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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH, secrets and.. basically I'm scared

112 replies

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 14:49

Me and DH are extremely happily married, will have our first anniversary a month today. Had been together for four years ish before we got married.

Last night, god knows how it came up in conversation, but he let slip that (due to something a bit personal on his part that I'd rather not go into) his chances of having children may be extremely hindered.

I'm shocked. We were planning on ttc in 6 months or so and I have been blissfully unaware. He told me he's been worrying himself senseless for ages and has been too scared to tell me / go and get fertility tested. Mostly, I just can't help but feel like he should have told me this so much sooner than a year into our marriage.

I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I'm so scared that we'll find out we can't have children and that it will come between us. I know lots of people go through this and have seen first hand how much strain it can place on people (a couple I know had problems and it drove them apart eventually).

I could have been prepared to deal with this if he'd told me before we got married but I feel like that has been taken away from me.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I hope this isn't the wrong board for this. I'm just shocked and upset. He's being awkward about going to get tested, saying he's embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to think about anything else until he sees a doctor :(

OP posts:
MyNameIsKenAdams · 17/02/2014 15:39

He shouldnt have hidden this from you. However what he needs to do now is prove how sorry he is by bucking up his ideas and (1) getting tests done (2) looking into fertility treatments (3) having a conversation about trust and whether he has any other pretty major skeletons in his closet.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 15:40

The OP probably wouldn't have acted differently if they'd known this information earlier - they'd still be married - but at least it would have been an informed choice. It's like dreaming about applying for a mortgage one day and finding out your new husband had been convicted of credit card fraud in the past but forgot to mention it

Theas18 · 17/02/2014 15:42

I'm with forevermore. He doesn't know he's infertile, just that he might be- I'm guessing a late treated undescended testicle? case it's hardly the biggest most embarrassing secret in the world (but I can see how it might feel like it to him).

As long as you are both not mid 40's there actually wouldn't be any harm in TTC as planned for a few months and seeing the doc if nothing happens.

It only takes 1 sperm and all that.....

I can see that he's been not " lying" to you but probably totally terrified you'll run a mile and the more he didn't say anything, the bigger that mountain becomes...

Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 15:46

Thanks Cogito, that sums it up really well actually :( And sorry if I'm being a bit oversensitive. Yelp4help if you read my OP properly, you would see that A) I genuinely love my husband and am certainly not looking for validation that it's okay to leave him - I have in fact specifically said that I don't intend to, and B) I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this in real life as it is so personal to my husband. It would upset him to know that my friends are aware of it, but the worry has been eating me up today and it's really helped to read other peoples responses. It's called support, which is what these forums are here for.

I suggest you don't bother posting in relationships where people are clearly looking for advice that they cannot get from friends and family.

OP posts:
Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 15:48

I dont think financial fraud is linked in anyway to being scared about how fertile you are. ignore the more caustic opinions op if you want a fair view!

kerala · 17/02/2014 15:49

Dh told me on our third date that a year before we met he had randomly caught adult onset mumps the worst sort that can lead to infertility. Bless him even though he was single at the time and feeling like death with the sodding mumps he raced to the donor clinic and stored some before the mumps had a chance to affect that final cycle.

Both dds conceived naturally within 6 months. My friends dh given very bad test results they were both devastated. Now have 3 naturally conceived kids...

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 15:56

DH has just emailed from work as I asked him whether he'd made an appointment yet.. He is going to ring on his break.

He's just said that he didn't really realise the operation might hinder his fertility very much. Don't know whether that's true or not. He said he didn't tell me about the late descended thing (you were right, Theas18) because he didn't see the need and it is embarrassing.. Also asked whether I would've said no to marrying him if I'd known there'd be a problem :( I said of course not.

Maybe I'm overreacting as some have said but I just feel a bit sad and distracted.

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/02/2014 16:04

I think he's missing the point. The issue is not whether or not he is fertile. Of course you wouldn't NOT marry him because of that, nor leave him because of it now. How does he intend to heal this breach of trust? What will stop him doing it the next time there's something embarrassing or difficult to tell you?

By focusing on the part of this that isn't his fault, you are telling him it's okay to lie to you. Which you know it isn't. And frankly that's the bit he should be ashamed of you telling other people - the other thing is just a medical fact.

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 16:10

Yelp: I can't make head or tail of any of your posts so why bother?

No he did wrong, he should have told you this, it's major. You know now and have decided to stay and work things through with him so no point in anyone going on about punishing him for that, you do not want to.

