Please help.

[Loveyouthree]

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading :(

You aren't weak and pathetic at all OP, you're just at a very vulnerable time in your life and he's taking advantage of that big time.

Stop texting him altogether. Switch off your phone and leave it somewhere else. Find something else to think about, read a magazine, watch TV, just make up your mind not to text him again and stick with it.

Keep posting on here - there will always be someone to talk to.

You are not weak. He's doing this on purpose. Words are cheap my dear, it's actions that count. Violence is not ever a sign of love. Rape is not a sign of love. Verbal abuse is not a sign of love. His texts are meaningless.

Post with us instead. Take a nytol and sleep for the night. Do not text, keep your phone off.

Big hugs to you.

abuse to me is stopping your partner going out or having friends, punching them for the sake of it, humiliating them. Things he just wouldn't do.
'Doesn't do??? He punches you because he can. Because he wants to. For the sake of it. IT IS NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE, OR NOT DONE! HE PUNCHES YOU BECAUSE HE CAN, and he likes it.
Humiliating them - like throwing an iPad out into the garden? That is humiliating you in front of your children, who were 'laughing' at it! Like pointing out your stretch marks?

Stopping your partner going out - you think this is the worst kind of abuse, don't you, because that's what you did? You tried to stop him going out? The hitting, threats, punching - that's nothing, to stopping him going out? Has he told you that? Has he made you feel that you are the abusive one?

You are hanging on your phone, begging for attention, wanting his 'love' - he is throwing you a few morsels, a few 'i love you's, a crumb of thought - and you are grateful! You are already minimising what he's done, thinking he's about to change; he will not. Why shuold he? He's got you crawling back already! Don't do it - for your dc, if not for you.

OP - do you still think he is not controlling?

If he is in bed crying it should be because he is so ashamed of what a nasty piece of work he is.
He's acted like an utter utter bastard to someone, broken their self confidence to the extent they would rather be beaten and treated like shit than think they can't manage without them.
You need this sorry excuse of a man out of your life as you are worth more than that. And your children deserve more than a punchbag of a mother.
I hope you find happiness.
men like this do not change. They get worse.
He doesn't live you. He thinks he does but he doesn't. He loves using and controlling you and taking his frustrations at his own shortcomings out on you.
that isn't love.
be strong. Be safe. And you are a good person who will get through this and move on and find peace.

Oh god, I didn't want to come back to all of this. I've just been on the phone to him for two hours and he was really upset... I've never heard him cry before. I've given in and given him another chance... Got such a bad feeling already but I just couldn't do it anymore.

He told me something that he's never told anyone and it's a huge thing, it doesn't excuse his behaviour (which he admitted) but it explains a lot of the moods I think.

I think I would have gone through with this if we didn't have to sort out all the finances and the house and the kids. It's just too much. Sorry.

It's not us you need to say sorry to, it's your CHILDREN, for guarantee they grow up damaged, because you choose your neediness and addiction to his abuse, over getting proper help, leaving your abuser and putting their needs first.

Your daughters will be writing much the same as you have been writing in about 20 years time. Your choice virtually ensures it.

well it was pretty obvious what was going to happen.

I really feel sorry for your kids.. you have no idea what the pair of you are doing to them.

You will though in time.

and I really don't give a toss if people don't like that.

My, he certainly knows how to 'work' you. Talk is cheap, Loveyouthree. And crocodile tears are just another way to control you. You deserve more, your kids certainly do.

Just make yourself a promise OP. The next time it goes bad please break it off. You'll know then it it'll never get better.

Good luck.

I guess the wedding is still on then

OP, please wake up!!!! You've completely fallen hook line and sinker for the typical abuser script. So sad...I think you would have fought against it harder if you realised how badly the life you are giving your children is going to affect them. You are in total denial when you say they don't see/ witness the abuse. Such a shame:( he is going to hurt you and/or them very badly one day, and I hope then you realise who you are actually living with and leave.

S'ok OP, I guessed that had happened.

It often takes several goes to leave.

As you have 'such a bad feeling about it already' please log your details with your local dv unit, so if you call they will come immediately. I'm sure we all have a bad feeling about it, because we know what you're going back to. He's unlikely not to punish you for trying to leave, and from what you have said here, I do think he may have the capacity to kill you.

Next time: don't tell him about leaving, plan your exit with WA.

Can we help you make an exit plan for when if things go wrong again? When I'm struggling with something the hardest part is knowing what to do next, maybe having as much as possible in a step-by-step guide would help? It can't hurt to know what to do if he lets you and your dc down again.

I don't think even you believe this is going to work out. I think that this is a very dangerous period you're entering.

1. Stay in touch with Women's Aid, keep them uodated.
2. Cover your tracks on here. I think he'll be checking up on your phone etc.
3. Make a serious escape plan, emergency bags packed, dv police informed you might need them etc.

