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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

1000 replies

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 11/02/2014 17:30

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/03/2014 16:19

Be strong incogKNEEto dispose of the gifts, don't even open them if you don't want to know what they are, and move on.

Sadly your DB is in denial himself and hasn't got the strength you have.

Your DM has triangulated and enlisted him, and he is trying to get you back into the position that suits HIM for you to be in.

I'm afraid you will have to write him off too. That's his failure, not yours.

I know it's sad, but you had a 50/50 chance of that happening.

He may yet come round, now that you are not in the picture wrt the DM, as he'll be in her full line of fire. Just hold your position, don't bend. It might all come good in the end.

YOU are not the one in the wrong here.

Sometimes being right does hurt like hell, but we get to sleep at night, knowing our kids won't be caught up in dysfunctional bollocks

incogKNEEto · 03/03/2014 16:36

Thanks attilla that's where I got the inspiration that it was hoovering that she was doing. Sadly I think you and Hissy have hit the nail on the head with regards to my brother's reason for me wanting to 'sort this out'. He always was the golden boy and never could do any wrong, so I guess he likes having me around to soak up all the manipulation and poor treatment, well no more! I'm sure he realises she's manipulating him but he always has taken the path of least resistance, so it must be a shock to him to be on the receiving end for a change!

I have calmed down a little now so am going to take your advice and IGNORE. Also, luckily I have been helping my friend to pack up and sort stuff for the charity shop so was able to tell the dc that the bags were some extra stuff for the charity shop that he'd dropped off Smile so dc are unaware.

Hissy · 03/03/2014 16:42

mwuhahaha! Nice one love!

incogKNEEto · 03/03/2014 16:53

Thanks Hissy I was quite impressed with my on the spot thinking Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2014 17:44

Excellent (said in the voice of Mr Burns!)Grin

MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 17:52

Thanks cigarettes ! Sorry for the mistake good :/
I am def going round in circles. I think it is hard to completely just suddenly shut someone off. Its taking me more time than I thought. I keep feeling waves of anger- then guilt/ pity.

MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 17:53

Incogkneetoo good on you for ignoring! I am deffo a 'throw the pressies on her lawn' kinda girl, haha

incogKNEEto · 03/03/2014 18:10

I am naturally a throw it on the lawn type too myriad but I am retraining myself, slowly! Sometimes it's so tempting to tell her exactly what I think...but then I remember that she has never heard my truth in the past and realise that it's me that will end up hurt. Tbh I am not struggling at all with being NC anymore after she cornered me in the post office before Christmas, it was like a switch flipped in my head, I now just get angry rather than wonder 'why me?' now. So it does get easier.

incogKNEEto · 03/03/2014 18:18

I am upset about DB though, I sent his wife a message trying to arrange a meet up for dd's birthday yesterday and she's read it but not replied, so now I'm all paranoid that she thinks I'm unreasonable too and I just won't see DB, dsil or dn's again until I 'back down' and it makes me very sad.

I know NC with M is the right thing to do for me, dh and dc but it's going to be hard if I'm going to be totally cut out and made to be the one who is awkward, difficult and all the other things M says I am Sad

MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 18:57

Yeh I feel I am in the same boat :/
Because mil has asked dh if i am willin to sweep it under carpet and just move on i feel like i am now the bad one and i am dragging it all out. But I want explanations , let alone an apology!
I feel dhs family will see it as me being unreasonable aswell. Its horrid to have it affect so much but I guess we have got to think forward and weigh out pros and cons for our own family??

MyriadOfMiracles · 03/03/2014 18:58

I feel so angry as well as I know mil has clearly orchestrated all this so I will look like the bad one and she is the reasonable, victem. Argh!

Hissy · 03/03/2014 21:39

Angry is fine!

It's necessary!

Feel the anger, understand it, acknowledged it.

Then let it go.

Let go too of what others think. Those that mind don't matter, those that matter don't mind.

