I actually hate my mil

[bethcutler13]

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

Yikes! Ok I didn't know they put you out of the house!

And they can't take my dd 2 of the 4 days because they moved away! They moved away to make more money for their retirement because the 5 houses the own outright aren't enough. They chose to remove themselves from seeing her weekly! Not me. They chose to scream at us Infront of dd on regular occasions and they chose to be the nasty people they are.
Is just like to say my mil doesn't actually see her own dying mother, she leaves her to her siblings to look after! She has 5 siblings and is only in touch with 1, which pretty much points the finger at her considering they all get on fine! She stops her husband from seeing his family too, because she doesn't like where they live he gets to see them about 1 a year.

Beth

This excerpt may well also help you in the long run as well re your DD:-

"Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If you have another set of grandparents in the picture then focus on them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

You will find that the children will eventually stop mentioning the loss of the narcissist grandparent if you are not bringing it up. If you are talking about your Nparent in the hearing of your children then you are inviting them to keep talking about it, too. I can not over-emphasize the need for your explanation to a younger child to be calm, pragmatic, measured and short. Long explanations make you look defensive which will tend to peak the interest of the child and prompt him to push the issue. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child. If the child is older and has experienced or witnessed the Ngrandparent's nastiness in action then you can say more.

Young children are not known for their long attention spans. This works in your favour. With younger children you have the advantage of distraction. It is easy enough to get the child's mind off onto another track. Every parent has done the distraction routine at one time or another. "Mommy, I want to see NastyGran today!" "Honey, we aren't going to see NastyGran today because we get to go to the park and eat ice cream." (Make up fun time on the spot if necessary for this distraction.) "Yay!!" says the kid and off we go. Subject changed, kid distracted. In time, NastyGran will fade from memory. Any bonding that may have occurred will dissipate in the process of time.

Remember, you are the parent. You're older and therefore more experienced which is the point of being the parent. The child is dependent on your good sense and protective wisdom. You're smarter than your child; use that to your advantage (such as using the distraction method). You are the final authority. This is not a negotiable issue. Your child doesn't get to decide on this one because they lack the understanding, wisdom, experience and good sense that, hopefully, you have. So don't look like you're unsure or open to quibble. You'll undermine yourself if you look anything but firm and resolved on it. Use your advantages as parent to smooth the effects of the cut-off. Over time this will all quiet down. Kids tend to accept what is. It will happen more quickly if you follow the above advice.

Most of all, do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. You are escaping the Mob Family. What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach our little ones. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for Pete's sake, don't show it. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from someone whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behaviour; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things".

No I understood that they lived away I just meant let your dd take those two days off from the cm and go to them if you were at work.

But I suppose if you feel they are a risk to her then its a non starter. I'm not saying your in the wrong here but I have got some personal experience and I just know its all mostly a waste of upset. Distance is the solution. All forms of it!

Putting us out of the house is probably one of the smaller things. Maybe I am absorbed, but it's hard not to be when you're worried about your child's safety, (not physically but emotionally).
It's a complex situation, I have tried very hard to be civil, having to cut them out is the last thing i want, believe me I've exhausted every thee option.
We could have a family reunion, perhaps after coming back from eloping but do would want to encore everyone else apart from his parents, that would be incredibly difficult. As I said, nobody would understand.

They sound revolting, is dh an only child?

My nanny is my cousin, she had been expecting to have dd as she does every week. She had already been paid and had out her time aside to look after her. It was very short notice and the in laws are crazy people anyway, wouldn't trust them with my goldfish let alone my daughter :L have done in the past, plenty of times and have deeply regretted it.
Mil likes to go round the house replicating photos of her and her son with my dd. yes, she does this everytime we see them, takes photos of herself and my daughter using the same poses from photos of her and her son and frames them and puts them next to the original photos.
In fact photos of dp have been taken down and replaced with photos of dd, like the one next to her bed for example. Not creepy at all. Perfectly normal behaviour. Just like the "my baby's first years"book she is filling in, it's normal, obviously :)

They do not have to understand and most people do not really get this type of issue anyway unless they have prior understanding themselves. Also these people have not had to go through what you've both been through the last couple of years with regards to his parents.

You have likely yourself come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is absolutely unknown so that makes this hard too.

I have narcissist ILs and the only way I can deal with any of them is to keep my distance both physical and emotional away from them. I also keep DS well away from them as well and always have done. We are low contact with these people and only see them anyway a couple of times a year at most.

Those that matter do not mind and those that mind do not matter.

Restandpeace of course he is :L love how that was picked up on. She's made it very clear she should have had more kids, luckily she didn't, more people to torture.

Don't focus on them so much. I can understand they have hurt you with their behaviour but you are burning yourself out here. What does your husband say re the emotional abuse risk to your child?

If you really don't want her at the wedding then your other option is to have it out with her. Everything. Get it out. Verbally or via email. See what she says??

She's a total narc, arguments don't work. I think she actually enjoys them. Emails, texts, messages don't work, she is perfect and can do no wrong. Remember she is innocent in all this, in her eyes the world would be a better place if everyone was like her so telling her she's done wrong is probably the most pointless act ever. I learnt this the hard way.

My dp doesn't want our dd subjected to them, he's hurt he feels that way but he knows how they make him feel as their son and doesn't want our daughter feeling the same way.

I've pm'd you Beth

Having it out with a narcissist is simply asking for trouble; these people always but always want the last word and a narcissist in full rage mode is not something to be taken at all lightly. Their capacity for rage is not to be underestimated along with their lack of capacity for empathy (they have none). Trying to appeal to a narcissist's better nature (they do not have one) is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.