Op :( oh dear. How convenient for him to have a deep dark secret to excuse his awful, awful behaviour. I have an abusive background and a mental illness and I don't go around beating up my dh. There are NO EXCUSES for what he has done.

he's not back for a few days yet so take it easy. Just revisit this thread and read what people said and it might give you the strength to leave next time. He is almost certainly going to punish you for this so next time don't tell him.

House, finances etc irrelevant . They are petty details distracting you from facing the hard facts. The only priority are your kids and their safety.

I'll just repeat what I wrote earlier

They believe you can't live without them, they exploit your insecurity and they push the boundaries a little bit more each time with worse and worse behaviour, seeing just how crappily they can treat you and you'll still take it.

By taking him back I'm afraid the message he will take is that he hasn't pushed the boundaries far enough. Expect nice treatment for a few days but please be on your guard and keep the police and WA numbers with you. He'll be back to his old tricks very quickly.

Well, you were right. You took him back - for you. Not for the dc, or because of the house or finances, but because you need his 'love' [bluuergh - it hurts to even write that word in this context - because it is NOT love. It's not even affection. It's not even like.. it's distain, disgust, dislike; - he doesn't even hate you OP, he despises you and all women]

As others have said; he'll punish you at some stage, for daring to control your own life, for daring to try to live away from his control, for daring to think for yourself. you say the punching and violence 'doesnt really hurt' - so maybe he'll start on the kids next? That will be the quickest, best way to hurt you! OP - there are many many women on here who had the kind of childhood you (pl) are giving your children. Please keep them safe.

There is really no harm in getting the finances, house, kids in order -so that when you leave this monster, you can just GO! You say that is what kept you in this - so do it. Get legal advice. PLEASE go through with seeing the WA on thurs. Please look into moving away. Please GET COUNSELLING! (Don't let him say you don't need all this - at some stage, weeks, months, years down the line, you WILL. He will NOT change)

Next time you come on here, (!) you can just pick up the kids and get far away from this 'man', and into your new, happy, SAFE life. Your kids will thank you. They do know. They do.

So please do all this - and stay on here. I think you will need more support from us - and we can help you open your eyes. No-one will judge you, we know it's hard.

Sadly you're putting your faith in the one person who has caused and will continue to cause you and your children massive physical and emotional damage.

A complete stranger in the street would be more likely to be kind to you than he can be.

Can I suggest you still speak to Women's Aid tomorrow? - offload all these issues onto them and let them talk to you at least, even if you have decided to stay with him. Just talking to someone who understands what you're facing will help you tremendously and it'll make that step easier next time you're facing it.

I've seen you up till quite recently on conception threads TTC....I hope you re think about having another dc

You are teaching your daughters to be you, and your sons to be him.

This is the reality of growing up in a home like this. I know, because I grew up in a house like this, where the world revolved around my parent's dysfunctional and abusive relationship. You can't really do more damage to children than exposing them to this model of adult behavior over and over again.

Be aware that social care do take a view of parents who cannot put their children's needs ahead of their own needs, and that is very much what you are doing here.

Good luck, and keep the WA number close by.

I really don't think he has a "script"; he's never really had a relationship before...

All parents argue, and we don't really argue that much!

No I don't want anymore children, don't want to make life harder for myself.

I really don't think he "hates" me he's done some amazing things. He booked us into a luxury hotel once when I was upset about a relative dying. He delivered one of our children. It's hard to just throw history like that away.

Like I said, he isn't paranoid, he isn't jealous, he doesn't dwell on things, he won't "punish" me for this!? If anything I am all of the above.

He has NOT used what's happened to him in the past as an excuse. It has taken him years to tell me. I go to counselling anyway... I think he might need it.

He won't be checking my phone/iPad. I have passwords on both that he doesn't know. He sometimes has passwords on his phone. We do it so the kids can't make calls/download apps or whatever!!

Also I really don't think they were crocodile tears... I've never seen him cry; it's completely embarrassing for him.

At least this way he and the kids (in the future) know that I tried everything I could to keep us together as a family.

What's your line in the sand OP? Will you leave him if he hits you again?

He's never hit me, though slapped my face. As yes of course I will. I feel a lot better knowing i can rent this place on my own now.

That's good (though slapping IS hitting).

OP what you list as amazing things - they are normal things that a partner would do. Nothing amazing about it. It's just he has you thinking they are amazing because when it's crap it's life-threatening. So anything above that seems to be a plus in your eyes. Why wouldn't it when the norm is so awful.

He will punish you. He has in the past and he will do it again. He doesn't understand emotions as a normal person would. You know why? Because normal rational people do not slap others. And as ria says, slapping is hitting.

If he didn't use his previous experiences as an excuse then what was his point in telling you now, when you were ready to kick him out/walk out the door?

I hope you still keep the appointment with WA and open up and be honest with your counsellor about what you are going through. It will be so good for you to have some support in RL.

Your thread and posts make me extremely sad and I really hope you have a resolution to this whole situation and your children remain safe.