The only opinion that counts is yours and that of those that love and support you.

incogKNEEto · 04/03/2014 08:31

I know what you mean about them twisting it to make you the bad guy myriad. I am also NC with mil after she was vile to me a couple of years ago, she sent a horrible letter about me to my mum too, then she stopped talking to me! Dh still sees her and after a trip up to hers this past weekend to see his DD he said she had offered to drive his DD down to us next time she comes to stay to save him petrol and a long drive and he will meet her away from here to pick dsd up. He then asked if he could take dd2 and DS with him when he picks up dsd, and I was made to feel bad because I said that until mil apologised for how she treated me, then no, he wasn't taking them to see her. She started this situation she can sort it out!

And thanks Hissy I do try to remember that Dr Seuss quote in difficult tomes Smile

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 04/03/2014 11:37

because I said that until mil apologised for how she treated me, then no, he wasn't taking them to see her. She started this situation she can sort it out! -- well done incog

Never surprises me how these people think they can cut you out of their family- divide and conquer ! My SIL has had that 18 years it's unbelievable !

My mil has been very helpful and nice the past week , split personality. She is clever enough to stay under the radar mostly with me. I've been talking dd off her quite a lot. Normally she will hold dd from the moment she enters the house, all feeds, nappy changes had to be done by her. Now I've been just walking over and taking her back.

Dd banged her face while mil had hold of her and usual I would be aching inside to comfort her while mil clutched on and dd cried for me. This thread has encouraged me to reclaim by baby back when and as I want.

I went over a lifted dd out of MILs and cuddled her my self. MILs face was a slapped arse but it was boundary setting.

I might be pissing in the wind but it small steps. I really felt bullied/powerless when dd was born about the way mil took her over. There is only one mamma bear in this house now Grin

incogKNEEto · 04/03/2014 13:19

Good for you cigarettes it's amazing the sheer front of these people. Why on earth would she think that holding onto a hurt and distressed child who wants their mother is the right thing to do? Setting boundaries sounds like a good plan.

Odaat · 05/03/2014 14:34

Go girls! Glad yous are enjoying some assertiveness. I def think all of this has made me stronger and I'll be more assertive now.
I can really sympathise with that horrible and helpless feeling when the ILs are about and you have ust had your baby. I HATED it. (This is myriad by the way i have changed my name again as I get paranoid i am giving too much away on here lol)

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 05/03/2014 19:16

Hi myriad odaat

You sound in a better place!

I hope March brings you all peace and a beautiful spring Flowers

Odaat · 07/03/2014 13:11

You too cigarettes :) hows your week been

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 07/03/2014 13:24

Hello odat it's been quiet - which is good!

I had an aunt over, my mothers sister, and we talked about my mother. A while ago I was considering getting in touch with her as I felt bad she was isolated and didn't know I had dd2.

I could knock on her door, right now, and we could both pretend we hadn't had nc for years. We could laugh and have a catch up but when I left I would become emotionally disturbed.

Time to let sleeping dogs lie as she will never except she was a shocking mother!

I have managed to get my washing on the line this week which has been awesome! Grin

How have you got on ?

GoodtoBetter · 08/03/2014 07:40

Not been on for a few days......How is everyone?

anyonecangrowspinach · 08/03/2014 16:31

Agh, god. Sorry to crash this thread with a rant, but I have my narc father staying with me for two days and it's either talk about it or start throwing things at the wall.

Pretty sure this won't out me as MN is a site run mainly by women, for women, and as he is an appalling misogynist he wouldn't touch it with a bargepole Grin

He turned up half an hour early yesterday, despite being asked not to be early because I had a gym class and would only be home a little while before him to get the house ready etc. He does this every time. You come home an hour beforehand needing to get some shopping in or clean the house, and he's sitting outside in his car. Apparently he would have been EARLIER, except there was a crash on the motorway which slowed him down Confused

In the time it took me to finish in the bathroom and get to the door, he had let himself into our back garden (unannounced, didn't ring the doorbell) and started poking around, including pulling bits of weed out of the pond and telling me I should clean it.

He then proceeded to criticise our new house and contradict my plans for it. I'd like to leave the established garden and see what's in there, but he'd 'just rip it out'. I like the oak tree at the end of the garden; he says it's dying.

I had to tell him I was pregnant (very early days, first one after an MMC) because he knows we're trying and it would be obvious I wasn't drinking. He started smirking. I took this to be excitement, and said 'oh, don't get too excited, we're trying to keep it low-key after the last time.' His response: 'I wasn't excited. I was just thinking that you had a bit of a bulge.' Me: 'I'm six weeks, Dad. That's just my belly.' He didn't say anything else about the pregnancy, or ask me how I felt.

