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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is an emotional affair, right?

244 replies

onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 15:39

I suspect my partner of 3 years of having an emotional affair with a work colleague. For the past few months they have been sending each other facebook messages on a daily basis...I questioned him about it a couple of weeks back and he accused me of being insecure and jealous. We argued, he said I was trying to control him and I said that it made me feel insecure, but wanted assurances that they were just friends, he stonewalled me, would not say anything. We had a break for a couple of days then he contacted me saying he was sorry, that I was right he was speaking to her too much on fb, it was every day sometimes for hours at a time, and that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, he promised to cut down contact. Fast forward two weeks, he is still talking to her on fb (she is still at the top of his contact list) and spent the day with her on Sunday, it was supposed to be a work outing, but they went together and met up with the others for lunch, the rest of the time, about 8 hours they were alone together. When I ask him about this, he again accused me of being insecure and jealous...rolling of the eyes and 'here we go again...' type of thing and 'why are you trying to make me feel bad about spending time with a friend?'.

This morning I accessed his fb account, it is open on my laptop, I have resisted looking until today, knew it wouldn't be anything good and wanted to trust him. Lots of messages with her saying Sunday was one of the best days of her life, spending it with him. They talk about what everyone at work is saying about them spending time together, they think they are not doing anything wrong. She asks him if I gave him a hard time for spending the day with her, he says no more than usual. She then says she dreamt about kissing him and it was lovely, he says he has dreamt about hugging her and it's amazing. They give each other lots of complements 'you are so kind and lovely', 'you are so mysterious'...it's at the edge of what I would consider an emotional affair. Tonight I am going to speak with him, knowing that he will probably continue to deny anything wrong and accuse me of being paranoid. Is there any possibility that I am wrong here?...He has always been a great boyfriend, attentive, kind and caring, we seemed to be really happy, but focussing his attention on another woman is not on. Tips on how to stay strong when I talk to him? I can't see any way forward for us and want to tackle the issue in an assertive and confident manner, not fall to pieces crying & becoming an emotional wreck. He's texted me and messaged me a couple of times today and I have just ignored him. Sorry for long waffle...thank you.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/02/2014 12:15

one of course your sad! You've just had to end your relationship because of those two arseholes!

Just think though, it wasn't the relationship you thought it was! It was a farce because he wasn't in it. Not properly. And think of the heartache you've saved yourself down the line.

It's ok to be sad. Mourn the loss of what you thought you had then get on with a life not being ruined by his selfish arse!

Inertia · 20/02/2014 13:16

You're doing great.

Something else to bear in mind- now that gossip is rife at work, they know full well that everyone else will be watching the pair of them like hawks on Friday night, to see whether a) they both turn up, and b) how they interact with another. You going on Friday would be a distraction from that, they are still looking to use you as their cover.

Is there any way you can be out of town on Friday night- visiting family for dinner or something- so that there's no chance of him pestering you to go out?

Shoesme84 · 20/02/2014 13:47

Proud of you.

WhateverTrevor83 · 20/02/2014 14:18

Me too I think you've done so well. I would have made a holy show of myself by now. Remember you are in and extremely powerful position!

captainmummy · 20/02/2014 14:36

Re Friday -so you were supposed to have been going? If you hadn't kicked him to the kerb, would you have been there with him - and have them secretly smiling, glancing, touching, with you there?? With everyone else from work 'knowing' the gossip about them?

Dodged one there I think OP. If nothing else!

WeAreDetective · 20/02/2014 14:47

Op if you are cool with a Friday night in, then that's great. I like the sound of having stuff planned for the weekend.

And yes, he's behaving like someone who is sorry he got caught... Not sorry he did it.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 20/02/2014 17:07

Thanks again Blush, I really appreciate your support.

captainmummy yes I was going to be going along, although I think they would be keeping a distance to make it look as if they were completely innocent. I imagine they will still be doing that, she has her DH still consider.....

I want to hurt them both, but it's just not worth it and stops me from moving forward if I get stuck in this. I know how lucky I am not living together or having dcs with him. I am counting my blessings.

Happy to be in tomorrow night, have a busy weekend and an excuse to catch up on Breaking Bad Wink

Have left my phone off this afternoon and not been on face book. It all feels a bit strange now.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 20/02/2014 17:34

You're completely right to not give them headspace.

Even if it's for 'revenge' it still means you're thinking about them and they don't deserve that!!!

