I actually hate my mil

[bethcutler13]

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

Partially follow heresnomewithoutyou's advice from Wednesday.

Give her tissues when she arrives but stay calm, do it in stages OP. Give her due warning. Something along the lines of:

You know they love being grandparents, you want DD to know her family. But the 3 of you need time to yourselves.
Being interested isn't about grabbing direct involvement.
She's had that time with DP, it's your turn now.
It's good for your DD to have a loving extended family but it's starting to grate on both of you now.
Suffocating you will have the opposite effect to what they hope.
From now on you two are asking them to step back because if they don't, you shall.

Why do I have a mental image of King Canute proving his followers even he couldn't command the waves to go back. But worth a go. Unless DP is able to bring himself to go nc at once.

I'm not going to meet them for lunch tomorrow and tell them theyre never seeing my dd again. but when she starts asking to take her to herself and not backing down or trying to organise us to stay with them for a week etc I'm just going to be firm and polite and say no.
if she starts being horrible to dp and belittling him I'll stand up for him and tell her I disagree with what shes saying etc. Basically she can see us but cut the bullsh*t.
im sure all this gentle rebellion from us will cause her to scream at us all a couple of months down the line and when that happens I'm simply going to ask her how she expects me to brong my dd round to hers when she behaves in such an unhealthy way.

I'll stand up for him and tell her I disagree with what shes saying

If you're going to do that, you might as well be very direct:

"That's a nasty comment. It's not even true. Why did you say it?"

the problem is she only gets nasty when shes throwing a massive strop. its more the constant digs and nagging about everything he does. I'd sound a bit odd if I stood up to her like that when she says "is that bloating or have you put on more weight, you used to be so fit" or " so you don't want to do well in your career now, you're happy just being an investment banker associate"
she's a devious lady.

If you stand up to her and confront her (doesn't have to be a full ut attack or warfare - you just don't sit there passively taking it) then she will probably end up throwing one almighty tantrum that will give you the perfect excuse to really distance yourself and your daughter from her. You almost need her to burst a gasket that there is no is no hiding from rather than all the little passive dig shit. Your husband is then welcome to see them as and when he pleases - but you don't.

If she's throwing a massive strop then it's not good for you to be there and certainly not good for any child to be there. In this case, although it's difficult, you must attempt to leave her presence and try your best to make your DH leave as well.

It sounds like a nightmare but if you don't resist she will blight your life for a very long time unless you divorce.

I know, just know any confrontation will eventually cause a tantrum but my thinking is the same as yours, when that happens its my time to say "that's exactly what I'm taking about and exactly why I no longer want to be in your company".

You can still pull her up on those comments that undermine your DP. Say something like "That's a strange thing to say, what do mean by that?" or "Why are you making critical comments when we are spending time together?" don't let the toxic stuff pass. Or leave when she starts saying things like that. It's the toxic drip, drip, drip that destroys your DP's onfidence.

My 1 year old daughter screamed the place down each time I put her in a dress. And I mean each time. It wasn't until she was 16 that she wore a dress (nobody recognised her). Just saying.

When she kicks off, leave. Don't talk to her or reason with her. Get up and go. When you have to talk to her (eg when she's at the door demanding to be let in), keep your sentences extremely short re statements: no you can't come in then don't say any more. Don't explain why she can't come in.

Make statements: we won't see you because you are rude and abusive to us. Don't add any more or get embroiled in even the tiniest discussion. She won't see it (EVER) and will drag you about hither and thither if you try to reason with her; you just have to learn to manage her. And that starts with recognising what she's about and not trying to appeal to her 'better side'. She doesn't have a better side. She will manipulate and [try to] wear you down until the end of her days.

re the Oz idea - if they're loaded they'll follow you so you won't be getting away. If you do get there, I wouldn't let them know where you live, not even the city. However, learning to manage her NOW will stand you in good stead for when you make the move.

Don't let her do to your daughter what she's done to your partner . The only way to stop that is to severely cut - if not entirely - all contact [with you all]. She is dressing your daughter as a doll because that's how she sees people in general: inanimate objects for her to play with.

