I actually hate my mil

[bethcutler13]

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

Your thread reminds me very much of my relationship with my mil. I don't say this lightly but I really hated her for a long time. The problem with this kind of hate is that it is exhausting and had serious consequences for my own well being. My DH idolised his mother and would not hear a word against her despite the fact that she said some really horrible things about me. This drove a huge wedge between us and nearly cost us our marriage. I say this as I believe the best way of dealing with you mil is to distance yourself as much as possible eg not going with your dp when he goes to see his dm and not engaging with your dp about his dm. I found that after a number of years I could tolerate minimal contact with mil without ending up really upset. Towards the end of her life I could only look on her with pity as she had become very isolated as many of her friends and family also distanced themselves from her because of her behaviour. I give you this advice to save you years of torment.

Sorry to hear you're still having to deal with this shit.

Some posters really do need to read the whole thread before wittering on about allowing your dd to have a relationship with her gp, or wishing that this mil was interested in their children like yours is. Really????????

I definitely need to distance myself. I just a know everytime I do it will be my partner that gets it in the ear but he is really going to have to deal with it. I don't want her influencing my daughter like she has her own son. I live with the man & see everyday in his behaviour (even when his mother isn't present) how much his mother has affected him.
A lot of people don't see why I have an issue, not only on this board but some of my own family, all I can say is I am usually a very accepting person. I have dealt with rude, difficult and stubborn people before it is the emotional blackmail, control and manipulation I can not hack. It's sickening. And those who know me don't bother questioning me in regards to my mil because they know I wouldn't cut someone out of my family and life with out trying everything else first. If only she could see what her behaviour does to us, but she is too self involved to even think about anyone but herself.
I feel sorry for her dh who will lose out because of her behaviour, like everyone he has his flaws but they are open and we all know what makes him tick and my dd loves him to bits. I guess enabling someone to treat your loved ones like sh*t is just as bad as anything else.

op I'm waiting for my big blow out, so I can go NC. After MILs behaviour while I was pregnant I should have insisted it then but I was vulnerable and let her bully me.

Dp is fully aware of her behaviour and I think he would support me if I choose to go NC if I had a good enough reason.

Mil knows this and has been flying under the radar for the past year, nothing big, just tiny slights, that no one else would noticed.

I missed my chance last time, but I can wait. Hence my user name

Why wait for a blow out before you go NC? Life is too short, do you really want to go through the stress of an argument?

Hi beth :)
So sorry you have been having problems...again.

I have been NC with my MIL for 9 months..and havn't heard from her in 2 months. Not a single peep. And its been fucking awesome.
Im a new person.

I recommend going NC.
You cannot argue with a Narc. They will allways defend themselves. For example. When i confronted my MIL about the bullshit going around that i have an eating disorder...which she had told people. She replied with 'Yes i did, because you're so skinny'

Not ok.
It got so bad, i told DH that i didnt want to see her anymore, i'd had enough. I honestly think we would of split if we had kept on with the 'normal' crap.

They are not normal. Everything is about them and how they feel. You will get flying monkeys who will tell you that you have upset MIL. She will also have depression or cancer. Or a Brain Tumour and Cancer like my MIL. She is perfectly fine now though obviously.

Fuck her. Life is way to short. You canceled your wedding because of her. Thats not ok! Thats the least normal thing!

Can relate to a lot of people who have similar issues, my mil treated me like a absolute disgrace to her and her husband when I first told them I was pregnant and spent the rest of the pregnancy like a baby making machine that was carrying her special present. It was just ridiculous! She likes to nag me about my weight too, but the opposite to eating disorder, telling me I need to lose weight, change my clothes and sort my hair out. Because obviously she is perfect. (And seemingly totally unaware of her huge nostrils)
I had plenty of opportunities to go NC but I was too vulnerable and naive. That and stupid, very stupid.
I'm just glad my family are normal (as normal as humans can be anyway) so my dd will see the comparison.
We are limiting contact and after her hissy for at the weekend they won't be seeing any of us whilst they're back this time. Perhaps she will see a correlation between her strops and our visits. Doubt it though.

And she's text again, this time asking to see us all. Like she's done absolutely nothing wrong, we shall just forget everything and meet up for coffee. Bleughhhh.
Sending dp on his own will not go down well, it will be a pretty clear message, she will kick off royaly.

"Morning we go back on Sunday we would like to see you we will meet or you can come over of course or we will pop over yours . Hope your feeling better and works ok for you both pls phone or text back what's happening love always mumxxxx"
Is it just me or is she request in we see her? Not even a slightest bit of remorse for the mega strop she has thrown a few days ago, regardless of the fact we have told her she has upset us.
Strange woman.

Yeah, sounds familiar (my mild does the same )

Could you and DP stick together on this one and just say no, sorry, it's not convenient?

I've said to either say we can pop in for 20 minutes after we pick dd up from my cousins or to say we are busy working this week and away on Saturday. He battles between upsetting me or his mother

Beth

You need to ignore all text messages from this woman and yes you are indeed being summoned to see her. Her behaviour is very typical toxic/dysfunctional parent.

Infact you now need to block her incoming calls and texts; she will continue to make your lives a misery otherwise. You have to protect your own self and no it is not at all selfish to do that.

Did you tell your H the following:-

"I've said to either say we can pop in for 20 minutes after we pick dd up from my cousins or to say we are busy working this week and away on Saturday. He battles between upsetting me or his mother".

