"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
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November 2011
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December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Myriad, are you asking about the entertainment aspect that I mentioned?

I have had the feeling from toxic sister that one of her dynamics was to wind me up just for entertainment. For example, I am not a morning person. If we were both visiting df for holidays/birthday/whatever she would be up before me then always always have a rude comment within the first minute of me entering the room. (Df was deaf, btw.) I would have a grumpy reply or mannerism born from the pure frustration of being subjected to EA first thing. And she would sit there with that smug look or comment on my behavior...her entertainment; scoring points at my expense.

I have not read toxic parents...perhaps I should, even though mother passed 33 years ago, and df-16 years ago.

It's a really good book, band. I'd say it's worth reading even if your parents are dead because it gives some new insights and perspectives on things, or at the very least sums them up often in a rather good way.

I'm convinced some toxic people just lurve making others look bad. Experienced people can pick up what's going on, but these sly tactics take in most people who haven't had that experience :/

Ah I see, andthebandplayedon. Yeah I see what you mean and have experienced that too! MIL and SIL would be all "i love you" one min, then threatening / acting like im nothing to them the next. Really superficial behaviour. I feel miL def tried to provoke me too, she does with everyone in order to e a victem and cry to all who will listen. As soon as you walk in the door shes all dramatic saying sit down i have something to tell you. Then she proceeds to tell you how yet gain someone has bullied her (be it sil, her dad, her mate).
In specific regards to her pro king me... She will go on and on about how hard dh works to me, not listening to me and how hard it is at home with a baby that never slept. She will push it and push it- like she is trying to put us against eachother.
On the day we fell out she said to me : dh and I should split, we are very different people (not true), I am difficult to live with , get used to being a single mother. She phoned me!! When I retorted that she only sees things from dhs point of veiw etc (in a calm manner) she exclaimed : "There is no point in having a go at me!" What the fuck!? I was merely defending myself! She provokes and provokes then cries all day about what you reply with! She was saying to dh that I had said horrible things to her and she was sooo ill (shes not) when e dared to defend me. Argh, the more i vent about this the more i never want to see her smug face again.

Dh also said last night he feels sorry for his mum and he's going to let her watch dd more if she wants to. I cant help feel im to blame to his pain in feeling guilt for his mother. But I cannot associate with them again. Its just very hard in such a small town. I know I am going to have to see them again :/

MIL wants to meet up and 'sort this out'.
I dont.
I think DH is considering it.
She texted a whole mass of lies contridicting herself and trying to make us feel sorry for her.

She said she doesn't understand what she's done. We've explained. 3 times
She has twisted it. again

What can i do? Say?
I dont want my kids to see her.

Hey myriad I can't help but feel that even though she lies about you and treats your shockingly, your dh is still offering your dd as a crutch to make her feel better. I don't think he is offering any support to you at all.

I will not allow mil to baby sit since she turned up with friends and a carrier bag of wine. They are all in their late fifties. When we got back an hour and half later, dd was up being passed about.

She is not allowed to take her out in her car as she failed her test 15 years ago due to bad eye sight and is driving round on a provisional

The fact that I was seen as the baddie for not allowing this, staggered me! I had to speak very slowly to dp and say" if your mother crashes the car because she is blind as a bat. And she breaks dd back, there will be NO insurance because it will be void and we won't be able to afford a fucking wheel chair for her. Her other three DGC are regularly ferried around.

It dosnt sit easy with me, if my mil had openly threatened or been aggressive to me I would stop contact with dd.

Hi mommy

Your in a great position of being nc, I would keep it like that. You can't stop your dh but you can stop dc.

She will never change. You can only change how you conduct your life

myriad you are also not to blame for his guilt. she is. What about your unhappyness?

She is manipulating you through dh.

mommybird,

MIL wants to meet up and 'sort this out'.

Toxic people like your MIL always but always want the last word and I would also be considering police involvement if she continues her campaign of harassment against your family.

Absolutely do not agree to any meeting!!.

