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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I actually hate my mil

426 replies

bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 09:17

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

OP posts:
MommyBird · 16/02/2014 16:05

EVERYTHING Attila said.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:09

dp has seen this thread and all the links attatched. he's never going to thinks it's damaging behaviour....at least not enough to never see them again. I just can't even think about it anymore. thank god we are having a family party at home on Thursday (her actual birthday) that they're not coming to because they're on another holiday. when suits they are grandparents when not they do what they like.

OP posts:
Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:10

I know I shouldn't have invited them...but try telling dp that.

OP posts:
Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:11

I dig my own graves by putting myself through total emotional torture to keep other people happy. thats my problem...I give a fu*k when I shouldn't.

OP posts:
MommyBird · 16/02/2014 16:12

But YOU know it is damaging. You do not need his permission to not see them again.

Also. Why not try acting like MIL for a day? Throw some strops, cry, be a cow. See what your dp does?.
If he says anything, just say well MIL gets away with acting like this?
but i can be really petty when i want to be.

This isnt going to get better. Its going to get alot worse.

MommyBird · 16/02/2014 16:13

Dp is putting his mother over you and dd.

That isnt how its supposed to be.

Pimpf · 16/02/2014 16:19

What mommybird says, how would he react when you strop?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/02/2014 16:19

it was my daughters first birthday party today. I spent 10 minutes with her in total.

Oh beth can't believe they were so pushy. Well, actually, I can. Every get-together your MIL has to push the boundaries. How will it benefit DD having her DF's family members in her life, when they are only interested in control and leader-of-the-herd mentality.

Snce you came on the scene MIL has been intent on stamping her authority. DH's ex wouldn't give in,
mil described her as a "nasty, horrible person who never appreciated all theh tried to do for her". now I know why, she wouldn't be controlled by mil.

Pimpf · 16/02/2014 16:20

Btw, I don't seriously think that that is how you should handle things but I try it couple of times and tell him what you're doing

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:20

tried that with the wholw strop thing...I throw one and he just sits back like he does with his mum and takes it. so its totally pointless.

OP posts:
Pimpf · 16/02/2014 16:21

Then I think you need to tell him no and keep repeating

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 16/02/2014 16:27

Often, when they over-value, it is the objective of the narcissist grandparent to steal the child from you physically and emotionally. Ngrandparents are known for so much trash-talking against you behind your back to your own child or children that they want to go live with grandma or grandpa, or the Ngrandparents simply inspire rebellion of the child against you. They steal the hearts of the grandchildren. Sometimes, they will battle for physical custody of a grandchild after their slander campaign against you has won them powerful allies. Many times the Ngrandparent has a lot of extra cash to throw around since they are done raising a family. They may successfully exploit the natural selfishness of the child by using cash or toys to lure them. I have read heart-breaking stories of these kinds of situations often enough that I recognize the clear danger any narcissist grandparent represents. They can even steal your children's hearts from you when the children near adulthood with promises of money, houses, cars, college tuition, etc. as bait

yes.

What if your mil hints that it would be nice if her and dd had a sleepover etc.

My dd was at mils for three hours alone.she came back moody and horrible to me. Goodness knows what she said to her but I know she was working hard to try and get dd to sleep over in future...telling her if she slept at her house she could take her to school in the morning.
Its taken me months to get our relationship back on track...

MommyBird · 16/02/2014 16:30

Honestly.

I dont think i could stay with someone who allows his family to treat me like crap.
You're bottom of the pile. He cares about his mothers feelings above his soon to be wife.
He is disregarding your feelings :(

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:32

Sad euughhhh I hate to think that is the case...but it's starting to look like it is that way

OP posts:
MommyBird · 16/02/2014 16:38

There is only so much one person can take.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:46

Sometimes I wish I had picked my partner more wisely and realised sooner that not only has he got to backbone when it comes to his parents but they're overly demanding amd controlling. thats never a good combination. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:47

no backbone *

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 16/02/2014 16:54

I don't usually comment on these threads because they make my blood boil .

My own family are like this , and as is usually the case I married into a similar family . That marriage ended in divorce due to issues like you describe .

Guess what's happened again ? Yep , another toxic mil . This time I have zero tolerance and luckily my h is fully on board . They're so predictably abusive it's a joke .

You don't need your husbands permission to go no contact.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 16:58

my dd is watching her favourite film and im sat on the sofa with twars4 rollong down my face. dp has sat with me and held my hand saying nothing for 5 minutes....then gone off and started washing clothes and cleaning....why just why would he ignore this, just because the truth makes him uncomfortable and if I don't bring it up nothing would ever get said. Sad

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2014 17:23

Oh Beth Sad

I've got no advice I'm afraid, just wanted to offer Wine and

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/02/2014 17:25

It would be worth googling narcissistic mothers and their sons . They often produce a particular type of emotionally wimpy man . Their people pleasing and lack of assertiveness usually affects all areas of their life .

In the end I simply stated I wouldn't be going anymore and it was up to him what he did .

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 16/02/2014 17:26

Beth lots of women are in your situation and lots of times it seems when the DC come along that it becomes apparent as people gravitate back to family when they start their own, or GP want to be more involved...

usually it isnt a problem but when people are over bearing like this - suddenly you have a massive problem on your hands.

Beth look at the postives, your DD is still young and has no memory yet, you have about a year or two to sort this out...

as said you cant expect your conditioned since birth dh to suddenly stand up to them, but YOU can lead the way by saing = enough.

ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2014 17:28

Beth do you think she's done this to "punish" you for yesterday? I'm sorry, I don't have a more tactful way of putting this, I'm sorry if this upsets you

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 16/02/2014 18:13

I hope not...I dont think she has...but maybe. she seemed very pleasant but she would do...she was getting her way.
she didnt even give dd a chance to play with the other children she hogged her so much.
she sunk her claws into my aunty and uncle as expected. ..theyre totally oblivious and think she and her husband are lovely. they only ever focus on my aunty and uncle...nobody else and it's because they see dd and me and dp a lot...she knows I love them to pieces :'(

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2014 18:34

Would there be any mileage in telling your aunt and uncle what she is like?

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