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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I actually hate my mil

426 replies

bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 09:17

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

OP posts:
brooncoo · 15/02/2014 18:05

Look, I'm all for you putting up with no crap and being assertive but TBH, regarding the parking your car and walking down to the pub together etc - I think you are blowing all that out of proportion. I don't think it's awful that she thought you might pop in to her house to to watch your little one play with toys. With what you said here alone, I don't really see the problem.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:07

not to mention she sat there the whole meal commenting on what he shouldn't eat, dont order cheese...you shouldn't be eating cheese. oh and...
when you come to jersey...oh you HAVE to stay for a week a weekend isn't long enough.
theyve also got grand plans to buy an apartment just down the road from us! for when they come back home from jersey in 2 years and to stay when they visit because they've finally realised they don't need a 5 bed house especially when they don't live in it. f*ck my life.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:09

Sorry broon I completely disagree - Beth needs to make it clear that mil is not the one making the decisions.

Beth - I think you did completely the right thing not meeting at theirs first.

Going back to read the rest of the update

nauticant · 15/02/2014 18:11

Have you read the first post by the OP brooncoo? If you have, do you still think there's no problem?

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:12

because she wanted us there before lunch and after lunch and for tea! as in until tonight...she chose that pub to suit her secret fecking plans and i'm sick of her being devious. just say..."come to ours first and we'd like you over for tea too if you don't mind...we would like to see you all longer" instead she chooses a pub round the corner, says its booked for 12.30 when its not (she just wants us over at hers for that time) and then try and insist and force us to stay the whole day and when we say we cant look at dp and say "please...do it for me" we saw them TWICE last week and are seeing them tomorrow for gods sake. she needs to detatch.

OP posts:
brooncoo · 15/02/2014 18:12

But that all just sounds like mindless chit chat. Might be annoying but nothing to really take offence at apart from perhaps telling her to stop going on about his eating.

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:14

Ok, you do not have to go to jersey. Even for a weekend. It is your life, it is up to you where you go, not them.

Even if they do buy an apartment near you, you don't have to pick up the phone and you certainly don't have to answer the door.

Hopefully if you make enough of a stand now they will rethink the apartment thing

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:16

This isn't about eating. Or chit chat. This is about control - pure and simple, and it is certainly not mindless.

How do you feel now Beth?

brooncoo · 15/02/2014 18:16

Ok - cross post there a bit. It is fine for you to stick to your plans. You don't have to do as she wants. From her point of view - her asking you to come in for a little while isn't that outrageous. Of course you don't have to and can make excuses to go.

Justgotosleepnow · 15/02/2014 18:19

Hi Beth I've read all your thread.
My mother is like your mil btw so I totally understand what your DH is going through at the moment.
It's taken my DD to be born (10m old now) to see her for what she really is. Narc through & through. It's actually quite tough realising that about your own mother.

You both did great today. I disagree with the pp about the cars, you did the right thing to park at the restaurant.

I know you are frustrated at your DH for needing a real reason to say no, but take that as the first of many and say well done! It's really hard saying no when for x years you've always said yes. It will get easier for him. But it will always be painful for him to realise how awful his parents are.

FOG. Totally controlling your DH. Have a read up about it & show it to him. It will be most illuminating.

By the way to be a counsellor I think you have to do counselling yourself to work through your 'issues' so you may get help with this.

Good luck to you, DH & dd. It's not an easy road to go down once you have 'woken up' but you will all be happier for it.

Justgotosleepnow · 15/02/2014 18:23

Brooncoo you have said you have nice pil & you don't seem to have any understanding of the situation the op is facing. I don't think your comments are helpful to the op.

(I don't normally so clearly disagree with views on mn but sorry it sounds like you don't have a clue)

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:29

okay so if it was a NORMAL person suggesting to meet at theirs and asking us for dinner it would be mindless chit chat but she isn't NORMAL. She's a total control freak and it's all about her devious control. I've lived with it for 2 years now and sat back and watched it and know what she's doing. Unfortunately it's very tough to explain over the Internet but whenever we see them it's on their terms and she's never told no, when she is...she cries. simple. devious. manipulative. controlling.
I just feel angry now because I thought dp got it, but as mentioned these things take time and now I've calmed down a bit I see that although he tiptoed around her a bit and made excuses he at least said no and she didn't get her way.
I'm not a bad person, I want them to have a normal healthy relationship with us all but they are not normal and nothing about them is healthy, especially their behaviour and the way if affects my family.
I am actually really lookong forward to the counselling I will need to take myself to become a counsellor. ..I need it! Blush

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:33

Small steps, Beth. I know it doesn't seem much, and progress feels cripplingly slow. But he stood up to her today. That is a small step, but even the longest journey starts with a single one.....

