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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family pressuring me

93 replies

FeelingRailroaded · 10/02/2014 10:41

Sorry I have NCed and this will be the most frustratingly vague OP ever (to avoid outing me).

I am under pressure from family to do something that will benefit my parents and sister financially but financially have a detrimental impact on me. I have been pushed to make an immediate decision on this and been made to feel really guilty about it.

Part of me would like to be in a position to help them out but I feel resentful because:
a) I am feeling emotionally blackmailed into it
b) I have a lot on my plate at the minute and asked for a week to think about it, only to be told no I need to say yes today (or be the worst in the world.)
c) My sister (who is financially benefitting from the situation) is in a position to help but doesn't want to lose money herself so is foisting things onto me! She will be gaining a lot while I am losing a lot for no gain!
d) Because it's family there will be no contracts involved - I have a feeling the situation could drag on for a long time, costing me a lot of money and resentment, with no prospect of amicable resolution if the shit hits the fan.
e) It could get very costly for me for all sorts of reasons.

My gut instinct is to say no now, ride out the storm and be made to feel like a bitch, on the basis that it will probably end better than me saying yes and then being full of resentment and a row developing down the line.

Either way it's a lose-lose situation for me.

So really I am asking: have you been in this situation before (being railroaded into subsidising other people's transactions at your own loss)? And what did you do?

TIA.

OP posts:
shey02 · 10/02/2014 10:43

Just say no. This is going to hurt you alot more down the road if you say yes and likely you will still be the villain even if you give out.

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 10/02/2014 10:44

No is a complete sentence. Hell No is an even better one.

Busybusybust · 10/02/2014 10:46

Say no and suggest your sister does it instead as she's going to benefit.

But say NO anyway.

MrsBartowski · 10/02/2014 10:47

Say no.

Honestly, if they aren't willing to give you fair amount of time to decide then they are not taking your risks seriously at all. And that is not likely to change. They clearly don't care about the potential outcomes for you - it's up to you to protect yourself.

Funnyfoot · 10/02/2014 10:51

I read the first bit of your OP and stopped at the part where it would be detrimental to you. That's enough don't do it.

My family years and years ago wanted me to get a loan from the bank to help buy my then flaky brother a work van. I refused as I had never had a loan and didn't ever want one.
I was told he will be unemployed, it would be my fault and I should do it because we are family. Brother was unable to get a loan due to shitty credit.
I stood firm even in the face of "he would do it for you". I replied he wouldn't have to because I am better with money and would not dream of putting somebody I loved in such a position of emotional blackmail.

Things were strained for a while but as I said I stood firm.
Years down the line my DB and I had a chat about it, he admitted that back than he probably would not of paid me back and was so self involved he wouldn't of cared if I fell out with him. However he is now a good egg and has sorted himself out he says my decision probably saved our relationship and he respects me for it.

People who love you don't force you to do things that are not in your best interests or will cause you hurt.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2014 10:52

No

Morgause · 10/02/2014 10:53

Say no straight away. If they try to beat you down just say the risks are too great for you. If they bang on say you aren't going to discuss it any more, they'll have to find another way.

bumbumsmummy · 10/02/2014 10:58

If it has to be done today say No switch off your phone and go and stay with a friend then breath a huge sigh of relief

If they loved you they wouldn't put you in this position

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2014 10:58

Putting you in such a position to start with is not acceptable for a start.
All the reasons you state are valid ones not to get involved at all. Family and money can be a toxic mix.

No is a complete sentence; just say no to their request/demands for money. Presumably they have always put on you like this as well.

FrogGreen · 10/02/2014 11:00

say something like: I really wish I could help, if there was a way I could help that didn't cost me so much in terms of money and risk I would do it in a flash, but the way you have suggested is too much for me, especially right now.

DwellsUndertheSink · 10/02/2014 11:01

No. If the sister is in a position to do this BUT doesnt want the financial risk, then why should you accept the risk - especially as you have nothing to gain. Whats good for her is good for you also.

FrogGreen · 10/02/2014 11:01

and then don't worry or feel bad about it for one more second

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/02/2014 11:02

Let me think about this... NO. They are being unreasonable to bully you into a situation that will be detrimental to you. Especially when denied time to think it through.

Holdthepage · 10/02/2014 11:03

Just say no & as bumbumsmummy says, turn your phone off & make yourself uncontactable for a few days.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 10/02/2014 11:04

Another no vote.
No particular experience to share but the dual attack of putting you in a detrimental position without any thought for you and putting you under extreme emotional pressure is enough for me to know you shouldn't do it.

Original poster
FeelingRailroaded · 10/02/2014 11:05

Thank you. I am feeling sick and stressed from it to be honest - not what I need with a hugely busy worktrip coming up (which is why I had asked for more time).

It's a slightly unusual situation - it involves an asset that is not being used, hasn't been used for some time but which DH and I are planning to sell. Their attitude is that since I haven't been using it (and have been paying for it like a sucker ) I should let them use it ( and keep paying for it like a sucker ). They have offered to do some work which would probably cover it if they a) did the work (no guarantee) and b) were only using it for a couple of months - but I have a feeling it could drag on for a while which would cost me a lot more that they will be paying for.

I actually feel sick and guilty - initially I was angry that I was going to be the bad guy for everyone else's gain - now I just feel :(

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingRailroaded · 10/02/2014 11:06

And should make clear it's not about risking money - just loaning an asset for free (sister could do the same but doesn't want to as she doesn't want to lose the money - but she is the one gaining from the whole situation in the first place!)

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/02/2014 11:09

Don't feel guilty.

They pushed for an early answer and the early answer is NO.

The end.

Mishmashfamily · 10/02/2014 11:13

dont do it

I had to make a similar decision just after Christmas . There was emotional blackmail involved.

I choose not to do it.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Mishmashfamily · 10/02/2014 11:15

Don't feel bad Flowers

Matildathecat · 10/02/2014 11:19

No no no.

Especially if no legal framework.

HazleNutt · 10/02/2014 11:21

sister could do the same but doesn't want to as she doesn't want to lose the money - but she is the one gaining from the whole situation in the first place
Obviously sister should be doing it.

Preciousbane · 10/02/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 10/02/2014 11:21

Say no. It is very clear that you don't want to. Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 10/02/2014 11:22

And point out that your sister could afford to do it and ask them why they think it is ok for you to lose money.