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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I actually hate my mil

426 replies

bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 09:17

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

OP posts:
springykyrie · 15/02/2014 18:57

x-post again! we're fair galloping along here.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 19:02

well...I guess she'll either start to control their lives and turn into a total nutcase infront of them or be as sweet as pie to them always...guess either way it's a win win, so lpng as I don't go to my aunts to escape amd fimd her sat there having a cup of tea...but thats a totally different nightmare all together!

OP posts:
Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 19:04

sorry about the typos. my phone is a nightmare and I've drunk half a bottle of wine at lunch and am cracking my way through another bottle at home.
note to self : do not let her turn you into and alcoholic.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 19:05

Sometimes Wine is the best crutch of them all! Grin

springykyrie · 15/02/2014 19:10

A wee tip here: do't let her know you don't want her getting thick with your family. (In fact, don't let her know anything that is important to you.) Let's hope she just turns on the sunbeam charm with anyone to hand and that, hopefully, she doesn't see that being thick with your family serves her too much in the end. Narcs are very specific about what they want - and are prepared to play the long-game to get - even though it's against a background hum of getting everyone under their general spell iyswim.

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 19:16

Shock springy, once again is spot on (I'm not stalking you, honest)

My pils tried to "get in" with my gran (they knew very well that she was a bitch and that I disliked her a lot - various reasons, I was trying to be open and honest with them but it backfired).

My aunt (identified her as a narc last year) in turn tried to get in with my pils.

Shit this thread is an eye opener.

Sorry to derail your thread Beth Blush

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 19:21

ha. Don't be sorry. I find it all very interesting and i'll probably be put in a similar situation with my mil sooner or later. Blush

OP posts:
springykyrie · 15/02/2014 19:28

bitter experience, sadly, ohfour Sad

If you hide your hand, beth, she won't have anything to exploit (to cause maximum damage Sad )

(Sorry about all the Sad s but it is so fucking sad eh)

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 19:34

certainly is sad. my family have always said choose your man wisely but nobody warned me about the in laws! something I will make sure I do for my dd. I cant believe how many people have the same sort of issue Sad

OP posts:
Jux · 15/02/2014 19:35

Beth, give your oh a chance. He did really well saying no to her today. OK so it wasn't exactly how you had planned, but jumping in straight away with a "no thank you" is much harder than giving an excuse. Believe me, he did well. It's a hard path for him.

He may find it easier to be assertive if you do it first and he's backing you up. So next time, you do the "no thank you" bit, because it will be a lot easier for you to do. Let him walk before he runs, as it were.

Mind you, no contact will be a lot easier for all of you!

Oh, and dress your dd how you dress her. Stop pandering to MIL's desire to put her in My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding crap. It is quite easy to not accept completely inappropriate clothes too. You can say that dd simply doesn't wear things like that and you hate pink, and they're impossible to keep clean etc etc thank you very much, but could you get her a pair of jeans instead that would be fab.

brooncoo · 15/02/2014 19:37

Oh don't worry, I have plenty of experience of being round abusive toxic people - to all the snidey 'normal' and don't have a clue posts. Would have much preferred to have to deal with toxic inlaw rather than grow up with a toxic and abusive parent but as you were. And I only mentioned my inlaws as I appreciate I have it lucky there compared to some folk like the Op.

I have been supportive to the OP if you had seen my previous posts.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 19:46

I reckon if I actually wouldn't take her big fat gypsy dress as you appropriately named them she would throw an almighty wobbly, I just take them, and put her in the ones she can move in when we visit and ditch the ones that are simply ridiculous. it saves some hassle and it's hilarious watching my mil trying to dress my dd in them? especially when she poops all up her back and ruins the dress completely (she tends to save that for mil's dresses!) Wink
just to say I appreciate everyones opinions whether I agree or not and appreciate everyone will look at my situation differently.
but....I tend to air towards the "she's a total narc, run whilst you can" theory myself Smile

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 15/02/2014 19:48

My Grandmother was like this with my Mum. It made her mentally ill. she used to tie herself in knots to get her mothers approval which was not something that even existed. She suffered her entire life and...Grandmother lived longer than my DMum!! I utterly hated my grandmother for what she did to my Mum. I think you need to sit down and speak to your DH and ask him what the minimum amount of contact (right down to none) he would think appropriate as whilst you think your DD should have contact with MIL. I think you should re-think that. Would you want contact with this ghastly person if she wasn't a relation? No? then you have your answer! In your shoes I would go NC with a capital N and a capital C.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 19:52

If we go nc it would have to be on dps terms. having llst a parent myself I could not bare tl be the person who got inbetween dp and his rents regardless of how much I hate them. he needs to see it himself and make that decision himself or else when they die it will all be my fault.
dd is not going to be left alone eith them, end of. amd contact afyer her birthday will be minimal and visits will be somewhere public where mil can't throw a paddy.
Smile

OP posts:
springykyrie · 15/02/2014 20:38

Apologies if it came across as snide, brooncoo. I think I was more concerned that OP wouldn't doubt herself. It is very, very easy to doubt yourself when you're dealing with a narc.

