Please help.

[Loveyouthree]

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading :(

he isn't that bad...

What would you think of as 'bad?' Itemise it for me. What is 'abuse' to you?

You were obviously abused terribly as a child - and now crave attention; any attention, even if it is violence, putting you down, sex against your will. This is not normal behaviour, but it is to you. And your dc will grow up thinking it's normal too. SS will not take children away from a mother who is trying to keep them safe;- but they might well do if they consider that you are complicit in the abuse, IE if you don't take steps to remove them from the (risk of) abuse (yes, even abuse of you, not even directed at them) Read Twinklestein's post above, again.

Please get out. Get the courage and support you need from SS, WA etc. but get out. Save yourself and your dc from this monster.

Sweetheart. I was abused at home when I was a child, my father was violent and an alcoholic. I've realised that I am repeating behaviour learned when I get into relationships. That's why I don't see how bad the abuse is, because that's all I knew as a child.

Rape is rape if you don't want to and they still do it. Violence is not excusable. He doesn't love you, he controls you. I know you think you love him, but look at it closely for a minute. His behaviour around you is unacceptable, rape and violence both are - just think, if a stranger did this to you, it would be a police matter - and it is the same thing, not made acceptable by your love. Neither of you can change your behaviour while you are together, so being apart is the only chance you have to make it stop.

Your children are growing up in a household just like you did. They might be young, but I can assure you that I knew about my mum and dad aged four. My mum told me when I was older about my dad raping her. I can't stand him, this knowledge burns me inside with hatred and makes me feel terrible. I am angry with my mum for sharing this knowledge, furious with my father for doing it. It affected me at school, made me misbehave and not focus. In my teenage years my behaviour became terrible, I didn't respect my body and allowed men to do things to me that were awful, indeed I was raped a couple of times, though at the time I didn't know it. I acted out against both my parents, when my mum had cancer I ran away from home. It's taken me years to come to terms with things, I am still affected at thirty one, both emotionally and because I allowed myself to be a victim in my relationships, not one but four over the years.

I know how hard it is. It's terrifying. You think no love is better than abusive "love". Rape is better than not being desired. Shouting and emotional abuse is better than silence. But it isn't. It slowly breaks you down until you become a shadow of your real self. Life seems meaningless, suicide becomes a constant companion in your thoughts.

Yet there is a world outside of that, there really is. There is freedom if you can take it. It's not easy, it's really really hard. You might be scared, terrified even to start with. Things seem alien and new. You feel alone, but you aren't. There are other survivors out there who can help you to move on. And there is a new life on the other side where you don't accept this behaviour as "love", where you find people who respect you and don't hurt you, where you can do as you please and enjoy your time with your children, without those worries in the back of your head about whether you might trigger his bad moods. Best of all, there is a chance for your children to grow up in a loving environment, which won't harm them as you were. Which won't set them on the same path as you've followed. I know you feel weak, but you are very strong, you've coped with this abuse almost all your life, that makes you strong, and you need to focus that strength on breaking the emotional ties he uses to manipulate you into staying.

Any real man would be horrified to treat you in this way, would leave so as not to harm you further, would respect your need for no contact while you sort out your life. He wouldn't pretend to be nice and try to sweep his behaviour under the carpet, or minimise it, or excuse it.

I know this is tough. You have years of mental conditioning to break through. But look to the future you could have, free of this all. Independent and strong. Happy and confident. It all comes to you with time. I love my life now, I wish I could show you the change in me, I am a new person. I am still in the process and already I am a different woman.

I hope you can see this. I am praying you can see this. It's a possibility for you. You are worth so much more than what you have right now. You might not think you deserve this, but you do. You and your children deserve to be safe and happy. This man will not give you this. He just won't, no matter how good the good times are, the bad times will always come with him. He has shown you his worst face, and that is truly who he is, he pretends to be good to you, but it is a grotesque form of goodness, designed to keep you there so he can continue to abuse you.

Please choose happiness. :(

Rita - I actually said this to DP. Of course if anyone hurt my children,never once, I'd be furious... I'd tell her she can do better and needs to leave ASAP. I would help her with everything I could. The difference for me is that my family wouldn't help me. They'd take DP's side!

What todo- you're right; I take completely normal behaviour (eg supporting a pregnant girlfriend) and see it as a massive heroic deed that I barely deserve.

I'm seeing the counsellor on Thursday and really need to tell her the truth. Yes womens aid are coming here. DP is working away.

I've phoned the estate agents

Captain mummy - abuse to me is stopping your partner going out or having friends, punching them for the sake of it, humiliating them. Things he just wouldn't do.

Ive told him I've rung estate agents, he said he can't get the image of another man "in his house" out of his head. I know how he feels :( just want to cuddle him fgs. I haven't replied to that message yet.

