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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is on Match.com... happy fucking valentines!

86 replies

LazyFaire · 14/02/2014 13:53

Went to grab an email I sent myself; a picture of the cupcakes me and DS baked for his dad for V Day (total spur of the moment, wasn't going to do anything we're actually not that fussed with Valentines either of us!)

Typed in email site and my partner must have clicked 'keep me logged in', because it went straight to his account. Well I am not one for snooping but he has emails, new and read, from match.com. They were right there on the first page. Dating back to last August although he could have been on longer and deleted them. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on one - they are all the automated 'here are your latest matches' or whatever, not personal mail.

I went to his profile and it is blank, no picture and only minimal information. He doesn't seem to be in contact with anyone. It's probably still set up from before we were together (although that is over 5 years now - and we also had a relationship at school for a few years too, we are now both 25) but WHY does he still have an account and WHY is he still at least checking the emails, but not deleting them? It seems like there's a big gap between some, like he is keeping them and deleting others... Maybe they have women he likes the look of in? Sad

Just not really sure what do do with this, say something, leave it, try and keep an eye on it? I exited his account so I could get to my emails but now sort of wish I had kept it open. WHY THE HELL DID I HAVE TO FIND THIS WHEN LOOKING FOR A PICTURE OF HIS FUCKING VALENTINES DAY CUPCAKES FOR FUCKS SAKE! Totally put a downer on mine and DS cupcake baking morning. (not for DS, he's unaware, but for me!) Now I am in a shitty mood. It's like I've been shat on because I actually bothered to do anything for V Day. We might not have the perfect relationship but I would rather he a) made an attempt at making our relationship better or b) dumped me and went to find someone else, than this 'keeping an eye on the market' as it would appear to be... Angry Sad

OP posts:
Pigsmummy · 14/02/2014 14:21

My now DH and I nearly broke up over something similar. He got emails saying "your profile is now active" and "you have new mail" from a dating site email. He had deactivated his account years before, I found emails in same way as you, stewed for a few days then exploded and told him that I was leaving him.

He was bewildered by my fury and showed me the account, he hadn't been active in years but did then report the email as junk and looked at me sideways a bit oddly for a while.

Ask him, you did come across them by accident. If your relationship isn't great, could it be?

Stockhausen · 14/02/2014 14:22

Just ask him?

Lweji · 14/02/2014 14:22

Actually, setting up an account and sending him a message would clarify if he's actively using it or not.

You don't need to report to MN, of course. :)

Ellie58 · 14/02/2014 14:28

I once looked on dating sites for my uncle didn't set an account up but had a browse then told him how to do it and set himself one up this was nearly 2 years ago and I still received emails off them telling me my perfect match is waiting even though I never actually set an account up, if I were you I think I'd tell him what u found and see his reaction could be perfectly innocent and still get the valentines you wanted after all Smile

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 14/02/2014 14:30

He doesn't have pics and isn't active on there.

I still get emails all the time from old dating sites. Sometimes I click on it because I'm bored! Not because I'm looking around

WhateverTrevor83 · 14/02/2014 14:32

Ha - I always feel a bit cheeky having a nosy but then wonder how I'd feel if my DP popped up in my matches. haha!

Discomama · 14/02/2014 14:33

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.....I'd ask him, I bet he just hasn't deleted it. I met my DP on match.com, he gets at least 6 emails every day from "women"wanting hookups, they're all spam, and he's not bothered if I see them, I think today so far there's been Katy, Tatiana, Lydia, Helena.....it is a constant barrage of spam, it is so difficult to get away from these websites. I'd ask him though, probably just hasn't bothered deleting x

sooperdooper · 14/02/2014 14:34

I still occasionally get emails from dating sites, from years ago, I've been married for nearly 2 years and with DH for 3 years before then!!

