DH, secrets and.. basically I'm scared

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Me and DH are extremely happily married, will have our first anniversary a month today. Had been together for four years ish before we got married.

Last night, god knows how it came up in conversation, but he let slip that (due to something a bit personal on his part that I'd rather not go into) his chances of having children may be extremely hindered.

I'm shocked. We were planning on ttc in 6 months or so and I have been blissfully unaware. He told me he's been worrying himself senseless for ages and has been too scared to tell me / go and get fertility tested. Mostly, I just can't help but feel like he should have told me this so much sooner than a year into our marriage.

I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I'm so scared that we'll find out we can't have children and that it will come between us. I know lots of people go through this and have seen first hand how much strain it can place on people (a couple I know had problems and it drove them apart eventually).

I could have been prepared to deal with this if he'd told me before we got married but I feel like that has been taken away from me.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I hope this isn't the wrong board for this. I'm just shocked and upset. He's being awkward about going to get tested, saying he's embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to think about anything else until he sees a doctor :(

No not LTB but let him know in no uncertain terms that what he did was wrong, he doesn't seem to think this which is worrying!

Would he be A ok if you had just told him that for the last five years you had hidden the fact you might be infertile? Doubt it.

or waiting to see what the results of the test are.

You need to make your decision about what you do BEFORE you know the results of the test.

If you leave him because he has deceived you about something so important, then you leave him for that regardless of whether it turns out that he is infertile.

If you decide to stay with him, you need to do it on the basis that you are staying for him regardless of the quality of his sperm.

Right, but according to your first post He told me he's been worrying himself senseless for ages and has been too scared to tell me / go and get fertility tested.

So he did know, and chose not to tell you. If he genuinely didn't know (and that would be understandable) then his earlier story wouldn't make sense.

To be honest, this is more worrying again. Having been caught out in the lie he's not just holding his hands up and admitting he made a mistake.

Nobody said LTB, love

But neither should you accept his attempts to get you to STFU about it, by trying to make it look like you are the bad one here

That is down to him

Did he make an appt ?

Something similar happened to my SIL but it was a hereditary disease only told after 2nd child born. She has stayed with her DH but trust was severely shaken. I would not gave married my DH if he was infertile. You have been cheated he only didn't tell you because you might not have married him, not because he didn't think it was a problem.

I would suggest going to the Drs with him for support i he wants - he will need to explain to the GP what the procedure was he had etc.
Also if you go you will know what the Dr has said, as if he is anxious he might not take it all in.
Do you know if he was actually told it might have affected his fertility, or if he is just worried he was not given all the info himself?
Most likely they will want a sample to test, the results should only take a couple of weeks if they do, but he may have to be referred to fertility clinic first so it might be longer wait overall.

Totally understand you being hurt by him not telling you!
But understand you wanting to support him

Christ, how did I forget so quickly that he said the 'I've been worrying for ages' bit?! So he is definitely lying :(

Also agree with you all about not waiting for the test results. I need to decide whether I can get over this or not. And see what he has to say for himself.

He's just come home - will try to update once we've talked. Thanks all for being the voices of reason.

You're in shock, and he seems like quite a skilled liar. All in all, I would say don't make any decisions based on today's conversation. Use it to gather information and to express your feelings as clearly as you can.

My DH had similar as a teenager (operation and mumps) and didn't tell me until we'd spent a year ttc. But he really wasn't lying, it just never occurred to him that there might be a problem. He studied physics not biology at high school, and doesn't have much of a clue about bodies.

Anyway, on the very same day we went for his test results, we got a BFP . Based on the very low sperm count, the GP must have wondered if I'd had an affair!

So don't despair, and don't ruin an otherwise good relationship. Good luck!

Surely there's a point where people are getting serious about each other where they say, "Would you like children?" Surely that was his opportunity to say, "I would love them but think I need to be tested first as I had something wrong with me when I was a child." If he'd said that, the OP wouldn't have a problem.

It's just so deceitful on a fundamental level, the way he's done it. He should have told you before you got engaged and certainly before you married. And yes, it might have been a dealbreaker for you, but he didn't give you that chance?

I would be incredibly hurt and would want a bit of time apart, tbh.

I don't like the way he's trying to shut you down, and make you somehow in the wrong for rightfully being possed off about this. Coupled with the deceit, it's not covering him with glory, is it? He sounds too immature to be a father right now, problem or not.