Fairenuff · 20/02/2014 17:52

They are doing a good enough job of hurting themselves. He has lost you and gained nothing except a bad reputation and work colleagues gossiping behind his back. She will forever be worrying that her dh will find out about them and she risks losing whatever it is she thinks she's got.

Leave them to it now, hold your head up high and move on. There is no way that anyone is going to have anything but admiration for the way you have handled this. You have shown that you are not putting up with any of this nonsense and that is so refreshing to see on mn.

magoria · 20/02/2014 19:06

If you have any doubts about ending things just remember that the first thing he did after you left and all his crap about planning for the future was to change his FB password, get in contact with her and let her know the shit had hit the fan.

He and she were his first priority. Not you.

You are so strong. You deserve better!

alphabook · 20/02/2014 20:32

I can't believe the blatant cheek of the OW. I would be so tempted to text her back but I think you're doing the right thing by ignoring, you are keeping your dignity and class. Good for you, it will most definitely be his loss.

eddielizzard · 20/02/2014 20:47

you have acted with dignity. awful, but you've done the best thing and he's proven that he can't be trusted. so sorry Sad

Doha · 20/02/2014 21:11

Okay just chipping in AGAIN with a vindictive message NOT to text after Friday night. They will be feeling relieved at your no show and think they have "got away with it"
A simple text to them both.....

Revenge is a dish best served cold

That should keep them stressing for a wee while longer. Grin

PrincessPeashooter · 21/02/2014 07:47

Good on you, you've done the right thing no as you don't deserve to be treated like this.

You don't need to say anything either, if you were expected to attend tonight your absence will speak a thousand words amongst their colleagues.

cjel · 21/02/2014 09:22

Heres another not to text tonight - ' Be there in a minute, can't wait to catch up with your dh'

mileysorearse · 21/02/2014 12:47

Ooh yes, do don't send that! They will be on edge all evening.

noblegiraffe · 21/02/2014 12:51

You have the moral high ground in spades. Well done, stay dignified and leave them to their mess.

The minute you send anything you can become the bad guy of the piece in their minds. Lock your phone away on Friday night and Saturday morning, don't give them any satisfaction.

WhateverTrevor83 · 21/02/2014 15:06

onemorestep123 OP Just wanted to let you know that when I have my first sip of wine tonight when I'm out after a shitty week that I'll be toasting you (in my head) and your bravery and grace!

Well done for not clinging on to his leg, going on a witch hunt for the OP, including loads of people who will just enjoy the drama, or ringing in sick/not leaving the house... because that's what I always worry I'd do if I was in your position.

Seeing you deal with this with so much class has made me feel so much better about MN / what I'd do in your situation. You're ace x [blah, I know kisses are frowned upon... but this is an emergency! HA]

WhateverTrevor83 · 21/02/2014 15:07

*witch hunt for OW

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 21/02/2014 15:57

So I did a very weak thing.....she texted me again asking to meet, this time a different tone. I texted her back "Please do not contact me again, I will not be meeting up with you" I couldn't face her thinking that there was any possibility of meeting up.

I wanted to add something about her DH, but I didn't.

Today has been a bad day, all the shit is going round in my head, feel so sad. Old friends from their work have been asking me what is going on, and am I ok, as they've heard this and that and apparently OW has been posting on fb - she is broken and surrounded by gossip and lies, she is the victim.

I need to heed all of your advice and keep out of it and not get drawn in. It's about the end of a relationship not about who did what to whom and whose fault it is. Glad this week is over.

Thank you again....onward and upward

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorestep123 · 21/02/2014 16:02

Whatever thank you for such a great complement Smile

Thanks noblegiraffe phone is going to be off!!

Thanks all, time for some positivity, that last message was far too self pitying! Is it too early to join me in Wine ??

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 21/02/2014 16:03

That wasn't weak at all it was honest, clear and polite.

Yep, the hard bit starts now - mourning the loss of what you'd thought was a good relationship. You know it will get easier.

If she has any sense she will leave it now and not poke at a wound/run the risk of you bringing up her DH. Well done for not mud slinging.

Jan45 · 21/02/2014 16:06

You are a fantastic lady, well done, you will come out of this even more fabby.

WhateverTrevor83 · 21/02/2014 16:06

PS she's putting shit like that on FB to cover her arse with her DH. Risky strategy of her - drawing attention to it will draw attention to your silence/you and your XP splitting. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together... unless her DH is stupid of course.

But - that's her problem!

Jan45 · 21/02/2014 16:10

Erm, is her DH attractive looking...?

(joke)

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