Its so lovely not seeing her!
We have had the odd text here and there but the latest has really stressed me out.
She has made up lies and its blatent to me she is grasping at straws because its not going her way!

I think DH would like to see her as it is his mom. I get that. He has said he doesnt want to see her if shes not seeing the kids as she will nag him and it'll stress him out.
I get that too. She wouldn't let it drop and would chip away at him.

I wouldn't mind trying to sort it all out if it would work.
But i know exactly how it'll go.

"You have done xyz"
"No i havn't/ i didnt mean it like that.."
"Well. Yes you did"
"Well. I didnt mean too"

And thats it. No need to go.

Attila

She has now said the reason she couldnt come down for 8 weeks was because she was having tests for a tumour. She has had a 'funny tummy' due to medication and didn't want the kids catching anything...
This is the first we have heard of it.

The reason she gave us before was because she couldnt get to our house/couldnt get a lift/we was being akward and not making time for her...then it was because we told her not to come down...and now its because she was ill.
What next? alien abduction?

She doesnt know FIL was texting/ringing us trying to organise visits..if she was 'ill' why would FIL be trying to organise visits?

I was thinking about meeting up just to see what she has to say for herself. See what other lies she has to say.

. He has said he doesnt want to see her if shes not seeing the kids as she will nag him and it'll stress him out

Tell him not to bother then.

Im NC with my own mother and it's not effected dd1 one bit. I actually thought it was six years but it's more like 8! Time flys in the blink of an eye hey!

I'm in different position with mil, she stays relatively under the radar with me but as had big fall outs with SIL but then I'm only three years in. SIL has had 18 years.

I've seen mil emotionally abusing her other dgc 10,13, 18 and that what worries me. There has been times where they have had to choose between mil and there own mother. I'm not going to let her do that with dd2.

MIL wasn't allowed Dd by herself as she had a strop because the dogs wasn't allowed near dd and she wasn't allowed to smoke when we was there.

FiL has tried to tell me how much MIl would love dd on her own. I just smiled and nodded. Nothing was mentioned after that.

Dd hasn't even mentioned her in 6 months. She isn't missing out as she was never a stable role in her life. She hardly saw her and when she did she didn't pay much attention to her.

mommy don't even engage or be part of her little fantasy.

My mil was being told a few home truth - gently- at a family do. She burst out crying and declared She had bowel cancer, then ran out side. Several members ran after her. Then she came in and people started asking questions. She had not even been to the doctors.

Apparently her pooh was black.
Her sister turned round and said "it's probably your diet of red wine and cigarettes !
She told her ex husband she was gravely I'll too. No one believed her, second time she had done this. Doctor did tests and said it was diet.

This is what I mean it's a family joke. Everyone just thinks she is highly strung, pushy and neurotic . When she pulls one of her stunts people just shake there head in amazement but no one actually says anything because the crocodile tears start.

Ah mommy the old smoking issue. The shit I went through when dd was born and MLS smoking. unbelievably selfish.

We are currently at mil smoking outside front door, pecking fag out, walking back in to house breathing smoke out in to the house and going to pick dd up. She stinks the living room out.

When she goes for a smoke, dd come up stairs with me.

Her car is full of stuff she has bought for dd but reeks of smoke so bad, she will never have them

We had all that too!
I would have to bath dd when she came home as she used to stink.

DH has said he wants to leave it and not talk to her. Phew.

