Need handholding please

[Palepowder]

I know my husband is having an affair (too much evidence to mention here but texts and email history). He doesn't deny it. Typically they are colleagues, I know who she is. He wants us to split, says there is no future.

I am absolutely ripped apart.

We have four young children and we don't live in the UK. He travels a lot with work so has ample time for whatever he likes.

The writing is on the wall, the marriage hasn't been going well for months. The affair started last year. Some horrid things have been said by us both. Before I found out about OW I genuinely thought we could work it out (I still do) but he won't consider it. I think he has agreed to counselling but he dragging his feet over committing to it and says he doesn't think it will change anything.

I just feel so alone and desperate. I can't leave and get some headspace because of the kids, he won't leave the house until he gets legal advice and he's dragging his feet over that too. It's complicated because we aren't UK resident.
We are away as a family this week on holiday but this is killing me. I can't eat or sleep and I can't escape at any point. My parents are coming to stay next week (they know what's going on) but I don't even think I get through that far.

How on earth am I ever going to get over this and move on? I am struggling just to function and it's tearing me apart.

[Palepowder]

Thanks for your continued support. It means so much for me. I got some anxiety Meds and stronger sleeping pills so I feel a little bit more together. We have not told the kids yet - my husband has not discussed it with me yet and him being away for a 10 day period is not unusual as he travels a lot for work. It will be easier for me and the kids to leave in the summer as there is always a huge number of families who leave the school at the same time ( international school). It will feel more normal and less traumatic.

I am formulating plans to return to the UK for good but that won't be until the academic year ends here. I have even begun to change my ideas about where I want to go back to. I have however booked a 10 day holiday back to England at Easter with the kids to have a bit of fun there with mum and my sisters family. They will enjoy that and it will help ease them back into feeling happy about moving back.
Roller coaster of emotions going on. Seeing the doctor again this afternoon to get antidepressants.
I'm seeing my husband tomorrow ( if he turns up) for couples counselling but strongly suspect it will be him just telling me the decision he's made and not giving any reasons. As far as I know he has only spoken OW about this - and I bet she's saying everything he wants to hear

[louby44]

Have been following your posts and am thinking of you. Stay strong.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

You are doing well Pale. Try and stay positive. One day he will wake up and realise what he has lost as she must be no prize knowing he is married with DCs. You will go through ups and downs, it's normal. You sound like a lovely Mum. Good luck with all your plans.

[Lavenderhoney]

Pale, have you told your dc you and them are going back?

I think its very good your dd goes to you for comfort. Take pride in that and make it work for the dc. You'll find it will work for you too in the end. Fake it til you make it sounds trite but its not.

Get money sorted now, get transfers now going to the UK into your bank account ( not a joint one) and get some money together. Look into a fixed rate for the gbp over a time period and get him organised with regular hefty payments. This will help if and when you file for divorce.

And please call your parents. If waiting til summer seems too much, leave at Easter. The dc can make new friends at school and have summer play dates.

[debbs77]

My ex husband cheated on me after ten years together and four children. The oldest was five and youngest was ten months. He broke my heart.

Fast forward four years and I rarely think about him and have two children with my fiancé. Big hugs xx

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

Pale. You can go on and you will go on. This is the worst of times. You need to get some perspective to help your children. Their dad is an utter are who has ambushed you and changed your life. You can still get on with life. Your world has changed irrevocably but it will get better. One foot in front of the other, that is all that is needed. Maybe write your moving home to do list. You don't have to action anything just yet but you do need to feel more in control of your own destiny.

[Palepowder]

Desperate. Utterly utterly hurt and confused. How has this happened, why is he throwing us away like this? How can I go on? I really don't think I can.

[Palepowder]

Have woken up to find my eldest daughter asleep beside me. It's lovely to have her so close but feel so sad that she must be feeling insecure enough to come in to me . She's normally such a fiercely determined and independent 11 year old.

So worried about the future

[Lavenderhoney]

Its not a competition and is disgusting you've put in a situation by your dh that you think it is.

He, I'm afraid, isn't good enough for you. Wrap your cloak of dignity round yourself, and reassure yourself he chose to behave like this, not discuss with you and generally piss about behind your back whilst keeping it a secret until you found out or he couldn't be arsed to cover his tracks.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation and him moving out.

[Palepowder]

Hi, had a good day today. Was thinking positively; how he doesn't hold all the cards and at least I've got the kids. But ultimately he is making the decision to choose her over us.
Have come crashing down tonight

[Logg1e]

Nothing useful to say Pale apart from I'm here, still reading and hope you'll keep writing.

[Lavenderhoney]

Let the dc think that. Its important to present a united front but my dh didn't involve himself at all in supporting the dc or being there when I told them. Nice.

I said it was a family decision to move back to the UK, and me and daddy had decided it was best. This was what was going to happen.. So you present it as a joint decision. When you are settled - they have massive changes ahead but are already used to/ getting used to him bit being around, you can say you have decided with daddy that although you love them v much etc etc you have decided to never live together again but they will see daddy during his hols and Skype etc.

When you get back you will be a lot happier. So will your dc. The almost immediate behaviour changes shocked me. And I didn't even realise the stress they had been under.

[Palepowder]

The kids know nothing ( other than what they may have sensed unavoidably). They think he is travelling with work, which is normal to them. I am waiting for him to contact me.

As for what he's planning to tell them, I just don't know. What should I say to the kids at that point in time?

I suspect he's going away this weekend with her.

I don't have dates for moving yet and won't do anything until after Easter. I believe his assignment contract allows for all repatriation costs of the family - I can't see him reneging on that.

[Lavenderhoney]

What have you told the children? Did he tell them and how is he planning to see them going forward?

Keep making your lists and plan as if you want to bring it forward you can.

I hope your dd is ok and arrange to be very occupied at the weekend with the dc, just keep as busy as you can tbh. When they are on bed do your thinking and calls to rl support. They will want to talk to you, even if they are very young, will you tell them about the move back now or June?

I had to tell mine, because of shipping all their stuff- I made it an adventure:(

Look after you as well, baths, crap tv, anything that works for you.

[Palepowder]

He's gone. I have a morning full of occupational therapy appointments for my son and physiotherapy for one of my daughters . She had a worrying doctors appointment at the children's hospital on Monday which has added to the stress.

Trying to keeping busy.
Will go home later and have a good clear out.
Keep talking to me :( Very lonely.

[Logg1e]

I know this is such a difficult time, but I'm so glad for you that you have financial freedom and support from parents.

I too think that things will be easier once he's moved out and you have a home without him.

[Lavenderhoney]

Pale, your dh not being there will help. And you have a plan. That's great news, now you can plan all the little things round it, like shipping, selling things off etc. getting all finance info. Screen shots, copies of emails if you can.

Glad your parents are being supportive. You can always apply to the schools as you have an address in the UK, have a look on the website for your county and fill in the forms ready.

Try to build up a cash fund all the time.

And take each day slowly, you've doing really well.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Hi Pale

Really sorry you're in this situation.

RE counselling - often it can be about facilitating an ending (closure, like you say). Whether you include him in that is of course up to you.

Love to you and your wee ones.

[Palepowder]

I have decided to stay in Europe until the kids school finishes in mid June. Then I can get them home and start applying for schools before the UK schools finish in July. I have far more friends in Europe who will help support me.
Plus it means my husband wont be able to move into the house I vacate, something he is as yet unaware of.
My parents have been amazing and we have an action plan whereby they will come over and help, amongst other things.
I think staying put will give the kids more stability at an already difficult time. They all love their school and have lots of friends. I have more of a support network there at the school than I will have back in England. And I think this will make me better able to be a strong mum. This definitely feels like the right decision at the moment.

Just got to get my head down and plough on...

[Palepowder]

Hello,
Heading home after a few days away this afternoon. Still confused. But I have an action plan for me and the children. Not one I relish but got to get on with it.

When will this pain go away? I have got some sleeping tablets which help me get to sleep but then I'm wide awake at 5am. And it's so lonely. Have missed my kids terribly these past few days. Cant wait to see them. But I don't know when and what to say to them. Husband and I have agreed that he will go away for some days to think. I have to let him go but suspect he wont be back.

My youngest daughters birthday party is on Saturday and he wont be there. My parents are coming over from the UK to help for a few days then I'll be on my own and right now I'm not sure I can cope alone.

[Logg1e]

I hope the break gives you some peace. Thanks for warning us that you might be away for a bit!

[Palepowder]

Thanks everybody.
I'm flying back to the UK for a few days to see my mum and dad early tomorrow. Not sure how much internet access I'll have there so may be away from Mumsnet for a few days. I'll come back when I return, your support is really helping.
xxx

[Lavenderhoney]

You only posted a few days ago, and I suppose you haven't known for long?

Be gentle with yourself. Your heart has time, your head is telling you to move fast to give you space and time to recover and get in a place where you can spend a few days when the dc are back in the UK at school sitting mindlessly with a coffee and think what a great job you have done.

Its very hard, but you must cut away and do what will bring you long term happiness.

[mammadiggingdeep]

No extra advice just wishing you well.

Keep posting here- it's a fantastic support. Just always remember, as hard as it is at the moment, you and dc WILL be ok. Just take a day and a week at a time. Little baby steps.

[Palepowder]

Thank you, I know you are all talking sense. I know what I need to do. I know that she is there for him and I know that they have a 'work meeting' planned in London ( and then onwards for a dirty weekend probably).

In my head I know what I should be doing but my heart just hasn't caught up yet