"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
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February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
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March 2011
November 2011
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January 2013
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December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Well, I did tell her that I didn't know what she wanted me to do and that I couldn't help her..that she had to do it herself, she has to get out and stop being so negative.
I just find it astounding that she can have lived here for 7 years and basically not know a soul and have no life outside of ME.

Sorry G2B I do not buy it either; your mother is softening you up to do something really nasty to you in future. You may feel sorry for her due mainly to being conditioned (she thinks sucker) but she certainly does not feel sorry for inflicting herself on you.

Narcissists not only don't recognize the feelings and autonomy of others, they don't recognize their own feelings as their own. Their feelings are sort of like the weather, atmospheric, acts of God. The narcissistic think that everyone's having the same feeling as they are. This means that usually their own pain means nothing to them beyond the physical discomfort it has no affective component. When they do get some painful affect, they think that God is punishing them they think that their trivial errors are worth God's specific attention to their punishment. If you try to straighten them out, by telling them that your feelings are different, beware: their idea of sharing their feelings is to do or say something that makes you feel the way they're feeling and, as they make a point of not sharing anything desirable, you can expect something really nasty. The sad fact seems to be that narcissists feel just as bad about themselves as they make others feel about them.

Narcissists are noted for their negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy outlook on life. Sarcasm seems to be a narcissistic specialty, not to mention spite. Lacking love and pleasure, they don't have a good reason for anything they do and they think everyone else is just like them, except they're honest and the rest of us are hypocrites. Nothing real is ever perfect enough to satisfy them, so are they are constantly complaining and criticizing -- to the point of verbal abuse and insult.

Given the above two paragraphs it is not at all surprising to me that she has never made a go of life there because she sees you as an extension of her.

The lines between the two of you are pretty much non existent; now she's using you almost as an unpaid therapist and you sadly are allowing her to do this to you. She really did train you well.

Thank you Hissy and Attila I was hoping for some virtual arse kicking and stern talking cos it has awakened some of the old guilt and FOG issues, the OG bits mainly.
I suppose I felt bad cos I skyped DB and we were chatting about his therapy sessions and I was telling him about DM. He was saying he suffers the negative thoughts thing, esp in relationships and that it is horrible, so I felt a bit bad maybe about being so blase about her. But then, the point is that he is doing something about it, and she won't. I think that's what bothers me with her, it's that she just takes the pills and wallows and expects me to prop her up. Not any more. Because it doesn't even work, it's counter productive in fact...makes her worse.
The thing that annoyed me was when I saw her it was all about how she's lonely, she never speaks to anyone. She was reminding me of a time when i lived abroad (before I was in this country).
I had been there since the september, sharing with 3 other Brits and was planning to stay there over the Easter break. Hadn't met any locals as I hadn't learnt much of the language by that stage and was living with 3 Brits.
Then plans changed and it turned out I'd be there all week and the others were all going to be away. So, I said I'd go back for the week to visit home as I didn't fancy the entire week with nobody even to talk to. She turned this into that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and that I would have gone mad if I'd stayed.
So, she was bringing this up on Wednesday.."remember how you felt that time..." and that it's like that for her, that she speaks to noone all week. I just said I didn't know what she expected me to do about that. "Oh, no, I'm not trying to have an argument or anything,but..."
I said she never rings me "I don't like to bother you, I know you're busy". I don't want her to ring me...but she could if she wanted, for a chat and on the whole she doesn't bother.
Said that she needs to go out and talk to people. I mean she lived for years on her own, why is this such a big deal? It's the undercurrent of that, I don't know...like she thinks it's some sort of cruel and unusual punishment to have to live on her own and see me maybe twice a week?
And there's always an excuse for why she can't make her life better...always. I'm disabled, I can't speak the language and now it's..I'm not well enough to go out...But if you don't do it, you'll sit wallowing for ever.
But, you're right. It's more of the same and I need to keep her at arm's length. Beautiful day today, regional holiday here. Going to the park ad then it's DH's birthday tomorrow so DS is going to help me make a cake. Goig to have a lovely family weekend and ignore histrionic mothers.

