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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex dp wants me to meet him to discuss ... I dont know what

98 replies

singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 19:26

because he wont tell me over the phone.

Am a regular and have name changed recently but in a nutshell, I ended our (none live-in) relationship in the New Year as the relationship in my eyes had fizzled out. No effort from him for xmas, my birthday, no sex, no kissing. He has 2dc (teens), debts, issues with alcohol and anger management problems. Ive stated categorically that i have no feelings for him and I dont want to get back with him. He has been texting, alternating between being funny and being arsey. He says he doesnt understand why I ended it as, it's not as if he's an axe murderer Hmm

Now, he's had counselling and says we must meet to discuss important issues raised during counselling. I fobbed him off with "I'll think about it."
Is this some sort of ploy? Do I go? His family keep ringing saying they're sure we'll get back together. I feel hounded tbh.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 09/02/2014 19:29

Oh God, tell him to put it in an email.

MsHighwater · 09/02/2014 19:29

There's no must about it. No counsellor worth the name would have told him he could expect that of you. If you don't want to, don't. Decent counselling will be about him dealing with his issues himself, not involving you.

MuttonCadet · 09/02/2014 19:30

Well obviously, if he's not an axe murderer you should be grateful to be dating him........ Hmm

Tell him to do one, you don't owe him anything and it sounds to me like he's angling to get back together.

MiniCracker · 09/02/2014 19:33

He sounds entirely self obsessed.

You don't owe him anything. If you don't want to go, don't. Ask him politely in an email to stop contacting you. Same goes for his family. If he carries on, keep a diary, print off emails etc keep in a folder and hand to the police.

whitsernam · 09/02/2014 19:34

Mutton said it perfectly!!!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/02/2014 19:36

Really, really, really bad idea to allow him to get back in touch. Block his email and texts and move on with your life.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/02/2014 19:36

'I couldn't give a rats ass, I'm not in the slightest bit interested. Now do leave me alone, there's a good ex'.

SuburbanSpaceperson · 09/02/2014 19:36

I suspect he wants to either tell you all the ways in which you have done him wrong or he's feeling confident that he can convince you that you should get back together. If you no longer have any feelings for him then I assume you don't want to have either of those conversations, especially if he has anger issues.

Saying "I'll think about it" doesn't really send the message that you don't want to meet him, if he has been pestering you up until now then he will keep pestering you while you think about it. I would tell him that you're glad that he has found counselling helpful, but you have no wish to meet with him to discuss your past relationship.

In the unlikely event that he comes up with a subject that you would be willing to talk to him about, perhaps you could meet him at his counselling session for 30 mins or so. It would be mediated to some extent by the counsellor and you would be able to get up and leave if you wanted to. Even that would be only if you felt that you would gain something from the experience, rather than just being there for him to vent his emotions at you.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/02/2014 19:40

His issues are between him and his counsellor. You are not paid to be part of his therapy. That's an idea actually, tell him your rates are £40 an hour! (Actually don't, there's no telling what he might expect for forty quid.) Oh, and you do not owe him "closure", an explanation or any of that shit. What happens if he doesn't accept your reasons - you will be morally obliged to date him again? I don't think so!

A person who is not prepared to respect your right not to have a relationship with them is not someone you should be having a relationship with, if that makes sense.

His family sound a bit peculiar too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/02/2014 19:41

You owe him nothing. He is not your problem. You certainly don't want to be part of his counselling sessions! Please go strict no contact with this person and consign him firmly to the past. Talking and texting is not appropriate here.

Walkacrossthesand · 09/02/2014 19:46

Tell him that one of the conundrums (conundra?) of a break-up is that a 'post-mortem discussion' of why you broke up etc etc, is simply not available. Each party has to work through it on their own and put it behind them. From what you describe, he had a rather cushy number at the point that you ended things - no doubt you helped and supported him around debt, etc) and is completely unable to see that it wasn't such a great deal for you. Hence you have no interest in meeting up.

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2014 19:47

OK, maybe you should help him out here.

He says he doesn't understand why it ended.

Tell him.

Send him a three page document in size 10 font, single line spaced, set out in bullet form. List everything that you disliked about him.

Then wish him luck with his counselling.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/02/2014 19:48

Don't tell him anything. Complete radio silence or you'll be right back to square one. New Year is only a few weeks ago. Dumped means dumped.

MrsSquirrel · 09/02/2014 19:53

He is you ex. You have no feelings for him and don't want to get back together. Why are you having any contact with him at all?

lookbutdonttouch · 09/02/2014 20:02

Have you been dating my ex?!
Be honest, brutal if you need to be. If he is as self obsessed as he sounds, he will need it in absolute plain black and white.

Then no contact.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 20:25

Gosh, thanks everyone. This has confirmed what I thought was the best course of action. Several of you have hit the nail on the head by saying that he's selfish (one of the reasons I ended it was because he never asked about me, my plans, my day, my opinions etc.)

We've already had two post break-up meetings to discuss things but he still doesnt seem to get it and wont tell me why he wants to meet (again).
He keeps sending flowers and gifts too "just because.". Its really starting to piss me off.

Mutton Grin exactly!

OP posts:
Theoldhag · 09/02/2014 21:44

Block him and let him know that any further contact by him will be seen as harassment and you will inform the police.

This man will do all he can to keep you hooked.

AskBasil · 09/02/2014 21:49

Counselling will often provide arses with validation about what happened because they will only tell the counsellor half the story and if the counsellor isn't very experienced and good, may miss important clues as to the reality.

Some blokes come out from counselling with a list of reasons why it wasn't their fault really, or with a list of what they did wrong and how they're going to do better.

He probably wants to show you his list. You probably have more interesting lists to look at. Your shopping list for next week, for example. Grin

Hissy · 09/02/2014 22:10

Dear god run like the fucking wind!

He's making the issues he has YOUR issues! None of his issues are anything to do with you.

This guy's a loon. End it properly, tell him to leave you alone or you'll contact the police.

Mean it.

This needs nipping in the bud for good now.

eggsandwich · 09/02/2014 22:14

Tell him you've moved on and suggest he does the same.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 22:49

Hissy I agree. He's trying to make his issues my issues and embroil me in his problems. I think the other reason is that she will have asked him several questions about me and because he's a self-centered twunt he'll have no idea what I thought, said, felt etc. He just keeps repeating that he doesnt understand and it doesnt make sense. He also keeps apologising for pestering me but keeps on doing it!

Ask Apparently, his counsellor is the same one he had when he & his ex wife had counselling several years ago; she remembered him apparently. Bet she's overjoyed!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2014 22:52

Nothing to discuss, he's an ex now. He will probably either justify behaving badly or present you with a list of your 'faults' in the spirit of drawing a line under it all. Ignore.

AskBasil · 09/02/2014 22:52

LOL, that's quite funny.

Grin

I have visions of him going to her every time a relationship breaks down.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2014 22:55

Ok, send him a 3 page document

With "Fuck off" "Fuck off" "Fuck off" written repeatedly on it

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 23:00

Interestingly, before he had the initial counselling session, he asked me to write a list of his problems/faults and to state why I'd ended the relationship so that he could take it to the counsellor. He promissed not to read it Hmm

OP posts:
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