Please help.

[Loveyouthree]

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading :(

Darling, I really hope you are right, but in 99% of these cases, the nice behaviour is just a ruse to get you back in line. Please at least be prepared for this possibility and ask WA about a refuge place.

I am no expert, but much of what you say - being more upset about him "rejecting" you than the fact he hits and rapes you - sounds like some sort of Stockholm syndrome, where you have become completely emotionally dependent on your abuser.

Please listen to the pp who is a children's social worker because she has seen this before. Arrange to go on the Freedom Programme - ask the WA person about this. It may help to open your eyes a bit more.

In the meantime, keep posting here. We are here to listen and hold your hand through this. You do not have to do this alone.

You must protect your children and yourself from this man otherwise you're giving your children messages about it being ok to live with a violent man and a rapist. If you stay with him there's a good chance this man will murder or maim you, and then where would your children be?

You say you love your children, but you must also show it.

Oh OP - your Best Friend? He beats you, threatens you, rapes you and you think he is your 'best friend?' The girl on the checkout at tescos is a better friend to you! The postman! The neighbour with the noisy car! At least they don't hit you, or traumatise your dc, or make you feel that you don't deserve better.

You say he'd not controlling (oh, he IS controlling! You just can't see it - like you can't see the abuse) but I'd be willing to bet he is waiting till he comes back, to start on you. Not wanting to scare you, but you need to get out. Listen to WA; they are the experts in this.

And I wouldn't let him take the dc on Sunday. NO WAY! They are at least as much at risk as you, at the moment. Keep them close, keep them safe.

Stockholm! I never thought of that. I honestly don't see it as "rape" though because even though I say no no no, we'd never have sex if he didn't carry on. I have no libido anymore. I'm only 24 for gods sake!

He's really not the abusive type. He's relaxed, he buys me treats, he isn't manipulative or anything like that. I think he gets violent sometimes because I am brilliant with words, and could win any argument that way. He isn't, so resorts to using his hands.

If anything Im abusive! I can be needy; a control freak.

I know that making up with him will be an instant gratification but long term I'll be here again in a few months. I can't not let him take the DC, he is actually bothered about them.

"He's really not the abusive type."

Abusive men never are. By which I mean, there's no 'type'. They don't have helpful tattoos or t-shirts saying 'I'm a dangerous bastard' or we'd avoid them like the plague. They walk around looking just like everyone else ... they are just like everyone else. They simply hate women, want to control and bully women, and it's their problem until becomes your problem

Thanks cogito, he has actually said he hates women :s but I took it as a joke, he's shagged enough of them.

He's completely changed tactics today. Yesterday he didn't even try to hide how upset he was. Today, he's just text me some cool, calm and blunt messages of only a few words.

Its shit how blase he's being. He even said thank you when I said I'd let him know when I've phoned the estate agents :( But I suppose if he begged me I'd end up giving in. So maybe its for the best

You have to try to detach. He's going to run through the full gamut of emotional crap and people like your STBX are incredibly persistent. They hate you but your 'their property' so they will pull every low trick in the book to keep you under control. They know how close you are to giving in. Don't give him the satisfaction, yes?

So I recommend you try to take a mental step back and look at the various things he does as if he was a vaguely interesting animal behind a sheet of glass and you were a behavioural zoologist. What's it doing today? Cool blunt messages, upset, threatening suicide, declaring undying love, swinging from a tyre... ? Don't try to understand it and don't respond or engage, just observe and record.

I need to be able to do that. I will find it hard though. Surely he knows that ringing the estate agents is it?? Doesn't he want to stop me?

:(

Don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm just sat in a car garage while my car is being fixed and imagining if his work van pulled in. I feel sick, hot, my heart is racing. How the hell can I go through life like this?

You need to go to the gp and get help for you mental health problems. Trust me your life does not have to be like this. Tablets can help.

He is the centre of your world and that's a very sad fact.

