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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex dp wants me to meet him to discuss ... I dont know what

98 replies

singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 19:26

because he wont tell me over the phone.

Am a regular and have name changed recently but in a nutshell, I ended our (none live-in) relationship in the New Year as the relationship in my eyes had fizzled out. No effort from him for xmas, my birthday, no sex, no kissing. He has 2dc (teens), debts, issues with alcohol and anger management problems. Ive stated categorically that i have no feelings for him and I dont want to get back with him. He has been texting, alternating between being funny and being arsey. He says he doesnt understand why I ended it as, it's not as if he's an axe murderer Hmm

Now, he's had counselling and says we must meet to discuss important issues raised during counselling. I fobbed him off with "I'll think about it."
Is this some sort of ploy? Do I go? His family keep ringing saying they're sure we'll get back together. I feel hounded tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandfabulous · 21/02/2014 21:20

Ha! Thank you all

NoArmani whiney pissflap just about sums him up. The continuous 'poor me' theme just makes me feel contempt for him.

Runlike yes, I laughed at the tail too. There are some real grammatical howlers too.

Let me share a few choice details with you:

The letter starts, 'this isn't a letter to you Single' ... it's to help me understand and process my feelings and move on to a better place' ...and continues
'You had captured my heart but my demons were watching and waiting.' (the man is an atheist by the way)...
'They said "push her away Pissflap" so I did as I failed to see them doing their evil work.'
It continues... 'They won the battle but I'll win the war' ... 'I hate them with the same intensity that I love you.' 'Love and hate are born of the same feeling.'

It's as if he's been online and Googled 'trite sayings and quotes to help you write a soppy letter' The letter is full of them!

I just feel annoyed that he's playing the wounded, deserted man.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/02/2014 21:26

I would print it out and keep it (along with hard copies of his other communications, which I hope you have forwarded to a web based email account that he doesnt have the addy for), for when you have to contact the police. He wont give up, so I would send him one email saying "I do not want to have any contact with you, I do not want you to contact me. If you contact me again in any form, either directly or via a third party, I will consider it harrassment and will be informing the police."

Then the very next time you get a text or email you go to the police. Dont take this shite.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2014 21:27

Bogey is right, it's not funny.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 21/02/2014 21:28

I'm so pleased you posted more extracts. I was tempted to ask you for some more, shite like that really needs to be shared.

The most annoying part is he obviously thinks this kind of bollocks will work on you. He doesn't know you at all does he?

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 21/02/2014 21:33

Bogey Thanks. Ive photographed them as they're all hand written & sent by Royal Mail and Ive sent them to one of my cleverest 'lawyer' friends to get an opinion on whether he's just wounded or plain dangerous. She said to be on my guard, lodge my concern with the police and cut all contact as he sounds slightly unhinged. Eek!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/02/2014 21:35

She is right.

Forget the warning email, I would call 101 tomorrow and get it all logged with police. They will probably have a word with him and tell him the fuck back off, and then if he doesnt they will deal with it.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 21/02/2014 21:40

NoArmani he doesn't know me at all, you're right because it's all about him and always has been. Even his lovely mother has admitted he's a hopeless case and totally lost in his own world.

The strange thing is, the letter doesn't sound as if it's been written by him.
He's a man's man from Derby and very 'Aye up Duck' if you know what I mean. The verbose, flowery nature of the letter just doesn't tie in with e-mails, texts and birthday/Christmas cards Ive had from him over the years. I'm wondering if these are his 'counselling' notes turned into a letter. Very odd.

OP posts:
BettyBotter · 21/02/2014 21:54

So, he wants to be loved (no mention of what you want then?). His letter is ten pages about himself and all this is the fault of his demons?

How very easy to blame appallingly bad behaviour on 'demons' (Oh the real me is really lovely, but those pesky demons forced me to be a cunt.) Try reading his letter again replacing 'my demons' each time with 'me/ I/myself'. It makes it a lot easier to reach the truth.

You captured my heart but I was watching and waiting. I said push pissflaps away. I love you as much as I hate myself etc

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 21/02/2014 22:26

Betty That's very insightful. Spot-on in fact. Nothing is ever his fault.

His mother was cruel and didn't love him (She wasn't and does)
His friends forced him to start smoking at 40
His boss hates him(has been v reasonable given his violent outbursts)
He has no money (but wont work more than 3 days a wk & wont re-train.)
He has no money (as he gambles what little he has)

See a pattern?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 21/02/2014 22:34

Honestly, report this to the police in the morning. They will go and have a word with him. He needs a good hard official smackdown or he will carry on and there is no obligation on you to put up with it.

Squiffyagain · 22/02/2014 01:37

I'd return all 10 pages, suggesting he forwards them to someone who gives a shit, instead.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 22/02/2014 07:26

Single, I agree with the others. You need to proceed with caution with Pissflaps as I feel his behaviour is far from normal. I suggest you go to the police to lodge copies of everything also. My spidey sense is tingling somewhat with this one although he is probably too lazy to continue harassing you if you sent an email or a text telling him to -piss-off- have a nice life without you.

LillyAlien · 22/02/2014 07:42

Out of interest is his 'counsellor' a real bona fide therapist? Some of the stuff (like the confidential letter from you, the 'demons') would make sense if the counsellor was really involved and it's actually some kind of cult / batty self-help 'movement'.