Your partner isn't the only one to begin to wake up to the fact that he has a toxic parent (or parents if his dad is enabling her). It's a rocky road but many of us have trodden it. Keep going OP's partner, you'll get there.

I know, just know any confrontation will eventually cause a tantrum but my thinking is the same as yours, when that happens its my time to say "that's exactly what I'm taking about and exactly why I no longer want to be in your company".

You cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial interaction to disordered people like his mother, it simply does not work. You likely will not be able to do or say anything when she starts on at you again.

You cannot see what she is doing as simply a tantrum (she is emotionally stuck at 6); she will likely go into full on narcissistic rage. And that is truly a sight not forgotten in a hurry.

Springy makes an excellent point re inanimate objects. That's a very interesting way of looking at it.

How are you doing Beth? Are there any immediate plans to see her again?

With further reference to such inanimate objects:-

"Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed, walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when when something more interesting comes along".

thanks gor everyones commemts and advise, it's good to feel like someone supports me in this! I am currently in the car to go for lunch with the in il's at a restaurant of their choice (happens to be round the corner from them...so she can try and force us back to hers I bet, not happening! )
it's their "present" to dp for his birthday that I'd already agreed to so I'm sucking it up and going.
op says if she flys into one of her rages again thats it and we won't be seeing her or his father (because she controls him too) but I do worry that when this happens he wont be able to make the cut. I asked why the need to wait for her to treat us badly again and he says it's because it's taken a toll on our rela5 (duhh has done for the entirety of our time together! ) he's desperately clutching at anything, he wants her to be a nice person and is desperate for her to change. poor man can't see that it's not happening. :(
it's dd's 1st birthday party tomorrow so will have to see them then too!

attila that is exactly what my mil is like! she loves having us all in the house amd catering, dressing dd up and forcing everyone to play board games and happy families. jp interest of coming to ours or meeting out, she has to be the one in total control or everthing. it makese cringe!

You handle this the way you're able to OP. The main things to get from this thread is to see their behaviour through others' eyes and to realise that it's well out of order, and to get tips on possible ways you can respond.

oh and springy that's what my dd's like with dresses. tom boy or not she hates them!and I totally agree with everything else youve mentioned, I find it difficult to stand up to her because she's such a narc but ive got to so I'm starting today. haha!

Beth, good luck - this may be the first day of the rest of your life. Stay strong, it will be difficult, but you know what you need to do.

Attila that is so, so accurate. Never thought about narcs like that but it's so true.

Good luck today! We're all rooting for you!

Hope you are okay Beth. There is loads of good advice on this thread. I wish I had this advice when I first met my mil. She was fine until my husband told her that he had proposed. She grabbed my hand, looked at the ring and said "I hope you're not pregnant!" And pushed my hand away. Things went from bad to worse over the years with her expecting us to always visit her, not the other way around. They wrote us a letter saying I had to "earn" my way into their family and that MIL is head of the family and what she says, goes! She would keep ringing while hubby was at work then hang up when I answered so we blocked her calls and she flipped. After several years of snide comments and treating my husband like dirt ( she once phoned him to tell him he must be f**ked in the head!) we decided enough was enough. We cut all ties with them and have had no contact for 10 years, but I still feel guilty as my children have no grandparents around as mine are overseas. They tried to take us to court as they felt they had grandparents rights but they were such toxic people, we just ignored the letters and nothing ever came of it. I wish that I been stronger mentally and sought advice from a professional but as some posters have pointed out, some people will never change, no matter how well you treat them.

Your MIL sounds like mine, manipulative, needy, cannot let go of her grown adult children and hates having to relinquish control over their lives. Despises the fact that their partners get more of a say and are more important than her now. A very bitter old cow it has to be said, I actually posted a huge ranting post about her on AIBU the other day. Like you, I hate her.

I just avoid and ignore her and let DP know that I cannot stand to be around her. I am aware this upsets him, but at the end of the day she isnt my mother, I am not bias towards her or have emotional attachment to her like her kids do. I see right through her.

