My partner is on Match.com... happy fucking valentines!

[LazyFaire]

Went to grab an email I sent myself; a picture of the cupcakes me and DS baked for his dad for V Day (total spur of the moment, wasn't going to do anything we're actually not that fussed with Valentines either of us!)

Typed in email site and my partner must have clicked 'keep me logged in', because it went straight to his account. Well I am not one for snooping but he has emails, new and read, from match.com. They were right there on the first page. Dating back to last August although he could have been on longer and deleted them. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on one - they are all the automated 'here are your latest matches' or whatever, not personal mail.

I went to his profile and it is blank, no picture and only minimal information. He doesn't seem to be in contact with anyone. It's probably still set up from before we were together (although that is over 5 years now - and we also had a relationship at school for a few years too, we are now both 25) but WHY does he still have an account and WHY is he still at least checking the emails, but not deleting them? It seems like there's a big gap between some, like he is keeping them and deleting others... Maybe they have women he likes the look of in?

Just not really sure what do do with this, say something, leave it, try and keep an eye on it? I exited his account so I could get to my emails but now sort of wish I had kept it open. WHY THE HELL DID I HAVE TO FIND THIS WHEN LOOKING FOR A PICTURE OF HIS FUCKING VALENTINES DAY CUPCAKES FOR FUCKS SAKE! Totally put a downer on mine and DS cupcake baking morning. (not for DS, he's unaware, but for me!) Now I am in a shitty mood. It's like I've been shat on because I actually bothered to do anything for V Day. We might not have the perfect relationship but I would rather he a) made an attempt at making our relationship better or b) dumped me and went to find someone else, than this 'keeping an eye on the market' as it would appear to be...

If you do a google you will find countless posts from people complaining about how they have found it impossible to cancel or delete their match/datingdirect (same company now with profiles appearing on both sites) profiles.

I have a profile on there that I have not used in years. I keep changing the settings not to receive email but I still get emails of 'my matches' or emails telling me that someone has looked at my profile. Only today I had to delete a bundle of such emails.

There are lots of posts online from people claiming that they keep being billed even though they have tried to quit the sites.

a friend of ours came to my house a few months ago, now she was splitting up with her dh but had found he was on dating sites.

so we started snooping, and dh did it for us.

since then he is getting bombarded with bloody hundreds of emails from them.

could it be something as innocent as that?

I joined match but cancelled straight away after meeting my dp on another site.

I still get bombarded with emails too.

The problem here is that the OH has admitted to joining while with the OP...

He was also rather stupid not to set up a different email account for dating sites.

OK I sort of figured I would get this response after the follow-up. (Even a LTB, my very first!) I'm not going for blind trust but I also don't feel like it's 'my fault' or that that's what he wants me to feel. I don't particularly want to go into our whole history but it is almost 1/3 of our lives and I don't intend to throw it all away. Will take all concern and advice as it was intended though, and while trying to work on our relationship I will not forget. I'm prepared to trust once given what we've been through together already.

Do you think he realises all that?
Does he know that slip ups and he's off?

From your previous post, you actually reassured him you were not going anywhere despite him looking for alternatives while still with you.

Be careful he doesn't take it as permission to do it again when you hit a difficult patch. He may actually find an alternative then instead of working it out with you.

I don't particularly want to go into our whole history but it is almost 1/3 of our lives and I don't intend to throw it all away. Will take all concern and advice as it was intended though, and while trying to work on our relationship I will not forget. I'm prepared to trust once given what we've been through together already.

You're a baby, it's very easy to rack up a third of your life together. This board is littered with people who tried to make relationships work with schoolyard sweethearts, it rarely works. If you ignore it now it's only going to get harder to walk away as you'll be raking up even more time together.

But no one can accuse you of not walking into trouble with your eyes wide open.

I'm sorry I don't get it...he was looking at a dating site because he felt insecure, and he looked at who was available with a "what would I do without you?" Type of vibe. Am I reading it right?

His excuse is bollocks but so is your acceptance of it, OP. Fair enough that you want to get past this and stay together, but I think long term you may regret not challenging the ridiculousness of his excuse. It's reasonable for you to be upset and sceptical, and for him to be the one making amends.