I was also going to say, upthread, that ime you can kind of forget what narcs are like. If you haven't been around them for a while - or even if you have iyswim - disbelief/normal takes over and you're shocked/disbelieving all over again. I was going to say that this thread is doing me 'good' because it's reminding me. All over again Sad

springykyrie · 15/02/2014 20:42

And I meant it when I said you are lucky, brooncoo, to have lovely ILs! Honestly, I should think that is worth its weight. I can only imagine

MommyBird · 15/02/2014 20:46
Wine

Baby steps. It'll happen soon enough.

Its really hard to explain a Toxic persons behaviour.
It makes you sound like you're making a big deal about a normal situation. But you're really not.
Its the way they go about things. How you have witnessed things and knowing this person it not normal.

I honestly know how you feel and you're doing so well. One step at a time!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 15/02/2014 20:59

Mmmmm..I agree with the others. Your DH will get there in his own good time. At least he can see from your relatives what normal is! You may have to keep illustrating to him how awful his mother is though or he will buckle and that is what the toxic cow wants.
The thought of you moving and them following makes me feel a bit panic stricken so it must be hell for you. Credit to you for having such a great relationship with your DH and not telling him 'It's her or me and DD'. Your situation is nightmarish and the only solution is for your DH to stand up to her which he is understandably reluctant to do. Just bloody awful!

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 21:15

I totally get what's been said about toxic people's behaviour beimg difficult to explain. sometimes when im having a moam to my family about mil they try and make excuses for her and say it probably isn't meant like that (my mum amd sisters get it but the rest dont seem to grasp it) and i'll sometimes hesr what im saying I think "god I sound so petty" but she has her ways and she knows what she's doing, she's more manipulative than me but I'm smarter than her Wink
thanks for positive comments, I feel so much better and less unreasonable than I did before Smile

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 21:43

Tbh I think the problem with toxic people is that they are so bad, and what they do is so unbelievable, that any "normal" person wouldn't (couldn't? ) believe that they do what they do.

Beth it may be that someone has suggested this already, but I think there is a book called toxic in laws, possibly by Susan forward. Might be worth a read?

I just don't get it. Why the fuck are these people compelled to act in the way they do?

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 15/02/2014 21:49

certainly is sad. my family have always said choose your man wisely but nobody warned me about the in laws! something I will make sure I do for my dd. I cant believe how many people have the same sort of issue

Isnt it!!! Never mind the wicked step mothers in fairy tales, it should be the wicked mother in law.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 15/02/2014 21:56

Beth - I think you did completely the right thing not meeting at theirs first

Totally agree.

This would seem like a small insignificant point to anyone who does not understand what we are dealing with here.

It is however a crucial step for you op, well done! YOU managed to put your foot down and keep to an original plan. Never mind what or how your DH has reacted to them, you have done this, and not cared about how they felt, you put your feelings first!

Good step in not being a people pleaser! A tiny step but a fantastic one.

You dh will realise when you put your foot down like this, that you his wife have needs too! That his mothers needs don't come first any more. Its easy to keep the peace and jump round the Narc when everyone is afraid of upsetting them.

Brilliant.

Her telling him not to order cheese is classic sign of her trying to show ownership over him.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 21:58

yes. Definitely going to give that book a read Smile Smile dp doesn't like the word "toxic" ( still isn't ready to see his parents like that) so I might have to try and download it or something. if not maybe buy the book and replace the cover with my own ha Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 22:03

Thanks. I felt like a total crazy lady at the time saying "no, we said we would meet them there. we are not going to theirs first, not a chance" dp looked at me like I'd lost it. I had to basically spell it out to him ln the way home and explain the thinking behind his parents agenda to meet round the corner. ..then at theirs etc and felt like I was the only sane person alive. ..then you start to wonder if your the mad one :L we got there in the end though! x

OP posts:
Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 22:11

oh and DP ORDERED CHEESE ANYWAY! ! breakthrough in itself Wink

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