How to deal with angry sulking

[whydoesthisfeelhorrid]

First post but am a regular lurker!

Am looking for a bit of distraction!! On Saturday me and dh had a massive row ending with us both shouting and eventually he left the house to cool down.

Returned about five hours later, suspect he had been to carry out his hobby, but still very cross and angry.

Has now been sulking for two days. Atmosphere is very frosty and not enjoying it. Would go and stay with family but have no transport and need to be at work in the morning.

Neither of us particularly at fault, just escalated into something completely out of proportion after I made a comment that I thought was funny.

So lovely ladies, how would you deal with this situation? He is sleeping in the spare bed and from past history will do for a few days before he thaws out.

Been together ten years, about to start ttc soon. Have both had a stressful year with him loosing his father and me dealing with redundancy and other issues.

Any advice welcome, but would like positive ways to try and deal with this if possible.

think really seriously before having a child with this man because when you have a small baby who is needing attention around the clock you will need his help and emotional support every day for your own survival

This is so very, very true.

I doesn't matter what awful trauma in his childhood if any might have led to him acting like a twat when he doesn't get his own way.

Please don't inflict a sulky father on children. My DP's dad was a sulker. Ruined countless family holidays. Really soured his childhood.

It's as bad as more overt forms of abuse, in my book.

My dad's like this. I think my mum thought she could change him but guess what, 40 odd years on he's worse than ever and she loathes him. She plays him at his own game now and sulks back, they would go weeks without speaking when I was at home. I actually think it's a form of abuse (though he does other stuff too and is, generally, a bully).

I would say sulkers don't change but, actually, when I met DH I was a sulker too - we learn from our parents eh? - and now I can see how unhealthy it is I'm actually the total opposite and go out of my way to talk things out. So there you go!

I agree with a previous poster.
Stop doing things for him.
No cooking, washing, shopping, cleaning etc....
See how long the sulking lasts after that.
I don't think this is a LTB as he's only done it 4 times in 10 years.
But my ExH did this to me once when we first moved in together.
I packed up my stuff and went back to my mums.
When he came round grovelling wondering what had happened I explained that I will NOT be ignored.
He is NOT a child and as we are grown ups with a good education and vocabulary we are quite capable of talking things through like adults.
Turns out, that was all he really knew. His mum used to do it and he learnt from her behaviour. Didn't happen again after that!
He knew it was a dealbreaker for me from then on!

please read other thread on helping the species, and about how real relationships should be.

sulking is for toddlers. If this is how he deals with an argument, think twice and three times about tying yourself with his baby.

don't waste time with hints or games.

Personally, I couldn't abide living with a sulker, but if it's a case of him behaving like this only very occasionally (e.g. third time in 10 years), I can understand why you wouldn't want to LTB over it.

What you need to think about is why is this the third time? Why this argument and not the one you had last month?

Did you honestly say something that bad that he's seriously hurt by it? That wouldn't excuse his behaviour but may be worth exploring as a separate issue thrown up by this development. Or is he unhappy over something else entirely and just using this row as a focus? In which case, he needs to learn to be more self-aware and better able at expressing himself in healthy ways.

Or is this particular sulk timed deliberately because he feels you are getting ideas above your station? Is it in fact a calculated attempt to put you on the back foot so that he has control? Have you done something that gives you more independence/meant he's had to take on more housework/childcare for example? Or has your redundancy made you more vulnerable and he's simply capitalising on it knowing you'll be less likely to fight back?

Three sulks in 10 years is more than I'd tolerate but I'd say it's probably well within the parameters of an otherwise healthy relationship. We can all be twats from time to time and part of the payoff of loving someone is that we're forgiven for being twats if it's exceptionally rare (although there are obvious exceptions, such as violence). What you need to do is examine his behaviour in the context of the rest of your relationship to see if it is genuinely a rare occurrence or part of a wider pattern that needs addressing.

However, think really seriously before having a child with this man because when you have a small baby who is needing attention around the clock you will need his help and emotional support every day for your own survival. A sulky episode at that point would have a profoundly negative impact.

what branching out said. Especially if anything goes a bit wrong and you need a bit of extra support / help.

sometimes you -need- someone there, need them to rise above childish sulking. If he can't / isnt willing to do that, then you need to think carefully and put measures in place on how to cope and get the support that maybe you'll need.

Children are amazing, but they will test your relationship a great deal too.

Thank you to everyone that has taken time to reply to this post and for being realistic about it rather than just saying leave. There is some really good advice on here that I need to carefully think about before I decide how we progress long term.

Bit of an update, came home from work to a big bunch of flowers, a DVD I was wanting and a cooked tea, along with a big sorry I am an idiot. You'll all be pleased to know I didn't cajole or try and bring him round, just ignored it completely, which is a first for me. We will need to have a long discussion about this in the next few days but feel more positive that should it happen again this is the way to deal with it.

Am feeling very strong and hopeful for the future, other than this occasional episode he is fabulous. The comment about learned behaviour is very interesting, might look into this a bit more.

Thanks again for helping when I needed the support.

Ah, now that's nice, there's hope for him yet

Cooked meal? Pah! My ex used to buy me gold after he treated me like shit.

I had LOADS of the stuff.

Every single piece had a bad story attached to it. I sold it all and it paid for therapy to recover from living with him for 10yrs.

He's hoovering you back in so that you spoil him on valentines day probbly.