And yes, until he is texted, no point in worrying.

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 16:11

Tested, not Texted!

givemeaclue · 17/02/2014 16:11

Op, my dh had similar operation as a very young child and he never knew it could affect him in future years. Long story short, we had to have Ivf treatment. Which took 5 years of cycles, and cost £17k and a lot of heartache along the way. Your situation may be, and I hope it is, Very different. Go to the appointment together and get the facts. It is important to approach this together and you need to be involved.

Best of luck to you. I am not commenting on the fact he kept it secret as you already had slots of advice on that.

Best of luck to you and I hope it all turns out well.

Joysmum · 17/02/2014 16:12

This is the time for both if you to be very honest with one another. If you don't express how much you love him and want to be with him whilst at the same time saying what you've said here about trust etc then this will colour your future more than if you hadn't dealt with the feeling you both will have.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 16:15

" let me say that i suspect this poster is vehemently anti men,"

I love men. I'm anti-dickheads. :)

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 16:22

Yelp is trying to wind up the mummies. Best ignored.

OP, your husband must make the appt. Not you. Do not accept any "embarassment" or shilly-shallying around from him. He lied to you by omission and this is his responsibility to put it right by ensuring you both have all the facts at your disposal.

FWIW, I had a fertility issue that I knew could affect my future chances of getting pg when I married my H. The difference is, he knew about it every step of the way and made an informed choice to go into it together. As it happens, I did need fertility treatment and that process in itself is so horrendously stressful (and tbh, the bulk of unpleasant medical procedures is borne by the female, I am afraid, regardless of specific male/female factors) that if there is any resentment from either of you, it will make it even more difficult. Many marriages don't survive infertility issues and starting from such a poor grounding of trust is a bad sign, I am afraid.

This a big thing, and you should have been told.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 16:23

this is

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/02/2014 16:54

I would not be feeling good about starting a family with someone who could be so dishonest.

And someone whose love for me was so much less than their love for themselves, that they would put their own interests (keeping me around) above mine (giving me the option to leave and find someone who didn't have potential fertility issues).

I wouldn't leave someone if they had this problem and told me. But if they hid it for 5 years and didn't tell me until after they were married, I would think they were not a person I wanted to trust my happiness with.

Jux · 17/02/2014 17:06

So he's been thoroughly dishonest, has lied to you repeatedly and encouraged you in your desire for motherhood while knowing (to all intents and purposes) that he can't father children.

However, you love him enough to overlook it all and forgive him.

Does this remain true if he keeps putting off being tested - due to embarrassment no doubt.

Where is the line, op? You've spent countless hours talking about children, the children you will have together. No hint of a "what if there's a problem conceiving?" from him?

And once you've forgiven this enormous massive lie, what will you forgive next?

What do you expect from him? What do you expect from anyone who has betrayed you? How is he to show that he is trustworthy again? How is he to make up this lost ground? How is this field to be repaired.

You have only been married a very short time. You really have to think very very hard about how to ensure this does not set the tenor of the rest of your lives together.

Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 17:07

Thanks for all of the comments, I really appreciate the replies.

He said he's upset by my insinuation that he has betrayed my trust.. I feel he has. I've tried explaining that I deserved to know before going into the marriage but he thinks that means I'm saying I wouldn't have married him if I'd known.

He is still maintaining that he had the op when he was 9 years old and therefore wasn't aware that it could affect your fertility and it hasn't crossed his mind really. I don't know if this is an excuse.

I've said I don't want to argue about it, but we need a serious conversation. He'll be home in half an hour and we will talk it out then - he better have made an appointment or I won't be very happy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 17:08

I hope he has made an appt too.

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 17:10

That's not good, he's actually denying he has done much wrong and is putting it on you in that you may have not married him if you knew, so unfair and a childish tactic to take the heat off him. The more I read the more I wonder if you can actually trust this man.

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 17:10

And he's upset!!!!???

Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 17:17

I do love him but I am not blinded by that. Clearly I'm not overlooking it, or I wouldn't even be posting. I'm very upset and unhappy with the way he's handled this.

However I am not going to rashly just LTB without even thinking/talking it through properly, or waiting to see what the results of the test are.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 17:19

I do hear what you're saying about trusting him though. God I can't even believe this isn't thread :(

OP posts:
Original poster
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/02/2014 17:19

Can't type. Meant to say 'I can't believe this is my thread'.

OP posts: