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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex dp wants me to meet him to discuss ... I dont know what

98 replies

singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 19:26

because he wont tell me over the phone.

Am a regular and have name changed recently but in a nutshell, I ended our (none live-in) relationship in the New Year as the relationship in my eyes had fizzled out. No effort from him for xmas, my birthday, no sex, no kissing. He has 2dc (teens), debts, issues with alcohol and anger management problems. Ive stated categorically that i have no feelings for him and I dont want to get back with him. He has been texting, alternating between being funny and being arsey. He says he doesnt understand why I ended it as, it's not as if he's an axe murderer Hmm

Now, he's had counselling and says we must meet to discuss important issues raised during counselling. I fobbed him off with "I'll think about it."
Is this some sort of ploy? Do I go? His family keep ringing saying they're sure we'll get back together. I feel hounded tbh.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 09/02/2014 23:04

ugh

no dont meet him

start to google how to block numbers

stand firm, this will pass xxxx

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 23:04

Grin at AnyFucker Concise and to the point as usual.

I didnt write the list for the counsellir by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandfabulous · 09/02/2014 23:07

fromparis I have blocked him on my iPhone but he has my home number sadly so I'll have to get a new number if he carries on (or get caller display).

OP posts:
LiberalLibertine · 09/02/2014 23:52

I'd be starting to get a bit freaked out as well as pissed off. Don't meet him ffs!

BillyBanter · 10/02/2014 00:12

Send him one message saying something like:

Our relationship is over, and has been since x date. I have nothing to say to you and nothing I want to hear from you. Do not contact me again by any means - directly or indirectly, through flowers or gifts, or through your family or friends. If you do contact me again I will consider it harassment and I will contact the police.

He will almost certainly contact you again in reply to this, to get the final word, if nothing else. If he does you must not reply in any way. (unless he says he's about to kill himself, in which case your only response should be to call 999, not to text back) You might report it to the police straight away. Alternatively you could leave it and see if he contacts you a second time in which case you should definitely report to the police. They will take it seriously and warn him off.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2014 00:20

OK, here's what you need to accept and understand. You owe this knob nothing. You have no legal or moral obligation to spend any time or energy on his problems. You dumped him, quite rightly - and you don't (as far as I can tell from your posts) have either DC with him or linked finance. Therefore he can go fuck himself.
Unfortunately, because of the cultural pressure on women to take care of men emotionally and be nice to them, you might have got the idea that you are being 'selfish' and 'bitchy' by not wanting to hold this man's hand any longer. You're not. He's dumped. If he won't fuck off, inform the police he's harassing you.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 10/02/2014 00:40

Solid That's a thorough assessment of the situation, you're spot on. Interesting comment on cultural expectations of women too.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 10/02/2014 05:19

Agree on the cultural expectations, and would add that he has them, too. I still remember a friend's wanky ex earnestly sending me an email on how I should persuade her he'd changed and so she should take him back, because he was trying to be a better person than the one who'd, erm, cheated on her with someone she knew. His evidence for this? He went running every morning, was eating better, and working far harder. The mesmerising narcissism, and innocent belief that improving his own health/work prospects somehow made him a nobler character, was really rather funny.

And when I read, Now, he's had counselling and says we must meet to discuss important issues raised during counselling. I remembered it. His name doesn't start with a T, does it? Grin

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 10/02/2014 07:52

Perfect wow. That's incredible. The entitlement! No, he's not a 'T' but funnily enough, he has been in touch to say that he's drastically cut down on the drinking and the TV watching and is now working on reducing his smoking! wtf?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 10/02/2014 07:57

i would stop engaging. change home phone or hang up whenever he rings. refuse flower delivery or whatever it is. first tell him that he is harassing you and if he continues you will go to the police. ditto his family.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/02/2014 08:48

Get caller display. Tell him - once - not to contact you again and, if he ignores this, consider reporting him to the police.

Trills · 10/02/2014 09:12

Making him feel better is not your responsibility.

If he feels sad or confused - that's his problem, not yours.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2014 15:55

Yup, you do need to tell him once, in unmistakable terms, to stop contacting you before you can report harassment.
Its probably not a bad idea to do it via text/email rather than verbally, as well, so you have proof of having told him to cease contact.
The police can warn him off; a solicitor's letter can be sent (quite a lot of the time one or the other of these things is enough to make a bellend like this fuck off and find another woman to whine at) but if he persists, he can be arrested and even sent to prison. You have every right to live your life without ever even having to think about him again. He's a failure of a human being.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 10/02/2014 20:02

Right. Ive told him that his problems are not my problems and I wont be meeting him at all, now or in the future. He says he's a broken man and only wants to be loved. To be honest I'd have prefferred it if he'd told me I was a bitch. I just wish he'd stop the 'poor me' act.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2014 20:09

It doesn't matter what he does. He's not your problem. If he phones you again, just hang up on him. Don't feel you have to be polite. It's absolutely fine to ignore a person you don't want to engage with.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/02/2014 20:12

The 'poor me' act works better on you than ranting and cussing, that's why. Not that it's working now, as he's pressed that button one too many times and worn it out. He may get onto the ranting later when the sympathy vote doesn't materialise.

A man who wants to be loved might consider working on behaving in a loveable fashion rather than neglecting a woman until she dumps him and then whining about it. Maybe his counsellor will put him straight on that.

MiniCracker · 10/02/2014 23:13

He wants to be loved. You don't love him. You cannot help him with his terribley sad problem.

perfectstorm · 12/02/2014 00:47

What the poster before said.

And yes, it does seem a type, doesn't it? Spoilt adult children, basically.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 21/02/2014 20:17

Im not sure if anyone is still lurking on this thread but if so, I thought I'd up-date you. I didn't meet him and have refused to engage. He sent me a TEN page letter ... all about him. It'd be very funny if it wasn't so pathetic and narcissistic. It really does sound as if he's channelling a really bad, bargain-bin American novelist, ... 'my demons were watching and waiting for me to get comfortable' ... 'I knew the fairy tail was too good to last and the demons would tear it apart...'

I'm a heartless cow clearly as I feel nothing. Not a thing.

Please tell me I'm not a heartless cow

OP posts:
growingolddicustingly · 21/02/2014 20:40

You are not a heartless cow. ON NO ACCOUNT reply.

arthriticfingers · 21/02/2014 20:43

you are NOT a heartless cow!
in fact:
Well done you!

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing · 21/02/2014 20:49

I'm snarfing at the fairy having a tail. He sounds utterly ridiculous. Onwards and upwards.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 21/02/2014 20:50

Oh dear, that's almost comical. You are doing the right thing OP, he sounds like a right whiny pissflap.

perfectstorm · 21/02/2014 21:05

Bloody hell. You're not a heartless cow; you just have a survival instinct. What a self-obsessed loon he does sound.

Also amused that his fairies have tails! Cloven hooves presumably optional.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2014 21:13

He's giving me the creeps, please be careful.