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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Constant harassment from ex

34 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 16/02/2014 17:22

Hi me exp moved out 5ish weeks ago and since that day I've had daily calls, texts and harassment.
I've been allowing contact with our two ds as I believe it's the right thing to do, however he continues to verbally abuse me in front of them. It reached a new level today when he called me a f-ing cunt, a slut and said he hopes I die from AIDs.
I've decided enough is enough, I can't have my house windows open or blinds open. I can't put rubbish out in case he's lurking.
Problem I have is contact and how to stop this harassment. I tried contacting womens aid but couldn't get through.
Does anyone have advice please?

OP posts:

TeenyW123 · 16/02/2014 19:19

Call the police on 101 and tell them what he's doing. At least if the incidents are logged you can call them any time if he turns up in person and starts haranguing you. They'll put you down as a priority if you feel you need to call 999.

You need a third party to help with the handover of the kids. Do you know any one?

How old are your children? What he's doing is abusing them too.

Can you get a new phone so he only has contact details for the one? Then you can just look at 'his' phone every couple of days. Keep communication to details of kids only.

Keep evidence of the nasty ones. Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not, first thing tomorrow is to make a few appointments for the free half hour they provide. Go with whoever makes you feel most comfortable and on your side. Show the sol you pick the texts he's been sending you. There might be enough for a non mol order. If the children are old enough they might be able to quote the nasty things he's saying to you and further support your evidence, although I'd understand if you didn't want to expose them any more than necessary. But exposed they have been already.

He's still getting a kick out if controlling you. And you're letting him. Take back the control.

Tbh, he's shooting himself in the foot if he thinks his continuing abusive behaviour to you in front of the children will strengthen his case. Quite the opposite. I'd wait for other posters to support this but the amount of abuse you suggest would probably make it a no no for your children to visit unless he drastically curbs his behaviour.

Ballsballsballs · 16/02/2014 19:20

Call the police on 101. What he is doing is illegal, and he should not be doing it.

My ex was cautioned for harrassment years ago and he wasn't even as bad.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 16/02/2014 19:46

I've had the police out twice since he left, once he was outside banging on the windows trying to get in, second time was on Friday when he wouldn't leave my house when I asked him to.
Police advised me to get a contact order in place but this seems counter productive to me, like doing him a favour because he could never afford to apply for a contact order. They have said they could only arrest him for breach of the peace I think, but he's usually gone by the time they get here.
My children are 2.5 and 6m, the older one will not go with his dad -that's why I had been allowing contact in my house.
I'm planning on arranging a solicitors appointment in the morning. Although I've told ex he's not seeing the kids tomorrow he's answered me by saying he'll see me in the morning - his way of making me wonder and worry that he could turn up at any time. I know he's not interested in the kids , he just uses them to get at me.

OP posts:

TeenyW123 · 17/02/2014 08:09

A contact order will spell out to your ex exactly when he's allowed to have the children. But it really sounds like it would be best if he didn't see them at all as they're so young for 1, and your eldest is scared for 2.

You are ALL being abused by this nasty man. Keep trying with WA. They'll see the potential danger you and your children are in and step in to help.

Lweji · 17/02/2014 08:14

You should report all instances of harassment and tell him you'll meet him elsewhere not at home.
If you find it too much insist on a contact centre or no contact, in which case he'd have to go to court himself.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 17/02/2014 08:49

Thanks again for the advice. I've told him no contact for now until I get something in place to protect us.

OP posts:

Offred · 17/02/2014 09:12

You can get orders in place through ncdv.org

Offred · 17/02/2014 09:12

Orders to protect you that is

Charley50 · 17/02/2014 09:42

Well done! You take control and get contact order / contact centre etc set up. You'll be setting him boundaries that he has to legally comply with. He's a bulky and trying to intimidate you, counting on you not getting support. Sorry you are going through this. I went through similar.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 19:06

Ok so have gotten a lot of advice this week, been told He wouldn't get a contact order because I'm already offering him as much contact as he wants, as long as he picks them up from someone else.
He's refusing to do this and now hasn't seen them since Sunday. DS was already reluctant to go with him to say the least so it's only going to get worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best. I'm sticking to my guns but am worried the kids are missing out on their dad, ds shows no signs of unhappiness, quite the opposite. Do I stick to what I've said at the risk that ex will never agree?

OP posts:

Hissy · 20/02/2014 19:33

Protect your babies FROM this man.

Don't facilitate contact. Let him make the effort and insist it's on your terms.

You have to operate in the dc best interests, them seeing him isn't it.

