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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is an emotional affair, right?

244 replies

onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 15:39

I suspect my partner of 3 years of having an emotional affair with a work colleague. For the past few months they have been sending each other facebook messages on a daily basis...I questioned him about it a couple of weeks back and he accused me of being insecure and jealous. We argued, he said I was trying to control him and I said that it made me feel insecure, but wanted assurances that they were just friends, he stonewalled me, would not say anything. We had a break for a couple of days then he contacted me saying he was sorry, that I was right he was speaking to her too much on fb, it was every day sometimes for hours at a time, and that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, he promised to cut down contact. Fast forward two weeks, he is still talking to her on fb (she is still at the top of his contact list) and spent the day with her on Sunday, it was supposed to be a work outing, but they went together and met up with the others for lunch, the rest of the time, about 8 hours they were alone together. When I ask him about this, he again accused me of being insecure and jealous...rolling of the eyes and 'here we go again...' type of thing and 'why are you trying to make me feel bad about spending time with a friend?'.

This morning I accessed his fb account, it is open on my laptop, I have resisted looking until today, knew it wouldn't be anything good and wanted to trust him. Lots of messages with her saying Sunday was one of the best days of her life, spending it with him. They talk about what everyone at work is saying about them spending time together, they think they are not doing anything wrong. She asks him if I gave him a hard time for spending the day with her, he says no more than usual. She then says she dreamt about kissing him and it was lovely, he says he has dreamt about hugging her and it's amazing. They give each other lots of complements 'you are so kind and lovely', 'you are so mysterious'...it's at the edge of what I would consider an emotional affair. Tonight I am going to speak with him, knowing that he will probably continue to deny anything wrong and accuse me of being paranoid. Is there any possibility that I am wrong here?...He has always been a great boyfriend, attentive, kind and caring, we seemed to be really happy, but focussing his attention on another woman is not on. Tips on how to stay strong when I talk to him? I can't see any way forward for us and want to tackle the issue in an assertive and confident manner, not fall to pieces crying & becoming an emotional wreck. He's texted me and messaged me a couple of times today and I have just ignored him. Sorry for long waffle...thank you.

OP posts:
cjel · 21/02/2014 16:33

It is really hard not to want to shout and scream< but well done for resisting. OW is definitely panicking but it has nothing to do with your life now. Your response was good and probably saved you from more desperate texts in the future.

I had a phrase 'quiet dignity' and when things get hard its good to remember. Have a good evening. I'm looking forward to chocolate and Rugby on the TV bet you wish you were meSmile

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 16:36

"Don't worry......2

She thinks highly of her self doesn't she? Hmm If it was all 100% innocent that phrase would not even be on her radar. She is damage limitation attempting as she is shitting herself her little life is about to fall apart.

And now the I am a victim on FB is just bollocks. Don't worry about it though as it seems everyone at work already know she is a trollop in training.

You are better off without him. The man you have in your life shouldn't break your heart and cause you pain. If he does, get rid.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/02/2014 16:41

Your text was excellent, v clear and dignified.

Blimey, she is a total twat to be going on on Facebook but yes, what she does there is no concern of yours. How v painful for you though.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/02/2014 16:45

If friends are asking you what's going on, you know you don't have to cover for him/them don't you? I wouldn't.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2014 16:45

Work know about them spending so much time together and have already been talking about them. Your separation will just reinforce the gossip that there was something going on. And there was something going on. She can deny it all she wants.

This reminds me of that saying, methinks the lady doth protest too much.

But in this case, she ain't no lady.

Now, OP, your message tells her all she needs to know. She is not going to be able to smooth this over. She is going to have to face the consequences of her actions.

And you are well out of it.

schooldoublestandards · 21/02/2014 16:55

Well done op.
I am snorting at "you are so mysterious" - is he Peter Andre?

LastOneDancing · 21/02/2014 16:58

I feel bad for you OP, the end of any relationship is horrible. These low feelings will pass.

