Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need hand holding had a terrible shock

70 replies

YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 09:06

Can barely type for shaking.
Husband and I have joint mobile phone package , I've had horrible angsty feeling something has been going on but nothing solid , husband and I get on amazingly and supposedly love each other we have kids and are normally a real team.
I looked on itemised bills and saw a number he had been texting a lot, got a horrible feeling and phoned it . A woman answered , he admitted he met her about December and they have been texting since then. That is all he says and she confirms only texts Hmm

He cheated on me 4 years ago with a girl he had been texting, I found out and we managed to reconcile and we seemed stronger than ever and have since had 2 little girls.
I'm just broken :-(

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/02/2014 09:36

You may as well keep a pet lion and try and feed it cucumber. 'But it's never enough! What am I doing wrong? I give as much cucumber as possible, it has a comfortable bed and lots of toys, and yet it still tried to steal meat! What can I do?!'

Nothing

Weirdly, that makes a lot of sense.

This is who he is.

He's a man who takes women's numbers on work nights out.

He's a man who doesn't throw the number away, but uses to form a relationship with that woman.

He's a man who tells barefaced lies when confronted.

He's a man who's done this before (probably more times than you know about.)

He's a man who will do it again.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 19/02/2014 09:37

I don't know what more you need really that will change the essential point of the matter, which is that you now know that he is an unfaithful partner, full stop. There is nothing he can say to change that - only to try and get you to accept it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 09:38

Looking sad at getting caught... Hmm

Cabrinha · 19/02/2014 09:39

Well done for having your radar in good condition and acting on it. What a shit.
I'm sorry :(
Tbh, even if it hadn't yet progressed beyond texts, it's enough - sadly - to show you that his first affair wasn't a one off, this is who he is. But I suspect it for go further. The OW can't be shocked that he's married and at the same time say she thought he was married as he would meet. Those two things don't fit.
I don't condone ever cheating on your partner, but this is not even a case where an intimacy has built up. One just one night out, he's decided it's fine to act single and swap numbers. Arsehole.

I suspect that you'll find your depression a lot easier to manage when you've got through the hardest part of initially separating. Even though you've been happy with him recently, I wouldn't be surprised if there was still a stress from constantly needing to reassure yourself that you are happy, if you see what I mean?
He broke your marriage before - there's always going to be a stress in it, some people stay together successfully, but I don't ever think it can be the same.

Good luck x

feelingvunerable · 19/02/2014 09:50

Good post Bruno.

I once heard this analogy.
Imagine you have a beautiful red dress. The dress is perfect , you adore it, but sadly it doesn't fit you and never will. You know this but keep trying to make the dress fit because you want it so much, it never ever will be a comfortable fit.
There are lots of other beautiful dresses, but because you are fixated on the red one you never get the joy of having one that actually fits and suits you.

You h is a shit and you have done nothing wrong.

What type of a married man asks another woman for her phone number?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 10:34

Well allegedly it was just ordinary text messages nothing sexual, he can't explain why he did it but funnily enough all texts are deleted . Doesn't change the fact he's a liar though.
Not sure what I can do I'm pretty trapped massive mortgage I can't afford on my own, need us both here for kids as it's heavy going with school nursery runs, I'm fucked.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/02/2014 10:36

You're not fucked.

Houses can be sold.

Childcare can be arranged.

Honestly, you are not stuck with this prick.

allegedly it was just ordinary text messages nothing sexual, he can't explain why he did it but funnily enough all texts are deleted .

Hmm

Yeah, I remember when I was single I used to often give my number to men I met on nights out and then we would send each other texts for no reason at all.

Quitelikely · 19/02/2014 10:44

My heart goes out to you it really does. Why don't you take some time out to get your head together. Leave just for one night. Stay with the 1 good friend. It's such a shame that he needs to do this espe I ally after you have given him another chance and you do describe a pretty sound relationship so I guess sometimes you just can't do enough for certain people.

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 10:55

I can't leave I have a baby and a toddler and a school child, my 9 year old was crying as he overheard me and I had to lie and say everything was ok.

OP posts:
LilyBlossom14 · 19/02/2014 10:58

but you can't stay with him either. I think you need to get checked for stis too

PopiusTartius · 19/02/2014 10:59

Then ask him to leave for a few days.
All the practical things CAN be sorted.
Give yourself a few days space to think about what you want the rest of your life to look like.

Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 11:20

Op can you ask him to leave for a while....he can still do school runs etc....I just think with everything going on you need some space.

His behaviour is awful, please don't just let it tick along for the sake of your children. It will have awful effects on your emotional wellbeing. You already sound low with all that's going on. Could you ask him to leave?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 11:35

Yeah will ask again, I just don't feel strong enough to cope with kids on my own. His family are all over an hours drive away and we have 3 school runs a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 11:37

He's shown me messages it's all pretty boring, she wanted to meet him , he made his excuses. It's all broken though, all the hard work we did to try get strong again, we got married we had 2 more kids but here we are again.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/02/2014 11:38

I thought the messages were deleted?

How has it come about that he's showing them to you?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 11:39

He said they were but told him I wanted to know everything and the more he withheld just now that was drip fed to me the worse it gets, just awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 11:41

He says he loves me but something is wrong with him and texting this person gave him a distraction from our lives. Actually feel like in having a heart attack feel like I can physically cope with this.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/02/2014 11:42

Oh right, so he was telling more lies.

I guess it comes easy to him.

He's right about one thing, there is something pretty big wrong with him.

But that's not really for you to worry about.

He probably wants you to pity him for his uncontrollable need to be unfaithful to you and tell you lies.

LilyBlossom14 · 19/02/2014 11:56

I think he will minimise what has gone on, I would think a lot more than text messages has happened. And there is no excuse for pursuing someone else - I don't care what is wrong with him. So sorry.

Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 12:08

The lies again though Op. The text messages are gone ....back again.... I'm sure he probably has selected which ones to delete. All immaterial though really.

He is a liar.

Don't let him play on your vulnerability with his pity card either

I know it would be difficult logistically for a time. Even if he goes for a few days to give you some space....have you got a friend who could help you out?

Original poster
YouseewhathappensLarry · 19/02/2014 12:08

I'm going to throw myself In shower Nd try get some dignity back

OP posts:
FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 19/02/2014 12:10

Ive just been through similar and i am 7 months down the line.
I can say to you that you will manage even though you cant see it now. I work, have young children and Ive managed to keep my house by applying for tax credits and seeking money from my ex.
I saw a lawyer who was helpful. Most lawyers will give u your first appt free.
I would also go and get checked for stis, just to put your mind at rest.
Im sorry you are going through this but its an old cliche...time is a great healer....get the ball rolling now. I actually have a better r/ship with my ex now and he is great with kids. Ive even started dating.
There is life after a cheating lying ex. Hugs.

maras2 · 19/02/2014 12:15

Try to eat too . Toast , soup or just tea and a biscuit. Can't think of appropriate platitudes without sounding condescending but will virtually hand hold . Mx

Jan45 · 19/02/2014 12:29

Ok so now you know you are married to a serial cheater and liar, I'm so sorry this man has hurt you in this way, he sounds an absolute knob of a man.

He has form, he never learned from it. From my experience of my single friends the guys they are texting all the time is for a sexual thrill, nobody is that desperate for a pal that they start texting the opposite sex to talk about the weather. There's also the possibility that something happened between them in Dec, neither he or she will admit to that, regardless of you calling her up.

If in your eyes everything was good with the relationship including family life then his behaviour is even more inexcusable, not that chasing other women ever is.

He has to go and give you head space now, there must be a couch he can doss on, let him take the kids off your hands so you can go spend time with your friends and see what you want to do.

I honestly don't think this guy can change.

scornedwoman67 · 19/02/2014 12:31

I am so sorry. I'm sure you will read lots of other threads on here & will know that there is a 'script' that they invariably follow - they minimise what they have done & then you will gradually get drip-fed info as you find out more and more. I was there myself. If I had been armed with the information I have since gleaned from MN I would have handled my own situation completely differently & asked him to leave at the very beginning. I gave him so much leeway and he walked all over me. It doesn't work and unfortunately you know now that he is prepared to keep lying. You must take as much care of yourself as you can. Ask him to leave for a while so you can get your head straight. You will cope - I thought I couldn't either, but you will and you do. Otherwise you will drive yourself mad - I very nearly did. He messed with my head so much and told so many lies it made me ill. You can't control his behaviour but you don't have to accept it or allow it to continue.

Please keep posting on here - the people on here will help you through.

x