DH, secrets and.. basically I'm scared

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Me and DH are extremely happily married, will have our first anniversary a month today. Had been together for four years ish before we got married.

Last night, god knows how it came up in conversation, but he let slip that (due to something a bit personal on his part that I'd rather not go into) his chances of having children may be extremely hindered.

I'm shocked. We were planning on ttc in 6 months or so and I have been blissfully unaware. He told me he's been worrying himself senseless for ages and has been too scared to tell me / go and get fertility tested. Mostly, I just can't help but feel like he should have told me this so much sooner than a year into our marriage.

I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I'm so scared that we'll find out we can't have children and that it will come between us. I know lots of people go through this and have seen first hand how much strain it can place on people (a couple I know had problems and it drove them apart eventually).

I could have been prepared to deal with this if he'd told me before we got married but I feel like that has been taken away from me.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I hope this isn't the wrong board for this. I'm just shocked and upset. He's being awkward about going to get tested, saying he's embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to think about anything else until he sees a doctor :(

He's probably been worrying about this for ages and never found the right time to tell you. Also he might be needlessly worrying.

My dh had an op as a child that also left him with fertility problems which we only found out about sort of by accident (sorry, I know it's hard to explain how you end up getting spermatogenesis count measured by accident but it happened nonetheless). He admitted he'd always been worried about it and now it was his worst nightmare confirmed.

I was so upset because kids were always part of my plan. Annoyed at him, but it wasn't his fault really! I would still have married him if I had known.

Anyway cut a long story short he went to gp, who got the spermatogenesis count tested again. It was very very very low. Booked us in for fertility treatment in 1 year's time.

I stopped taking the pill and 2 months later I was pregnant. Thought that was a fluke (stupid us) and ended up having 3 Dds and 2 mcs in 3 years.

What I'm trying to say is it takes 2 to make a baby. Even if his count is extremely low, if there are no factors affecting your fertility you might never notice.

I have no idea why sperm was autocorrected to spermatogenesis!

Sorry for the slow update. We've officially talked (I shouted/cried) it out to death. I told him I refuse to accept that he didn't know it might be an issue and he immediately broke down and said he'd not thought about it much, then he'd come across an article about it online once when we were engaged and he'd been absolutely terrified I'd call the wedding off and kept putting off telling me. He was trying to bury his head in the sand which is not fucking okay. He was ashamed and embarrassed but I am his other half and I don't care about the stupid fertility. Well I do, but I care about him too. I could've shared the burden of worry for god sake.

I won't lie, I went absolutely ballistic and said he'd be lucky if I ever trust him again.

He's made an appointment for Thursday as he promised, so that's something.

He's an arse but he is VERY remorseful. It has been left open ended - we're in separate rooms watching different TVs. I need some time to think. I love the stupid idiot embarrassed bastard man child :(

Thankyou for the positive experiences some have shared. We could've gotten through it fine if he'd just clued me in...

Is he prone to drama Op ?

So glad you have been able to have it out with him. I guess now you will just have to take it one day at a time and see how you get on. Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive him too quickly, it will take time to build the trust up again.
Does sound like he is very sorry, but that doesn't minimize how its affected you

will you be attending the appt with him ?

He's definitely not prone to drama, quite laid back and always looking at the positives of things. Sigh.

I don't know. I want to support him but it feels weird now. Like I've forced him to go.

Umm, he lied to you. He knew and he lied.

so you don't want children/are ready to go through the issues his 'issue' might cause?

Sorry, but if you want children in this relationship, he has removed your choices.

Quit the guilty conscience, OP

I don't like how he has minimized it , ie he never thought about it , but then again he's been terrified about it .which is it ? I also don't like how instead of taking responsibility he has sought out reassurance from you . Shouldn't it be him reassuring you ?

And as for being upset that the insinuation that he betrayed your trust ,,,he has . I think he has been very manipulative .

You have forced nothing on him OP. All he's doing is going to the doctor. Something he should have done a long time ago. If it helps, you should both think of the actual test results as incidental to the issues that you have to work through as a couple.

I'm quite shocked at some of the harsh responses on here. Do you really think a frightened little boy, about to have a horrible operation, would understand the possible consequences twenty years later? Or even be told that his fertility might be affected?

Of course he's handled it badly - very badly - in recent years, but lots of people adopt the ostrich position with unpleasant news.

Anyway, let's hope the tests show some good news, even if nature needs a helping hand in due course.

How can he have been terrified, yet not have thought much about it???

The way I see it, he has no respect for you. He has lied. He has taken away your choice whether to have children or not.

He has decided this for you, by not telling you sooner. He has had years of knowing he might not have kids, years of coming to terms with this. Surely he has not been keen on kids at all, or he would have had himself checked out! He just figured you would fall in with not having kids, because you love him.

What an arse.

I think you're jumping the gun

if it was a unilateral undescended testis I don't see that there would be a huge impact on his fertility necessarily, and yes he definitely should have mentioned it before, but he didn't want to lose you, presumably he loves you very much, etc etc -

this is probably very hard for him to investigate so until that part is done, please step back and be less harsh. It was not a vasectomy that he lied about.

All sorts of things make sperm counts fall - and there are many methods to get around initial fertility problems. Don't be too melodramatic about it, the current issue is that he didn't tell you before - not that you will have trouble conceiving because of this

Thanks everyone for your replies.

How can he have been terrified, yet not have thought much about it??? ... If you read my post, I said that he'd never thought about it much, then came across an article about it online, and then he was terrified about having to tell me.

He's said he'll do anything to regain my trust and has grovelled like nobody's business. He realises that if he ever lies to me about anything again I'll be gone.

I'm not being harsh cafecito, I think I'm reacting in quite an understandable way to the lie he's told me which as you say, is an issue. You can't keep something like that to yourself. Hopefully it will amount to nothing on Thursday, but I would have liked not to have had it sprung on me so far into our marriage.

Does anyone know what the appointment will entail? As in, will they be referring him to a fertility clinic or can they do things from the doctor's surgery? I am rather clueless.

What was the operation, out of curiosity.

Two of my children had undescended testicles - I haven't told them anything about the operation to correct those. Google tells me that 10% of those post operation will be infertile compared to 6% of the general population.

In all honesty, it's probably something and nothing. For a man to be infertile, it's probably more psychological damaging than for a woman.

Hi DarlingGrace. it was an undescended testicle. He didn't have the op until he was 11 though, which I gather increases the chances of having difficulty

Practically speaking OP, this partly depends on what you mean by infertile? We were TTC, dh had sperm test, and was stunned to get a zero count, same on repeat. When we requested his medical file he had surgically corrected undescended testicle.

Although he had no idea that these could affect fertility, they obviously did. But he subsequently had sperm extracted surgically from the testes and we succeeded with fertility treatment. It is a very very long and hard road, but whilst we suffered with infertility, I would not say he is infertile.

Sorry to hear that Topsey and glad you succeeded eventually. I obviously don't have any answers at all yet with regards to DH's fertility, was just wondering quite literally whether they are able to carry out tests at a doctor's surgery, or whether it needs to be at a fertility clinic specifically.