I agree, I think his reaction is very unfair. You are allowed to be upset. This is a big thing to hold back from someone and I can't really understand how it wouldn't come up in conversation unless he was willfully disguising it. It clearly has been on his mind and he seems to have big fears that it would turn a girlfriend off, hence fixating on the mistaken belief that you wouldn't have married him if you'd known.

You're allowed to be upset OP, anyone would be upset, and he should listen to what you're actually saying.

I would say this is probably a very difficult time for him too. He doesn't actually know the situation and seems to have made assumptions about an infertile man being unmarriable, and I suspect this preoccupation is distorting how he's reading your reaction.

did he make the appt ?

It's not quite the same but when I started dating my partner, I told him that I had had a hysterectomy several years earlier. I told him at the beginning so that he could make an informed decision as to whether he wanted to carry on with the relationship. I knew that he wanted children at some point in time. We have been together for 15 years in June. Telling him straightaway was very easy, it was just a few words. I think that not telling you OP, was cruel and deceitful.

I would be more angry about lying, and deliberately deceiving you about his fertility, until after you were married, than the fertility issues themselves.

The man is a liar. What other things could he lie about?

He has known for some time that there was a risk.
He has not told you.
He is minimising.
He is twisting what you say when you try to explain your pov.

I wasn't saying LTB, as I did think that with complete honesty, openness, remorse, and so on, there was no reason not to make a very good marriage, with or without children.

However, having read onward after my post, I gotta say he doesn't sound like a keeper.

I agree with some others. He has fundamentally breached your trust. Even if he doesn't feel you should feel that you do feel that and he shouldn't be minimising your feelings.

He shouldn't be minimising his behaviour either or turning things round onto you or avoiding doing something to sort things out.

I think you should reserve judgement about the relationship and not be too hasty to say you don't want to split up. I agree he does not sound mature or responsible enough to have children with.

I think it was nasty, controlling and manipulative to have not piped up in all the conversations you've had and to wait until he has married you. Makes me wonder if he thinks he now has you trapped and he can do what he wants because you can't leave.

I'm really sorry, OP.

I just wanted to say that I can't imagine how I'd react to this. Of course it isn't his fertility, it's that he didn't bother to tell you. I'd either take that to mean that he thinks that you are shallow enough to only want him if he wants kids, or that he didn't trust you to know. Both are painful.

I hope he's got answers for you, and he can explain why he worried to himself rather than letting you know.

All the best.

I'm very sorry, OP.

I worry that he might be telling you the bare minimum now; preparing you, if you like. The truth may be worse and he needs to go to an appointment. He should do that for you even if he's not interested or more likely, knows the outcome.

I'm sorry to look on the very black side here but he would have probably readily told you about 'minor' fertility issues that can more easily be fixed. I really hope that I'm wrong.

Best wishes for a good outcome for you, OP and, if you decide that you are going to stand by him, he needs to know that you will not be tricked again. Either he believes in your power as a couple or he doesn't, but he doesn't get to manoeuvre you like this EVER AGAIN. I'm really angry for you.

Whoa, this is all a little bit basic. However old fashioned it may sound, most of us get married because of the procreation of children bollocks. he had prior knowledge that materially affected your decision making and chose not to share. So when you made your vows to love, honour etc in sickness and in health etc, you were not fully informed. he's broken the basic contract of marriage (procurement manager emoticon)

I would be gutted, it's a game changer. I've been married twice, the first time children weren't on the horizon but a definite future possibility; I shared the information that I had had a termination several years earlier that might affect my fertility (it didn't). The second, we were planning children prior to marriage so I had a full health check, as did he and we shared the results. Even though DH2 turned out to be a complete controlling cunt I wouldn't have played it differently. I also have herpes which dh2 knew prior to commencement of our sexual relationship which was a far from easy conversation but them's the breaks.

I cannot, to any degree, understand why he didn't share this information with you prior to marriage other than because he was scared you wouldn't go forward and that says everything.

It is possible he absolutely knows what impact his childhood problem would have on his fertility and that is why he is dragging his feet re. making an appt

he may be aware he is going to get found out

How old are you? I really hope he hasn't done this knowing that it is too late for you to find someone else to have children with. I feel very angry with him just reading your posts, you must be furious. His lying about how much he knew and manipulating things to make it your fault he has upset you are really awful. I have been through fertility problems, it is difficult and you need to be able to rely on each other. He doesn't sound like someone you can rely on.

I would be very angry that he deliberately withheld that.