Narcissists react angrily to criticism and when rejected, the narcissist will often denounce the profession which has rejected them (usually for lack of competence or misdeed) but simultaneously and paradoxically represent themselves as belonging to the profession they are vilifying.

People with narcissistic personality disorder also have difficulty recognizing the needs and feelings of others, and are dismissive, contemptuous and impatient when others share or discuss their concerns or problems. They are also oblivious to the hurtfulness of their behaviour or remarks, show an emotional coldness and a lack of reciprocal interest, exhibit envy (especially when others are accorded recognition), have an arrogant, disdainful and patronizing attitude, and are quick to blame and criticise others when their needs and expectations are not met.

Beth - I would suggest your man reads "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

Your MIL only knows how to be nasty and to manipulate people - she is incapable of giving or receiving love.
You need to go NC - this will be easier for you than your DP.

Good luck - and don't think EVER that any normal or acceptable behaviour will ever emanate from that woman. She will wreck everyone's lives just to prove a point - my Grandmother did. My mother was the only one who ever tried to stand up to her and she got effectively crucified as result - often the DIL gets the real shit.

I also have an aunt and uncle who won't hear a word said against my granny - oh she was so nice to them - because they worshiped her and were poor so she could give them presents and play Lady Bountiful and they would be so pathetically GRATEFUL.

Every political dictator/tyrant there has ever been is a narcissist. I often think that my gran missed her vocation as a prison guard, public hangman or torturer. Alas, she exercised her power domestically and we all suffered.

My MIL lives abroad and has just been to stay for a week. She bought my DD nothing and spent the whole time saying how spoilt and naughty she is (she's 18 months). I feel slightly jealous that your MIL is interested in your DD and wants to spoil her.

Agree that she sounds like a nightmare generally though. Hope you get it sorted.

On that note if anyone wishes to swap in laws, please feel free to PM me. I'll take anything that doesn't have an allergic reaction to the word "no"

Or we could start a support group with gin readily available ?

Or that, that would work for me too

Well op my dh is an only child too, have/do have mil issues...

I'm sure its already been said but ultimately it is impossible for you or your DH to change them. What you can do is change how you react to them. Don't let her cry down the phone; switch them off. Don't feed her self obsession. Its hard but it can be done. And its what needs to be done for the sake of your family, that's you, your DH and your DD.

I have my own mother issues and father issues and I struggle to practise what I preach so believe me I know how hard it can be. But it is the only thing to be done.

erm... I'd hate her too. avoid.

It sounds really selfish but I literally can not be bothered with them anymore, they're incredibly disrespectful and manipulative and I've never been treated like this by an adult, it's incredibly childish and i think it's a good thing I don't know how to deal with it, I think it has something to do with me being a normal balanced human being and them being totally crazy. They're self involved idiots and they really don't have to be my problem. I think I need to just totally back off and leave dp to deal with it, when they're about I will be busy with my daughter doing nice things until they start to treat us both like adults who have a daughter and not children that have produced a child for their own entertainment. (Don't worry I know the chances of this happening are slim)
She's a little human, not a toy to be passed about when it suits them.
I'm sure within a few months my mil will figure I'm causing "issues" and start bitching about me to people and then trying the emotional blackmail on me, of which I'm going to leave to my dp to explain why I don't respond.
Perhaps if I make them his problem and not ours he will be more inclined to make a change.
They're not my parents (thank god) so he can deal with them, if he asks my opinion I will give it but ultimately what he does is upto him and he can tell them himself why I'm never about for more than 5 minutes because I have other plans.
Not sure how we are going to deal with her being constantly pushy and never giving in to a "no" though, the emotional blackmail that follows the word "no" we can just ignore but it's awkward when she is so incredibly pushy to take our dd on her own or asking us to stay at theirs.

Bloody hell just read all your posts !

It's not selfish it's self preservation. attila has offered some amazing advice.

I'm NC with my own mother- she is quite something. Have been for ten years.

Mil on the other hand is a narc but not even on the same scale as my mother so I can handle her a lot better.

She has done many things to me - which I've managed but the worst thing/s I see/seen was her emotional blackmAil to her dgs -12 years.

It's really fucking creepy to watch. She implies that she loves him more than his mother. For example SIL let him go somewhere on his on- it was near to home. Mil stopped him brought him to my home. Totally embarrassed him then was trying to stroke his back saying " nanna loves you xx that why I couldn't let you go on your own, I've got to make you safe".

She then left him with ME while she went to the fucking pub - rang him while she was pissed and had him crying out side saying " xxx you still love me don't you? Tell nana you love her"

It was fucking awful.

Hell will freeze over the day she tried that with my dd. I don't let her near her.

Think very carefully about your future with this woman in it. Don't forsake your happiness or your dc well being for the sake of dp not being able to do anything.

Dp is aware of her behavior he is just scared to act against it.

For me it would be ultimatum time. If he blamed you in the future- so be it.

Look at what your going through and feeling right now. Look at how long it's been going on. You can not fight this soley, your dp is keeping her in your life and he will keep his dc in their life's too- even though he admits they emotional abused him.

Life is too short for this.

Oh and on a lighter note - I have a picture of my deceased DGF on my shelf I commented that dd often looks up at. My mil then actually brought round a ''a nice one of her to go up too'

I said " oh no! You gotta be dead to go up there"

She was speechless for the first and only time I have ever had the misfortune of knowing her!