You can't change him! He might have sex with another woman but if you don't do anything about it nothing will ever ever change, well except you will probably get lower and lower............

You spoke before of you being 'terrified' of his potential 'yeah ok whatever' attitude to leaving and said....you'd rather he 'put up a fight'

I questioned your up and coming wedding plans because I couldn't quite believe you were planning to Marry this person.

Are you getting help and counselling? its worrying reading your other post about self harming because he went out the night of the row.

Stop hoping he puts up a fight....

You and your dc cannot live like this

Good luck with WA it's good to arm yourself with as much info as possible.

Jesus. On another thread some people are saying my OH is abusive because he turns into a boring twat when he's drunk. I disagree with them, although I can see some of their points. I'm sure they think I'm just being blind there.

But this is a world apart. There really is NO doubt whatsoever in any right mind about this.

Can you not hear how messed up it is to say that someone who beats and rapes you is not abusive? You need help - fast. Glad you have Women's Aid coming round. Please be honest with them and listen to them.

You said up-post that some of the posters here are confident and brave and you wish you could be like that...

Some of us will have been exactly where you are now - and what happened was that we took a big, deep breath and took our first step away, and then another one and another - until we were walking away...

Walking away gets easier the more you do it, and later on you'll look back and be so glad that you did - you'll look at your kids and be happy that you did it for them and for yourself and see how much better your life is.

Then you'll see where that bravery and confidence comes from - its inside you.

I'm reading your posts and crying, because he is not what he is pretending to be. If he was a nice guy, he wouldn't hit and hurt you. My ex was very nice for a while, when he thought he might still be able to control me and get me to go back. Then when he realized it wasn't going to happen, he became very threatening, until I was concerned for my life. He made my life a misery with harassment and the final threat came about two weeks ago, that is when I contacted the police and Women's Aid, and got the support I needed to get away from him cleanly.

Having sex with someone who says no no no, then continuing anyway is RAPE. It's not sex, it's rape. This is not my opinion, this is LEGAL FACT.

He hates women, he told you so. Having sex with women doesn't mean you can't hate them.

You say he's not abusive. Yet everything you describe is abuse of the highest order. I have been open-mouthed in horror reading how he treats you... And how you tolerate and excuse it. Together, you are teaching your children to be future victims and abusers. One day, your daughters, if you have any, could well be in abusive relationships also, because it will be all they know.

You are clearly deeply troubled, and I bet you had a horrible childhood and felt unloved. You get more upset by him ignoring you than beating and raping you. You think him not caring about your stretchmarks proves he loves you and excuses very serious abuse.

Did you know that violence to a pregnant woman is one of the biggest red flags in abuse? It's one of the number one indicators that a man is capable of killing a woman. It's the lowest of the low.

You think your ultimatum sill change him - sweetheart, he should never have done anyone one of these things to you in the first place. If he wanted to non-abusive, he would be. He chooses to hurt and rape you because he enjoys it. The abuse, the rape, the ignoring, the hating women - all these are the real him. He's only nice when it suits him.

Ask yourself if you would EVER treat someone who you love the way he treats you. No, you wouldn't. Then ask yourself why it's okay for hom to be like that to you. And why you are sacrificing your children to your need to be wanted.

Have I missed something where is Op's reference to rape?

"Forced sex" in OP and 0838 post

Thanks what

"Doesn't he want to stop me?"

Why would he stop you when in the past you've stopped yourself? That's the arrogance of the abusive man. They believe you can't live without them, they exploit your insecruity and they push the boundaries a little bit more each time with worse and worse behaviour, seeing just how crappily they can treat you and you'll still take it.

BUT... and this is why safety has to be top priority.... an aggressive man backed into a corner will try to stop you. Physically. And that's when it gets dangerous.

I'm a bit too scared to go onto tablets in case I can't come off. Would like to be able to though. I know I need help.

