would, is it?

Well done you. Carry on making the decisions about what you want now for you & the DC's. Let him 'stew in his own juice' as it were.

[Lavenderhoney]

So has he said he will not see this woman again? Are you still travelling?
And he should be the one running round finding a counsellor etc. not you, he's not so busy at work is he? Plenty of time to shag someone else, eh? Don't let him soft soap you.

Personally I think he may be using counselling to slow you down whilst he makes his plans. I hope not.

[WeAreDetective]

Remember, this is now a stranger in your DH's body. I found that really hard to deal with at first, but it helps in realising that he is absolutely not going to behave in a way you recognise and he will not be putting your interests anywhere close to first on his list.

[Palepowder]

So I just asked him to leave as soon as I return from the UK onTuesday. I made it clear that I'm not trying to be awkward or vindictive but it's in the interests of our ongoing relationship and therefore (and most of all) for the benefit of our 4 children. Am keeping my dignity. Trying not to show my anger.

[Logg1e]

Have you asked him this since your post earlier today?

[Palepowder]

Yes, asked him since my earlier post. I can't see how we can live under the same roof and still stay civil. Especially since I have a lot of unanswered questions that I can't stop asking (and not getting an answer to) so it's best if we put distance between us. I don't know if he has somewhere to go but he ( finally) did see it as a sensible idea.

It is isn't it?

Not sure counselling will help but surely if we are both willing to turn up to the appointment it's worth a try? - it's one step further forward than we were last week.

[Logg1e]

Agreed, attempting to share the same roof sounds like torture.

[WeAreDetective]

Definitely a good move

( the tea tray made me laugh!)

[Logg1e]

(It didn't make me laugh, I'm afraid).

[Palepowder]

Been awake hours. I still want him back. We are together for a day with the kids, it hurts to see them happy and know that this might be the last time we are a family. It hurts so much.
I hope he would spend this time when he moves out thinking with his head and his heart, not his dick. Last night we talked about what to do with the kids schools. He said he liked talking because it was something he could think clearly about. He's thinking with his dick and it's clouding his brain.
I wish I could go back in time.

[Logg1e]

This might sound mean, but the last time you were together as a family for the day was a long time ago. And you don't even know when it was, when was the last day before he decided to betray the family? That would make me feel so angry.