Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is on Match.com... happy fucking valentines!

86 replies

LazyFaire · 14/02/2014 13:53

Went to grab an email I sent myself; a picture of the cupcakes me and DS baked for his dad for V Day (total spur of the moment, wasn't going to do anything we're actually not that fussed with Valentines either of us!)

Typed in email site and my partner must have clicked 'keep me logged in', because it went straight to his account. Well I am not one for snooping but he has emails, new and read, from match.com. They were right there on the first page. Dating back to last August although he could have been on longer and deleted them. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on one - they are all the automated 'here are your latest matches' or whatever, not personal mail.

I went to his profile and it is blank, no picture and only minimal information. He doesn't seem to be in contact with anyone. It's probably still set up from before we were together (although that is over 5 years now - and we also had a relationship at school for a few years too, we are now both 25) but WHY does he still have an account and WHY is he still at least checking the emails, but not deleting them? It seems like there's a big gap between some, like he is keeping them and deleting others... Maybe they have women he likes the look of in? Sad

Just not really sure what do do with this, say something, leave it, try and keep an eye on it? I exited his account so I could get to my emails but now sort of wish I had kept it open. WHY THE HELL DID I HAVE TO FIND THIS WHEN LOOKING FOR A PICTURE OF HIS FUCKING VALENTINES DAY CUPCAKES FOR FUCKS SAKE! Totally put a downer on mine and DS cupcake baking morning. (not for DS, he's unaware, but for me!) Now I am in a shitty mood. It's like I've been shat on because I actually bothered to do anything for V Day. We might not have the perfect relationship but I would rather he a) made an attempt at making our relationship better or b) dumped me and went to find someone else, than this 'keeping an eye on the market' as it would appear to be... Angry Sad

OP posts:
hickorychicken · 14/02/2014 17:39

May have already been said but isnt that a paid site? Could you check if hes paid for it recently?

FayKnights · 14/02/2014 17:44

I get emails from dating sites 'Christian Singles' is one I can think of and have never ever even been on a dating website!
Be upfront and ask him, you'll soon know if he is being dodgy or not, then you can deal with as appropriate.

hickorychicken · 14/02/2014 17:44

Or am i thinking of another site?

hickorychicken · 14/02/2014 17:46

My mil is having exact same problems with dp, i said to her stop being silly he just hasnt daactivated it but i say that because i know him, i domt know your OH so i couldnt say....helpful that,wasnt it Grin

Viviennemary · 14/02/2014 17:50

I'd do the joining up myself and arrange to meet. Make him squirm.

Only1scoop · 14/02/2014 17:51

You've been together 5 years and accounts on dating sites should have been deleted.

Only1scoop · 14/02/2014 17:52

To read the emails you have to be a paid up member I believe

GreeneedMonster · 15/02/2014 11:43

He has probably forgotten his match.com password. I had those emails come through for ages. I'd ask him about it and tell him you are upset but at least you didn't see any messages from other people suggesting he'd been in contact. Or go through his email again to make sure (like find out when he joined the site). Annoying but he hasn't done anything wrong yet

BafanaThesober · 15/02/2014 11:49

I have an eharmony account, been seeing someone for 8 months, just can't work out how to delete myself, using either my iPad or phone, and generally it's not a top priority when I occasionally go onto the laptop.
I am 100 committed, occasionally en them to see if there is an easy way to unsubscribe and then delete and move on with my day.
Tbh, I wouldn't be worried at all if I found dp had an account.

Original poster
LazyFaire · 15/02/2014 13:25

OK, SO Update...

Spoke to him last night before work and it turned into a bit of a fight as I realised it had our current postcode - we have moved since we first got together so it wasn't ages and ages ago!

Then had to go to work and had a shit night but got home and he had wrote me a letter explaining, he had a lot of fears about me leaving him and what he would do and well he was checking them and thinking how sad it was and what would he do if he didn't have me... he also deleted or deactivated the account and stopped the emails... (I've not asked him to let me see that but I do beleive him, I had only asked him to put them in junk!) He hadn't been paying for it as when I tried to access messages the first time it asked me to pay subscription fees (Jesus they're a rip-off too!)

I've reiterated I'm not going anywhere and we have a bit of work to do on making time for each other and speaking about stuff like this not leaving it to just deteriorate, we had a big cuddle and a chat and feel better. Don't think he will ever let go of this feeling that I will run off into the hills but as I explained we would never have got back together if I didn't want it to last forever! We went through far too much drama when we were younger. Still work to do but I think we are OK.

Flowers Thank you lovely people.

OP posts:
hickorychicken · 15/02/2014 13:41
Hmm He was on a dating site because hes scared of you leaving and wanted to see what was out there?! Im sorry op that sounds fucking ridiculous.
MatryoshkaDoll · 15/02/2014 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 15/02/2014 14:43

After that "explanation" the last thing I'd do would be to tell him I wasn't going anywhere. Rather tell him that this would be the fastest way to lose me.

frogslegs35 · 15/02/2014 14:56

At the start of the thread I gave him the BOD about lazy email management/ forgetting to deregister but after his explanation I'm a little Hmm
So he's keeping his options open and his beady eye on the next one incase you leave him - nice! Do you think if it ever happened, he'd leave a suitable time gap to cry/be upset/get over you or just log straight into match.com before you've even closed the garden gate.
It's upto you what you want to believe love but he's an arsehole, be careful.

BigPawsBrown · 15/02/2014 14:58

WTF?

Hopasholic · 15/02/2014 15:08

TBH if he'd said the elves had hijacked his account I'd be more inclined to believe him than that pile of crap. Really?????? How insulting! He's making a fool out of you op.

teaandthorazine · 15/02/2014 15:23

Oh pur-lease! He's scared of you leaving and checking out his online dating accounts just confirms how sad he'd be if you left? My heart bleeds for him Hmm

Nice how he's subtly making you responsible for his behaviour, OP, don't you think?

themaltesefalcon · 15/02/2014 15:31

I was all ready to say "It's nothing," as I still get e-mails from OKCupid from about seven years ado when I joined up to view the profile pictures of this hideous bloke who was texting this hilariously weirdy pervy shit to my best friend.

But,

  1. the new postcode and
  2. blaming it on you (subtly)-

Ghastly for you, OP.

Why did he rush to delete everything?

penguinplease · 15/02/2014 15:40

Vile. Step away, a liar caught out good and proper. You should have gone down the 'honeytrap' route.
Sorry, I never say this but ltb before you waste another 10 yrs on him. I speak from bitter experience.

Lweji · 15/02/2014 15:52

His excuse is like as if he was flirting with other women in the pub just in case you wanted to leave him. Would you accept it?

Only1scoop · 15/02/2014 16:25

Have you just scratched the surface.... Same happened to me years ago.... Was on about 7 sites. Did you meet on match? Or has He gone on after ....

Have heard some Incredulous excuses in my time but this?
Really??

Logg1e · 15/02/2014 16:26

Is this somebody's private relationship becoming the subject of a popcorn-munching thread?

sykadelic15 · 15/02/2014 20:22

Sorry but I agree with the others. His explanation is utter BS. He's keeping his eye out for something else. He's not fully committed sorry.

shey02 · 15/02/2014 23:38

He was scouting basically....

GinUtero · 16/02/2014 00:40

To those of you saying you have no idea how to delete your Match.com accounts, I met my now DH on the site. Neither of us could find a way to permanently deactivate our accounts online - we had to phone Match to request this.

If I were you I'd ask your DH how he deactivated the account, OP.