Agree with the restabout no contact btw.

PedantMarina · 22/02/2014 08:15

on a similar note, though, how are you doing, OP? based on what we've been reading it sounds like your life with him was a nightmare. how much better must it feel now (aside from these harrassments), one can assume/hope.

FrigginRexManningDay · 22/02/2014 09:30

Jesus hes so far up his own arse he has to open his mouth to read the paper.
You are well shot of this adult toddler OP, keep moving on and report his communication with you to the police. I have a feeling his behaviour is known to them.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 22/02/2014 09:43

Squify you made me chuckle!

Lilly All I know is that his counsellor is the same woman he saw when he and his wife were having problems several years ago. He wanted to see her as a lot of our problems were similar to theirs. His wife divorced him for unreasonable behaviour. I know how she feels!

Pedant Thanks for asking, how kind. I feel so much better, as if a weight has been lifted off me. I no longer have to put up with him weeping on the phone because his son has done something daft (as teenagers do). I'm also relieved to be away from the whole accident-prone, drunken shambles that is his day to day life. He seemed so normal when we met. Most people don't know what he's like behind closed doors as he puts on a front. He has admitted this and said 'it's what men do.' Hmm

Obviously, only my family and two close friends know about the gambling debts (tens of thousands of pounds), drunkenness, violence to objects at work resulting in suspension (he tells people he's off sick) and other idiotic behaviour, so I feel I'm being judged unfairly because I ended it. I simply don't care though. I'm well out of it.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 22/02/2014 09:52

Well, you sound like your life is calmer and more fun. I particularly liked how you were chuckling at the grammatical errors, but of course I would, wouldn't I...

Agree with all others, BTW. Look after yourself.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 22/02/2014 10:13

Pedant Ha ha! Yes, I particularly enjoyed all the 'could of' 'would of' 'should of' gems (a pet hate of mine) and my favourite ... an 'escaped goat' has somehow made an appearance too. Classic.

OP posts:
montysma1 · 22/02/2014 10:15

My friends ex did this. One mail would be almost comically abusive, and the next would be about how much he loved her in all the closet language. He got councelling and he got religion. On one of his residential courses he met a new woman that he was getting married to. Cue a long list of all the virtues she had that my friend lacked including being "an erotic Vesuvius" . Anyway surprise surprise, he cancelled the wedding the night before as he couldn't go through with it as he still loved my friend! We are pretty sure she didn't exist, was actually a ploy to make my friend jealous.! We used to take bets on when he would "cancel the wedding". The night before was suitably melodramatic. He also emailed everyone at her work about what a terrible person she was.

She did contact the police who I have to say did not bother their arse. We were a bit worried because funny as the emails were (that degree of insult hurling does actually become funny) he did sound unhinged.

Eventually the ignore tactic worked and he went away. We still pepper our conversation with "erotic Vesuvius" whenever possible!

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 22/02/2014 10:21

at 'erotic versuvius' - he sounds completely unhinged!
I'm shocked that he e-mailed everyone at her work-place though. That's over stepping the mark.

OP posts:
Meerka · 22/02/2014 17:06

whew, what an arse.

I really hope you go to the police. You told him that you absolutely don't wnat to meet him again (wow, and you'd already met him twice, and he wanted a third? Definitely a load of bullshit). You may need to tell him okutright to stop contacting you, but after that please do tell the police. He sounds unhinged. Lucky escape you've had ... well, once you manage to finally shut the door on him.

How did his wife manage to stop him doing this harassement?

And if his family ring you -again- then please feel free to tell them you have. This is none of their business and they have no place harassing you.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 22/02/2014 19:13

Loving erotic Vesuvius, did she smother him in his sleep?

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 22/02/2014 19:14

His mother rang me again today; the third time since the split in January. She asked the same question as previous times; 'do you still love him as he still loves you and I think he hopes you'll get back together.'

I put her straight. She's a lovely woman and I suspect she's contacting me at his behest. I told her my decision was final and all feelings for him had gone.

Meerka His ex wife hasn't managed to stop the pestering as they have two teenage dc and a shared bank account £6k overdrawn (he admits the debt is his). He showed me a letter from her last year and in it, she said he had to sort it out himself, on his own and she was sick of him bothering her. Seems to be a pattern.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 22/02/2014 19:27

A friend of mine dumped a tiresome man, and he got his mother involved. My mate had to call the police, and was startled by how seriously they took the harassment.

Please do talk to the police about this dickweed. He is harassing you, and he needs putting in his place.

Jesuisunepapillon · 22/02/2014 19:44

How long were you with this guy?

Are you good at keeping yourself safe usually? Because I think most people would have contacted the police way before this. It just concerns me that you're feeling you have to be nice and keep engaging with him, and with these kind of men even if you're just contacting them to say 'I'm not interested,' that just feeds them because they see it as a sign that you care enough to engage, and that if they can just keep the dialogue open you'll change your mind.

He'll bugger off far sooner if you either tell him you'll report him to the police at ANY further contact from him, or completely ignore every attempt at getting in touch. It reads as pretty disturbing from my end. This is not ok. Please take steps to keep yourself safe.