"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Chiggers

I would have written pretty much the same response to you as Meerka has.

You do not have to keep putting yourself in front of these people; I would give all of them a wide berth as of now because they want you in your assigned box as scapegoat and will not accept any other role for you. You are very much a threat to them, this is why also they have acted as they have.

Your DB is truly an arse and your mother is nothing but his enabler.

Wishing you all on here a peaceful Mothers Day .

May the angels protect us!!

Chiggers repeat to whoever over and over 'I've said all i'm going to say, i'm not going to discuss any of this any further'. If they persist, leave.

Once you remove all the fear/obligation/guilt, things really are that simple.

Yeah you'll be terrified at the time, but power through it and dig deep.

Curl your 'family' have sensed you detaching and are terrorising you to get back to where they want you. This is a war, they are throwing you back on their hideous bonfire to feed the fire of their own ego. See it for what it is and refuse to play.

Yeah, it will all kick off, but that very fact is why you have to stand up for yourself. NORMAL people don't do this.

This is an abusive relationship, their anger and ire is manufactured, you know it, they know it. You're supposed to apologise for whatever trumped up crime they've convicted you of, then stfu and get back to where they want you to be.

Think rolled up newspaper when dealing with these mangey mutts, don't engage unless pleasant and on your terms.

... and I'd add to what hissy says, try to be gentle on yourself. 2 small children and exhausted - is there any chance of your husband taking the children out for a few hours and you simply resting or sleeping or going for a walk alone or reading or whatever? (or even bookign a spa-day?)

You really don't need this family trouble when you've got two small ones and a small break would, I imagine, be absolutely lovley.

OMG

My mothers oldest and amazing friend (I call her my fake gran) has just txt me to wish me happy Mother's Day.
She said she knows where I'm coming from but hopes we can work through it.
She also told me my mother has gone to stay with a friend (who lives 5 hours away) for Mother's Day in case I didn't get in touch!!!!! She's 'broken' apparently.

So she's managed to involve two friends in her quest for 'oh poor me' supremacy.
Am I being harsh in thinking 'grow the fuck up' it's one fucking day.
My boys didn't even remember to give me my card this morning it doesn't mean I'm going to go and stay with someone to get over it FFS.
I love them, they love me and we'll have a takeaway later so I don't have to cook

Just remembered that she used to get my step father to take her out every Mother's Day even though they had no children together because she was 'a mother'

Steam coming out of my ears, sorry to rant

it sounds like your mother's oldest friend has a good idea what your mother is like

Sounds like Mother's Day is just another weopon in her arsenal for general supremecy .. the 'poor me' brigade are subtle or not so subtle tyrants aren't they.

Sorry, just need to rant...

It's funny, all the character assassination of me in the text yesterday was coming from the woman who thought it was acceptable to beat a 7 year old for saying it was time to leave for school one morning (it was way past the time we usually left to get there, and I was terrified of being late again) thought it was okay to send her child to school with welts up her legs from where she hit me with a belt because I apparently let her bath water out (I didn't.) and stripped all my clothes off at thirteen and marched me through the house naked to humiliate me, then hit me with a belt. Kicked the living hell out of me on the stairs in front of my nana until my nana pulled her off me. Sent me to school in old leggings and a t shirt which wasn't school uniform, and I got told off constantly for it. I wasn't allowed friends, she would tell me all the friends I made were bad influences and went out of her way to destroy the friendships...that's just the tip of the iceberg...she smoked and still smokes in the house with my asthmatic brother, told me she was going to make sure my daughter would be taken away from me and live with her. Told me I wasn't allowed to leave the house with my daughter as she bought her shoes and she wasn't allowing me to take her with the things that 'she' bought.

These are not the actions of a caring, good mother, no matter what 'good deeds' she's done, of which she deems she's done many. Yes some of the things she's done have helped me, and I've always said thank you and appreciated it, but my god I've paid for it in the emotional abuse as an adult. She thinks I should bow at her feet and think she's some kind of god because she's done the basic things any decent mother would do without thinking.

'Ive put my life on hold for you kids' all three of us are way into adulthood now and she's still not doing anything with her life. That was always her choice not our fault. There has always been excuses, in actual fact, no one in the real world would put up with her absolute bullshit.

Arghhhh, I just want to scream. I've turned off my phone so I don't have to deal with anymore incoming messages I expect to get today from my dad/brothers.

Happy fucking Mother's Day, eh?!

Hope most of you are having peaceful mothers days

The phone calls and voicemails are already in coming from mil
Just as well dh is asleep and knows nothing about it.
Think I might open my bottle of wine I was saving for a rainy day!

As far as I know dh hasn't bought or sent anything to mil, I guess thats why she is phoning. Probably for a "woh is me" pick me up!!!

What is it with these crock pots? They treat their child like a second class citizen and expect gratification every mothers day for their 'spectacular' parenting (pulls sarcastic face)

The phone calls and voicemails are already in coming from mil

Oh dear. What are they saying?