Fanfuckingtastic - his mum has just got here to see the kids for a bit (she doesn't know yet) but will read and reply to you ASAP.

Oh and the poster who said he is my heroin - spot on. Said this myself last night.

Well done for phoning - that's good. Do be honest with your counsellor - I'm sure she'll already be expecting at least half of what you have to tell her. You're being very brave and that'll make you feel better and braver still.

If you don't have family on your side, is there anyone else in RL that will support you through this? Of course we are all here to hold your hand too.

I am so glad you are taking steps towards freedom. Write stuff down if you can, it helps to be honest with the counsellor. It helps to see it written down, and gives you a prompt to share the facts. And if you simply can't speak about it, you can hand it over to them and let them read it.

You don't need your family, they did nothing to help you when you were a child, this is something you can sort with the support of Women's Aid, counsellors, the police, and I can tell you now that you will get so much support from Mumsnet, they lifted me and carried me when I couldn't. They still keep up with me now I am safe, they give me so much good advice and no judgement at all.

I would also recommend talking to a solicitor. You may be able to get him out of the house and your name solely on the tenancy agreement without his signature, because he is abusive and dangerous. You are in a strong position with the law to get the support you need to do this. The police can escort him away from the property, I reported my situation and they have my home and name, so any trouble and I get an immediate response as I am at risk. You can dictate by law that he can't come near you, it's called a non-molestation order. You don't need to share anything at all with him, he deserves nothing but to be gone from your life.

He has no power except that that you give him, by choosing not to use that power. You can completely shut him out of your life and be happy if you wanted to.

And how about telling him that you aren't intending to have another man in the house for a long time - you'll be happy just being there with your DCs?

:(:(:(:(

He's got a viewing for a flat. He said he's viewing it on sat, but could take a week to move in, so where can he stay on sat?

I'm crying, can't touch my tea. So gutted. I don't want this!!! He'll get his own flat and can have parties as much as he wants. Girls, drugs, whatever he wants. I can't cos I'm boring and sensible and have the kids. He'll grow up and meet someone and they'll get the grown up version of him tht I've always wanted.

I can't fucking do this!!

You can do it, you can, you just need the right support around you.

No-one will ever get the 'grown up version' of him because it does not exist. It's a fantasy of yours based on what you know a man should be, but he is not. In reality he will go on to abuse other women as he has you until one of them reports him for rape and physical assault and he ends up in prison.

You can do it and it is for the best. You don't need him in your life, he's beyond toxic. You are being very strong and brave.

Let him do all of those things. They are not what you need in a partner or a father to your children. You are a mother to three wonderful children which is far more exciting and interesting then snorting lines of coke or shagging around ever could be.

Let him stay with his family, why does he need to stay there. He's a grown man he can sort himself out.

You need to be honest with your counsellor. Have you looked up the definition of abuse in the dictionary? It is not what you describe it to be. I'm afraid you are a victim of a very cruel man who doesn't understand the concept of love.

On the tablets - I am on medication for life for my bipolar. Life is really much better when you take your medication then when you don't. Speak to your GP.

So sorry you have to go through this but you will come through the other end, and your beautiful DCs will be able to live safety and security and be able to have the proper childhoods they can't currently have.

It will get better.

You sometimes describe negative emotions, to do with not wanting him to be with other women or (just now) having parties.

This can't be about controlling him. You have to see letting him go as a process of gaining control over your life, your future and your happiness.

I suspect that he's talking about the flat to get you to back down - all manipulation to get himself back to where he wants to be. Don't be drawn on it - you can definitely get thru' this.

Keep reminding yourself that you and your DCs are worth much more than this. His future relationships will all be about abuse, violence and control. You can do so much better OP. Keep thinking about the happy place where you want to be with your kids without living in fear constantly.

You're talking about him growing up to be the person you've always wanted - he's already grown up - he's a monster and you won't change him, neither will anyone else - he'll keep on being violent and abusive to anyone that'll put up with it. Don't be that person.

I'm in bed crying, and I'm weakening so much. He's saying all this stuff like

The only thing keeping me sane is knowing you'll always be in my life

I'll always love you

I regret what I've done so much, always the wiser man after it occurs

I wish we were still a family

I'm going to miss you fucking millions

Etc etc

And I'm losing my resolve, and texting him back on an emotional level (before, it was just to sort out all the formalities).

See, I told you all, I'm weak, pathetic and not normal. I've NEVER cried this much about him attacking me. I've never cried at all when he's forced me into sex. Yet this sends me over the edge.

I need to stop texting him like this, he'll sense I'm backing down. How can I stop?

take the battery out of your phone.