He sounds dangerous, and the kind of man that'd hurt his dc just to get to you.

Hissy · 20/02/2014 19:34

Your ds is crying out NOT to go to his dad. Please listen!

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 19:39

Yes I'm really trying my best to protect my children. I'm still insisting contact goes through a third party, I was advised that this was fair and if he went for a contact order he wouldn't be given one as I'm already being cooperative.
Ds is the only one old enough to be affected and I can honestly say he's happier now than when we were together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 19:40

If I stop contact all together I believe a court would order it.

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 20/02/2014 19:43

Sounds like your ex was trying to use the contact to control you. As you're no longer playing the game, he's thrown his toys out of the pram. Let him get on with it.
When he's ready to resume contact in a manner that's acceptable to you, (having grown up in the meantime and having learnt to treat the mother of his children with respect in front of them), that's a different story but for now enjoy the peace you have. Every time he appears at yours, call the police - it's harassment.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 19:47

It's so difficult, ex has brought all of this on himself and he just can't see it. He thinks that by constantly harassing me I'll somehow change my mind and beg him to come back.
Truth is I've never been happier than now, just me and the children. I feel the need to protect them, I would never have made contact difficult if ex had just been civil about things.

OP posts:

ThinkFirst · 20/02/2014 20:02

Call the police each time he harasses you. Keep a diary and note everything he does, the harassment, what he says and does, the contact he doesn't turn up for, the times he turns up out of the blue, your DS reaction everytime his F tries to take him.

See a solicitor about the option of getting a non molestation order against him, make sure he's not allowed near your home and set up contact at a contact centre.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 20:17

It's more the texting at the minute. He absolutely refuses to go through a third party and is accusing me of not allowing contact. Sometimes I think he's trying to drive me insane.
The latest is he wants ds on sat from 9.30-7 and will be bringing him back to the house. I can't let him take my child for that length of time when I know he'll be upset the whole day.
I don't want to appear to be using the children in some power game if this goes to court but I think I'm being reasonable in what I'm proposing.
To be honest I think it's getting to the point where it will have to be supervised contact as ds will be so reluctant to go.

OP posts:

ThinkFirst · 20/02/2014 20:32

Keep the texts, if you have proof that he is refusing to go through a third party when you have been reasonable that will not look good for him. If you have proof of him harassing you then your request for contact through a third party will not be seen as unreasonable. (it's not unreasonable anyway, you haven't tried to stop contact, you are perfectly entitled to not want to see your ex).

Get legal advise, get something legal put in place and he won't be able to harass you any more without consequences to himself.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 20:36

Thanks thinkfirst, I have seen a solicitor and also spoke to a Gingerbread advisor. Both said not to get a contact order so I don't know how I can get a more formal agreement.
I think I'll offer him certain days/times via a third party and leave the rest to him / if he doesn't see them that's his problem.
I've taken screen shots of his messages but have now blocked his number from calling/ texting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 20/02/2014 20:44

There is actually no reason that I can think of why he should have a problem with picking them up/ dropping them off with someone else.
Does anyone know, if ds gets upset does he have to go with his dad? I'm just aware that if there are contact orders the children seemed to be forced to go whether they want to or not.

OP posts:

Hissy · 22/02/2014 07:14

Contact is for the benefit of the child, not the parent.

If your son isn't ready or willing to spend that or any amount of time with someone, then he has to be heard.

If your ex isn't sensitive to his son's needs/feelings, then you have to be and take the appropriate decisions.

Be strong, your ex will continue to harass, but you have to ignore him, carry on with what you know is right, and report the harassment to the appropriate authorities.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 22/02/2014 07:17

Thanks Hissy, I thought contact was enforced whether the child wanted it

OP posts:

Charley50 · 22/02/2014 07:58

Hi OP, I think he may be demanding the whole day contact as another way to get back into your life. He knows you aren't happy with him alone with the kids so thinks you might give in and let him back. My ex was horrendous to me but my DS was never scared to see him. Your DS is scared for a reason. I would only allow contact at a contact centre, there should be one locally. If ex doesn't comply let him take you to court. His texts are harassment I'd ignore them and call police if he turns up at your home. He needs to understand that you are strong enough to protect yourself and your children. So sorry for you that you are going through this.

Lweji · 22/02/2014 08:04

The problem with children not wanting to go is similar to not wanting to go to school. It's for their benefit and we should work on convincing them to go or tell them that they have to.
But... if you have reason to believe that it is not to their benefit, then you should support them and not force them to go.
You will have to assess if your son is picking up on the tension or simply prefers to be at home, or if your ex is abusive towards him.

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