If his account has no pics and no real info I say it's nothing more than he's never quite got around to totally unsubscribing to the emails, I wouldn't even bother mentioning it tbh

Original poster
LazyFaire · 14/02/2014 14:44

He's back now so I will leave MN and report back after we have a chat...

OP posts:
ShowMeSaturn · 14/02/2014 15:04

Don't honeytrap him, that's manipulative behaviour.

Monetbyhimself · 14/02/2014 15:50

I don't agree about them continuing to email. I've used both POF and Match and didn't receive a single email after I deactivated the accounts.

macystacy · 14/02/2014 15:53

With regards to the deleting things, I gave up ages ago on deleting, have nearly 20,000 emails in one of my internet accounts!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 14/02/2014 15:54

The main thing I got from the OP is that you're both 25 and the relationship needs work to make it better (your words).

Go and do that, OP. Thanks If it's like this now, what will it be like in ten years?

cafesociety · 14/02/2014 15:58

I went onto a site recently just to be nosey on someone else's behalf and have been bombarded with e mails ever since. I don't read them though, just delete.

Can't see anywhere to unsubscribe....will try harder.

theeverydaydancer · 14/02/2014 16:02

I registered with Match.com absolutely years ago and still get messages (sometimes I accidently click on the emails so therefore they look like they've been read). I also get emails from various other dating sites that I have registered with. Like so many others have said they are a pain in the arse to deregister from. I think the fact that his profile has no photo is a good sign. You will never ever get any attention on a dating site if you don't have a photo. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him about it tonight.

sykadelic · 14/02/2014 16:10

I keep getting updates from a job searching site "here are your latest matches". Drives me nuts. I've tried to stop it and have just given up and delete them in bulk from time to time.

Kandypane · 14/02/2014 16:14

I'm in a 15year happy relationship and I set up a match.com profile about a month ago for the sole purpose of looking up my mates profile as she wanted advice on whether it was any good. Haven't bothered to deactivate it yet.

Might be more innocent than you think?

X

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2014 16:16

I'm still on Match.
And with my OH beside me last night I logged in to try to deactivate my account.
I've no idea how to do it.
Looked everywhere.
I then got loads of emails of winks etc..... as I was online!
Anyway - need to sort it but until last night I hadn't been active for yonks.
It could be he just hasn't or can't deactivate his account.
It's not easy, I can tell you!
If there's hardly any info or anything I would this is a very old account.
Mine says I'm 2 years younger than I am it's been that long.

I suggest to talk to him about it.
It could be completely innocent!

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 14/02/2014 16:17

I wouldn't worry OP. I have accounts on dating sites that I had before I met DP, and he has the same. Neither of us have logged into them since we got together, but they're very persistent with their e-mails!

If his profile isn't active, he probably just signed up years ago. I also mark all of my e-mails as "read" to get rid of the icon on my phone. I don't actually read 99% of them!

GimmeDaBoobehz · 14/02/2014 16:34

I expect it's nothing.

I have emails from dating signs from 6 years ago. Cannot figure out how to delete them.

Proseccoisnotrah · 14/02/2014 16:47

It just sounds like an old account tbh, hence the lack of photo and info and he's probably just reading the emails out of curiosity and not following up. He'd be unlikely to get much interest from a blank profile tbh. I probably wouldn't think it was worth mentioning but definitely do if if will put your mind at rest.

SwimmingClose · 14/02/2014 17:02

I was once on Match. Waste of time! Deleted my account. End of.

WhileWeSleep · 14/02/2014 17:13

Are you sure he's not just sporadically selecting all unread emails and marking them as read? I do that. 90% of the emails in my inbox I haven't read, just marled them as read IYSWIM

chipsandpeas · 14/02/2014 17:25

i was on match a few years back and still get emails from them, altho they have been marked as junk and go into the junk mail box but i have no idea how to get rid of them, seems as if they will email you forever once they have your email addy

justshabby · 14/02/2014 17:35

Agree with above no photo and stuff is a good sign he's just been lazy about de-reging!

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