It'll be all about him, whatever the excuse for his volta face.

Do not, under any circumstances, have a child with this man.

You think you know what he does to punish you now? That's nothing in comparison to what he'll do to you when he's trapped you with his child.

You'll get weeks and months of silent treatment. Your child will grow up an expert in walking on broken glass, and conveying messages between 2 horrifically sad people.

Your OH needs to discuss stuff life a grown up, or ftfo until he can discuss stuff like a grown up.

You can do better than this. Don't blight a child's life with a father like this one.

Hissy I think you might be projecting just a bit

The OP is going to sit her DH down and talk it through with him as I understand it. And she has a new strategy for dealing with him if he tries it again in two years time!

Until the time that has failed she is not ready to LTB as he is otherwise a goodun.

I think that's a cautiously positive outcome OP. I agree with Dahlen above who wrote a really perceptive post about seeing this as part of a pattern and examining the pattern. It does show that cajoling is not the way to go so glad that has been a useful revelation for you

He has a history of withholding until he deems it acceptable to resume contact.

Sulking for days, barely speaking, sleeping in the spare room.

One teeny step away from one of the nastiest and most manipulative techniques that exists; Stonewalling.

Why should a grown woman put up with an overgrown toddler?

I hope he does pack his malarkey in, because otherwise behaviour like his erodes all respect, invites contempt into the relationship and kills it stone dead.

Op has managed to 'ignore' his behaviour this time because she's already tiring of it.

I'm not projecting, that was a long time ago. I see a manipulative pattern of behaviour. Normal adults don't behave like this.

I think you definitely have a point there about the respect hissy. It does kill respect, and sex appeal too, when someone sulks.

To be very honest, his reaction is over the top.
It feels like the cycle of abuse. And the type of thing ex used to do.

That the sulk was for two days and it involved him going to sleep in another room.
He should know that another one like that and it would be permanent.
I'd also be cautious about TTCing right now. You should first see what happens.

That's a better outcome on this occasion.
Make sure you do have the chat though.
Let him know - NEVER AGAIN can he do this.
With TTC, the last thing you will need is two children to deal with!
As he's generally a good'un I'm sure you can sort this out.
Good luck!

Just thought I'd give a view from the other side. I have, on occasion been accused of 'sulking'.

My wife finds it very difficult to see things from any other angle than her own which leads to conflict. I try to calm things down and talk but unless I agree completely with her she will continue to fight her corner. I really don't want to get angry at her so I will walk away to cool down and think thing over. She hates this and accuses me of 'sulking' but it's either that or we fight for hours with no resolution or I back down and agree to her demands.

I am not trying to stop myself from abusing her or trying to get my way. It's simply a case of "I'm not going to take this s*t any more until we both calm the F*k down"

I'm not trying to say that it's OK or that the same reasons apply to anyone else in this thread. I'm just not sure it's wise for people on this thread to assume it's a black & white subject based on manipulation and aggression.

Cooling off for a while is a good idea.

Not speaking to the other person for days and moving to the other room is emotionally abusive.

dAdDy40, your wife needs to grow up and start considering other points of view in discussions. It will be draining for you. I would suggest that you confront this head on when you are both calm and find ways of discussing rather than arguing, or rather battling a point.

She sounds abusive, actually.

Why do people sulk? I can answer that because it's still my default setting now! So, this is what works for my OH with me.

I sulk because I don't feel like I've been understood or taken seriously enough by my DH and can feel frustrated and even let down by him.

So, I think the best way is to not let it continue. I'm not a bitch or a martyr and get no pleasure from being upset. It's much better when my DH is proactive rather than getting draw into a who is most offended competition as this helps nobody. 'I love you so much and can see you're upset' is a great start, and then a big hug.

It makes one hell of a difference to feel like I'm being taken seriously and that my feelings are important, even if we don't agree, or he can't feel as I do about something. I don't like to be upset, frustrated or angry and would far rather not be. I like it even less if I'm feeling alone and dismissed in that. Having my hubby recognise my upset whilst still disagreeing with me is vital. It shows that he is very strong in his briefs and not just being dismissive or having an off and thoughtless day. Off and thoughtless days happen for both of us so knowing your OH is taking things seriously makes all the difference because then you reach the stage of agreeing to disagree much quicker.

Taking time to cool off and reflect is a most reasonable thing to do. As long as you communicate that that is what you want to do .

Walking off and not talking - wrong
Saying that you need time to calm down and think and then talk - reasonable

it is impossible to have a productive conversation with someone who is shouting or who is so busy trying to say what they want that they are unable to listen. Not agree neccesarily, but listen.
effective conflict resolution requires both parties to be calm and reasonable. Angry, shouty, raging people who are consumed with being right or having the last word, cannot solve problems.

Thanks all. Very interesting to see it from both points of view, the sulker too!! Thanks for sharing.

There will indeed be a talk, probably at the weekend when we have time to get into things. I have no issue with people wanting time or space to think, and sometimes walking away is the best thing, but it's the prolonged sulk that I can't be doing with. Have decided I ask how he feels we should deal with arguments like this rather than storming out and see what he thinks but am likely to tell him next time he is the spare room until he can find somewhere else to live. Ultimately don't want to deal with this, even if it is that infrequent.

Some of your positive messages have been good to see, I will give it a chance this time and see what happens in future ttc definitely on the back burner at the moment though!!