This morning he got up and made himself breakfast before we were up, and left the detritus of it all over the kitchen (bits of bread all over the surface and floor, butter smeared all over the counter, bread left out). My DH had to clean it all up before we had ours.

Took him into the centre of the city we've moved to; he points out the price of everything and announces that he preferred the place we lived before (which was a dump, and which he knows we hated) because the new city is full of 'posh pretentious people.'

I have deliberately booked us in a slightly grotty, cheap restaurant tonight because I know he'll be snotty and I can't bear to take him anywhere I actually like. My brother's here as well, and I haven't seen him in ages, would love to take him to some of my favourite places, but we can't because my bloody father will be there in the background, sneering and being resentful. I've been like this my entire life. Anything I really love or care for, I hide.

He has not said one positive, kind or polite thing the entire time he has been here. He spends all of his time passing judgement, contradicting me and sneering at the things I like. I know it doesn't sound like much - my mother is much, much more directly attacking - but it's worn me down so much that I just want him out of the house, right right RIGHT NOW. I can't even stand to look him in the eye.

Thanks for giving me the space to write this. I just needed to get it off my chest Thanks

Hissy · 08/03/2014 17:51

Erm, daft question, but why on earth does he stay with you at all?

Please make this the last time he visits? Go to him and then you can leave when you want to.

Practice some good old MN stfu's put downs and stick to the truth.

I asked you to come at x time. You'll have to take us as you find us.

The garden is fine as it is.

You don't have to tell him a single bloody thing. You could have said you were on tablets so couldn't drink, or that you'd had a dicky tummy the day before, so wanted to take it easy etc.

By telling him details you are giftwrapping opportunities for him to shit all over you.

Your life is not for him to pick to pieces.

. You can do this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2014 17:57

Hi anyonecangrowspinach,

Ranting is all very well and good but you need to think long term about protecting yourself better from such dysfunctional people like your parents.

Did your brother and he turn up at yours together or separately?.

Your dad's visit is actually two days too long; being with a narcissist for more than say 10 minutes is enough to do anyone's head in. I have a couple of them in my family circle and I have as little contact with them as possible. I also tell them absolutely nothing of importance.

Who invited him into your home in the first instance?. Did he invite himself?.

Honestly you are going to have to raise your own boundaries with your dad and his equally sounding horror of a wife a lot higher than they are currently. Your dad is walking all over you and treating your home as a hotel.

How does your brother get on with his dad; is he the favoured golden child in your dysfunctional birth family?.

What does your DH think of your dad?.

If you have never read "Children of the self absorbed" written by Nina W Brown I suggest you do so asap.

I give you this piece of counsel as well:-
I would keep your as yet unborn child well away from your dad and mother; they will do much emotional harm to her/him even in front of you. Your child does not need such a dysfunctional relationship with his/her grandparents; narcissists in particular make for being not just bad but absolutely deplorable grandparents. Do not submit this child ever to their emotional manipulation. They were and remain nasty to you and they will do the self same to your child. Its painful to watch a narcissist interact with their grandchildren primarily because there is no interaction. Its like watching a re-run of a tv show you've always hated.

Hissy · 08/03/2014 17:59

Otherwise, chez Hissy, all's good.

Holiday booked for summer

Car2 died. But it was a pita, money for nothing. (my fault for not selling it when I bought FunCar)

Otherwise i'm reflecting loads on life. Comparing 5yrs ago and the now. Pausing slightly to give myself a bloody great big pat on the back for how far i've come.

Realising that I barely think about my family anymore, and am just getting on with life.

Well actually, it's a bit more than just getting on, it's pushing erstwhile boundaries, and seeing glimpses of myself before FOG enveloped me and fear of everything took over.

Isn't living normal life peaceful? :)

Hissy · 08/03/2014 18:04

Ah Atilla, my very favourite Meercat! My DS says hi, and is thinking of you today!

she's right of course spinach,

If however your DF was in a hotel, they'd ask him to leave! :)

Chin up, and make this the last time he stays.

At least if you are having a dc, you 'won't have the room' for hi next time... Wink

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