My partner is on Match.com... happy fucking valentines!

[LazyFaire]

Went to grab an email I sent myself; a picture of the cupcakes me and DS baked for his dad for V Day (total spur of the moment, wasn't going to do anything we're actually not that fussed with Valentines either of us!)

Typed in email site and my partner must have clicked 'keep me logged in', because it went straight to his account. Well I am not one for snooping but he has emails, new and read, from match.com. They were right there on the first page. Dating back to last August although he could have been on longer and deleted them. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on one - they are all the automated 'here are your latest matches' or whatever, not personal mail.

I went to his profile and it is blank, no picture and only minimal information. He doesn't seem to be in contact with anyone. It's probably still set up from before we were together (although that is over 5 years now - and we also had a relationship at school for a few years too, we are now both 25) but WHY does he still have an account and WHY is he still at least checking the emails, but not deleting them? It seems like there's a big gap between some, like he is keeping them and deleting others... Maybe they have women he likes the look of in?

Just not really sure what do do with this, say something, leave it, try and keep an eye on it? I exited his account so I could get to my emails but now sort of wish I had kept it open. WHY THE HELL DID I HAVE TO FIND THIS WHEN LOOKING FOR A PICTURE OF HIS FUCKING VALENTINES DAY CUPCAKES FOR FUCKS SAKE! Totally put a downer on mine and DS cupcake baking morning. (not for DS, he's unaware, but for me!) Now I am in a shitty mood. It's like I've been shat on because I actually bothered to do anything for V Day. We might not have the perfect relationship but I would rather he a) made an attempt at making our relationship better or b) dumped me and went to find someone else, than this 'keeping an eye on the market' as it would appear to be...

Ok, this is the wrong advice, but I'm going to say it anyway.

1. Don't say a word.

2. Set up a Match account yourself from somewhere else.

3. Approach your husband's account.

4. Report back.

Love Loggs idea, but I am one for revenge

He's a man! Men don't delete things. My husband receives all sorts of crap on his email account. Clearly just an old thing he hasn't got round to sorting out.

I would just be upfront with him about it and say, Oi, what's with the match.com? You'll be able to tell from his reaction if he has anything to hide. But seriously. I think he's just been a lazy man here!

Yeah, not going to be turning my relationship into a popcorn-worthy thread on MN thanks.

Purple that is my honest main thought, that he just hasn't bothered to delete/junk/block the updates, but they have been read... so I kind of want to know why!

To be fair, these sites are VERY hard to get away from. My husband still gets emails telling him of potential matches, even though he's tried for years to tell them he's no longer interested.

If it doesn't look like he's actively using an account, that's a positive, surely.

It is Melanie and I won't be jumping down his throat about it anyway.

Just not sure if it's worth having a discussion about or should I just trust and let it go..

It might be that's he's just too lazy to delete the account. Have you logged into match.com as him to see if he's messaged anyone. If you have his email open should be easy to get reminder if his log in details. Hope it's nothing to sorry about.

I think I would do what Logg1e suggests, although it would be very difficult. At least then you would have absolute proof and he would be unable to worm his way out of it.

Sorry I mean proof either way and he wouldn't be able to worm his way out of anything.

If it was secretive he'd have been more discreet surely?

I'd call him up on it as soon as you get the opportunity. Ask him to log into it and delete the account in front of you.

They are quite hard to close sometimes. I set one up because of a thread on here. Took bloody ages to stop the emails coming after I'd closed the account.

How long have you been together? I signed up for craploads of dating sites a while back after I split with XP. I am now happily in a new relationship (courtesty of one of said dating sites) but I still receive emails from Match, Guardian Soulmates, PlentOfFish, OKCupid.... you get the picture.

Turning them off requires logging into the actual site, remembering the password and finding the setting (which will be different for each site) to delete the account or stop the emails.

They're really easy to sign up to, but it takes a fair bit longer to de-reg!

If his profile is blank and there is no picture, I can't imagine he's actively using it. If there is no evidence of messages or anything, and you've been together less than a few years, I'd just assume he's never got round to registering.

How awful for you.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and just tell him what happened...calmly!
My husband never clears his emails - drives me mad...just laziness in his case, could be the same with your DH?
Good luck.

I'm with logg. That is the only way you will know for sure what he does when an eager female approaches him.

Why does he read them? For the same reaso I read emails from recruitera despite being happily employed -nosinesa I aassume

I personally wouldn't do it, because I'd just wait for my partner to get home tonight and ask him why he was getting emails from a dating site.

However, I fully understand your point about you not wanting to discuss your relationship dilemmas on the internet for people to read and comment on, so sorry if I caused offence.

Deregistering, even!

It doesn't sound disastrous to me. These companies will send you emails forever.

I have a match.com account from when my bro joined and wanted me to look at his profile. 5yrs later I still get the emails. I also get mail occasionally from a lesbian dating agency that I joined about 15ish years ago. I am lazy and don't delete emails or unsubscribe. Is your DP a lazy fucker who doesn't manage his inbox?

I also accidentally open emails on my phone all the time, doesn't mean I'm reading them. Does he have fat fingers?

Open the email, scroll to bottom - click on 'unsubscribe' or add the emails to junk/spam.

Then when you see him next say 'oh it's weird I went on to my email and your email was still logged on - bloody match.com still emailing you eh?' and see what he says... if he looks guilty or snaps - it's dodgy. If he laughs it off he probably is just as baffled as you about it?

I still get emails about an ancient account I have and I always look at who I'm matched with haha - they are usually complete goons and it's only a giggle. Would never contact, etc.

Really hope it's innocent and that you soon feel better. Good luck and happy v day (eat the cupcake!) x

I get loads of emails like that. joined a couple of sites for work reasons and they never leave me alone. Usually I just delete them but if I get lots of emails in one day they get shoved down the page and forgotten. if I get a phone alert for an email and I open it it will display the email as read even though ive not really read it. Hopefully you've got nothing to worry about. he just sounds crap at inbox management like me.

I'd do what Log said. I've done something similar in the past and found out all I needed to know. I wouldn't have done the reporting back here thing though.

Trevor I am desperately in need of a cupcake! But still leaving them till he gets in.

Happy the general consensus is it's probably nothing... will try and have a talk between him coming home from work and me going to work, or it might have to wait til later tonight...

I am 99% sure it's just lazy inbox management but wanted a 2nd, 3rd, however many of you there are opinion thanks for easing my mind a little!