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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need hand holding had a terrible shock

70 replies

YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:06

Can barely type for shaking.
Husband and I have joint mobile phone package , I've had horrible angsty feeling something has been going on but nothing solid , husband and I get on amazingly and supposedly love each other we have kids and are normally a real team.
I looked on itemised bills and saw a number he had been texting a lot, got a horrible feeling and phoned it . A woman answered , he admitted he met her about December and they have been texting since then. That is all he says and she confirms only texts Hmm

He cheated on me 4 years ago with a girl he had been texting, I found out and we managed to reconcile and we seemed stronger than ever and have since had 2 little girls.
I'm just broken :-(

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 09:10

How horrible for you.

You have him a chance in the past.
If you give him another....then this will become your life.

AllThatGlistens · 19/02/2014 09:11

Oh OP I'm so very sorry that you've had such an awful shock Sad

Have you got anyone in RL to support you as well? I hope you have some breathing space away from him at the moment to try and process your thoughts.

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:14

He's taken the kids to school I have the baby, can barely function I'm shaking so much

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 09:16

Did he confess when you confronted him or did you text her?

You need some space from him. Is he out today?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:16

Exactly only1scoop I really thought we had matured and changed, it seems me and the kids aren't enough.
OW was shocked to hear he was married and is disgusted she said it was just texting and they never met as he wouldn't meet her and she suspected he was married because of that.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 09:16

:( but agree, he's had a chance, don't give him another.

Can you go down to CAB and ask for advice about splitting?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 09:16

Sorry you've had such a shock. It must feel like history repeating itself, I'm sure you don't believe the 'text only' story, and you must feel that you've been duped after taking him back last time.

Do you have any friends or family that you could be with? Have you asked him to leave for a while?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:17

He was nightshift I told him he better get home as I needed to talk to him, he denied denied till I asked him if he was thick as I have itemised phonebills , he then said he met her on works night out and took her number.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 09:18

So if they have never actually met....is this originating from an Internet thing?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:18

My mum has breast cancer and very ill I can't worry her, my one true friend is at work but she is texting me.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 09:19

Sorry I see.... they haven't met since....but met originally at a party.

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:19

They met on night out at Christmas and texted thereafter, he and she swear nothing physical, I'm upset he thinks I'm such a fool.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/02/2014 09:21

So he's been chasing another woman - after already having an affair four years back?

Then he lies and lies.

Sorry op. you must be gutted. have you got friends or family you could call?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 09:21

Even if it's not got physical with this one, he's still chasing women despite having been caught out before. It's a case of 'fool me once, shame on me... fool me twice, shame on you' really. I'm sorry about your mum being ill.

Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 09:23

To be honest OP whether anything had actually 'happened' or not....

It's a huge trust issue ....he lies.

Sorry to hear your mum is not well....none of you need this stress I'm sure.

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:24

Life has been so hard recently , we both work full time around each other, my mum is very ill after chemo , no help with kids from anyone , we moved into a new house and been doing it up.
I was going to the doctors on Thursday as I have long standing anxiety/ depression and was starting to feel bad again, now I know why, our radar is rarely wrong .

OP posts:
Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:26

Exactly everyone ' the lies' I really thought that was all over, we are as close as any couple can be , honestly, he's lovely to me ( to my face) is a real hands on dad, we have sex lots , we laugh , we share interests. But all this is never enough obviously, what do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:27

No friends good enough to tell them this, only 1 .

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 19/02/2014 09:29

Look, the bottom line is here - he lies and he cheats.

Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.

You know what he is now - after children, committments, family - he's a cheat.

It is AWFUL and I am so sorry for you - but if you forgive or try and 'work through' this - you will be back here again and again. This will be your life.

Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 09:29

You are right Op....our gut instinct rarely lets us down.

Sounds like you are going through a rough time....when you need support from each other....not this awful behaviour.

If he already denied it....at first....then his cowardly pathetic lies and excuses are not what you need to hear. Can you get some space from him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 09:29

I always think it's best to ask/tell the unfaithful partner to step out and give you some space to think. It's not easy, especially when you're trying to juggle jobs and kids etc, but you can't think clearly when they are in your face and you've got that 'normal but not really normal any more' thing going on. You're already suffering from anxiety and depression.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/02/2014 09:31

Whatever you did last time didn't work :(

What a twat he is, I'm sorry op. does he 'get' what he has done?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 19/02/2014 09:31

'But all this is never enough obviously, what do I do?'

You can't do anything.

It's not about 'having enough'. It's not about 'loving you' - he would probably say that he does, with all his heart, blah blah.

It's about him being a cheat.

You may as well keep a pet lion and try and feed it cucumber. 'But it's never enough! What am I doing wrong? I give as much cucumber as possible, it has a comfortable bed and lots of toys, and yet it still tried to steal meat! What can I do?!'

Nothing.

Monetbyhimself · 19/02/2014 09:32

I am so sorry OP. Will the baby go down for a nap soon to give you a little bit of time to breath? Have something to eat and drink because the shock can just knock you ( I realise that all sounds very trite but I remember those first hours if confirmation so well )

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:33

He's back looking very sad I will update once we have spoken, I'm not sure there's anything he can say, I'm worried there is more to find out.

OP posts: