Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is an emotional affair, right?

244 replies

onemorestep123 · 18/02/2014 15:39

I suspect my partner of 3 years of having an emotional affair with a work colleague. For the past few months they have been sending each other facebook messages on a daily basis...I questioned him about it a couple of weeks back and he accused me of being insecure and jealous. We argued, he said I was trying to control him and I said that it made me feel insecure, but wanted assurances that they were just friends, he stonewalled me, would not say anything. We had a break for a couple of days then he contacted me saying he was sorry, that I was right he was speaking to her too much on fb, it was every day sometimes for hours at a time, and that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, he promised to cut down contact. Fast forward two weeks, he is still talking to her on fb (she is still at the top of his contact list) and spent the day with her on Sunday, it was supposed to be a work outing, but they went together and met up with the others for lunch, the rest of the time, about 8 hours they were alone together. When I ask him about this, he again accused me of being insecure and jealous...rolling of the eyes and 'here we go again...' type of thing and 'why are you trying to make me feel bad about spending time with a friend?'.

This morning I accessed his fb account, it is open on my laptop, I have resisted looking until today, knew it wouldn't be anything good and wanted to trust him. Lots of messages with her saying Sunday was one of the best days of her life, spending it with him. They talk about what everyone at work is saying about them spending time together, they think they are not doing anything wrong. She asks him if I gave him a hard time for spending the day with her, he says no more than usual. She then says she dreamt about kissing him and it was lovely, he says he has dreamt about hugging her and it's amazing. They give each other lots of complements 'you are so kind and lovely', 'you are so mysterious'...it's at the edge of what I would consider an emotional affair. Tonight I am going to speak with him, knowing that he will probably continue to deny anything wrong and accuse me of being paranoid. Is there any possibility that I am wrong here?...He has always been a great boyfriend, attentive, kind and caring, we seemed to be really happy, but focussing his attention on another woman is not on. Tips on how to stay strong when I talk to him? I can't see any way forward for us and want to tackle the issue in an assertive and confident manner, not fall to pieces crying & becoming an emotional wreck. He's texted me and messaged me a couple of times today and I have just ignored him. Sorry for long waffle...thank you.

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 19/02/2014 13:51

Thanks Grin but 'Do NOT text me again...' haha!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/02/2014 13:53

Really, don't engage.

WhateverTrevor83 · 19/02/2014 13:53

You know they are going out Friday night (sounds, erm, really fun and original!)... what are you going to do Friday night?
Get something planned for you so those two bozos aren't on your mind. Even if it's something small and inexpensive don't end up sat on your tod fretting.

JustSpeakSense · 19/02/2014 13:56

*Not Grin

waltermittymissus · 19/02/2014 14:29

Good for you!

He doesn't deserve another face to face.

You organised her baby shower? I amm Angry on your behalf.

I agree with Trevor - get some plans made so you can see how brilliant life is without these emotional vampires taking up head space!

Flowers Cake and Wine to you.

Gettingmeback · 19/02/2014 14:32

Yep I agree don't reply. It will help you to get back some of the power they have taken from you. They are desperate to hear your response to plan their next move so keep them sweating. OW will be s**tting herself what you're going to do. A lot to lose there for her.

What I find almost more disgusting than the sickly pinings for hugs and kisses and we all know what else!, is that they have discussed you and he has been disrespectful, dismissive and spoken in an annoyed and irritated way about you to her ("no more than usual "). Cheaters do this to ensure that their beloved (cheater no.2) doesn't actually think they might have feelings for their partner/DH/DW. Cheating only works if both cheaters are deluded enough to believe that each is somehow trapped and victim of an unsatisfying relationship they played no part in creating but can't get out of. Poor things must be dreadful. And he continues to do this by colluding and planning with her, about you. Once they do that, he no longer sees you and him as the team, but him and her against the world. Very sweet. When a partner doesn't have your back, he never will and it's time to find a real man.

Doha · 19/02/2014 14:36

To be really vindictive l would text OW back.."I have taken screen shots of your conversations with my exDP, you have 24 hours to tell your DH before l contact him and show him the messages"

Hee hee

But please ignore that advice

Inertia · 19/02/2014 14:40

You've had a lucky escape - you've discovered what he is really like before getting tangled up with children, shared housing, joint finances etc.

I would ignore all texts from both of them - they will be absolutely panicking, because she no longer has the cover of him having a long-term girlfriend .

Don't let him suck you back in again- can you make plans of your own for the weekend?

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 19/02/2014 14:47

Great advice Doha obviously I will completely ignore it Grin

Getting yes total lack of respect, a spineless git!

I didn't give too much background initially as it detracts from the main issue. In a nutshell, I used to work where they work, it's where I met him. I am still friends with some of the folk there. That's why I was involved in organising the baby shower.

Some of these friends have my back and I've discovered that the OW has also been massaging a few of the other men she works with. She only works two days a week, the messaging seems to take place when she is at home.

I don't know her husband at all, he travels a lot and the general feeling is that she is lonely at home. I used to feel sorry for her! The more I hear the more dangerous she becomes, not taking away from his part in any way, he has been going along with it and encouraging just as much, but he fell for the bait whilst others didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorestep123 · 19/02/2014 14:49

Yes, I have plans this weekend :)

OP posts:
Gettingmeback · 19/02/2014 14:51

And BTW, you are amazing and strong and a true lady in how you have managed this. You will look back with such pride and relay this story in the future as an achievement once the grief and the pain have passed. You already knew the answer when you posted, but you put it out there just to check and as soon as it was confirmed by others, you acted. Amazing!

Keep the strength because everyone is right. She will dump him. He'll be less interesting and also more high risk for her when he no longer has a partner. And he will quickly work out what a complete f* up he is and come up with a hard to refuse grovelling act to you about how it was all her fault blah blah. Poor guy he is irresistible what's he supposed to do? Or it's all your fault, you've changed etc. Of course you've changed you've been living with a self centred cheating dick!

SerenaBracken · 19/02/2014 15:01

I'm torn between answering or not, mostly because I loved *Fairnuff"'s "Are you going to tell your husband or shall I?" Straight to the point. But also I'm not sure it's damage limitation, more having your nose rubbed in it.

WhateverTrevor83 · 19/02/2014 15:07

Doha "You have 24 hours..." sounds like something out of Mission Impossible!! Grin

Only1scoop · 19/02/2014 15:14

'Revenge' a dish best served cold

Certainly not implying you should in your circumstances....up to you

But let them sweat.

ProphetOfDoom · 19/02/2014 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 19/02/2014 15:39

Thank you Gettingmeback what a lovely thing to say Blush....

Your messages are a great tonic thank you Thanks

Fairnuff will keep that line in mind......

OP posts:
invicta · 19/02/2014 15:55

One more step - cyber hugs and all the best, and well done!

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 16:20

Respec' to you, lady

So nice to see a woman that knows her worth Smile

ThinkIMmad · 19/02/2014 16:27

I would like to say im surprised that shes txt you but im not its happened to a couple of people i kno that the OW has made some sort of contact with wife pretending to be all friendly, i dont know what goes on in peoples minds sometimes.

knickernicker · 19/02/2014 16:50

He's stuffed good and proper. They'll back off each other now and he will be alone. Make sure you tell.her dh tho, in about a months time when they think it's all blown over.

knickernicker · 19/02/2014 16:51

He's stuffed good and proper. They'll back off each other now and he will be alone. Make sure you tell.her dh tho, in about a months time when they think it's all blown over.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/02/2014 17:18

That's the sweet collateral justice of kicking him into touch so quickly.

Not only have you removed your delightful self from his life, but you have buggered up his illicit little "I wuv you" fest with his secret girlfriend.

Their secret chats will be harder to pass off as innocent now that he's been dumped because of his involvement with her.

And she is going to run a mile given that she's married and just toying with him.

Offred · 19/02/2014 17:48

I think you should ignore them both, not worth getting into a slanging match and being confronted by two people claiming they are victims of a paranoid and insecure abusive ex!!

But... It might be fun to write some imaginary responses on here.

I would maybe say "no, sorry I will be at home dreaming of kissing your h, it will be lovely!"

Offred · 19/02/2014 17:50

The text is good really as it is even more confirmation that he was stepping over the line and they both knew it and still want to protect it. He may carry on with the messaging and so may she but really I'd leave them to it and try to feel glad you saw through him and took such decisive action.

Original poster
onemorestep123 · 19/02/2014 18:23

Update....just had a text from OW asking to meet for a coffee tomorrow, obviously didn't get the hint when I ignored her last message:

"I was wondering if tomorrow morning you would have time for a coffee, I would like to speak to you about last Sunday. Don't worry, nothing happened, but I prefer to have a chat before I see you on Friday. Have a nice evening :-)"

WTF....Is this unbelievable?! Heading out for the rest of the evening, but it made me laugh!!

I wonder if she ever visits mumsnet?!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread