I actually hate my mil

[bethcutler13]

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

I have tried, they don't see what I see though. they think she just is a little overbearing of dd because she just loves being a nanna.
which is silly becausd they've got a narc in their family so they should know it's not always what it seems.

I'm just not going to put them in the same room regularly enough for any of my il's grand plans or couple cyling, sailing and dinning t actually happen.
they live in Jersey and barely have time when they come back to see us, we cram into there agenda so doubt anything will come of it.

You need to go no contact with his family as of now. That may also have to include the aunt and uncle because they either cannot or equally will not see what is happening in front of them.

I would become very angry with your H now. He needs to realise that he is hurting the very people who he is supposed to love the most i.e your and your child. His primary loyalty is to you, not his mother or father now.

I imagine she's super charming to your aunt . She'll be trying to recruit them so she can triangulate with them . They love to effectively take people off you / intrude into your relationships . Usually later on they recruit your friends , family as flying monkeys when you won't comply .

I always feel sorry for people who are just starting to realise they are involved with a toxic person . The main character in these situations is usually just the tip of the iceberg .

I would be very frustrated with aunt and uncle . Of course they don't see her behaving badly , but they should believe you .

Oh Beth I'm so sorry to read what happened at the birthday party.
Actually I think she was punishing you for saying no at the pub dinner.

And I'm so sorry your OH is behaving in that way. I think he just doesn't know how to operate now. Your realisation may have just turned his world upside down.
I really urge you to seek counselling for him to help him through this.

And yes it does come down to his priorities & who is at the top of his list.

Atilla has given you a lot of info & advice about narcissists. I actually agree with her- no contact would be the safest option for your DD. And you don't need your OH permission to go no contact. I'm not saying it's going to be easy- expect a rage response from MIL- but it is better for your daughter not to be in contact with this awful woman.

And don't forget, that's what she is. She also happens to be your OH's mother. But in any other walk of life you would not tolerate anyone behaving in this way. So you do not have to play this game. Simply do not see them again.

Hugs, this is difficult

I think one can manage narcs (if there is no real choice). It's a helluva skill but if she were autistic would you feel the same way? ie that she jolly well ought to learn etc. It could be said that narcissism is not unlike a severe form of, say, autism - and to manage it one would have to introduce absolutely rigid and extremely tight boundaries [with DH fully onside]; and never waver. As I said, a helluva skill.

I know I'm going to be jumped on for saying this. One of my children is very probably a narc and I naturally look at it from a different angle now (I loathed her narc father but I can't loathe her). I also don't necessarily agree that 'you wouldn't put up with this from a stranger so cut contact'. I get the point, I really do; but cutting off a grandparent is a huge, huge step.

I have cut off my (narc) family but I can't cut off my (mildy narc?) parents. I severely limit the time I spend with them, I watch everything like a hawk, everything on full alert, the whole thing a military operation. I also wear my thickest possible skin when I see them (and if I'm feeling threadbare I call off any planned visit). My visits are often 5 minutes, sometimes 15, sometimes 30. If anything starts going awry I leave immediately - I lie, making up an excuse, eg taking a 'call' and exclaiming that I've missed an appointment. Etc.

And, apart from that, she is/they are rich. She could create an almighty stink - and I mean ALMIGHTY. Never-ending - she could NEVER give up (this has been my experience with a narc). I used the word 'dangerous' upthread and I do think these people can be very, very dangerous if you cross them by eg witholding from them something that is important to them.

You did, however, say upthread that when you have introduced a sharp boundary, she grovels. I have never known a full-blown narc grovel, so maybe she's somewhere on the narc 'spectrum'... (as I suspect my parents are)??

attila I am angry with my dp, and I have expressed my anger in small bursts but I feel more deflated by his parents actions, that and totally disappointed in their ability to realise it was a specail day for me, dp and dd and wasn't all about them (I know, narcassists=always about them)
However last night after I'd calmed myseld down dp started to open up about his mum and the way she controlled him throughout his life and he genuinely was expressing some emotion (anger, resentment and pain) about his mother and I genuinely believe he will start putting his familt first now, he said yesterday was "way to far" and an "eye opener" his mum actually described it as "their day" just like she did his graduation whereby she threw an almighty strop because dps partner at the time wouldn't give her the camera dp had brought with him *because dp told her not to! ha!

justgotosleepnow, thanks for your comment l, attila has given great advise etc and has been a real eye opener on here much alike many others and I really appreciate everyone's opinion. it's good to hear it from people who see things in different ways etc
springy I actually agree with you (putting myself up for a moaning at) but until my dp makes the decision to go nc, I just don't see how causing this rift in his family (dysfunctional maybe but still his family too) will ne any better for our relationship than trying and I mean at least trying a little bit with the information I've recently discovered to try and handle his mother.
he knows, the moment she go ballistic at us, especially infront of dd I will personally say...we can't be around this anymore but for me to suddenly cut contact when in her eyes she's done nothing wrong and her behaviour is as per usual on a day to day basis I will look completely irrational.
however when she begins to call names and scream the house down I can snap it up and say THIS is exactly what I am removing myself from, enough is enough and lay it to her and leave with my morals in tact that I as a parent and decent human being have done everything I can and they've made their own bed, leave them to get comfy in it.
I'm sure, to many people I'm putting my dd at risk, being a bad parent or what not but she's just not being left with her, end of and i'm going to have to get tough. I watched my dp remove our dd off them 5 times yesterday, I heard him say "no, it's not your day, it's her day and she has her friends here to play with"
so he's definitely getting there, he was very firm and i'm kinda proud.

