Beth
re your comment that I have split up to make it easier for me to respond to:-
"I just have this guilty feeling about going nc and I can't get rid of it. because she's so nice to dd I feel id be being selfish? why am I such a people pleaser I'd love to know"
But she is NOT nice to your DD is she?. She is not nice to you, her mother or her dad for that matter, for a start. MILs actions are all about power and control; she wants absolute over you and your child. She sees you purely as inanimate objects to use, abuse and drop and she sees fit. She does not love any of you, infact she has made the terrible choice not to love.
Self preservation here from people as dysfunctional as your MIL is not a selfish action. Your job also is to protect your DD from such malign influences because she can and will use your child to get back at you.
You likely come from a family where thankfully this sort of dysfunction is unknown so it is hard for you as well. Perhaps part of you still thinks that if you tried harder, were nicer to her etc she would reciprocate. No, my friend. Narcs do not work like that - not at all.
People pleasers are often made; you've likely been conditioned by family members to be this way too.
"I have concerns about how she will be as dd grows up though, what if she doesn't fit into my mil's agenda etc? But I then feel I should at least give her a chance to be good to dd, she has so far. I need to realise she's just a self centered, manipulative and controlling woman and she will be the same with dd...I just feel like because it's me making the decision it will be MY fault if I've made the wrong one".
Narcissists in particular make for being deplorable grandparents and you certainly need to realise the sentence starting with, "I need to realise" asap!!!.
A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.
Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with. Your DH certainly knows this already although he is mired still in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother.
The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)
The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.
Beth, I implore you not to be that above well intentioned parent!!!.
the NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well.
The actual mechanics of how the NPD grandparent will misuse their relationship to their grandchildren will vary. Generally, they will either over-value or under-value the grandchild as a means to get to you.
Often, when they over-value, it is the objective of the narcissist grandparent to steal the child from you physically and emotionally. Ngrandparents are known for so much trash-talking against you behind your back to your own child or children that they want to go live with grandma or grandpa, or the Ngrandparents simply inspire rebellion of the child against you. They steal the hearts of the grandchildren. Sometimes, they will battle for physical custody of a grandchild after their slander campaign against you has won them powerful allies. Many times the Ngrandparent has a lot of extra cash to throw around since they are done raising a family. They may successfully exploit the natural selfishness of the child by using cash or toys to lure them. I have read heart-breaking stories of these kinds of situations often enough that I recognize the clear danger any narcissist grandparent represents. They can even steal your children's hearts from you when the children near adulthood with promises of money, houses, cars, college tuition, etc. as bait.
You must let yourself know for a fact that your MIL can not be trusted with your most precious responsibility, your children. If you allow contact between your children and this woman (and I would urge you not to at all now) it must never be out of sight. Never for a moment leave your child alone with this serial abuser. They only need a few moments of alone time to inflict damage. A whisper, an insinuation, a pinch, a look. If you consider yourself a responsible parent you will never, ever leave your child alone with your Narc grandparent.
You will ultimately need to go NC with this woman for your sake as well as your child's Beth. I am so sorry you have ILs like this.