DH, secrets and.. basically I'm scared

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Me and DH are extremely happily married, will have our first anniversary a month today. Had been together for four years ish before we got married.

Last night, god knows how it came up in conversation, but he let slip that (due to something a bit personal on his part that I'd rather not go into) his chances of having children may be extremely hindered.

I'm shocked. We were planning on ttc in 6 months or so and I have been blissfully unaware. He told me he's been worrying himself senseless for ages and has been too scared to tell me / go and get fertility tested. Mostly, I just can't help but feel like he should have told me this so much sooner than a year into our marriage.

I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I'm so scared that we'll find out we can't have children and that it will come between us. I know lots of people go through this and have seen first hand how much strain it can place on people (a couple I know had problems and it drove them apart eventually).

I could have been prepared to deal with this if he'd told me before we got married but I feel like that has been taken away from me.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I hope this isn't the wrong board for this. I'm just shocked and upset. He's being awkward about going to get tested, saying he's embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to think about anything else until he sees a doctor :(

OP - he still has one working testicle and one is all you need! like a lot of things in the human body we are given 'spares' - kidney and lung spring to mind.

TBH your DH has probably worked himself up after reading an article.

It would be a fertility clinic - sperm mobility and quality wont be done at a doctors. Also, I doubt, unless you pay for it your self, that the NHS will run tests 'just in case'. There would have to be a reason, such as failure to conceive.

I think there is quite a bit more to it than just 'he still has one working testicle'. I've done some reading around it and it is proven that it if it is not operated on when boys are very young, it can cause problems in fertility later in life. I'm not worrying about nothing.

Anyway we will see what the doc says tomorrow.

Our gp sent us to the hospital with a sample and the results were returned to the Gp's office.
Zero. nada. Zip. Cue lots of sorrow on our part and the ensuring blood tests that found my dh carries CF and was born without a vans deferens.
Fast forward six years, my beautiful dd will be four on Friday. Conceived on our first round of ICSI, my dh is technically infertile but sperm was easily accessed with a PISA incision.
Don't despair, fertility treatment is usually pretty successful in this sort of case. My specialist went so far as to say that we were his favourite kind of case, because he could guarantee success

I can't comment on the withholding info. My dh told me early on he suspected there was something not quite right and he was oh so spot on the mark.

Oh and also my OP was mostly upset about him not telling me as opposed to what the result will be (although naturally that worries me too).

TheGonnagle, great success story :)

Agree Tiffany, dh had a single undescended testicle. Also I have no idea if that could mean that sperm cannot be collected from the testes, I only know that in our case it could (although there were other medical problems too that could possibly have been the cause of the zero count).

The sperm test and retest is done by gp surgery. Next is usually referral to hospital consultant, or I expect if you prefer, direct referral to a Fertility clinic.

But maybe you won't need any of these, your husbands sample could come up fine or just below average.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks very much for the helpful info Topsey. Will try and put it to the back of my mind for a few days now.

I did something in the early part of our marriage that dh found completely unacceptable (so do I, in retrospect). His reaction shocked me but changed my thinking and I did a lot of things to show him that he could trust me now. I think his reaction and what he does now are important. Whether he is actually fertile or not is almost a side-issue! Something he could do to start with is share all the details of his appointment with you, ideally by you going as well. He needs to tell you more about what he feels about having a family as well - did he think through what would happen if he is infertile? What options could you consider? It's not that you have to consider this now, but he could take this as a chance to open up to you.

Hi everyone, just wanted to post an update.

DH had his appointment this morning at 08:30. The doctor did a thorough check and said that because the operation he had when he was younger was successful and everything was in the correct place as it were, it means that he will (hopefully) have a normal chance of being fertile like any other man. Thank god for that. We are to go back in a year if ttc hasn't worked.

Also apparently (sorry for tmi, but..) the testicle is low down and normal enough for it to be checked for lumps in the normal way too.

What a relief. We talked for ages after the appointment and I said that I shouldn't have had to push him into getting this sorted and that he needs to take responsibility for himself. I think he realises how awful this has been for me. Don't really want to let him off too lightly even though I'm overjoyed, as the fact is still there that he lied to me. From here he needs to work to build up my trust again as it's definitely dented.

Thanks for all of the support and words of wisdom from you all, it really kept me sane when I couldn't talk to anyone else about it.

Fab I'm pleased for you. I hope he understands it was the cover up and not the testicle itself that was the problem

Great news about the fertility.

Hope he has some good ideas about rebuilding trust.

Excellent news, Tiffany.