yea. the rich thing worries me sick! either way contact or nc they will be manipulative with it.
We've put our foot down with their spending on dd and it's worked...for now

Just keep being consistent. If they get better for a bit, the very first time the revert back to their usual ways, pull them up on it

And I think your dp is doing very well considering, just keep supporting him and he'll get there

I wouldn't worry too much about the money issue, unless they are already heavily subsidising you. The worst they can do is threaten to stop buying your DD things or disinherit your DH, and even if they did is that really so bad? Wouldn't you rather be standing on your own two feet knowing you have achieved everything yourselves rather than relying on money with strings attached?

I dont think they would stop buying my dd things...they try to do the opposite a lot. we don't want dd spoilt, neither of us were and we remind them of thag frequently. ..but it's a constant battle with the words "but we're her grandparents its our job to spoil her". with love and memories not a saphire necklace at the age of 3 months for gods sake :L
I've already told dp I'd give back any money they tried to give us...which they never do, when dp has borrowed from them in the past his father wacks on a massive interest rate! and it comes with "we gave you this...so do this for us" not worth it. ever.

and totally disappointed in their ability to realise it was a specail day for me, dp and dd and wasn't all about them

Actually I think they did realise it was a special day for you, they either didn't care about your feelings or did it deliberately to upset you. Either way is unacceptable. Agree together how to handle your mother and keep a very, very close eye on her and her impact now that you are aware of it.

It sounds like your DH is starting to say no, I think he did really well over the two days. He has a lifetime of learned behaviour to turn around.

That's true! it gets to me because SHE was once the mum at her sons first birthday and she would have never allowed someone to do what they did.
I'm learning from them...I will never make these mistakes eith my daughter snd grandchildren.
yes dp has done very well, he was very sad yesterday afternoon but he I think he's just disappointed in them.

Just seen your update! Fab news about your DP! :D

Im so happy he was able to have a real chat with you about it. Maybe he just needed time and the realisation about yesterday was proof enough for him.

How is he (and you!) today?

we are better today. he is seeing what I see now, he was totally appalled at them and I had to stop him from kicking off royaly (only because it was dds first birthday and didnt want a screaming, hysterical mil!) he was very firm and they sent us a text thanking us for a lovely weekend with their lovely family. just like they hadn't really upset him. total idiots. oh well. didnt think they'd acknowledge the fact they'd made him angry.
hopefully things are on the up though

Or, if - when! - she kicks off, get your bod out the door, saying nothing. Nothing like stealing her thunder by ignoring her completely. Keep your face absolutely blank.

It's all about not providing narcissistic supply. She wants attention - at all costs - and ignoring and removing yourself gives her no attention at all. If you argue, shout, get angry etc ( any emotion) you will be giving her attention ie narcissistic supply.

She knew exactly what she was doing, she knew she was out of line which is why she sent the text to keep you sweet.

...we cant say anything cause she had a lovely time and sent that text..

Cut contact, just explain her behaviour is unacceptable and you dont want to put up with it anymore.
Do not text back or engage in any kind of contact. MIL has tried to speak to DH more since we cut contact than she has when she had it.

MIL hadnt seen the girls for 8 weeks which is her choice.. when we cut contact she was so upset she wasnt allowed to see them...yet went 8 weeks without seeing them..so there was no difference, just she wanted it to be on her terms.

They love attention, they want the last word in an argument. If you feed that, you're giving her what she wants.
Ignore her and you'll drive her mad!

yep! thats what I thought when they text that, almost an acknowledgement that they've upset him but they couldn't care less. She's such a cow and you're all right, it's probably best I just leave when she kicks off because if I say anything she'll have to have the last word and it will go on forever.

You don't have to tell her you're going nc, though. Just be busy, don't answer the phone, don't get in contact. Make your own life, your own family life without including them.

I wouldn't but I think they'd bully dp. his father sends nasty emails to my dps work email address! leaves messages and answer phone messages, I reckon theyd bang the door down if we ignored them long enough!
dp told me last night about a message his dad sent a while back about not putting them first/the same as me and dd! dp reminded them he doesn't anymore because his primary concern is us..and reminded them that he is no longer their primary concern, thst being their retirement plan.
I dont understand how people who choose to move away and travel and not be about for birthdays can be demanding of our time. They've chosen to leave it doesn't mean they get special treatment when theyre about.

his father of course does all this when my mil cries to him and wraps him round her little finger. since I've known them ive only seen him tell her she's wrong once! and that was when she threw her mlst recent paddy at the end of a weekend we had to spend with them. thought we had an ok time and were very polite but apparently it wasn't enough for the charming mil.

Delete the emails without reading them and same goes for the voice mails.
Dont answer the door if they know. Rip letters up etc.
Ignore them.

They only have power over you if you let them.

Delete the emails without reading them and same goes for the voice mails.
Dont answer the door if they know. Rip letters up etc.
Ignore them.

They only have power over you if you let them.