She tried sticking her oar in when we found I was pregnant, coming invading my personal space and sitting down saying 'If your having this baby we need to get everything sorted out blah blah blah'. I was thinking 'WHAT? What the hell has it got to do with you and what on earth are YOU going to be sorting out that me and DP and other more mentally stable and respectful family members can't?'. She just wanted to be massively involved from the start so she can claim some sort of ownership of my DC and it is NOT happening, over my dead body. However my MIL is a very emotionally unstable, mentally immature alcoholic. Yours just sounds very overbearing and the type who cannot let her baby boy go. What a nightmare, I feel for you.

Axe2grind yes my MIL also tried to tell me at her mothers funeral that she was now the 'head' of the family (funnily enough GMIL had never given herself this title in the first place) now, in a way which was to say I have to pander to whatever she says now! I just laughed at the silly drunk old cow and humoured her, what does she think it is the 1900s?!

I just know MIL would love to run the lives of absolutely everyone in the family, like many MIL's on here she always has to be the one in control and the centre of attention or she sulks like a big baby. Honest to god, what is wrong with everyone's MIL? Why are so many of them such a god damn nightmare, particularly when it comes to their sons?

Most of these MIL's are totally oblivious to how much they are shooting themselves in the foot with their behaviour. Given my MIL's extensive back catalogue of manipulative, childish, unpredictable, bitchy and passive aggressive behaviour her DS and I cannot wait to get away from her and she will be having very little contact with my child.

Both predicaments are exactly what MIL didnt want and when DP told her we were moving out and away she threw the biggest hissy fit tantrum ever and gave DP the silent treatment for about a week. She was gutted her big plan of taking over the parenting of my child and belittling me and exercising control over everything wasnt going to happen (like hell it ever was anyway!).

Hope today goes well, or if it doesn't. You find the strength to stand up to her

I am just so grateful for the supportive, non demanding, non interfering PIL's I have. I'm sure they think I'm a bit nuts and controlling at times and I've sometimes rolled my eyes now and then but they have been fantastic over the years and as such, we have very much enjoyed actually spending time with them - taking them on family holidays etc.

22honey, your post reminded me of the early years of our marriage, when we told mil we were moving one mile down the road, yes only one mile and she had a massive tantrum and sulked for weeks. She said she would NEVER be able to see her grandchildren if we moved! (She doesn't drive but our new house was on her bus route)!! I should point out that we lived across the road from her at the time! She had talked my husband into buying the house opposite before we met. Speaks volumes really.

Brooncoo, I have a friend who ADORES her mil, even more than her own mum who is actually very nice. I met her mil and I have to say, she is lovely and I am very envious...

okay so I got myself really worked up over this lunch meeting and now I know why! I knew, just KNEW mil chose the pub around the corner from theirs for her own reasons! DP was driving and went to turn down into his parents road...as far as I knew we were meeting AT the pub...for LUNCH...they've only gone amd told him we are all walking down together...ie we go to theirs, park our car AT THEIRS and walk to the pub. ..and back to THEIRS to collect the car...talk about hidden agenda! I made him turn around and drive us to the pub and tell them we are meetinf them there..his dad on the end on the phone, oh can't you just come in, it's only 12.30 bit early for lunch, mums got all the toys out for our granddaughter (can imagine mil is sat next to him, tugging on his arm to get him to convince us to come round) but met them there...
surprise surprise she mentions how she had everything ready for dd and was looking forward to seeing her and thought we could come back for tea! This all being disguised as a "birthday lunch"! rant rant rant, waiting for dp to say something, which he didn't so I reminded her we organised to meet at the pub, which she didn't like at all
Dp made the fatal mistake of mentioning we need to pop to waitrose...oh we will take her whilst you go to the shop and we can go for a walk back to ours, said 3 times dp says NOTHING. until the 4th time towards the end up lunch whereby he remembers we have a tax return to do. finally an excuse* because he couldn't possibly say "thanks but mo thanks, we want to be at home this afternoon". I was fuming with him, I said and we had actually rehearsed various scenarios where he just says "thanks but no"! and he sat there awkwardly whilst she banged on about her grand plans to take dd until he came up with a good excuse to say no thanks mum!
seriously, he's totally under her thumb. its pathetic. he says next time when he hasn't got an excuse he'll just say no...he's totally brainwashed. I did point out how silly it was he cant say no thank you mum! and what that says about her personality but I think I'm fighting a losing battle.