And, yes you are probably right that her end game is to engineer more contact or who knows...me divorcing DH and moving back in with her. HA HA. Can you imagine???? Argh. Brain bleach.

their idea of sharing their feelings is to do or say something that makes you feel the way they're feeling and, as they make a point of not sharing anything desirable, you can expect something really nasty

Yep my mil on Xmas Eve two years ago. Saying she wanted to kill herself she was that low - apparently. It was because she couldn't afford to go on her Xmas trip to Lanzarote.

G2B

You are right; you are still very much in the obligation and guilt parts with regards to your mother.

BTW does your brother have any sort of relationship with your mother these days?. Your brother is addressing these issues, your mother clearly is not and does not want to. She has you still in her clutches.

The best things you can do now on in is to a) be and remain as unavailable to her as possible and b) keep your children away from this woman too.

This observation of yours was very interesting;-

"I said she never rings me "I don't like to bother you, I know you're busy". I don't want her to ring me...but she could if she wanted, for a chat and on the whole she doesn't bother".

I do not want my MIL to ring me and it suits me for her not to do so.
These people simply cannot do chats; my MIL can barely do social conversation at all with anyone else in the outside world. She is very much a cold fish emotionally. There has never been any chit chat or opinion on world events (she has no opinion on anything, all her thoughts and ideas really are those thoughts and opinions gleaned from other people). My MIL says the self same things above to her darling boy!. She never rings here unless she absolutely has to really because she knows that her beloved son is not here during the day. She does not want to speak to me, I am very much the afterthought.

My mum does talk about current affairs etc but she sort of monologues and goes on and on and it's not really a conversation.
DB avoids her as much as poss. Msgs and the v occasional skype.

More simple than that G2B

This is about your DH birthday! She's reeling you in to ruin the weekend for him.

She always hated sharing you with him.

Rest assured, everything about her little chat with you - right down to the twisting things to suggest you were on the edge of a nervous breakdown (ffs) - is CONTRIVED.

And, yes you are probably right that her end game is to engineer more contact or who knows...me divorcing DH and moving back in with her.

You know that she has form for this. This is absolutely NO laughing matter.

Detach, be firm and tell her to go home. I sincerely doubt that she is taking her ADs.

"I don't like to bother you, I know you're busy"

Translated from NarcSpeak: too busy for your mother, I am a bother to you, you find me annoying, I know....

Woe is fucking me.

All bollocks

You're right Hissy, it's so she can do the martyr thing and she's hoping all do the running. I've just made DH's chocolate cinnamon cake and I'm feeling better since "talking" to you lot. I'm not taking any shit.
The funny thing is, I haven't ever suffered depression as such, but she was going on about feeling like there was a cactus expanding in her stomach (anxiety) and not having any appetite and having to force food down and it feeling like rocks and her head whirring with worry. And you know what? I felt like that last Christmas, when she stormed off. I lost about 8lbs. But I haven't told her that. And you know what else? I did something about it, I changed my life and now I'm better.
There are so many ways she could have a nice life here, but she won't do any of them, there's always some excuse or another.

And in relation to "I don't like to bother you, I know you're busy"

Translated from NarcSpeak: too busy for your mother, I am a bother to you, you find me annoying, I know....

She said (through tears) "I would never have come here if I'd known I'd be like this, if I'd known I'd get so ill and be such a burden.." Like, YEAH RIGHT . That's exactly why she came here. But I'm crap, I just go...don't worry or say, well you're here so you need to make a go of it.

Maybe change tack then.

Say to her that 'seriously, look, you are not integrating here, you are not making any effort, you are relentlessly unhappy. Nothing I can say or do will change any of this. Only you. You don't want to, so perhaps the best thing is to cut your losses, go back to the UK, take advantage of the NHS, make up with your old friends and live the life you can do in the UK. Spain is clearly not for you.'

Tell her too (as I did my ExP) 'I am not responsible for your happiness and don't want to be. I have my own life, my family etc and I won't be miserable just because it suits you.

I know that's harsh, but enough pussy footing has been done and DM, you are going around in circles. Either sort yourself out mentally, or go home and be happy/miserable somewhere else'

DISCLAIMER: I have had a terrible day at work and am perhaps not at my most empathetic....

What time IS wine o'clock?