Re the above, you need to make a decision (the second option you cite is preferable) because your H will most likely cave. He due to his own FOG re his mother will likely back down.

Just let your dp go. Don't go. Tell dp to say you have an appointment.

Start retreating now.

Let her kick off if he does go on his own. He may well decide yet not to see his mother. You need to protect yourself and your child from her.

You cannot afford to keep going back for yet more tirades and/or abuse from her. End of. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend and his dysfunctional mother is no different. It is NOT his fault or yours that she is this way.

Yes, that's what I told him and I know he would want to opt for the 20 mins coffee because it would save her throwing a paddy.
I'm in a thought situation where he is torn between putting his foot down over her throwing a strop and not seeing her (knowing she will kick off all over again) and just popping infor 20 mins to keep the piece.
He keeps asking me what to say, this makes me feel like he isn't ready to decide for himself. He seems to think it's easier to tow the line than cut them off. It would be totally normal for us to be busy, we are both working today and Friday and have things planned for Saturday. To a normal person this would be fine but she will start everything up all over again.
She didn't text me, she text him. She knows he will be more likely to say yes I think.
I hate this, sometimes I feel like not popping in because she's thrown a paddy is me being pathetic and I should just get over it, but what does that say to her?
I need my dp to make this decision, I want him to make it because HE isn't going to put up with it anymore but he just asks me.

I can find an excuse not t go very easily, it's my dd not going that we struggle with. I don't want her on her own with them, with out me there mil will get away with what she wants because dp will struggle to stand up to her and she knows this so she will tests boundaries. If I don't go, neither does she but I'm struggling with how to put this. I feel like I'm causing a rift in the family but I want to protect my daughter from arguments and harmful behaviour.
This is such an awful situation, I wish dp didn't even tell me she text, I wish he text back saying we were busy...but of course he asks me, all down to me.

Well it is putting you in a difficult position and one you do not want to be in. Does your DH understand that you want him to make his own decisions?

If not then make it perfectly clear to him that is what you want, however, if he cannot do it, cannot decide, then you will decide for him and tell him to tell his mother you are both too busy.

What a nightmare situation. I would move house and not tell them.

They are leaving the country and I think your dh wants a relationship with them. He is showing this to you without actually wanting to cause you hurt by saying it iyswim. Is it really so bad if you let your dd go with him for coffee. Can they damage her in 20 mins, whilst your dp is there?

Let him see them without giving him the low down on their antics. He knows all of it but he wants to go or feels a duty to. You don't have to. If you want to improve things. Remove yourself from the equation.

I keep on telling him that he knows my opinion but they are his parents and he should make the decision (hoping he will make the decision whilst thinking about my own opinion) we have disgusted this a million times, he is torn between decisions. He knows it makes sense for us not to see them but is struggling letting his parents down. He is a people pleaser and is in a situation where he can't please everyone. He literally won't decide, he wants to be told what to do, because his parents have always had control of him he seems to find it tough making a decision against them. It's 27 years of conditioning.

This is the thing, part of me just wants to go and just get it out the way. I don't want him toe never see them because of me. No they're not going to damage her in 20 mins, unless she chooses to cry and scream at him whilst he is holdings dd (which she has done on serval occasions)
You can see the different advise I get here, some people say run for the hills and never see them again and some say just 20 mins won't hurt.
Sometimes 20 mins can turn into an hour long argument because he is a "failure". Sometimes it will be fine.

Sorry but I just found this so funny:

"And seemingly totally unaware of her huge nostrils"

Well, they are huge. :D

I would imagine one of your biggest problems is not to stare at them now you have become aware of them.

NC is the only answer.

Why care that she throws a paddy?
She loves doing that - it's her thing. Let her have them and ignore them.

She spends her entire life trying to upset you and DH and make you feel bad. Is that the sign of a loving mother?

Can your DH remember a time when he felt good about seeing his mother? OR a time you left their company feeling good?

If you can't, then this is a good reason to stop seeing her, because she'll do the same to your DD and life is too short for you all to feel bad regularly.

Also, it is a reason for your DH to stop seeing them - suggest he finds a hobby or friends that he does regularly and it makes him feel happy. Children of emotional abusers often don't know how to be happy or put themselves first - it is a skill that was squashed out of them early - I saw this clearly with my dad and my aunt. They also had a feeling that they couldn't do anything to affect or improve their life - because their mother took away their self determination as she created their dependency.

Perhaps you can support your DH to be kind to himself and stop seeing his mother - because she specialises in making him feel like shit.
Your DH has a right not to feel like shit.

You have already reached this conclusion - well done, it's a massive step because once you don't care about the abuser, you can let them go.

Wow! I could have written this about my own ex MIL! (except change Jersey for Middle East). She too has demanded to have my son for a day. He is one yr old and has no clue who they are, or who his dad is as he has chosen no contact for now. Obviously I said no, cue hysteria from her and accusations that I'm being cruel/torturing her. Stick to your guns. If your DP wants to go then that's not an issue. If you or your daughter go after her strop then you're setting a precedent that she can behave as she wishes and still get her own way. Consider her a child who needs disciplining, as that is essentially what she sounds like. Do not let her walk all over you! If she wants to visit you all then great, but she must behave herself. Good luck! X