But I wouldn't spare another thought for OW. She's reaping exactly what she sowed, all by herself, with no input from you.

You've acted with great dignity and can hold your head up high. You should be very proud.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 21/02/2014 17:05

school Thanks for that Grin, nearly choked on my tea!! Forgot all about dear old Peter Andre's words!

You are all bloody brilliant, thank you Thanks

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 21/02/2014 17:09

I read 'you are so mysterious' in the same way that woman on the Ferrero Rocher ads used to say to the Ambassador... 'you are really spoiling us!'

In a terrible fake European accent Blush

DeMaz · 21/02/2014 17:24

Well done Onemore!!! You're being truly dignified through this whole thing! You are brilliant and really admire your strength.

Xx

Offred · 21/02/2014 17:41

Yes, agree your text was good and dignified.

A good balance between staying out of things and stopping her from pestering you.

Agree with Trevor, will also be toasting you tonight!

WeAreDetective · 21/02/2014 18:14

That was a great email. She'll have no doubt now of what you think but she still has no idea what you will do.

The very fact that your friends are asking you about it all means they don't buy the FB stuff either.

I'll be raising a Wine to you as well, you are a star!!

waltermittymissus · 21/02/2014 18:20

I'll join you in a Wine too.

Your text wasn't weak. It was dignified and straight to the point.

Don't get sucked in by gossip mongers!

Offred · 21/02/2014 20:25

Having my Wine toasting you now! Ha ha ha!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/02/2014 20:41

To onemore, and her impressive dignity under fire Wine

cjel · 21/02/2014 22:34

Onemore - remember step away from the keyboardSmile

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 11:28

How are you this morning Onemore?

Elizabeth12132 · 22/02/2014 20:16

This reply has been deleted

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Lambzig · 22/02/2014 20:17

Onemore, I wish I had had an atom of your grace and dignity at your age.

The ridiculous thing is your ex doesn't even know what he lost.

You have my utmost admiration and Wine

WeAreDetective · 22/02/2014 20:28

Hope you are doing well onemore x

invicta · 23/02/2014 09:12

Good, dignified text. Well done.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 24/02/2014 08:54

Thinking I had survived the weekend quite well, going out seeing friends, not moping. The OW has managed to somehow come out of this smelling of roses. I bumped into one of their work colleagues yesterday afternoon (who is very friendly with OW), who started out asking how I was and then went on to offer relationship advice, which turned into something along the lines of ....'being possessive with your partner is never a good thing, I was like that in the early days of our relationship I had to learn to let DP do his thing etc'

She then said if I wanted to salvage things I probably could as my ex still loves me and OW doesn't hold anything against me!! I said there was no salvaging to be done and only me, ex and OW know what really happened.

Not surprised OW has managed to manipulate the situation, she is cunning and has a small group of people around her at work who hang on her every word. To salvage her own reputation she has had to undermine mine and make me look like a jealous possessive girlfriend. She was never going to go down without a fight!

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 24/02/2014 08:59

She had a lot to lose, really, so I think she had no alternative to do that.

I think you've been very cool. What you said again was great. I would continue as you are but in about a years time, or when she's doing it again, I would definitely tell everyone. By then, it will be very satisfying.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 24/02/2014 09:08

Thanks John for your reply. Everything sucks about this at the moment, so even small things like this are amplified. Thanks again.

OP posts:
LadyMacmuff · 24/02/2014 09:16

Just remember 'the truth will out'! She may be able to fool people for a while but in the end people will come to realise that OW and ex-P are entirely responsible and as long as you maintain your dignity and integrity by not stooping to her level you will always maintain the higher ground. This 'friend' is interfering in things which are none of her business and you certainly do not need to justify yourself to her. Ignore, hold your head up and be proud of yourself - you will smell of roses and they will look like the prize bunch of arses they actually are.

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