I said that almost word for word at the time of the big fight, but she just comes up with excuses. Money, physical condition. None of which are real reasons....I don't know why she doesn't go, I wouldn't stay 8 years somewhere I hated. Which makes me think the lady doth protest too much.
Sending you virtual wine my lovely Hissy. Xxx

God what a bloody nightmare good, you've got a flaming Vampire Limpit there, haven't you? :(

I have an idea why she does not go - its because she can moan to you about her life, you provide her with a ready made audience. Also she sees you really as an extension of her own self, she is not at all interested in sorting out her life; she thinks her problems are due to other people and she cannot be possibly at fault here.

She would not be happy wherever she lived because she lives off the self created drama. She's a right ol' drama llama.

She certainly doth protest too much - time for you to reassess those already too low set boundaries of yours.

(on a much lighter note, can you still buy Tri Naranjus in Spain?. Love that drink muchly!).

Hissy

Sorry to read that today was crapola.

I believe that o'clock can start around now.

Please find attached some virtual vino and cake

I don't drink wine so I will join you by drinking some virtual Tri Naranjus!

Tri Naranja! Love that stuff, think it still exists! Think I saw it in mallorca a year or so ago!

In Boring berkshire traffic atm, so will have to wait :(

What should good do? Change the subject? Rebutt it? Tell her to Tenga una Grippa?

:)

Is the 'bore' approach the way to deal with this? It kinda works with other kinds of drama llamas...

At the risk of sounding pathetic:.. I am reeling as sil has put pics up on her fb of her holding my dd ... They were taken when dh last visited mil and sil just showed up too. Sil did happen to block me from fb and now all of a sudden im unblocked and shes put these pics of. She put another ridiculous e card motif thing about being 'un perfect' (i mean, seriously!?)
What I am most upset about is my reaction! I felt so sick and hopeless and pissed of seeing her holding my dd when i fucking hate her and shes been such a bitch to me ( and my family)
I am angry at how pathetic it has all become. Facebook goading etc has me reeling. I hate how powerless i feel over all this. I dont want my child used in her sick way to get at me ( i cannot prove she put this pic up to annoy me... But id bet my fecking life in it!) she is that sort of sad twat im afraid! I should add prior to blocking me she put up a big rant about me and dh using a child as weapon and we are immature basterds etc . ( all lies ) and now she puts this pic up. I just want to take my dd and flee from this fucking town of inbred, borderline retarded psychopathic narcissists !! ( god that feels better, sorry !)

On the whole I just kind of ignore it or offer obvious, non dramatic sensible advice. I just don't get her at all. Supposedly she's so alone, she speaks to nobody, needs the TV as "at least it's a voice" and I said on Weds that she could phone me if she wanted a chat, but she doesn't "oh, you're so busy". Not a peep from her since. She's been on whatsapp today I see but nothing to me, which is great for me, but wouldn't a normal person send a msg today or yday saying something like "nice to see you Weds"?
But then I suppose that's positive/normal etc and means she can't then say "I'm so alone, I've spoken to nobody since Weds" and then when I say "you could have phoned me" she'll say "you're so busy" and around it goes again.
It's that refusing to help herself that I find so annoying.

Myriad, block her love!

You don't need to have any contact with her.

G2B - somehow you're still invested in her being a decen dm to you.

Not going to happen. I suggest you just ignore, say, ..anyway.. and talk about something else.

Make your own life, be busy, let her do her thing.

hissy if i do do i not stoop myself to her sad level? I unfortunately do have to have contact as we live in small town and I will inevitably bump into her, eventually...

myriad, isnt it more a case of choosing to live your life as you want, ie, minus people who get at you and try to wind you up?

if you're thinking of it as stooping to her level, you're getting engaged. You don't want her, you don't want to deal with her, engage with her or see her stuff.

Take power and control and block her. And if she or anyone else questions it: "she winds me up something chronic, I don't want to deal with it any more and I'm happier without her". No (sensible) person can argue with that, if it makes you happier without her. And if they do, they've got their priorities wrong and do not have your best interests at heart.

g2b i feel for you. Still can't help thinking just how very, very far you've come though

hissy have a drink from me too, hope you're finally able to relax! weekend!