My mum is narcissistic and my dad a nasty enabler. I was fed up with my mum hating ds2 and treating ds1 kindly. We went to CAMHS as "there is something wrong" with ds2. it turns out there was something wrong with my mum. I have realised that my childhood and now was very mentally abusive and I need to protect my dcs from them. I haven't listed all the things they have done. We fell out when I stood up to them about missing the start of ds2's sports day. This was around ds1's birthday on the friday. We had arranged to see them on the Saturday after his birthday as they had arranged a treat for ds1. they weren't speaking to me at this point. They turned up at ds1's school at lunchtime on the thursday got him alone in a room at school 'to give him his presents'. I later found out. God knows what they said to him as he was so upset he had the runs twice, then threw up on his birthday on the friday. I know they did this just to make a point me and ruin his birthday.
It is my mums birthday tomorrow and I am really churned up about it. I am really worried that they will turn up and some how get to my dcs. Dh has taken the day off tomorrow to support me but I am terrified they will get to my dcs somehow. The schools have it in writing that my parents are not to have access to my dcs, but I am worried that they will do something to and from school or call from the road while they are out to play. They have only had one day off for sickness each this school year. I would feel more comfortable if they were at home. I am worried that I will be giving them the wrong message too keep them at home.
I feel like I am still in the prison my parents have created. What would you guys do?

Is it okay just to join in and tell my story? I don't even know where to begin it. I think I hate my parents. We aren't NC entirely, but very little contact these days - we live far apart. The less contact I have with them, the happier I am. But I can't quite make the statement to them that I never want to see or hear from them ever again. I think about them a lot though - a lot of replaying of endless conversations and incidents and painful episodes from the past. I'm in my 40s, I've had therapy, I've read 'Toxic parents' - I wish I could just move on!

It is scary to go nc. I have managed to survive (and generally I am much happier, although i am grieving,) for 7 months. You can only go nc when you are ready. try writing a mood journal to help you grieve the relationship you want but can't have and the childhood you didn't have. It is hard but ultimately it has given me the beginnings of a new life, which in my opinion is worth living. As you can see from my previous post letting go of the fear and conditioning from childhood is not easy. Also having to make my own parenting decisions is difficult as I had no role models. I am in my 40s too!

Hello spanky and mrs

spanky that sounds hideous , how fucking dare they! Keep them at home and take them out for the day. You will only be worrying your self sick all day! Feeling fury for you and ds!

mrs feel free to join! I'm quiet new myself but this crowd is very friendly and extremely supportive. I've been NC with my mother for years and still had pangs of guilt that she was lonely. Till I started reading up and seen her for who she was. It's hard to understand why these people didn't love us the way they should off. It's not our fault though , it's all on their toes x

spanky you really shouldn't give in to her, which is what keeping them off would be.

Why the hell should your DC LIE about sickness because of (a) HER and (b) the school's piss poor security up till now.

No WAY should they have been granted access to the DC during the school day, nevermind alone in a room.

I hope that you read them the riot act.

Go to the school this afternoon, speak to the HT and warn them that there may be a risk of her trying something. Reiterate that she is not to have ANY contact with your DC whatsover and that the school MUST treat any appearance by her as that of a hostile and dangerous stranger. They must call the police if ANYONE is seen hanging around, trying to engage with children in their care, or attempting to gain access to the premises.

Can you please ask your DC to immediately tell a teacher/dinner lady/HT if they see their GP?

mrs happy to have you here! You don't need to make big statements to them. You knowing that you don't want them in your life anymore is enough.

mrs actually hissy is bang on.

Hi spanky,

What Hissy stated.

How on earth were they allowed to see your son at all?. I'd read the riot act to these people and remind them of their statutory responsibilities.

I would talk to the school this afternoon. Do not hesitate to get the police involved if they make or try to make contact with you or your children.

Meh.
well, we went out and she does appear to be suffering some anxiety and I did feel sorry for her as it must be horrible to be her. We talked a bit about how she has to do it herself, that I can't help her beyond practicalities. Gave her some CBT type ideas, like getting out even if only into the garden and we talked about negative thoughts.
I do feel bad and have to fight the urge to try to "solve" it for her, but I know I am right that she has to find her own way out of this and either create a life here that she can be happy in or go somewhere else. But it's hard and tiring and all a bit depressing.

Sorry G2B, I don't buy it. We've had the histrionics before.

Repeat the cbt methods, but tell her if she really can't hack it, she has to go home to the UK as it's just not working out, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do. Only she can fix this.