Family pressuring me

[FeelingRailroaded]

Sorry I have NCed and this will be the most frustratingly vague OP ever (to avoid outing me).

I am under pressure from family to do something that will benefit my parents and sister financially but financially have a detrimental impact on me. I have been pushed to make an immediate decision on this and been made to feel really guilty about it.

Part of me would like to be in a position to help them out but I feel resentful because:
a) I am feeling emotionally blackmailed into it
b) I have a lot on my plate at the minute and asked for a week to think about it, only to be told no I need to say yes today (or be the worst in the world.)
c) My sister (who is financially benefitting from the situation) is in a position to help but doesn't want to lose money herself so is foisting things onto me! She will be gaining a lot while I am losing a lot for no gain!
d) Because it's family there will be no contracts involved - I have a feeling the situation could drag on for a long time, costing me a lot of money and resentment, with no prospect of amicable resolution if the shit hits the fan.
e) It could get very costly for me for all sorts of reasons.

My gut instinct is to say no now, ride out the storm and be made to feel like a bitch, on the basis that it will probably end better than me saying yes and then being full of resentment and a row developing down the line.

Either way it's a lose-lose situation for me.

So really I am asking: have you been in this situation before (being railroaded into subsidising other people's transactions at your own loss)? And what did you do?

TIA.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

I don't think it's a question of hiding behind DH, I think it's fair to be clear that you take your decisions jointly and that you as an individual have first responsibility to him and your joint family welfare i.e. that despite being their child, you are now in an adult partnership not still under their control as it were.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

They have offered to do some work which would probably cover it

Sorry, but folk who'll emotionally blackmail you, bully you and say you're selfish aren't going to "cover it" at all ... they'll simply come up with more "poor me" excuses and attack you if you pursue it

Just stick to a simple "no" and refuse to discuss it further. Granted they'll whine but they'd have whined later anyway - this way you avoid a financial mess AND break the pattern of them trying to use you in the future

[FeelingRailroaded]

They don't want to buy the asset if only they just want to use it without charge (other than offering to do a bit of work when I KNOW they are full of good intentions but will be far too busy). Their argument is that I've been 'wasting' money paying for it for a while so I may as well keep paying for it and let them use it. I want rid of it.

Puzzled I am inclined to agree with you there.

DH is flat out at work but we're going to talk about it this afternoon so we are singing from the same hymn sheet.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

If you want rid of it, can you not say no, we need the money, we have decided that we need to sell it. ?

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

It is telling that they do not want to buy it, or rent for a fair price either I assume (if they were to repair the asset, they would get say nee or two onto free at the end if the tenancy, not at the beginning of course, otherwise nothing would ever happen).

That said, this is about other adults not respecting your boundaries, so please say no as it is your wish and sell ASAP.

If they complain. Offer to sell to them.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

You're being very wise in making sure both you and OH are on the same page - manipulators always try to exploit ANY chink in your armour, but only if you let them

It's not their place to say whether you're "wasting money" since it's your money, not theirs - and I wouldn't give them credit for "good intentions" since your posts suggest their only interest is getting what they want, whatever the cost to you

I'd suggest that any "explanation" you give will just lead to more "yes, buts ..." Therefore the only possible answer is "That doesn't work for me" and if really pushed "I can't discuss it any further"

[EllieQ]

I would echo everyone else and say you need to say No. Your family are astoundingly selfish if they think it's fine for you to take all the financial risk instead of your sister.

Like a PP, I think I recognise you from the other place. If you are the person I think you are, you know your sister will take advantage of you! Though I would add, as you have not been using the asset but have still been paying for it, you will probably have given the impression that you have plenty of money (so could take the financial risk), and also that you're not really committed to your new life as you have kept the asset as a 'back-up'.

Obviously if you are not that poster, apologies!

[FeelingRailroaded]

I am not the other poster you are thinking of as I am a bit confused by the previous post

[FeelingRailroaded]

FFS. DH is now hedging his bets and saying we need to be careful to avoid a family row. At the same time he acknowledges that the situation will probably drag on for months with none of the promised work getting done meaning that we won't be able to sell. Really disappointed that he seems to be worrying more about 'the family' at the expense of our own interests. It's making me question myself and wonder if I am being unreasonable.

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

No. In writing.

If you had said yes, I'm guessing that in 2 months it would come back to bite you when you couldn't get them to stop using the asset. And their using the asset would make it almost impossible to sell it.

No. In writing. No need to justify or explain yourself.

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

x-post

In the light of your most recent post:

No. In writing.

[Saxie]

Tell them you have an offer on the table and ask if they can match it. Which is like no, but not no. It will give them pause to think while you take the situation out if their hands.

[Mellowandfruitful]

Shame about your DH but still say no. They are causing any row, not you.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Listen, I think a fall-out is inevitable. Either now (because you say no) or later, when the family renege on their promises. So I would say no now and get it over with without losing any money.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

No. And again. No. Don't let yourself be railroaded into this.

[ShimmeringInTheSun]

If your sister can say No, then so can you.

No. No. No. No. No.

[FeelingRailroaded]

Thanks. Trying to stiffen my resolve. So annoyed that I am being put in this position. Honestly no matter what happens I will end up the villain of the piece.

[FeelingRailroaded]

Also annoyed about DH because in a previous row with my parents my mum behaved outrageously and then instead of just apologising started a campaign to rewrite the whole incident and get my DH to agree with her that I was to blame like that was going to happen

[RandomMess]

You need to say "no, that doesn't work for us" end of. Be brave!

[clam]

Why is their upset of greater importance than yours?

[Hissy]

So... you've always been the scapegoat then?

You won't win, whatever you decide.

DON'T agree to anything. Let the shit hit the fan! How dare they bully you!

Have you seen the thread here called Stately Homes?

[ContinentalKat]

No, no, no, unless your family agree to "do it properly": rent contract (or whatever) drawn up by a solicitor, fixed term, deposit.
Give them a week to think about it.

[Hissy]

You have NC, so can you please be more detailed about what's what?

[FeelingRailroaded]

It's done. There was a row. I am at fault and leaving everyone in the shit.
I have done what I felt needed to be done but there is no sense of achievement. I feel guilty and sad and I think there will be a shitstorm. I also feel totally manipulated.

[ToBeSure]

Oh commiserations OP It was never going to end well but it sounds like you did the right thing.

Have some and .

Try not to dwell on it and keep reminding yourself that it wasn't your fault.