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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is an emotional affair, right?

244 replies

onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 15:39

I suspect my partner of 3 years of having an emotional affair with a work colleague. For the past few months they have been sending each other facebook messages on a daily basis...I questioned him about it a couple of weeks back and he accused me of being insecure and jealous. We argued, he said I was trying to control him and I said that it made me feel insecure, but wanted assurances that they were just friends, he stonewalled me, would not say anything. We had a break for a couple of days then he contacted me saying he was sorry, that I was right he was speaking to her too much on fb, it was every day sometimes for hours at a time, and that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, he promised to cut down contact. Fast forward two weeks, he is still talking to her on fb (she is still at the top of his contact list) and spent the day with her on Sunday, it was supposed to be a work outing, but they went together and met up with the others for lunch, the rest of the time, about 8 hours they were alone together. When I ask him about this, he again accused me of being insecure and jealous...rolling of the eyes and 'here we go again...' type of thing and 'why are you trying to make me feel bad about spending time with a friend?'.

This morning I accessed his fb account, it is open on my laptop, I have resisted looking until today, knew it wouldn't be anything good and wanted to trust him. Lots of messages with her saying Sunday was one of the best days of her life, spending it with him. They talk about what everyone at work is saying about them spending time together, they think they are not doing anything wrong. She asks him if I gave him a hard time for spending the day with her, he says no more than usual. She then says she dreamt about kissing him and it was lovely, he says he has dreamt about hugging her and it's amazing. They give each other lots of complements 'you are so kind and lovely', 'you are so mysterious'...it's at the edge of what I would consider an emotional affair. Tonight I am going to speak with him, knowing that he will probably continue to deny anything wrong and accuse me of being paranoid. Is there any possibility that I am wrong here?...He has always been a great boyfriend, attentive, kind and caring, we seemed to be really happy, but focussing his attention on another woman is not on. Tips on how to stay strong when I talk to him? I can't see any way forward for us and want to tackle the issue in an assertive and confident manner, not fall to pieces crying & becoming an emotional wreck. He's texted me and messaged me a couple of times today and I have just ignored him. Sorry for long waffle...thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 17:06

Snugglepiggy Glad it worked out and they were caught before it lead onto something more serious. Ultimatums sometimes work.

Thinkfirst luckily he has nothing at my place, but I have lots of things at his, so I do need to collect. I am sure I can get his flat mate to let me in when he is out.

YouseewhathappensLarry and captainmummy I can't let her husband know, that's not for me to do, even tho' I am sorely tempted!

Jan45 I want to see the look on his face when I tell him to f*ck right off.

Redfocus nice one!

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Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 17:14

DownstairsMixUp Yes, when the trust is broken, it's difficult to rebuild. Your DP did the right thing when you found out and it's good that things are better now, but not easy is it?

It's over for me now, I could give him an ultimatum, don't think he would listen, my gut tells me he is addicted to her compliments and advances. She is a piece of work and he is a gullible fool. I doubt she would risk her marriage for him. We'll see...I feel better already not having to second guess or wonder what he is saying to her every 5 minutes.

OP posts:
YouseewhathappensLarry · 18/02/2014 17:16

My reasoning on letting the husband know is that him finding out May burst the bubble and stop her cheating on her husband before it goes to far.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 18/02/2014 17:18

my gut tells me he is addicted to her compliments and advances.
I completely agree. Those message are so "star-crossed lovers" it's unreal. Well done for making such a clear cut decision. You deserve better.

bumbumsmummy · 18/02/2014 17:32

Haha Red that made laugh Grin

You are worth so much more then him dumpsville for sure

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 17:40

JonSnowKnowsNothing Taken me a while to arrive at the 'clear cut decision'....stupidly cried myself to sleep last night wondering what to do. Have come to my senses at last. Something just snapped.

I will feel like shit once the anger dies down, I'll miss him. Before this happened we were great together. I hope he realises what he is about to lose. Twat...again.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 17:45

YousewhathappensLarry I see where you are coming from but I'm not comfortable telling him. I don't know him and have never met him.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 18/02/2014 17:49

It's not stupid to cry yourself to sleep when a relationship is ending OP, that just shows that it wasn't a total waste of time - you absolutely should grieve for the nice moments you shared.