"hello son, please can you ring me, hope pumpkin his having a lovely mother's day. Bye" in a very monotone david dochovy type miserable voice. Then 5 mins later the landline was going off, needless to say I didn't answer it!

Ahhh the guilt game.

Yup that will be it!

I did actually feel a tad guilty until the voicemail but again she has proven herself, so I can sleep easy tonight in the knowledge she'll never change.

She doesn't care whether I have had a nice day or dh for that matter, she is probably just worried about where her gift has got to!

She'll be having a good moan on Gransnet soon. There's a lot of them over there. I made a mistake and took a peek once.

A word re guilt:-

Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.

Guilt is a useless emotion.

Happy Mothers day you lot.

Hope you all had a lovely day.
Just popping on to see how you all are as i can imagine, some of you might of had some trouble.

No news off MIL yet that I know of. No guilt tripping/ phone calls/ texts.

Is this normal?

Im really shocked, as you know, it's allways about them.

Cleo how are you holding up?

Her treatment of you growing up was awful. Absolutely horrendous. You deserved so much more.

Pumpkin did mil's text and phone calls stop?

It's tough isn't it - my mother (backstory:i hoped we were NC but seemingly not) just went on today about how disappointed she was that i have a new job. FWITW I feel very fortunate and a little bit proud to have got said new job.

AIBU to not want to see her? she wants to visit and I know that all she will do is pick fault.

Thanks Meerka, much appreciated. Surprisingly mum just engaged in a bit of small talk and then asked about us moving to be nearer university along with how my studies are going. Not sure what to make of it TBH. Anyway, I went round with the kids to give her the MD pressies we got her. I remember about 10-11 months ago her saying about getting some small pots of herbs, such as basil, parsley, rosemary etc, for her kitchen window sill, so I bought her a small pot of basil along with flowers, a brushed steel photo frame and a notebook, pen and address book set. She saw what she got and gave me a hug. I hugged her back without emotion but was feeling uneasy about it. I couldn't help thinking that she may be sucking up in order to sweeten me with a view to asking me to apologise to DB.

Congratulations on the new job!

Sim she is probley very jealous that you've got a fantastic new job. Oddly, it's like they allways want you to feel bad/guilty when something has gone right for you?

When DH had a promotion, he rang MIL and all she said was 'well how are you going to pick me up to see DGD!?' No well done or anything.

Thank-you MommyBird :-)

there's a gransnet!??? about this?

Sorry I haven't been here for a very long time, but just came back here to introduce a friend going through this, and caught up on a couple of posts when i saw gransnet mentioned.

DontstepontheMomeRaths

I'm okay, surprisingly didn't get any more abusive messages today thank you

Does anyone mind if I join?

I still have contact with DM but its usually very stressful and ends up in an argument. We have a lot of unresolved issues that will be very familiar to people on this thread. My childhood was like standing on quick sand, never sure when the ground was going to shift beneath me. Parents divorced, DM tried to PAS me from my dad whilst carrying on the facade of 'aren't I a great mum making sure you have a good relationship'. This is still the view that she has and will never acknowledge all the poison she poured in my ears when I was a kid. She still hates that I have a really good relationship with him, although she then says she has no problem with him!make up your mind!! This is often the start of many rows. She will say something nasty about him, I will tell her it's not up for discussion and she will go all huffy and start pouring more poison out ( They are both remarried and split up over two decades ago!) then it will descend into a row.

She completely gas lights the majority of my memories, saying that I am lying or she can't remember (and therefore it didn't happen). She threatened suicide when I was young (great thing to tell a kid huh?),loads more but I don't want to bore you! I basically get blamed for any conflict, she can't understand what she has done wrong. Will go round playing the victim to my brother and her husband. My brother has his own issues with her and so takes it all with a pinch of salt. She had a shitty childhood herself but constantly plays this as a trump card in that she can talk about how bad it was until the cows come home and we're suppose to sympathise. But if anything comes up that she did wrong she just can't handle it and we're the bad guys.

I have started taking a step back in terms of communicating with her. She used to get huffy if I didn't answer her email/phonecall/text quickly enough. Now I wait at least a day before responding to ensure anything she is trying to bait me into has gone by. Seems to be working but I know it's confusing her a bit.

Anyway, just want to say thank goodness for this thread! It makes me feel sane!

Deep breath out.

That's good to hear Cleo.

Hello Boomerang. Welcome.

Thanks MomeRaths.

I know I probably shouldn't have looked but I was keen to hear what the 'other side of the story' might sounds like so I went over to the AIBU thread on the Gransnet website. There is a thread on there, I'm sure it won't be difficult to figure out which one i mean! OMG! You can see all the narc behaviour laid out bare and how they justify it! There are a few nice ladies who seem to try to be the voice of reason but they just get shouted down by some very bullying behaviour. It makes me think that if this is how they think in general then there is no chance of ever achieving a healthy relationship.