You said you have to see her tomorrow - how many people are going to be around tomorrow? I often find narcs easier to deal with if they are diluted, but I completely understand if this is not the case

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:38

It's my dd's birthday so there's loads lf my family there (dps family all live a 4 hr drive away so wlnt bw coming).
last time we had a gathering (dps christening) she went round trying to befriend my nearest and dearest. ..which I guess could be perfectly innocent but she has this obsession with meetinf up with my favourite aunty and uncle because they live down the road from them (their uk home) and my overly friendly uncle that invites the postman in said they could pop over if they wanted. nightmare.

OP posts:
nauticant · 15/02/2014 18:41

Keep doing as your doing OP. Ignore the recent attempt on this thread to make you doubt yourself, who knows what motivated that.

As you can see everyone sensible on this thread is wishing you success in starting the removal of toxic control of your family.

springykyrie · 15/02/2014 18:42

Brooncoo, you don't have a clue (just to underline Just's sentiments). It's often in the minutiae that people like this weave a web around you so you can't move. Anyway, very happy for you that you have lovely ILs. You are so lucky. NOt everyone is. Please step back here.

FOG btw means Fear Obligation Guilt (don't know if that's been covered up-thread). OP I think you're going to have to somehow put a sock in it - or choose your battles - otherwise he'll be being nagged at both ends. It's a HUGE step, after a lifetime of being brainwashed (right from the year dot Sad Sad - particularly as he's the only child Sad ), to start facing the truth. It will take him a long time and it won't be easy. I really think that with stuff like this he's going to need professional support ie he needs to be 'held' (not literally) while he faces these very, very difficult things. Getting un-brainwashed is not a piece of cake and doesn't happen overnight (t-shirt).

You too re professional support - at least so you have somewhere to offload and bounce off so you don't end up screeching at him (you'll seem like his mother if you do that Sad ). Do get some literature, though, so you both know what you're dealing with and where you're headed. There's a lot of literature/books around these days re narcs.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:44

Tomorrow should be fine and she will be lovely to everyone but I see her in a different light (because I know her) and whenever I see her talking to my family I get protective and angry because I just see her as toxic and her whole "we're one big family, heres my phone number, we have to meet up" attitude is so fake. But whilst they're in Jersey I doubt she'll be able to sink her venomous teeth Into my family.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:45

Urgh. Leave them to it. I'm sure your family know what she's like, and if they don't, fuck it. Your priority is your dd, you and DP.

Do any of the other people going know what she is like? Could they divert her attention for the duration of the party?

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:49

I think when you are used to normal family and il's my comments would seem totally irrational...and because my family are normal (as far as normal goes) I've spent the last year and a half doubting myself and thinking im totally bonkers so I kinda get why someone would read my post an assume that...as I said, you dont know my mil...lucky lucky lady!
thanks for the advise, I do need to be a rock and not a nagger and really need to bite my tongue when frustrated with dp :)
getting him to get professional help ain't easy :/...I'm gently trying. maybe if I seek it first he will follow x Smile

OP posts:
springykyrie · 15/02/2014 18:50

Sorry, x-post(s)

Agree that it was a big step for him to stand up to her today.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 15/02/2014 18:50

yeah, I'm not gonna stresd about my family...my immediate family and my aunty and uncle know what a crazy lady she can be and they're grown adults, sure they can look after themselves Hmm

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:51

Or could you tell a few close family members what she is like and just let the information trickle through? ( my family all see pils for what they are now)

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:52

Ah, x post - sorry!

springykyrie · 15/02/2014 18:53

I don't think 'normal' people get it tbh. I doubt your family see what she's really like. Narcs can charm the birds off the trees - the charm of a narc is something to behold, it is breathtaking. Most people are taken in by it (and you end up looking the spoilsport/unhinged one when you complain about them)

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2014 18:57

Springy is spot on- it is difficult for anyone who is "normal" to understand fully what it is to be around a narc/someone who is toxic. It is so alien, and so abnormal, and because you're likely to be brainwashed it can be so hard to accept that the person they have grown to accept and even love is actually self centered, heartless and dangerous