Just keep focused that the moment you get rid of this 'cuddling' nobber ('you're so mysterious' WTAF?! They sound about 14), the closer you are to a wonderful, loyal relationship.

I recon OW will run a mile once he's single.

Only1scoop · 18/02/2014 17:53

One ....stick to your plan you are being really strong. You sound far to intelligent to put up with any if this garbage....
Onward and upward

Lambzig · 18/02/2014 18:06

OP, you sound like a very together person. Of course you are in tears, you have invested 3 years in a relationship only to be treated appallingly. It's never easy and a bunch of strangers on the internet aren't always right, but it does sound massively that you would be better off without him.

As others have said, don't allow him to accuse you of being paranoid etc and stay strong.

DownstairsMixUp · 18/02/2014 18:09

onemorestep in your case I think you are making the right choice then. I think if my dp hadn't did what he did i would of been doing the exact same thing you are to. Don't beat yourself up about crying though, you still have a right to cry for the relationship you ONCE had and you are right, he is a twat and I doubt this woman will leave her life for this little fling. Don't be surprised if he comes running back begging when she tells him to bugger off!

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 18/02/2014 18:14

onemorestep you are doing the right thing. It's normal to cry, so don't worry about that. My DP did something similar about 6 months ago - I kicked up a fuss and we are slowly getting over it. Had we not had children I would have kicked him into touch! Good luck!

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 18:23

Tonight I am going to speak with him, knowing that he will probably continue to deny anything wrong and accuse me of being paranoid. Is there any possibility that I am wrong here?

No, there is no possibility that you are wrong. As everyone else has said, you are doing the right thing, you will be so much happier in the long run.

He does not deserve you. Keep telling yourself that.

mileysorearse · 18/02/2014 18:30

He doesn't have to know that he deleted the messages before you had a chance to copy them, let him believe you have a copy/photo/screenshot. She will be shitting herself that you have a ticking timebomb to give to her H, you can take comfort from that if you need it.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 18:30

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the straight talking.

Lambzig sometimes a bunch of strangers on the internet can see exactly what is going on....I am trying to keep it all together, your replies are keeping me sane!

I can't believe he has had me questioning my own sanity, that in itself should have had the warning bells ringing!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 18:38

When are you going to speak to him? It might help to make a list to remind you of what you want to say and stop yourself being drawn into a discussion or having to listen to any of his nonsense.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 18:43

Fairenuff I am at work until 8.30, then have arranged to go to his. I have a list of things I have been putting together today and I have to keep reminding myself of their dreams, sweet nothings and other nonsense.

I'm also going to print out the messages on here.

Unless he falls down at my feet begging for repentance and promises to cut all contact with her, and it's unlikely, then it's done.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 18:51

Even if he does, he has said that before, remember?

If you feel yourself start to waver, stay firm. Tell him you just need some space if you have to but don't allow him to fool you with crocodile tears.

Charlie97 · 18/02/2014 19:09

The thing that makes me really angry, is when you split he contacted you again......how selfish is that if he had not intention of stopping this EA!

Kick him in to touch......he's not worth your love.

x

Only1scoop · 18/02/2014 19:12

Even if he does....I hate to say it but he will probably just hide his tracks better. You will begin a life of wondering....checking....
Not worth it.

bootsycollins · 18/02/2014 19:18

He's an unworthy arsehole and this is your lucky escape 123
Get rid Thanks

invicta · 18/02/2014 19:23

Wishing you all the best.

knickernicker · 18/02/2014 19:29

Do you need to go and see him at all? He'll upset you again and no matter what evidence you have, he'll still try to make you doubt yourself.
I would just dump. Dump and run. If he then regrets what he's done, he will do what he needs to do.

hamptoncourt · 18/02/2014 19:31

Don't print out the messages on here as it shows you no longer have the evidence. It will make no difference anyway.

Tell him to fuck off and that you have printed out all the facebook messages and are going to send them on to her husband when you feel like it. Don't engage in any further conversation.

You do realise the only reason he deleted them is to keep her safe don't you?

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 19:45

hamptoncourt was planning on printing out the messages for myself, to keep me focussed before we talk.

Yes, he was deleting them for her. When they talked about what everyone at work is saying about them spending time together, he says that he hopes he hasn't made things awkward for her or caused her any problems....such a sweetie!!

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