He is the centre of my world, maybe I didn't realise it so much. I absolutely desperately love him. In fact, I think ive always put him on a huge pedestal because he "took on" me and my son. He wasn't fazed by it. Then he actually stood by my when I got pregnant with our first baby. I fully expected him to leave, like my son's father had.

I am going to counselling. I haven't told her he's violent though or the kids might get taken away. I've just told her how bad I am, so in her eyes I am the crazy, controlling, insecure one, and he is the patient, loving one.

Kentish - I haven't read your thread, but I do know in mumsnet that some posters are quick to cry "abuser". I'm worried that's happening here. Honestly, he isn't that bad.

Yes I had a terrible childhood. Abused, humiliated, unloved, the lot. Now I just can't cope with bring ignored, or rejected, or dumped. I really can't. Before I had children my boyfriend of a month finished with me and I took an overdose ffs. I'm sat here trying to he a good mum, I'm changing nappies and we're going to bake something later... But all I can think about is him. Keep checking my phone.

Fanfuckingtastic - I really hope you're ok. I'm in awe that you've got to the other side of this.

It took me months to pluck up the courage to break up with my last abusive partner. And now I'm so glad I did. Can't believe I even wasted a year with him. He's got a new partner and a baby and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. So surely I can do this again?? I just don't think I can :(

Yesterday I rang the estate agents as soon as they opened, today I keep putting it off. Can't do this.

Sorry this is long.

OP if your grown-up dd came to you and said "My husband punches me, strangles me and forces me to have sex when I say no," what would you say to her?

Perhaps read your posts again OP. He isn't that bad...

You aren't lucky that he stayed with you when you were pregnant, that's what any partner should be doing, that's why its a partnership, a joint responsibility. But what is wrong is that he treats you so appallingly and you think you deserve it and somehow imagine that he's demonstrating his love for you.

He doesn't deserve to have you or your DC in his life.

You need to see through his abusive, controlling behaviour and realise that he's taking you lower and lower and your DC are seeing this and will think its normal for a relationship to be like this.

I think your counselling sessions will be a lot more productive if you are honest about his behaviour, then you'll be able to discuss how to manage your responses.

Your counselling will become somewhat counter productive unless you tell the truth.

Does he see that you have severely scratched the top of your own arms because he ignored you on a night out and you couldn't contact him.

Sad reality is that your children will grow up thinking this is normal life.

No one is going to take your children from you. Get some Counselling....tell the truth....don't bob along from one abuser to the next.

It's not love OP, it's what's called 'trauma bonds' - a deep bond that can develop between an abuse victim and their abuser.

Abuse victims often develop a strong sense of attachment and loyalty to, and dependence on, their abuser - despite the fact that this bond is deeply damaging to the victim.

Growing up in an abusive home not only normalises abuse, but also gives later abusive situations more holding power.

Another poster perceptively pointed out that your name is 'Loveyouthree' tells your story: you love your three children. As for your partner, you're addicted to him, he is your heroin, but I don't think you like or respect him. Look at what happened with your previous partner - it took 'months' to gather the courage to leave, and once you had you didn't even care about him any more. You can do it again.
You're a lot tougher than you think: you've taken punches, strangulation, rape - and you've coped.

You're aware that if anyone gets wind of his abuse you could lose your children and there's a reason for that: it is a recognised fact that children who grow up in situations of domestic abuse are deeply damaged by it, even when the abuse is not aimed directly at them.

At this point it's a straight choice between your husband and your children. You will not be able to hide the level of abuse in this relationship indefinitely. If you feel like you don't have the strength to get out for your own sake, do it for them. You will get all the help you need to leave and rebuild your life from WA, GP & SS if you reach out and ask for it.

Op You said in a previous post you have 'woman's aid coming around on Thursday'? Are they visiting you at your home?

Small steps OP...

1. Ring the estate agents
2. Ring the vicar

Then pat yourself on the back.. you're getting there