Get a new sim card and give that new number to people you need to contact but not him. Place the sim card with the number he has in a drawer now and don't look at it till all of this is over and he has moved out. Sort access to your children via a third party, solicitor etc and have hand overs done in a neutral place and via a third person or a contact centre if he can't behave himself.

You never cried this much because you were numb to it and that's what it was designed to do. The texts are all about how he feels not how you feel. If he loved you at all he would man up and leave you alone completely not make a token effort but then start the pity poor me look I'm being so brave act, it is an act to draw you in then you will be punished physically mentally and sexually for stepping out of line.

You don't cry when you're physically and sexually assaulted because you're numb and you're used to it. Kindness is painful because it's what you long for and never get...

He knows how to press your buttons: all he has to do is be nice, tell you he loves you & he can get you back under control. But he's only doing it so that he can rape and strangle you next time he feels like it. And it will come very soon. 'I'll always love you' but it's a lie: he wouldn't rape you if he loved you. He has no idea what love is.

Stick by your resolve to talk to WA, see a solicitor.

I notice a lot about him and not much else about other people. Do you think he's in bed crying sending those? I'd leave the phone in a cold, dark room downstairs.

Make your bedroom cosy and comfortable. Get in to bed and get warm.

Turn the phone off.

Now.

xpost

It's scary, being alone for the first time with kids. It doesn't mean your life is over. Let him get on with what he wants to do with his life, if that means he isn't ruining yours. He's probably going to end up in prison for violence, he's scary - the things he's done to you are scary! I know you don't see that yet, or feel it really, but if all these people can read your description of him and identify the abuse, you need to start looking at what he does as not okay.

There are websites with advice and descriptions of different kinds of abuse, other women's stories, Women's Aid and your counsellor can help you to identify these behaviours too. When you see it, I hope it gives you the strength to remove him from your life.

I know you don't feel like you have any family support, and with young children that must be daunting, but there are ways of getting support to make life easier. Home Start are a charity that can provide masses of support to mums with children under five. They helped me loads when I was a single mum, with free childcare when I needed a break, someone to visit weekly and give me emotional support, practical support with managing the house and money, and trips in the summer to picnics in the park and theme parks which cost nothing. They invited us every year to a Christmas party, with presents and Santa and entertainers. I can't tell you how much joy they brought to my life, you can refer yourself too.

Also children's centers helped me to get into college, provided counselling, housing support and did trips and activities for the kids too. I made friends there and found their support invaluable too.

Life isn't over when you are single, it's just different. I know you feel scared, but give it a try because I guarantee it'll be better than what you have now. If you have only known one thing all your life, you may feel comforted and familiar with it, and change is hard, but that doesn't mean that it's bad. It would be so very good for you to live without fear, without violence, and without rape. I can't describe the lack of that knot in my stomach, feeling nervous all the time, hating myself... it's gone now. I have room to think about me and what I want.

I'm sorting out my own home, going back to college so I can go to university, spending time with my friends and having a laugh. I sleep when I want, I eat when and what I want, I don't get punished if I screw up because I'm in charge of my life and my mistakes are my own to make, I don't feel lonely even with him in the room with me, I feel independent and in charge, if I want company I can arrange it myself and not worry about the consequences. My life is full of freedom, and soon when I start my counselling, I am going to learn to love myself too, to have more confidence and be more assertive. That's what I want, to value myself, and to be valued, sometime in the future when I feel ready for it.

Write on here instead of texting, find a thread about something that interests you.

I don't actually think his texts are about how he feels, I think they are simply a script to get the OP back under control. His feelings as far as they are go are all focused on an obsessive need to control and torture another person. He was reasonable when she asked to split because he knew exactly how to manipulate her into staying. He doesn't think she's going anywhere. He's tried this script before and it's worked.

This is one of the many reasons why it's so much easier to leave abusive men without notice.

Remove the SIM card and get a 99p Tesco one.

Talk to him only when you feel strong enough, if you'd rather not talk to him at all, you can get help to do that - see a solicitor and get them to request contact through them only.

If he continues to harass you with contact, contact the police and get them to ask him to stop contacting you, if he doesn't he will get two warnings and then he will be charged with a harassment order. A solicitor can work with you to do a non-molestation order, which is more all-encompassing than a harassment order.

He is trying to break you down, he knows what buttons to push. He knows you hate to be ignored, he uses it as a punishment. That's why he's "seeing a flat" whilst at the same time bombarding you with carefully written texts to pull on your emotions. He's manipulating you to make you take him back. That's why he has "nowhere to stay on Saturday". Because he thinks you will take him in, and then he has what he wants, he can try to persuade you to keep him there. He'll try being nice, but trust me, he'll get nasty if that doesn't work. And if you take him back, he'll find a way to punish you for asking him to leave in the first place, maybe not straight away so you don't get that connection, but he has hurt you before, do you think he wouldn't do it again?